Vampire Racing: The Bleeding (2009)

Are we making way for a new horror film star?  Does the name Michael Matthias ring a bell to you?  No?  Well, he's the Producer/Star of today's film- The Bleeding.  Wow, that is generic as all hell!  This film was meant to be Matthias' big break, but history says that this probably will not be the case.  This film has a 2009 date attached to it, but was only released on DVD about two months ago.  What is the film about?  Well, vampires.  It's pretty by-the-book, but it tries to use a lot of stunt-casting to make you think that it's more than that.  I won't get into the exact details until further down, just so you'll be encouraged to read further.  Since this is a 'new' film (as much as Case 39 was last year, anyways), I'll make this relatively SPOILER-free.  Get out a tourniquet as we attempt to stop...

* Matthias is a man who seeks revenge on the vampire that killed his family (in flashback).  Armand Assante shows up for one scene to tell him to, well, go get revenge on the vampire that killed his family.  Pointless cameo- check.

* He meets up with DMX, whom he saves from some vampires, and then proceeds to get the history of vampires.  By the way, who's idea was it to have DMX do your exposition?  I can barely understand him!

* The information leads him to a priest played by Michael Madsen.  Get it- it's funny because he's a priest who's lazy, drinks and smokes!  You guys just put a costume on Madsen and filmed in his daily routine, didn't you?

* Big shock- the vampires throw a rave to kill lots of people.  Did I mention that this film is original?

* Kat Von D is here to play a vampire.  She's pretty much here for her looks and, I guess, the street cred she gives the film.  Her role is, of course, entirely pointless.

* Vinnie Jones aka The Juggernaut, Bitch plays the lead vampire.  There's also a twist involving his identity that I won't spoil.  Just a hint: it's really, freaking stupid!

* The day is saved- but at what cost?  I mean, we wrecked two nice cars for this.  The End.

I think I've seen this movie before.  The plot of the film is pretty basic, but it's not bad.  I would have liked to see the actual attack occur as the 'shock opening' and then show him in the hospital.  Instead, they show him near the climax of the film, going all the way back to when he is in the hospital, leave and then he has a dream/flashback to show the attack.  I get the whole In Media Res thing, especially when your opening is drawn out by Matthias' dull narration.  That said, it also kills the drama of 80% of the film, as I know that you won't die before the truck scene.  As I side-note, I also have to comment on some sloppy editing in that scene.  Matthias is firing two sub-machine guns in the wide shot, he suddenly has a shotgun in the close-up shot and then back to the sub-machine guns for the wide shot.  Can you not tell the difference between the two very different-looking weapons?!?  The key problem is that the film offers very little that's new.  The vampire rules are different here- big shock- but that only adds a little the plot, doing nothing to change the obvious course of events.  Throw in a bunch of tiny roles for minor stars, a supporting heroine who does nothing and a lead that just doesn't really sell you & you get a decent, but uninspiring action film.  It's honestly worth a look, since you might be more forgiving than me.  I'll leave you with one of the film's many, silly title cards...

Next up, July 4th is ushered in with style.  By that, I mean with a slasher film starring Ronald Reagan.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Carnivorous

Something could be said for the idea of getting a celebrity on board a project in order to get it done.  Mind you- the first thing that comes to my mind is Sheitan, a crappy French horror film that only got green-lighting due to Vincent Cassel signing on board.  I'm sure that there are others, but they don't prove as applicable to today's film.  This little 'gem' is a low-budget horror film that rips off a bad horror film while trying to be a generic one.  How often do you see someone aim that low?  The big star that this movie is built around: rapper DMX.  That's right, the star of Cradle 2 The Grave and Never Die Alone is in this thing.  Mind you, he is not the star of this movie, no matter how the DVD credits want to trick you.  The producers want you to know just how involved Mr. DMX was involved, going as far as to give him both top-billing and above-the-title billing!  Who gets that in movies these days on the actual movie, not just the poster?  Before I begin, I should also address the title situation.  The one I used in my schedule is an alternate title which I chose to use because it just sounded better.  Now, on with my review of...

The film begins in the past with a young man in an abusive household.  His mother is pushed around by his drunk dad (possibly stepfather) and he merely listens.  A lady friend visits his window and he convinces her to join him on a little trip.  He goes down the road to his neighbor's house and breaks into his voodoo toolkit.  What?  You don't have one of those?  He steals a pen with a snake head on it and gets back in the house.  After his dad yells some more, he makes a drawing of a snake eating the guy, which causes something unseen to kill him.  We also see a young kid who should probably abandon all hope, as he will grow up to be DMX.  I'd quite while you're ahead!  We jump ahead to the present and find the man grown up into a paunchy, 40 year old man who is married to a relatively-cute woman.  They live a peaceful life on their own farm, which is the recipe for horrific tragedy in movies like this.  The movie constantly and intermittently pulls away from this idyllic scene to introduce us to our main characters- three idiots and one normal person.  A new guy enters the scene, a former nerd who is...a grown-up nerd.  I feel your pain, buddy!  For some vague reason, he is invited on a getaway with the group, despite going away for college.  Vacation- sign me up!

You can see the problems early on as the movie's editor is just trying to piss you off.  He spends about two minutes with the nice people and just jumps to the drunken idiots without warning.  Was this edited on a dare?  Our stories finally link up as the jerks take the two decent characters out on the road in a giant pick-up truck.  We get an oddly-long sequence of the trip, including a bit where the two idiotic guys scope out the slutty girl, while the good characters are in the back.  The movie also runs some strange scenes where the characters don't talk.  Um, action?  All of this leads up to the wife discovering the snake pen while digging up dirt to plant some flowers.  Afterward, she goes to check the mail while wearing her headphones the whole time.  You can see where this is going, can't you?  While checking out the blonde's ass-crack, our idiotic driver runs over the woman and kills her!  In the ensuing rage and grief, the man discovers the pen and makes an oddly-detailed drawing of a snake eating the truck and its passengers.  Oh my God, he made the cover to Snakes on a Train!  Meanwhile, our heroes figure none of this out and go to the cabin.  Guess what the two horny idiots are going to do.

The movie gets pretty conventional from this point on, for the most part.  The lead idiot- the boyfriend of our heroine- goes out by himself and gets killed by the monster, although we still see nothing.  The part of the drawing showing the guy turns red, which prompts our reluctant killer to finally figure it out.  He does his best to destroy the drawing, but it is somehow impervious to damage- even from a knife!  The horny couple re-enact Paris Hilton's pre-death scene from House of Wax, but the mood is ruined by a giant snake tail through her boyfriend's stomach.  By the way, it has a razor-sharp tail.  A bit away, DMX figures that the snake is back and calls in a favor.  A couple scenes later, a friend shows up...with a rocker launcher!  Who is your friend, Sledge Hammer?!?  Our heroes figure out that something is up and hide in the truck, but can't drive away since the keys are with the dead guy.  The younger brother shows up, having hidden in the truck apparently.  The good guys drive to safety, but run into the guy who made the drawing.  They eventually make peace- not before a bloody nose- and try to stop the beast.  They meet up with DMX, who tells that it is pointless.  Minutes later, he shows up with a bazooka to help out.  Huh?  Anyhow, the artist is decapitated, but the snake meets its end when the rapper blows its' head up with a rocket.  The End.

This movie was bad.  In case you did not figure it out, this movie is a rip-off of Pumpkinhead 2.  Why would you possibly rip-off a movie whose star power consists of Andrew Robinson (the villain from Dirty Harry and Trancers 3) and Roger Clinton (Bill's brother)?!?  They try to disguise this with the snake element, but we can all see through this, can't we?  The acting is terrible, the effects are minimal (it shows up only in the last twenty minutes) and the plot is ludicrous.  The movie tries to throw some morality into it, but this just feels odd.  The guy whose wife is killed by terrible people is killed by the monster he unleashed- how should I feel?  He tries to undo his actions, but many people might argue that he shouldn't!  It's not like they had no way to avoid the situation or anything!  You know what- a plot this dumb is not worth stepping into a moral quagmire.  It sucks- move on.

Up next, a rare film comes to you courtesy of Amazon.  All I can tell you is that it involves lots of fire and a star of a recent Rob Zombie film.  Stay tuned...