Danny Trejo Week: Furnace

This feels somewhat familiar.  Every twenty years or so, there are some films that are just iconic.  Right or wrong, one of those films is Ringu aka The Ring.  The film inspired many others to a varying degree, be it films like The Grudge and others.  The thing that comes across in films like those is that of the Angry Spirit.  Right away, I have a problem with this story idea, which is one of my key problems with much of J and K-Horror.  Why does a ghost just attack everyone?  If films like The Grudge, it kind of implies that it has, well, a grudge...but it just attacks random people.  What's my point?  This movie is pretty much a spiritual rip-off of those films, just with an all-American cast.  What's the cast?  Michael 'Oda Nobunaga' Pare, Danny Trejo, Tom Sizemore and Danny Trejo.  Well, it is his week.  There's not a lot more to set up here, so let's just skip right into the...

In the Intro, a Guard returns from work and blows off his wife to, well, blow off his head.  Random death or will there be a point to this?

Michael Pare plays the lead Detective investigating the death of the man.  The case leads him, naturally, to the jail where the guy works.  What mystery lies...in the Furnace.

Mysterious and random deaths occur at the Jail.  Is there a rhyme or reason to these murders?  No.  You get prisoners and then a Janitor.

Danny Trejo and Ja Rule are here.  They don't do much, but they do show up for group shots and share about three lines.  More on them later.

The burned-up ghost-thing continues to kill random people.  Next up, the Forensic Pathologist who is examining one of the bodies.  What is your beef with her?

Oh yeah, this bit of the thing on camera never comes up again.  Hello- you caught a ghost on camera!!!

Sizemore is a corrupt Guard.  That's pretty much the beginning, middle and end of his character.  You wanted something more?

This is the same film that has a Country Singer named 'Cowboy' Troy in a role.  What do you expect?

Eventually, we get an info dump to explain everything...kind of.  Basically, the old Warden tried to molest a girl- his niece or something- and seemingly-killed her.  When he went to dump the body, she turned out to be alive and burned to death...while an inmate killed the Warden.  Caught up now?

Trejo and Rule finally become important as they try to escape the Jail during the riot.  Since they have no connection the original murder, they die a violent death.  Couldn't have happened to more random people.

With nothing really resolved, the movie ends.  All is well, I guess, save for that Girl Ghost.  Why so mad, Girl Ghost?  The End.

Seriously, what is the motivation here?  There are many things that can be lost in translation (site plug not intended).  I've been told that vengeful ghost is a part of Asian culture.  Is it related to Shintoism, a belief commonly-found in Japan?  That's for more educated people with PhDs to discuss, quite frankly.  Me- I review shit movies.  This movie is not complete shit, but it leaves a lot to be desired.  The characters are hollow, the pacing is weird and nothing really seems all that interesting.  Sizemore's motivations are vague.  The romance between Pare- it's that Japanese charm!- and the Psychologist at the Jail adds nothing.  Ja Rule and Trejo are just kind of there...well, because.  What was the point of their characters again?  The biggest question, which I've harped on a lot, has been the lack of motivation for the film's monster.  This little girl ghost is just lashing out at everyone in sight.  Why?  Just because the wall blocking off the old Furnace is torn down?  That's...just lazy.  If you like average movies, this certainly is one.  Take us away, character killed off during the Credits...

Next up, a completely-stupid movie that I can't say much good about.  Can Danny and Borat's friend save it? Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Demonic Toys 2

After nearly twenty years, who still wants to play with those things?  Where was the demand for a second Demonic Toys film?  I don't know about you, but I saw the last two crossover films and those were pretty lame.  Let's try to approach it with a fresh outlook though.  This is not a sequel to an average movie, but a brand new film...by Full Moon.  This is probably still not going to be good.  This film takes places X years later and features a rich guy looking for another doll.  Given the series' penchant for introducing new dolls for one film and never bringing them back, I'm sure this doll has a bright future ahead of it!  As I mentioned in a previous review, the film connects to another Full Moon film- Hideous.  Did anyone- other than Carl (ILHM) see this one?  It came out in 1997 and is currently O.O.P. on Netflix.  Was I supposed to track that down before watching this one?  Yeah, I'm not doing that.  To find out how much sillier this can get, read on...

In the movie's opening, a random person puts the toys back together.  Not the Bear, of course, since that thing was cool and too expensive to make again.

This man is apparently the rich guy from Hideous.  He dies in that movie, but screw that noise.  Nice face.

I'm amazed that I missed this shitty green screen shot when I first saw it.  I mean, wow.   Sure brings back memories...

This is Divoletto, an old toy that looks demonic.  The thing looks neat, but doesn't talk and serves to just sort of ape what the baby doll does.  Those whirring noises get old too.

Remember how the original film involved a demon using the toys as part of his plan?  Well, this film kind of does that...but the evil lady also takes over a woman...who the toys then try to kill.  Confused?

Character actor Leslie Jordan is here to act like Truman Capote and get killed.  Bonus points for ripping off the death from Final Destination 3.  Sad.

The movie gets all 'Holy Shit- What the Hell is that?!?' in the end when a Demon crawls out of a well.  This doesn't end with two kids fighting?  Gasp!

Unfortunately, the Toys are killed within seconds during the final fight.  They get their heads put in a box...since you'd want to keep the toys that killed five people.  The End.

Go ahead and close that toy chest.  I wanted to like this movie.  Granted, every other Demonic Toys film I'd seen before was not good.  I should also mention that I watched this one first, since Full Moon is not huge on continuity anyhow.  To further illustrate my indifference to this movie, I watched on the same night as Evil Bong 2: King Bong...and fell asleep after forty-odd minutes.  I finished the movie the next day, but the damage was done.  Here's the problem: the Toys are just out-shined by everything else in the film.  The movie has about six major things going on simultaneously, as opposed to focusing on the battle between the Toys and our heroes.  No, we get sub-plots like Final Guy likes Final Girl, Midget Psychic talks to a spirit and Gold-Digging Wife is having an Affair with a Cowboy.  Yes, a Cowboy.  These Toys are just kind of there, even with Full Moon getting a very-minor celebrity to voice the baby doll (who I refuse to name).  These characters are Supporting Actors in their own film.  The movie is full of silly moments, including a bit where the Demon crawling out of the well makes 'stone blocks' bend by leaning on them.  When a film can't even put their own sub-title on the opening scene, I just have to make this face...

Next up, something completely different.  It's Full Moon's foray into all-ages entertainment...but it's really Doctor Who.  Stay tuned...