Is there any clear sign before you even make a film that it's going to turn out bad? I have a theory and a website that seems to corroborate this. Here's the thesis: if you're making a bad, cash-in sequel and you hire Lance Henriksen, your movie will end usually up bad. Case in point: The Mangler 2. If you think that it's merely a fluke, I have another example: Alone in the Dark II. Still think that I'm crazy? Here are some films not necessarily reviewed on this page: The Omen II, Alien Vs Predator, House III: The Horror Show, No Contest II, Piranha II: The Spawning, Hellraiser: Hellworld and Screamers: The Hunting. The prosecution rests, your honor! Why do I mention all of this? Well, Lance Henriksen is in this movie too and it sucks. The bulk of the film is a rip-off of Rear Window and actually attempts to build suspense about what is going on. Gee, this is the THIRD Mimic film, so I'm going to guess that it involves giant bugs. Seriously, why did they do this? All it does it make the film move at a crawl (no pun intended). Still reading after all of that? If so, check out my full review of...
The film begins by setting up the simple premise that it has: a physically-sick man watches his neighbors all of the time due to his inability to go outside. Try to remember this, even when the movie decides to have two scenes where he actually goes outside! Apparently he has some rare disorder related to the infestation of Judas Bugs from the original Mimic. Well, that's still a better pretense for this being a sequel than Mimic 2 getting the fourth-tier character to come back. They are also quick to establish that he has a rather unhealthy obsession with categorizing the pictures of his neighbors. His wall of them actually makes Robin Williams' collection from One Hour Photo look small by comparison. In addition, he has a quirky habit of guessing their names when he doesn't actually know them. For example, he calls the weird man who is always near the trash 'Garbageman' and calls the honor student 'Number One Son.' There's only one 'Number One Son' and he's related to Charlie Chan...dammit! He begins to suspect that things are getting weird as the dad to 'Number One Son' changes his attitude from nice to angry. Hmm...
The first thing that's actually interesting to happen involves the young nurse he's been photographing being brought over by his sister in order for them to hook up. Yes, invite this mysterious woman in to have sex with your gravely-ill, 24-year old brother! The second interesting thing happens when the girl's boyfriend/drug dealer gets killed by a mysterious creature after a drug deal with the 'nice old lady.' Gee, why don't you just tell us that they're bugs. Even if I didn't know that this was Mimic 3, it's based on the short story of the same name! The real reason: they don't want to spend their CG budget just yet, so the bugs are just tall men in all-black. They call in the murder, but fail to take pictures of anything due to their fright. You take pictures of every banal detail of these people's lives, but can't do it when something actually happens?!? A cop comes over and basically ignores their story, although he does find one thing interesting: their mother. Faster than you can say 'this is a dumb sub-plot,' the cop and the mother have hooked up. We are even treated to a scene where he tries to warn the cop about something going on, but this requires him to interrupt some off-screen sex. I'd rather see the bugs, thank you!
After a long freaking wait, the movie finally comes to its sense and has shit happen. The woman and the sister look into 'Garbageman's' apartment, but find nothing. A few scenes show the neighbors being taken out by the bugs, but always when our hero is not looking. He stumbles across a book showing a scientist looking into the Judas Bugs (Lance Henriksen) and learns that he is 'Garbageman.' After the old lady and the cop are killed by the bugs (finally, some CG action!), Lance and his comrades are seen outside making some sort of deal. Fun fact: one of the men is played by the mustachioed Lieutenant from Subspecies II-IV and he's credited as 'Mustache.' Good to see that things are working out, buddy! A bunch of them get killed and Lance gets his hand messed up. This doesn't stop him from wielding a shotgun though, as he locks the wounded sister in the trunk and takes the woman with him to our heroes' apartments. He sets the place up as a trap, but all of this does is get the mother killed by a bug. The things try to break through as the movie blatantly contradicts itself by saying that 'the bugs are evolving.' Um, in the last two films, they took human forms- here they are just bugs. The woman gets wounded and our heroes hides out in the refrigerator, but only after setting up a MacGuyver-style bomb with the oven. The whole place blows up & he's reunited with the woman at a hospital. The End.
Yeah, this is not a good movie either. Considering the stuff that Lance ends up in, this is no surprise. Sorry, Lance- you're a good actor with a shitty agent. This movie is a blatant rip-off of Rear Window and actually has the gall to reference it as well! Seriously, stop pointing out better films for me to watch. In all honesty, this premise has potential and could be used in a lot of interesting ways. Here, however, it is just a pretense to drag out the story, not show you any CG and just generally waste your time. Seriously, we know what the bug monsters look like, so what's the point in trying to build up suspense about them now?!? The only way that this would be clever if it all built up to them being bugs, but revealed them to be something else. Since this movie is not clever, we just get the stupid bugs cutting people up. Wow, that's unique! I will say one thing: Lance is the best thing about this movie, not to discount the supporting role by 'Mustache.' Like a lot of these movies, Lance is only in this movie due to his relative star status and has barely anything to do. If you're going to do this crap, at least put someone like Art LeFleur. After all, this guy is going to star in Dahmer vs. Gacy- he definitely has no better options!
Jesus, how bad does someone have to be to direct a sequel to a Uwe Boll movie?
ReplyDeleteThere are actually TWO sequels to Uwe Boll films not directed by him.
ReplyDelete* Alone in the Dark II
* House of the Dead II
I've actually reviewed both of them as part of Blockbuster Trash. Check 'em out. They're really not any better.