Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Killer Snakes

After referencing it in a recent Review (and updating the Review in case anyone clicks on a link from 2009), I found this Poster.

Time to play with it and make something fun...

Dang!  There's a lot to break down here...

Man scared by snake.  Blood.  Man with candle.  Falling ghost lady?

It's a Film about a guy killing people with snakes- why all the confusing mess?

Here's the original...

I added a little bit of 'texture' and contrast.  You're welcome, 43-year old Film Poster.

WTF China?!?: The Oily Maniac (1976)

An exploitation Film from the 1970s meets a Superhero Film- discuss.  This is The Oily Maniac, a 1976 Film by Shaw Studios, the folks behind 'chop socky' Films.  The Story- a man learns the ability to turn into an oil monster to get revenge on bad people.  This is adapted from a more-commonly-known Malaysian bit of folklore, which they do credit.  It's no 'What are you talking about- The Island is 100% original' situation here.  As tastes changed, so did Shaw- if they wanted to survive, that is.  As such, they started doing more stuff like this.  It's a mix of what they knew- martial arts and drama- and new stuff- exploitation.  There's lots of nudity in this one, as well as violence and a bit of gore.  The latter is pretty tame by today's standards, but the former two are pretty notable.  This barely feels like 'a Shaw Brothers Film,' but it is.  Side-note: Run Run Shaw lived to be 107 (he died in 2014), so do whatever he was doing if you plan on sticking around for a while!  Will this mix of old and new work?  Will it be a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich with hot sauce or anything with Avocado added to it for no good reason?  To find out, read on...

Some criminals are trying to take over a Coconut Oil Plant- aka a Den of Evil according to Bob- and, in the process, one of them is killed.

Without much warning, we suddenly jump ahead to some vague time later and now the Uncle is on Death Row for the killing (which was clearly Manslaughter at best).

On the day of his execution, the man calls in our Hero and explains that he had a magical formula tattooed on his back that will grant the man powers.

This new Revival of Prison Break is weird!!!

When things get worse (the criminals keep busy), he digs a hole in his house and climbs in some oil...

...and becomes Tarman!  Or is he Swamp Thing?  The Toxic Crusader?

Whatever he is, he can morph into a puddle of goo, is nigh invulnerable and can kill some Rapists.

We interrupt the Review to explain how the Film interrupts the narrative for this bit in Court.  It is that jarring.

The point- showing that this Lawyer (below) is kind of evil, but also so are the criminals.

He keeps turning into the Oily Maniac and killing bad guys.  Some of them kill people.  Most of them rape ladies.  This one is a corrupt Surgeon, so bitch gotta die!

I highlighted this shot for the creative censorship used to fit Chinese Cultural Norms and to make you wonder about what was happening in this Room.

 As the bodies pile up and tensions mount, our Hero is finally discovered by his co-worker (after killing their Boss).  He tells her that he needs to kill two last people- the ones who raped his beau and which lead to her suicide.

...so she just immediately betrays him.  Ouch.

He manages to transform and kill the men, but the Police are on his tail.  He transforms one last time, but is eventually killed by being burned up in his oil form.  Justice for all?  The End.

Bad stuff...but kind of in a good way.  The Film is pure exploitation.  It is all about showing breasts, blood and its silly monster.  The Oily Maniac Suit is neat...in theory.  I like that the eyes glow and that it looks like it is made out of thick oil.  The problem- it's a 1970s foam rubber suit and the poor guy can barely move in it.  He tries to flail his arms to do kung-fu, but...not so much.  On the plus side, he can turn into an animated puddle and move way faster!  If you watch this Film, just know that it is 50% people being terrible, 30% exploitation and 20% passable action.  The most variety you get is how the Maniac enters the Scene.  Sometimes he falls from the ceiling and other times he drips his way in through your car window.  If you don't like exploitation, then avoid this one.  If you do, there's plenty to like here.  It's still a Chinese production, so there's the conundrum of how they want to make it about Nudity and Sex, but won't show any of it.  Honestly, if it weren't for the breasts, this could pass for PG-13 in that regard.  The Oily Maniac is a weird mix of what Shaw does right and what they did to stay afloat (also see The Killer Snakes).  One bit of censorship- just for old times' sake...

Next up, a bit of '70s Horror to keep things going.  Throw in some more magic and this should be fun.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Shatter

As a bonus for yesterday's Review, here is another Poor Bastard...

In Shatter, the titular Spy is stuck in Hong Kong after a bad mission and laying low.  He's staying in a Hotel that is slightly more than just a Hotel.  Wink wink.

It seems that Shatter wasn't laying low enough...

Boom goes the dynamite- or in this case an RPG.

Naturally, they don't get Shatter, but they do get someone else...

So yeah him and the lady inside are killed.  Shatter lives just fine.

The lesson: apparently avoid proximity to Main Characters at all costs.  Guns don't kill people- Main Characters being near others kill people!

Asian Week: Black Magic 2

Who wants breast milk?  The people over at Shaw Brothers Studios weren't content to just make one film about black magic, so they made a second one.  Naturally, they called it Black Magic 2!  Do they up the ante or let us down?  Is it Gremlins 2 or Puppet Master 2?  The film involves a different black magician, but a hero that looks just like the guy from Part 1.  Is he the same character?  No.  Is it the same actor?  Yes.  That's not confusing at all- thanks!  In this film, evil is afoot as a black magician for hire wreaks havoc on a group of people's lives.  Sounds similar to Black Magic, right?  Well, it is.  The difference- this film tosses in tons of gore, freaky effects and zombies.  As a bonus, it has monsters dressed like Druids, a feat also accomplished in Blacula.  You're in good company, movie.  Will this be the movie that the original should have been?  Get out your glowing powder for a bit of...

The movie begins with some buxom young women taking off their tops and going swimming.  Well, we're off to a good start.  Unfortunately, a prop crocodile attacks one of them, causing the others to flee.  The village calls in an Einstein-looking magician to kill the beast and he does so, cutting it open to prove that it killed the woman.  He proceeds to disappear for the next forty-five minutes or so.  That's super.  The real story is that our two heroes arrive in a city to meet an old friend and his wife.  All four of them are doctors and the visitors are going to help him decipher the cause of some mysterious ailments.  After showing the duo some gross-out effects, the guy explains that he believes that black magic is to blame.  That may have something to do with the weird guy bringing a woman home and pulling a nail out of her skull, huh?  Our heroes don't believe in magic, but they'll learn soon enough.  The wife of the local doctor is put under a spell by the magician and led to his lair.  What does he want?  Breast milk.  Why?  It is the secret to his immortality, of course! 

In a random sub-plot, a 'player' pays for a spell to be put on a dancer, but she turns out to be a reanimated zombie in the possession of the magician.  When the man gets a 'rude awakening' via the woman turning old again during a make-out session, he threatens the magician with calling the cops.  How does...why would...you can't...aw, screw it!  Naturally, the magician just causes him to die and melt in public, since he's all about the subtlety.  That's about as subtle as impregnating the doctor's wife overnight- which he also does!  In a freaky bit, the doctors bemoan the fact that the dead guy's family buried him, so they immediately decide to dig him up!  Dude, at least pretend like it's a tough decision to make!!!  Still not convinced, our heroes come up with a simple plan- hire the magician to put a spell on the visiting doctor's wife.  No, really.  Shockingly, this works and our hero is shocked to see his friend (who did the hiring) and his wife making out.  But you...why would...aw, screw it...again.  The magician shows up again, but gets killed quickly.  Weird.

The whole point of the good magician is for him to die and pass his eyes on to our hero.  He eats the things- seriously!- and gains the ability to see through the evil magician's illusions.  The guy takes a bunch of tricks from a book on black magic and plans to get back his wife.  By the way, his two friends try to run away from the magician, but get melted.  Don't worry- they get better...sort of.  Out hero actually calls the cops on the magician- you can do that?- but they find nothing.  He chases the guy down- since he didn't have a spell ready, I guess- and they fight on a Sky Tram in one of the worst Rear Projection effects ever.  So sad.  The big showdown occurs as our hero puts on his best break-in clothes and sets the man's house on fire.  He battles the weird zombie things, who also happen to have his lady.  He lights the wax figures that represent them on fire & they proceed to spin around yelling.  Eventually, the magician gets the magical 'deus ex machina' necklace off of our hero and slowly kills him in front of the second-worst Rear Projection effect.  The wife takes the magician out, however, immediately making things right.  The End.

Double the toil and trouble here!  The plot is good, even if it has a few distractions.  The magician is a good character, although he seems content to be very obvious in his actions!  Incidentally, you run into 'The A-Team Problem' here.  If everyone knows who he is, where he is and what he does, why does nobody get him arrested?  Apparently that's an actual course of action you can take, so why not?  Aside from that, the movie delivers on the potential that the other film promised.  The movie is chock full of gross-out effects, trippy visuals and some serious horror.  Finally- you did it!  Thank you, sequel-itis.  Of course, the acting and writing are not quite as good here, so it's a trade-off.  The characters are pretty one-note and add very little.  The other ones had a little bit of depth, even if they didn't always follow logic.  So that's the choice you have: solid characters, but little horror or lots of horror and generic writing.  If only there was a film that somehow met in the middle.  Until that day, you have a choice to make.

Next up, I finally cover the long-awaited prequel to the Raped by An Angel series.  Now with less rape and more lady assassins.  Stay tuned...

Asian Week: Black Magic

Shaw Brothers and horror are a match made in Hell.  The company is most famous for its violent, Wushu films, but they made a lot of these too.  Movies like Boxer's Omen and others have gone fairly-unknown in America, but should they?  Can the people behind 80 versions of 'evil kung-fu master kills a rival kung-fu master' films be remembered for their horror contributions?  Let's decide that with a look at their most famous horror film- Black Magic.  Well, first off, they get points for a real lack of subtlety!  The film involves a whole lot of twists, turns and, well, black magic.  It's an interesting story, to say the least.  How does it stack up to other horror films though?  Throw them bones as we cast some...

The film begins with a whole slew of freaky magic effects.  It's hard to explain what is going on, but it involves parchment, a woman and lots of smoke.  The whole point of this is to establish our villain as a black magic user and a rival magician who uses the good stuff.  Of course, the latter is not in a hurry to actually do anything productive here, so don't get used to him.  A snooty, rich woman has the hots for a young Bruceploitation actor, but he is engaged.  Meanwhile, another guy is interested in her, but he'll have none of it.  His friend tells him about a black magic practitioner in the woods...outside Hong Kong and he seeks him out.  What ever happened to Yellow Pages?  He runs across a freaky woman and shows up just in time to see the magician making a potion.  This involves the woman taking her clothes off for him, although I doubt it's really a requirement.  Wink, wink, know what I mean?  Anyhow, the guy makes a potion for the scoundrel, which manages to net him a date and some off-screen nookie with the woman.  In the morning, it wears off and it makes for an awkward morning.  When he spills the beans about the spell, she gets an idea...

Thankfully, the magician has no qualms about making a potion for her.  She slips the potion into our hero at his wedding, causing him to see his new wife as hideous and the woman as hot.  By the way, thanks for waiting until minutes after the vows to do this, bitch!  The woman is understandably confused and hurt by the 'betrayal' of her husband, but gets no answers.  Unfortunately for the scheming woman, the black magic user who made a potion to get her raped can't be trusted.  I know- I'm shocked too!  He puts a spell on her too, causing her to cheat on the man she's cheating with.  This is Much Ado About Black Magic!  On the good side, the man stumbles across the good magician from earlier, since he finally decided to show up.  You're right on time!  As an extra screw you, the evil woman puts a death curse on the woman she betrayed.  The good magician helps her out, however, and manages to cure the hero as well.  As for the scheming guy from before, he gets a death curse put on him too and he runs off to die.  No, really.  Oh well, there's no way that this can turn bad in the Third Act...

The sneaky magician manages to slip another potion into our hero and puts under his spell again.  At this point, you're just being a prick.  All of this leads to a big showdown between the good magician and the evil one, with the control of our poor hero on the line.  While most of the film has been fairly-subdued, this fight is ridiculous!  They summon rear projection effects and drawn-on lightning to fight!  The fact that they do it at a construction site is just a bonus.  Ultimately, the good magician summons a cartoon-style cone of magic to protect him and he takes out the evil guy.  All is right with the world.  Well, except for the bad magician (who got burned up) and the evil woman (who get super-aged to death).  The End.

Hocus pocus!  The plot of this movie is interesting, to say the least!  It's practically a heist film, only with black magic.  The object of the heist- other people's love.  There are obviously a few holes here, as you have to wonder why anyone trusts the bad guy.  Hell, the evil lady had a spell put on her and then used him to put two different spells on people.  So, naturally, she falls for an obvious trap and gets controlled as well.  You fool!  The acting in this movie is good, although it does feel a bit 'staged' at times.  On the plus side, the producers of the DVD got a really good transfer together, so I can't complain.  Hell, the movie looks cleaner than newer films with lazy transfers like Pinnochio's Revenge.  I will say that there's not quite enough 'horror' on display here.  It's much more of a thriller than anything else.  Don't worry, they address this for the sequel...

Next up, the sequel I just talked about.  It has zombies, magic spells and a guy drinking breast milk.  Stay tuned...

Rip-Off Theater: The Killer Snakes

Who does not love killer animals? They are just like people, only with less morals and qualms about pooping where we sleep. One of the most famous films of that type in the 1970s was Willard, a film that has yet to appear on Region 1 DVD. This movie did really well, even inspiring a sequel called Ben, which is most famous for its theme song. You know, that song by Michael Jackson that is about a boy and his rat. It won a Golden Globe and was even nominated for an Oscar. I mention all those accolades to build you up improperly for the level of today's film. It is a Shaw Brothers film that was made under their Horror label. It really wants to be Willard, but will it succeed? Find out in my review of...

You know how Willard is the tale of a man who finds solace in animals in order to escape life's hardships. This is that same tale, only amped up by a thousand degrees. The man gets a barely-paying job as a delivery boy, but gets beaten up during an early assignment. The thugs- a bunch of random guys and a couple of prostitutes- break the dishes and steal his money. Naturally, his boss fires him for having the dishes broken. Fortunately, he has a lovely little shack to spend his time in and a lady pal to talk to. Of course, she has a dead-end job working in the fish market, a lovely place when Jackie Chan is not starting exhibition fights there. Obtuse reference! She is interrupted at work with news of her father's imminent demise. She arrives in time to hear his last words. This is immediately followed by the land lady telling her that she has to pay his rent for the month. That's cold, bitch!

The movie only gets more down-beat from here. The man gets teased with sex, only to be humiliated and beaten up...again. You would think that their fists would be sore by now! To pay off her dead father's debts, the man's lady becomes a prostitute. How does that work out for her, you ask? Badly, I answer. Things look up for our hero has he discovers the work done by the people next door. They capture cobras, cut out their gall bladders and leave them to die. Did I mention that this movie is very pessimistic towards humans yet? If not, it is and I just did. Our hero befriends and heals one snake, learning that he can think like them in the process. How? Who the hell cares, you picky movie goer?!? These guys are worse than the jerks from Evilspeak and they sacrificed a puppy to Satan because they were drunk! When threatened by the men again, our hero's new friends come to his aid, by way of silly effects. Just picture if the Shaw-Scope was a little wider and you could see the snakes being tossed at the actors. These snakes flop around more than Chinese vampires. Even more obtuse reference!

The 'Willard-ness' gets even more apparent as the revenge comes a-calling. His springing snakes take out a couple men, but the revenge on the one prostitute is more personal. Showing that shibari is popular in China, he ties the lady up whilst she is naked and tortures her with snakes. The climax- an ironic choice of words- involves one of the snakes crawling inside of her and...biting her, I guess. I just hope that is what happens. It only escalates further when his girlfriend's pimp causes her to O.D. Time to get some mega-super-revenge! Call in the snake circle! This scene runs for several minutes and has some strange, strange moments. Much like the hero in Scarface, the guy refuses to go down. The high-point of this is the bit where he chops up snakes as they 'leap' at him. The man goes down eventually, but things turn sour. The police get too close, so our 'hero' decides to ditch them in a burning building. When they survive, they are a bit soured on him and kill the guy. Nearly everyone is dead and maimed- hurray! The End.

This movie is not for the weak of heart or stomach. The movie is full of snakes biting people and being chopped up. The 'no animals were harmed in the making of this film' message is very conspicuous in its absence. Much like Evilspeak, the movie is very imbalanced in its dark to light tone. You get tired of seeing the poor guy get tortured and just want the movie to end. When the revenge finally comes, it ends up being worse than anything that was ever done to our hero. So, the lesson is 'don't get revenge because you will just die from snake bites?' Okay, thanks. I won't do that now, movie. Can I go home now? Thanks.

Just to keep your guys on your toes, here is a film that rips off X-Men and Nightwatch in one fell swoop. You're welcome. Stay tuned...