Poor Bastards of Cinema: Alien Outlaw (Part 2)

Another Poor Bastard from Alien Outlaw?  Why not?

In this later bit, two Deputies are investigating the Crime Scene from the Intro kill (about an hour in).  One of them follows some tracks towards the river.

He finds a man (Walter Cronkite?) in a small boat and asks for a ride across it.

The old man is confused by his odd, yet reasonable request.  That or he can't hear him.  Either way- Comedy!

The 'jokes' end when one of the Aliens (There are three, you know) pops out of the water!  It attacks!  Why was it down there?

To complete the Scene, another Alien attacks the Deputy (but not the Sheriff!) on the other side.

So, that's it- they both die.

Would they have killed the old man if not for the Deputy's arrival?  Maybe.  It could be that the Alien was just panning for gold and would have let it slide.  Dunno.

The lesson: if you see a Cop while you're in a boat, keep paddling!  Trust me!

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Alien Outlaw (Part 1)

Given the Film's penchant for killing random people, I can keep this up for awhile!

In Alien Outlaw, we meet a cute young thing in pink.  She's working at this Farm for the Summer.

These two rednecks show up and hit on her.  How can you turn down a guy with a pole?

Well, she does.  The Film kind of jokingly-implies that something dirty would happen to her if she did go with them.  Comedy?

She stays behind as everyone leaves, including the Farmer (to be inside).  Back to work!

...or rather instantly attacked (and killed) by one of the Aliens!

It actually happens so suddenly that you'd think that the guys would see it in their Rear View as they drive away!  They don't, of course.

This poor girl does nothing, except for possibly avoiding date rape.  That means that she must die!

What's the lesson?  Doing your job is more dangerous than ditching it?  Look around for Aliens that you should be able to see coming at you from across an open field?

Just in case- do both.  That or avoid North Carolina's random Alien Outlaws.

'80s Riffed Trash: Alien Outlaw

A Film only worth tackling with some help.  Thankfully, I did this in the right order.  On Rifftrax, they released this as a VOD and it looked funny.  It was.  The Movie sucks, but they made it hilarious to watch.  The former is important because, you know what, I might as well finish off the Directing Career of Phil Smoot now.  So what is Alien Outlaw?  As you probably guessed, the Plot involves an Alien.  Right off the bat, we have issues.  First- there are three Aliens here.  Is only one of them an Outlaw?  Are they from a place called Outlaw?  Are they just a band called Outlaw that happens to be Aliens?  Second- how do we know that they are Outlaws?  This Film has them running around and killing people, but how do I know that other Aliens consider killing us to be bad?  We could just be like those Goldfish you scoop out at a State Fair as far as they are concerned.  Am I overthinking this or did Phil Smoot- who is also the Writer and a Producer- underthink it?  Dunno.  The Film is notable for featuring Lash LeRoux, who was also in Smoot's other Film- The Dark Power.  It also features two of his barely-there buddies in pointless Cameos.  It is also the first AND LAST role of Kari Anderson, who plays the alleged Lead here.  I say 'alleged' since the Film has too many Characters and was Edited by someone with selective ADHD.  It jumps from Scene to Scene all the time, but sometimes lingers WAY too long in them.  How bad is this one?  Well, I watched Smoot's other Film about five years ago and only saw his 2nd through Rifftrax, so you decide.  To find out for yourself, read on...

An alien ship shows up in...North Carolina, but crashes (off-camera).  You get this effect twice, so enjoy it.

This is Jesse Jamison.  She runs an Old West-style Shooting Show...in 1985.  Was that a thing?

The Film's Cast is chock full of Rednecks.  There's not anything inherently wrong with that, but...this is so absurd that I'm not sure if it is supposed to be Parody or not.  I mean...

So anyhow, these are what the Aliens look like.  For the record, this did come out before Predator.  For the record, Alien Humanoids running around was also not invented by Predator, so...you know.

You want something scary?  How about this Scene with Lash in his boxer shorts?!?

Or this amazingly-unfunny fat guy covered in yarn, pots and pans?  Real scary.

The Climax involves Jesse chasing the 3 Aliens through the woods on both horseback and on-foot.  As for Lash, he does nothing of use.  He just keeps reminding her of how many bullets she has left and telling her to aim carefully.

Seriously- he doesn't use a Whip once here!

The Aliens one weakness- their 'Shoot Me Here' Backpacks that explode.  Holy, Legend of Zelda!

The finale is especially goofy as it involves Lash and Jesse constantly-reminding us of how many bullets are left, Lash's useless motivational speeches and Jesse only winning by luck (and faulty science).  The End.

What a ridiculous mess.  The Film tries to be a Comedy.  The Film tries to be Science-Fiction.  The Film tries to be a realistic Action Film.  It pretty much fails at all of them.  It isn't really funny (without Rifftrax).  It is barely Sci-Fi, as we never see the Aliens with advanced weapons or really see the ship well.  As far being realistic, they do track things like bullet count and show reloading.  That doesn't make it really interesting.  It isn't better or worse because of this.  It would be a bad, poorly-shot Scene regardless of if they fired 5 shots or 5,000.  Here's the big question: who is this for?  Is it for Sci-Fi Fans who also love Hee-Haw?  Is it for Dukes of Hazard fans that also love Aliens?  Is it for Gunsmoke fans that also love Hee-Haw AND Aliens?  I honestly couldn't tell you.  I can tell you again that if this sounds ridiculous, Rifftrax is the way to go (as with Dark Power).  Oh and don't feel bad for the Film's 'Star.'  According to IMDB, she works as a Make-Up Artist/Assistant on a range of Films/TV like The Flash, Rapture-palooza and True Justice.  I'll leave you with a spot from the new Rifftrax Intro.  Fun Game- try to guess as many of the people as you can...

Next up, I tackle the long-delayed follow-up to a 70s Cult Classic.  Will the Meta Plot help or hurt this one?  Stay tuned...

'80s Trash: The Dark Power

The 1980s have given a great many horror films, as well as many genre-bending films.  What happens when those two collide in a big, awkward mess?  The answer is simple: The Dark Power.  Horror-comedies work when you find a good mix of laughs and scares, either by presenting silly situations or by parodying the conventions inherent in the genre.  This either works or fails miserably.  Given the kind of films I talk about here, guess which happens here- I dare you!  The film was directed by Phil Smoot, the man responsible for a grand total of two films: this film and Alien Outlaw.  I shouldn't be too harsh on the guy, since he has worked on some big films.  For example, he worked on 1994's The Jungle Book...as a Budget Manager.  He also worked on both Children of the Corn II and Hellraiser III...as a Unit Production Manager.  So yeah, he was kind of a two-hit wonder, but the film does have Lash La Rue- the Master of the Whip!  Sure, his last major work as a lead was in 1971, but it's an accomplishment.  The film is all about the titular power and it being unleashed.  I hope you like waiting an hour for any action, by the way.  Get out your all-powerful eagles for my review of...

The film begins with an old man on his death bed talking about some dark power.  We get some 'Evil Dead' camera work during the credits which leads to...a kid being attacked by wild dogs in the woods.  He does his best 'crumble into a ball' defense, but is, thankfully, saved by an old man with a whip.  They really draw this thing out too, making me wonder just how effective the weapon is.  Anyhow, we learn that this man is the Park Ranger and was a friend of the dead man from the beginning.  He gets interviewed about his friend, the area and some mystical crap by a reporter.  Want to stop your movie dead?  Spend over ten minutes just talking about interesting things in a series of banal settings.  I've watched a documentary on a Font (yes, there is one) that are more interesting than this crap!  We learn that there were some sort of ancient Indians a long time ago that were evil and that they were buried nearby.  Wow, this would have been much more interesting if you could have at least afforded a flashback or something.  Eventually, we get to the point of this whole thing: the reporter sets up some teens to live in the dead man's former house.  Geez, took you long enough!

Warning: what follows are numerous attempts at comedy and social commentary.  A pair of young, white kids move into the place and invite another student: a black girl.  This upsets Princess Clara, I mean, the rich, white girl.  She make a big to-do about this, while I wonder what the hell I'm watching!  To get back at the girls for inviting 'a colored' into the house, she invites her douche-bag of a brother to live with them too.  In a 'wacky' scene, he shows up when the movie's hot girl is walking around in a cut-off shirt and panties.  Okay, so this movie does have some things going for it.  They juxtapose this bit of comedy with...long bits to set up the finale.  I wish that I could say that I care by this point, but I don't.  All you need to know is that someone moved an eagle statue that was set in the ground.  Evidently eagles are a powerful symbol of good or something, so this allows the evil to come free.  We get 'treated' to a long scene of the reporter and a kid from the court reading about the evil that can happen on some sort of anniversary.  This is what we get: people sitting around and reading books about something that might actually be interesting.  Finally, some monsters show up to revive the audience...I mean, me.

While the brother and his friends are drinking and just generally being drunken douche-bags, a quartet of Indian zombies crawl out of the ground.  They kill off most of the annoying people, including a throat-slitting of one idiot and making an arrow kabob out of another.  In a bit of overcompensation, this film kills off 3/4 of its cast!  They mix in some comedy, revolving around the Indians not running into the girls in the house, but it just feels forced.  You just killed four people, so now is the time to laugh?  A pair of them try to escape via a boat, but don't pull the rope in, causing it to be the least dramatic/successful escape ever!  They both die, as does the hot young woman from earlier.  Now you've gone too far, movie!  We're down to just our Final Girl and the black girl, but their fate doesn't look too good!  Thankfully, the old man with his whip is there to scare the monsters.  It seems that his whip is magic...for some reason and he can take them all...he gets knocked down.  The black girl saves the day by virtue of ending up in the closet full of eagle statues.  Wow, that's...lazy.  She kills three of them, but one of them survives to have a face-off with Lash.  This takes about five minutes and mercifully ends with a small fall.  The End.

I wanted to like this movie, but it sucks!  I could get behind a silly '80s film starring a former-Western actor battling monsters.  It sounds like a bit of silly fun...but it is not.  This thing does not know what it wants to be!  It sets up a horror plot and completely ignores it for the majority of the running time.  Imagine if Evil Dead II had them go to the cabin and spent over forty-five minutes doing nothing but comedy.  Would you like that movie?  No.  If you want to make a comedy, make a comedy!  If you want to make a horror film, make a damn horror film!  Furthermore, if you want to spend twenty minutes explaining something evil and showing me nothing, make an audio book!  I really thought that this would be either funny, scary or both.  It was not.  It was boring as hell.  Mind you, the whole thing with Indians in the ending does help a lot...but you have to be patient to get that far.  If you think you're up for it, rent The Dark Power.  Maybe you'll laugh more than I did.  Thankfully, I have this to fall back on...

Up next, I cover a movie whose title speaks for itself.  What should I expect from a film called Blood Gnome?  Stay tuned...