Millenial Trash?: It Waits (2005)

Well, It has to Wait before it can Follow, right?  Today's Film is It Waits, a 2005 Horror Film that has nothing to do with It Follows.  I'm just a giant tease- I know.  In any case, this Film is about a Monster in the Woods.  Stop the Presses!  Actually, start them again and then stop them, since most Media is Digital these days and all.  Life is sad.  Where was I?  The mysterious Monster is all about, um, killing you and being a dick about it.  I don't know if it has an actual Gender though, so it may not be appropriate.  Since there's not much to say about that, let me waste time talking about other stuff.  The Film was partly-Produced by the late Stephen J. Cannell.  Between this and Ice Spiders, I'm guessing that the Co-Creator of The Rockford Files and The A-Team just turned into Roger Corman in his later years.  How do you go from 21 Jump Street to It Waits?  He was also a Writer on this Film though, so maybe he cares more than Corman.  The Director here is Steven R. Monroe, no doubt given the part due to his similar name.  Interestingly enough (to me), he Directed Ice Twisters, but not Ice Spiders.  He also Directed Sasquatch Mountain (a Film I covered 4 years ago tomorrow!), making my comparison to Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes all the more appropriate.  Speaking of coincidences, the Director would later go on to make two I Spit on Your Grave Sequels recently, making the fact that this followed a Rape/Revenge Film Review...completely coincidental.  Have I made this long enough yet?  Great!  In that case, read on...

In the Intro. some people checking out a Cave once occupied by Indians release the Monster.  Thanks!

Somewhere else, our Heroine is sad.  Like, really sad.  Like, 'Realizing that you've watched Roller Gator twice and can never get that time back' sad.

When you learn who was originally supposed to play this Role, it gets kind of interesting.

She works as a Park Ranger, but mostly just drinks these days.  She meets with her old boyfriend and they talk about her back-story.  It is...

She went drunk driving and her friend died.  Due to random chance, the blame was placed on the dead girl and not her.

It was better in Flight.

The pair are attacked that night by the creature that apparently just likes to mess with you for a long time before killing you.  Thanks for letting the movie reach Feature-Length, Monster!

It also knows what Satellite Dishes are and how Cars work (at least enough to make them not run).  Come again?

Random people die.

For some reason, THESE people are killed quickly.  Go figure.

Our creature eventually makes a full-on appearance.  It kind of looks like Pumpkinhead.

Okay, it is pretty much just Pumpkinhead.  Oh well- it looks cool!

For the climax, it attacks our heroine more overtly (when it isn't raining) and finally wants to kill her now.  She blows it up, but only after hitting several 'Only in Movies' delays (foot stuck between seats, seatbelt stuck, etc) in a row.

In the aftermath, she confesses to driving the car that night.  Yea...I guess.  The End.

Pretty familiar stuff, but with some slight differences.  Giving us a Female Protagonist is a nice thing to do, but I still have issues.  While she does have a whole Arc and fight for herself, I don't know if the Character is on point.  She's mostly just sad for the first half of the movie- not that she shouldn't be, I suppose.  If they were trying to make her look strong and self-reliant throughout, they failed.  She still comes off as very co-dependent, even if she ultimately saves herself in the end.  Aside from that, the Movie just hits too many all too familiar notes.  They try to stand out by having the Monster taunt its targets, but it really just feels like an attempt to prolong the Film.  Our Heroine only survives this whole time because the Monster keeps not 'pulling the trigger' on the whole killing her thing.  Hurray?  I still have to ask how the creature has an understanding of modern technology and why to target certain things.  It doesn't take out the Satellite Dish, for example, just because it was offended by the shape.  Explain, Movie!  With all of that said, the Creature looks awesome.  It Waits delivers in many ways that you'd hope for, so it is a mixed-bag.  If you get into the Story and can accept it for its faults, the Movie can be a fun time overall.  To follow up on that Teaser from earlier, here is the MAN who was originally supposed to Star in this Film- Dolph Lundgren!

Next up, a step back to the 1990s with some Techno-Horror.  While he survived Judgement Day, can he survive a CD-Based Adventure Game?  Stay tuned...

Millennial Trash: Recon 2023- The Gauda Prime Conspiracy

In Space, nobody can hear me say 'Ugh!'  Today's Film is Recon 2023: The Gauda Prime Conspiracy, a 2009 Sci-Fi Film.  I will forgive you for not being familiar with this one- you have no reason to be.  Basically, I have a connection to this Film that does nothing to make me actually like it.  Back in the day when you could walk into a Hollywood Video or a Blockbuster Video- the halcyon days!-, you'd find this kind of junk all over the place.  In fact, that's where I found the original Film- Recon 2020.  It isn't good, but you can forgive some of it because of the Budget.  Bob saw the 2nd Film- Recon 2022- and didn't have much good to say about it.  I haven't, but...why would I?  Now, after years of lingering in my Netflix Queue like some sort of mole in a spot where you can't quite deal with it, Recon 2023 ended up at my house and got a watch.  I'm less forgiving of it now.  If you haven't watched the previous 2 Films, don't worry.  Continuity is not exactly important when you can barely muster a Story, after all.  Said Story involves some evil Aliens with a dream machine- damn you, white noise!- that is apparently affecting all of humanity.  The plan: find it and disarm it.  You'd think that a Story this simple would be nigh impossible to screw up.  You could make it uninteresting- sure, I'll grant you that- but it would still make sense.  Not so much here, but the reasons are a bit complicate.  To find out why you should be glad you never spent your $1.99 on this, read on...

Back in 2003, some Aliens showed up.

So that crazy Greek from the History Channel was right- he was just off on the timing!

Their goal: destroy us!  They succeed.

The real tragedy: this negates such things as the cure for AIDS in 2004 (Firepower), the end of mankind's technology in 2013 (Escape from L.A.) and the birth of Rutger Hauer-bot in 2016 (Blade Runner).

After that, we see some Space Marines (thanks, Aliens!) crash their ship.  One of them sees something freaky (below), but it was a dream.

This idea is 'so good' that they do it AGAIN and expect you to be surprised.  I'm not.

Further delaying what little Plot this Film has is a 5 minute Parody bit with a P.I. in a Porn Film, complete with Grindhouse effects.  This isn't funny or interesting, so by all means continue!

 They FINALLY get their assignment to go to Gauda Prime, but even this can't be done with a 'joke' as their C.O. has a Hawaiian-themed Office.

Why?  How?  So?!?

Skipping ahead, we see our heroes finally reach Prime and...just kind of wander around.  Action!

Enough of that- here's a Family Guy-style cutaway gag.  No, really.

The joke is that our Lead is an idiot and was given a Doctorate for money.  Ha?

After all of this, there's still like forty-five minutes left!  I lost interest right around the time this happened.  Can you blame me?  The End.

Not the same old crap- just new crap.  The Film is...yeah, it is not good.  The biggest problem to start with: the Tone.  It is a bizarre mix of Comedy and Drama that just doesn't work.  The Actors don't do the Drama very convincingly and they aren't all that funny.  In fact, most of the Characters are assholes.  Don't you just want to relate to and laugh with them?!?  In addition, they way they go about both is all sorts of confusing.  Long, drawn-out Comedy bits right out of the gate- why?  Actual Cutaway Gags in a Film- why?!?  Having a Character killed by a joke one out of nowhere- WHY!?!?  This whole thing is misguided and sad.  It just isn't good.  The actual Plot should be enough for them, but they muddy it all up.  They keep cutting back and forth between Gauda Prime and the Space Station.  It really takes away from what is supposed to be an immersive environment to do so.  The conflict should be a solid one, but even that is hard to follow and/or care about.  Some Aliens are the bad guys, but so is this lady on the Space Station and this burn victim guy.  Why?  There's a whole Sub-Plot about how these Androids are mistreated, but it really goes nowhere.  It is so bad and disappointing that I feel like I have to curse it in Yiddish.  Oy vey!  While it doesn't have a Beholder in it, it does have a giant, angry CG Chicken and that is good enough for me.  Speaking of something thought to be good enough, maybe don't linger on the shot of this fake hand if you can't get the squibs to go off in proper time...

Next up, I knock another Country off of my Horror Film Bucket List.  As a bonus, it is an After Dark Horrorfest Film, so this should be worth exploring.  Stay tuned...

Millennial Trash: Insecticidal

This is the kind of shit I'm used to.  Today's Film is Insecticidal, a 2005 Direct-to-Video Horror Film.  Guess what it is about.  I bet you figured it out.  The Film is about giant(ish) killer insects that attack a bunch of coeds in a Dormitory.  There's not much more to it.  Notable Cast includes a lady who was uncredited in Flight 93 (an A&E Film, not United 93), a lady who Guest-Starred on Blade: The Series, a guy who was a one-time Jobber (guy paid just to lose) on WCW Thunder and a lady who now writes CMT Star Specials.  Hmm...that didn't work.  Let's try someone behind the Camera.  The Writer also wrote Alien Incursion and wrote Additional Dialogue for both Ghost in a Teeny Bikini AND Bikini Girls From The Lost Planet.  He also wrote the 2008 Remake of Attack of the Giant Leeches- yea.  The Director has had a more prolific Career...if you watch the Syfy Channel.  He's Directed such 'Classics' as Haunted High, Goblin (not the Band!) and the recent Film Roboshark.  Considering how silly the Science behind these Insects, the Story in Roboshark seems to make more sense.  Is this terrible or just plain dumb?  To find out, read on...

The Film begins In Media Res, which is the last artistic thing in the Film.

Yes, I have used this joke before.  Why not read all of my Reviews to find out which one it was from?

Our heroine- Cami- is experimenting with Insects to prove that they were once larger in the Age of Dinosaurs.  I can't see this going badly.

One of the other girls in her Dormitory sprays all of her (CG) bugs with pesticide, which causes them to become much larger.  No, really.

With a bunch of people over for a party, the body count begins to rise (slowly).

Not to sound bad, but I'm kind of disappointed that the lady on the left is NOT the one who signed the Waiver to be topless in the Film.  -2 Stars.

One of them is infected by one of the bugs (but not killed) and is now a Host for them.  Why?  How?

To make a long Story (only about 85 minutes) short, the remaining group kills the bugs with electricity...but only after the only Asian Character in the Film does Karate.

As a Teaser, they suggest that Bugs always find a way (thanks, Jurassic Park)...as they walk by what is obviously a bug-human hybrid.  The End?

Yes, The End.

Crap.  Of course, you already knew that.  Is this the good kind or the bad kind?  Well...it is kind of in the middle.  Thankfully, this is NOT played for laughs, since that usually leads to the least funny outcome.  In this case, they play it pretty straight...even if the Plot should lend itself to some sort of humor.  A Giant Praying Mantis doesn't lead to a joke?  Well, I guess it didn't in Dario Argento's Dracula either.  Let's break it down, shall we?  The Writing- not impressive.  The Direction- not notable.  The Special Effects- bad.  You've seen the Screen Caps right?  Seriously, this CG is just plain awful.  The CG in some Big-Budget Films made over 10 years earlier looks better.  As I've said countless times, I don't fault Low-Budget Films for being Low-Budget.  I will, however, fault them for using their low-budget badly.  This is one of those cases.  The Film is so stupid that it is entertaining at times, but not nearly enough.  It is mostly just kind of bad in a way that isn't funny.  Oh well.  One more bit of crappy CG for the road...

Next up, I finally cover the Film that led to that boring Godzilla Film.  With a much, much smaller Budget, will the Director actually deliver?  Stay tuned...

Millennial Trash: Cult (2007)

It still isn't any worse than Scientology.  Today's Film is Cult, a 2007 Horror Film by the man who would later bring us Dragon Wasps.  Good pedigree.  The Film is notable for...pretty much nothing.  I have a silly pretense for picking this one, but I'll get to that later.  One of its Stars- Taryn Manning- is on Orange is the New Black, while another was on Supernatural.  Is that enough for you?  One of the Writers also Wrote Girls Gone Psycho, while another was a Motion Graphics Producer (whatever that is) on Storage Wars.  I'm not really selling this, am I?  The Plot involves a fictitious Cult that dies off, but the Leader returns to try again 20 years later.  Will he succeed and doom mankind?  To find out, read on...

In a true example of lazy Writing, we get a 2-minute long Exposition Dump via a Narrator that sounds like the guy from the 1990s Outer Limits Revival.

The short version: this lady in China died, but now her spirit can bring you power.  Some guys finds her Amulet.

He tries to do a Ceremony where a bunch of Women commit suicide and give him their souls for power...or something.

Among the Women is...Sarah Lieving (Credited here as Sarah Liering for some reason)!

Yeah, she does nothing.  At all.

Moving on, the group all dies, but the Ceremony doesn't work when one Woman kills herself in the wrong way for it to work.

20 years later, the Woman's Daughter- Miner- is in College and studying the Cult for her World Religions Term Paper.  How convenient.

People in her Study Group start to die off, but the early ones are passed off as Suicide.

Yes, people often cut their eyes out and then stab themselves to commit suicide!

The culprit is the guy running the Temple where the killings took place- shocking!  He's possessed by the Spirit of the Leader, which was made possible by the power...for some reason.

The Spirit that they worship tells our heroes how to save the day.  Why she can't do it herself is...um...next caption!

After a confusing finale, they defeat the Leader and destroy the Amulet.  All is saved...until the Narrator says that it is only over for now...or something.  The End.

Eh, it isn't good.  The Film is not completely-terrible, but it suffers from so many little problems.  The Story doesn't flow in a fluid way, for one.  They just dump the Story on you at the beginning, which just feels lazy.  The actual Story is goofy.  On top of that, the Characters are pretty stock and uninteresting.  They tried a little...but not nearly enough.  There are also some dubious CG Effects that aren't really necessary for the Film to work.  When you can't do them right and you don't need them, make the right call!  The whole thing is just so uninspired.  That is really the worst thing- they didn't do anything notable or all that interesting here.  It didn't even let me get much fun out of my continual issues with Sarah Lieving in Films.  Apparently the part she was in was shot later to make the Film more interesting.  It didn't help much.  On the plus side, they give us a few subtle hints as to when it was made...

Next up, I cover the 6th and final Josh Kirby Film.  As an 'Era' ends, will it get better?  Stay tuned...

Heavenly Flix?: Gabriel (2007)

Angels in the Underworld.  Today's Film is Gabriel, a 2007 Action Film that came bundled with Legion and Priest.  Is it remotely as famous as those Films?  Nope.  This is the 'What else do we have?' Film in the bundle.  It is like how I got the Puppet Master Films (minus the last one) bundled with the Killjoy Films.  Why not?  So what is this Film?  Well, it is a bunch of pretentious nonsense to set up some Action Scenes.  Too judgemental?  Alright, alright.  In Purgatory, there is a battle between Angels in human forms and...you can see why I wanted to stick with the first explanation right.  The thing about this is that it feels very reminiscent of another Film: Underworld.  You'll see what I mean as this Review progresses.  This whole thing is...meh, but I will expand upon that.  They might be a bit lazy here, but I won't be.  To find out if this blows like Gabriel's horn or just plain blows, read on...

I won't go into this convoluted back-story too much, so here's the gist...

There are bunch of Angels in Purgatory- which looks post-apocalyptic- fighting for...Earth, maybe?

So our hero is an enigmatic person double-fisting guns and fighting dirty-looking people.  Throw in the blue filter- a common trend, mind you- and this looks like Underworld.

Well, at least there aren't any Vampires in this one...

...oh, never mind.

All kidding aside, Gabriel tracks down a woman and restores her memory.  She is also an Angel stuck here and doesn't exactly want his help (at least when nobody is trying to kill her).

When it is not about people talking quietly about its confusing back-story, the Film loves silly stuff like Bullet Cam.  Is there a point to this?

They also throw in an explosion or two, but that is a given.

After losing many of his friends, Gabriel makes a final stand against the villain: Sammael.

Naturally, it is raining during their final showdown.

It is also perpetual night- since everyone loves to copy Blade Runner.

After killing Sammael, but getting wounded in the process, Gabriel...jumps off of a building.  Um?  Uh.  Okay then.  The End?

This isn't all that terrible, but it does almost nothing to stand out.  Once you get past the bizarre Plot, this is just a mishmash of things that you've seen before.  The Action looks like Underworld and/or The Matrix.  The setting looks like Blade Runner crossed with Gotham City.  The Acting is not that great/impressive either, so there's not much to be interested in.  Nothing terrible here- just nothing really interesting or great.  More forgiving fans of Action might like this better.  More forgiving fans of Stories like this might like it better too.  As for me, it is a middle-of-the-road Film with high hopes, but not much in the way of results.  On the plus side, I know that this guy is wide-awake...

Next up, I'll steal a line from Michael Cole as we switch gears in the most dramatic way possible.  Let's check out a Film about Vacuum Cleaner Rapists.  Stay tuned...