Rare Flix: Mil Mascaras vs. The Mummy (aka Mil Mascaras: Resurrection) {2007}

From Mexico with queso!  Today's Film is Mil Mascaras vs. The Mummy aka Mil mascaras: Resurrection, an Action-Horror-Sci-Fi Film from 2007.  Who is Mil Mascaras?  If you don't follow Pro-Wrestling, that's a fair question.  If you follow Pro-Wrestling, but don't know much about Lucha Libre, that's still a pretty fair question.  Mil Mascaras is a Legend in Mexico and a Legendary dick in America.  I can't speak for the incidents personally, but many Wrestlers like Mick Foley, Chris Jericho and others have talked about how he refuses to sell (act hurt) or take moves well.  His response is pretty much 'If you don't do it right, I won't pretend that you did.'  Fair enough...if it didn't happen so often.  Regardless, Mascaras is notable for being a Luchador and a Movie Star in Mexico.  His first Film came out in 1966, while this is the most recent one I can confirm.  This one comes to us from a regular Director of Sequels- Jeff Burr.  His works include Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, Stepfather II, Pumpkinhead II and Puppet Master 4/5.  This is somehow *not* a Sequel, although it is based around the premise that everyone in the World knows Mil Mascaras.  This is some Steven Seagal-type stuff here!  Has he earned it though?  The Plot involves a whole mish-mash of previous Mexican and Luchador Film Tropes making this very much a 'love letter' to those Films.  A Mummy, evil Monks, Luchadors, a Temple and even a Robot show up.  Yes, a Robot!  Does this succeed at making me love these Films or just remind me of how silly they can be?  To find out, read on...

This is Mil Mascaras.  This is Mil Mascaras in a Scene where his Fiancee breaks up with him.

I should note that Mascaras was 65 when this was made and his lady was nowhere near that.

This is the Mummy.  He's evil and bilingual.  He wants to rule the World.

This is Mil's Dad...as shown by a vision in River.  He tells our Hero that he's special and Magic.  Why he's just now figuring this out at 65 is anyone's guess.

We later learn that his mask is magic and has 1,000 forms.  Yes, even his mask-changing has backstory!

Unrelated to the imminent threat of the Mummy, our Hero's Scientist friend has built a robot.

Mil investigates the theft of some blood (after wrestling a Tag Match, of course).  It is all part of the Mummy's plan.

Speaking of said Tag Match, it is being judged by Harley Race and PJ Soles.  So, of course, it ends in a pinfall (not counted by either).

Now fully aware of the threat, Mascaras is greeted by The President of the United States (as played by the late Richard Lynch).

Not only that, but he also briefs the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

While the Mummy builds up his power, he tries out numerous plots to kill Mascaras.  They include poisoning his food, siccing two Vampire Twins on him and replacing his next opponent with a demonic double.

None of this works, of course.

All of this builds up to a battle between the two forces.  Highlights include the Robot appearing (but not fighting the Mummy!), a bunch of Luchadors showing up to fight the Monks and the explosion of an ancient Mayan Temple.

Screw you, Paleontologists!  The End.

Silly fun, at least to a point.  Right off the bat, let me address the obvious- this is a bit of an ego piece.  Everyone loves and trust Mil Mascaras.  Everyone knows that he's the best!  He's the guy who trained The Most Interesting Man in the World!  To be fair, this is played with a little...but not much.  The President goes to him and tells the Joint Chiefs of Staff that 'Everyone here knows Mil Mascaras.'  Really?  On top of that, his Scientist friend (who I'm pretty sure is younger than Mil!) tell him that he's the best person for his Daughter.  I feel like I want to throw up in my mask a little right now.  Putting that said, Mil Mascaras vs. The Mummy is a silly Film with Action, bizarre moments and some cheesy laughs.  It is not meant to be taken seriously.  At its best, it is a series of Scenes that remind people like me of the silly stuff in these Films.  A Robot shows up!  At its worst, the Film is just kind dull, since Mascaras doesn't have much charisma here.  The whole thing is certainly odd and fun at times though...even if they couldn't afford to put a fake plate on this Van for the Film...

Next up, more killer animals- this time from the 80s.  Let's see how scary those Eyes can be.  Stay tuned...

Pappa's Day: Stepfather 2- Make Way For Daddy

Ha ha- I skipped the original!  Seriously though, what was I going to say about the original?  It's famous, people like it and Locke kills people.  Instead, I just jumped right to the only other Stepfather film featuring Terry O'Quinn and...it's pretty much the same.  I could just say 'It's Stepfather, but with Lucas from SeaQuest DSV and the evil lady from They Live' and be done with it.  It's tempting, but no.  Instead, I'll labor on through the highly-unnecessary sequel just for you.  Hell, maybe I'll get to the third film soon...but probably not.  Let's just cut the cake and watch out for...

The film begins with a 1-minute montage explaining the first movie.  On the plus side, it's not over ten minutes like Decadent Evil!  It ends with the stepfather being stabbed and waking up in a hospital.  Yeah, your heart works with a giant hole in the middle of it!  They skip over this film cheat to explain that he's serving time in a mental hospital, as opposed to a jail.  He seems to be making strides in the right direction...until he stabs the Warden with a shiv shaped like a Groom from a wedding cake.  The escape is so easy that the film doesn't show it.  Oh well- time to rehash the first movie...

With relative ease, the evil guy ends up with that evil lady from They Live.  Due to her unnatural red hair, her eyes look super-creepy.  Seriously, stop giving Meg Foster close-ups.  Oh right- the plot.  Blah blah blah, the guy bonds with the guy from SeaQuest DSV and The Neverending Story: Part II blah blah blah they are happy.  The only thing that could break up the happy couple is the arrival of the ex-husband.  After spending five minutes setting up the obvious, the guy gets killed by 'Locke' and his body disposed of.  You know, there are prints everywhere, so you're going to get caught.  Plus, you whistle a lot, which is a major plot point.  No, really.

As the wedding approaches, problems arise.  For one, a woman in the neighborhood gets too close to the truth.  To put a stop to this, our villain chokes her to death, plants her body in a noose and then types up a suicide note.  Seriously, you're leaving fingerprints everywhere!  Unless this movie takes place in the 15th Century, you should have already been caught.  The wedding nearly happens, until Ms. Creepy-Eyes connects the 15 random plot threads and realizes that he's a murderer.  They have a fight, which oddly has lots of shots of the woman being tossed into hard objects.  'Lucas' tries to save the day and ends up stabbing the stepfather.  Oh no- he's dead now.  It's not like the series will just cheat again and have him survive for one more film and then a remake a decade or so later.  The End.

I feel like this movie was already made once.  The plot of this movie is, well, predictable.  The stepfather guy finds a new family and ultimately tries to kill them.  I get that it's the basic premise, but maybe you could mix it up a little.  You could throw in a sub-plot with mobsters or something.  I'm not asking for a lot- just an attempt!  They don't.  We only get a few real kills in the movie, which is apparently because we needed to leave room for scenes of the stepfather giving therapy to some suburban housewives.  Ha- it's funny because...wait, why are these scenes in the movie?  Plus, all the bits of him and the kid getting along are really just pointless, aren't they?  I mean, we know he's a killer, so it's not designed to throw us off guard for later or anything.  On the plus side, it has inappropriate scenes of a woman being beaten up, so it is good for some dark humor.  Ultimately, the film is just pointless, offering nothing new and just treading water.  You're in good company now, alongside films like Damien: The Omen II- hurray!

Next up, Real vs Fake Week begins properly with a much-hyped 'fake documentary horror' film.  Will it be a good film or just insult the memory of Marjoe Gortner?  Stay tuned...

Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master V

We're in the home stretch, people!  After Puppet Master 4 was released, this film was practically in post-production.  With a mere six months between them, these two films feel like one, long story.  Mind you, the run-times for both films are just over an hour, so they basically are one, normal film!  It's kind of like how I mentioned in my review of the Trancers series that all 6 films were equal to the theatrical cuts of LoTR: The Fellowship of the Ring & The Two Towers.  That's not even getting into the Director's Cuts either.  Back to the subject at hand, this film brings back the previous two leads, as well as the puppets.  No new puppets this time, so why bother?  Seriously, every film introduces a new one- save for this one.  That's the inherit problem in filming movies back-to-back like this: they feel the same.  Subspecies II ended abruptly in order to finish the story in Subspecies III, while Trancers IV crapped out an ending...only to ruin it for Trancers V.  Will this film suffer the same fate or will it buck the trend?  Get out your tiny police stations for my review of...

The film begins with about five minutes of recapping the last film.  If you want to make a two-part film, label it as such!  When you just make two films together, you force yourself to do a stupid recap segment for anyone coming on-board for the first time.  Side note: who would go see Puppet Master 5 as their first entry to series exactly?  Anyhow, our hero is being questioned for the murders of the two scientists from the early part of the last film.  See, I told you that it wouldn't matter until now.  Despite him being nowhere near the building, they're convinced that he's guilty.  They try and rationalize it by saying that he must have sent robots out to do the deed.  As a bonus, they have video footage of her attack, yet the demon puppet is just off-frame.  Of course, that works out so well for you!  He has set free temporarily by his new boss, who has plans of his own.  He wants the secret that Toulon hid as well.  Meanwhile, our hero meets up with his girlfriend, who is looking over the psychic lady from the last film.  Apparently, she's in a coma of sorts.  I'm not really sure why, but whatever.  The evil monster from the last film also rears his ugly, puppet head.  He uses his magical powers to channel his spirit through her and into a new doll.  Yes, this movie is built around a single, killer doll.  You guys ever hear of escalation?

Back at the hotel, our hero is not having a good time.  It may have something to do with a secret meeting that his new boss has with...the Bartender from Feast?  Yeah, he's in the movie.  This marks the second, random film that he's shown up in.  You're worse than MadTV's Michael McDonald!  The people send in some flunkies to steal the formula from the hotel.  Gee, you're clearly in this movie just to be killed.  I guess they couldn't just kill Jerk Boyfriend again.  Sure enough, these guys exist to pad out the run-time by wandering around for a bit before being killed by the demon puppet.  The now-heroic dolls face off with the puppet, but find success is not as easy.  Their tiny bullets and blades are no match for it's...CG lightning.  So, you're not only a demonic God from another dimension attacking the real world with a puppet, but now you can shoot lightning?  Alright then.  The puppets retreat to fight another day.  Unfortunately, Toulon didn't stash another puppet in the walls, so back-up is not going to come.  Ruh roh.

As the battle presses on, all hope seems to be lost.  Fortunately, a Deus Ex Machine arrives in the form of Andre Toulon.  Despite him not really presenting much power before- save the 'head appearing on the puppet' trick from the last film- he has it now.  He leads his puppets in spirit for one last attack, where they manage to whittle down the demon doll's body.  He summons a portal to escape to live and fight another die. He's stopped by Toulon, however, who expends his last bit of energy to stop him.  The puppets finish him off and save the day.  I guess the monster is dead or something- it's not really clear.  Toulon does the 'head appearing on the doll' trick one more time to officially christen our hero as the new Puppet Master.  His adventures would continue on for years to come.  No, not really.  This is The Final Chapter, after all.  The End.

This movie...is just kind of 'eh.'  The plot is simple enough: the monster is back for another attempt at victory. It could work...but it just feels like a rehash.  If you want to view this as one story (and thus, one film), the first film is basically the First and middle of the Second Act.  They've turned back the enemy for the time being, but it's not a final victory.  It's only in the remaining half and Third Act that the story is actually resolved.  Do you want to watch a half film?  On top of that, it wasn't exactly a great first half of a film to begin with.  The stop-motion work is good, as usual.  Like in the other film though, it's not all that great.  It doesn't match up to the better moments in the series that we've already seen.  That's what happens when you make 9 films though- some of them just aren't as good.  Honestly, the biggest problem for the movie is this: the lack of merit.  Why does it exist?  It would be one thing if it was billed as Puppet Master 4- Part II.  As a separate film, it has the old villains, the old actors and the old sets.  More importantly, they don't introduce a new puppet.  What's a Puppet Master film without a new doll to shill?  Sorry, but you're the middle child in this movie family.

Next up, we wrap the Puppet Master series with Curse of the Puppet Master.  Naturally, it follows a film subtitled The Final Chapter.  Stay tuned...

Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master IV- The Demon

When is enough 'enough?'  This is clearly not a question asked by the folks over a Full Moon Studios.  After all, they have made 3 Killjoy films, 4 Demonic Toys films (counting the Vs. movies) and 5 Subspecies films (counting Vampire Diaries).  Of course, the big Kahuna is Puppet Master, which has 9 films from Full Moon and a 10th one made by the Sci-Fi Channel's team.  I'm just over half-way through them now, so let's not sit around with our hands in our pockets.  Puppet Master 4 (aka Puppet Master 4: The Demon) was made on a shoe-string budget, which was aided by it being made in conjunction with Puppet Master 5.  Yes, it joins the elite ranks of Trancers IV, Subspecies II and LoTR: The Two Towers.  Note to 'Ringers:' hacks can do Peter Jackson's ideas too (and before him)!  This film ignores the cliffhanger/twist endings of both Puppet Master and Puppet Master 2, as well as merely referencing Part 3 (since that was a prequel).  We get a new lead, but Toulon actor Guy Rolfe manages to show up too.  How does a doubly-dead guy appear?  Well, if you don't know, prepare to laugh your asses off when you find out.  All of the dolls are back and joined by a new one: Decapitron.  Sorry, Full Moon- you won't ever live up to that kick-ass name!  Get out your $1,000,000 Laser Tag gloves for my review of...

The film begins in another dimension where a giant puppet talks to a bunch of guys in skull masks.  Context?  Hello?  Hello?  This is apparently the evil creature that the secret of the puppets came from.  Mind you, it was not made clear in Puppet Master 3 (especially with Toulon's contradictory statement about it's source) and it was not clear until Retro Puppet Master- a movie made about five years after this one.  Anyhow, he's mad at Toulon for stealing it, so he's going to get revenge on...this random guy.  Why him?  Because he's the caretaker for the famous hotel that was the setting for the first two films.  How is that still open?  It was the scene of numerous murders in the first film and was the subject of a government study in the second.  Before I have time to ask more questions, I have to note that the villain's tiny monsters kill a pair of scientists.  This serves no purpose until Puppet Master 5, so let's move on.  Apparently, our hero is assigned to be the hotel's caretaker in the Summer.  The guy is a super-genius who is trying to crack the secret of artificial intelligence and how to put it into robots.  Just so you know who to blame when Skynet takes over the world, it's his fault!  He tests this by playing Laser Tag with his Battle Bot rejects.  Full Moon plots- grounded in reality!  He has some friends over, as well as his girlfriend.  Nice of that abandoned hotel to give him a pointless job and let him invite strangers in too!  The pair are boyfriend and girlfriend, despite having no chemistry.  Oh yeah, the girlfriend is a psychic and senses an omen.  I can too- this movie has nearly an hour left!

Our two macho guys discover a chest in the basement that houses Toulon's dolls.  It sure was nice of the puppets to put themselves back in the chest and lock it from the outside, huh?  The guys break it open against the psychic girl's wishes and find Toulon's passport, but eventually learn that he wasn't really a Nazi.  Nice of you to simultaneously assume that we saw Puppet Master 3 and also spoil the ending in one fell swoop!  When the group splits up, the psychic girl decides to play with a Ouija Board.  Yes, they apparently still made those in 1994.  The evil monster puppet uses this as a gateway to bring his stop-motion creations into our dimension.  Side note: why does the guy have doll henchmen sent to Earth when he has human-size henchmen in the other world?  I'm sure that there is a reason, but do you really think that I want to know it?  The stop-motion killers convince the couple to leave, but the guy gets killed in the car.  Naturally, the girlfriend runs back inside...for safety.  Oh, Jerk Boyfriend- how I'll miss you.  You'll get your moment at the end of the review, so don't worry.  When the monsters go after our heroes, the dolls intercede.  The things already proved that they can play Laser Tag, so they must be great at actual combat.  Side note: Six-Shooter is in this chest, but wasn't in it for Puppet Master or Puppet Master 2.  Huh?  A pair of the dolls take out one of the tiny demons, sending a CG lightning bolt into the other dimension and killing one of the servants.  With a body count of 3, I'm sure terrified.

Despite winning their battles so far, the dolls feel the need to bring out another experimental doll from a different chest.  Of course, Toulon stashed into a hiding place other than the one where he put his original dolls, the Ninja doll from Axis of Evil, Six-Shooter and the one where he apparently stashed Torch.  For a guy who was caught off-guard by the Nazis, he sure did plan ahead!  This doll is Decapitron, whose gimmick is that he has multiple heads.  One of them is plastic and gray, which allows him to be a vessel for Toulon's spirit.  Guy Rolfe starred in Ivanhoe (the movie- not the shitty Showtime show based on it) and he's reduced to being a cameo as a head CG-ed onto a doll!  Seriously, who thought of this?  He explains that the second head is the most powerful, but can only be activated by ripping off moments from James Whale's Frankenstein.  It's basically a TV with small Tesla coils on the side and machine guns on the front- not that he ever seems to use the latter.  With only one villainous doll left- after another was taken out by Blade and Pinhead- the new puppet shoots lighting from it's head and kills it.  The monster is pissed, Rolfe has a second, silly cameo and our hero hints that his battle is just beginning.  Don't worry- it will end abruptly after Puppet Master 5. The End.

This movie...is trying too hard.  The plot is alright, but requires you to accept things that you shouldn't.  The dolls' origin continues to change, now introducing the magical element into the film proper.  How did the dolls get re-locked in their chest?  I should also add that our heroes mention that the lock appears to be 'fifty years old.'  Why reference the third film's plot set-up if you're just going to piss all over the first and second films?  I can only figure that Charles Band has really bad long-term memory.  He only seems to remember the last film in any series and just makes new shit up.  Case in point: the dolls are inject with fluid through their stomachs, as opposed to the pre-set holes in the necks from the last three films!  I know it's a minor point, but these things stand out in a series that pretends to be in order.  I can excuse the Blind Dead quadrilogy for stuff like this, since the films never actually sync up- nor do they pretend to.  This film is all about 'the legacy of Andre Toulon,' but can't get it right!  He's French (with no accent), then he's a brunette with a Hungarian accent, followed by French with a Spanish accent and finally the rich guy from Tales from The Darkside: The Movie.  Before you think that I do nothing but bitch, I can say that the stop-motion looks good here.  Honestly though, it looked better in 2 and 3.  Keep an eye out for where a human hand subs for Pinhead's in a close-up shot too.  If you like the series, you can do worse.  Of course, the mediocrity of 2 and the not-crappy nature' of 3 make them better choices.  This is a cash-in, simple as that.  Take it away, out-of-context shot of the boyfriend (see- I told you so)!

Next up, we get the second part of the story.  I sure hope it's almost exactly the same as what I just watched!  Stay tuned...