Less is Mora: Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills

This is...just wow.  I mean, wow.  Today's film is Pterodactyl Woman From Beveryly Hills, a 1997 Film by Philippe Mora.  Remember him?  He has many weird, weird films.  He is the man who brought us Howling II (featuring Reb Brown and Sybil Danning's boobs), Howling III (featuring Were-Tasmanian Tigers), Communion (featuring Christopher Walken and anal-probing) and, most silly, Snide & Prejudice.  Remember that one?  That is the film in which a bunch of people- including Jeffrey Combs, Richard Moll and Angus MacFadyen- all share delusions that they are Nazis in WWII, so their 'Therapist' has them act out Hitler's rise to power and fall from grace.  Seriously- that's a movie!  This is the kind of person we're dealing with.  So what's this film about?  A Paleontologist offends an Indian, so he turns his wife into a Pterodactyl.  Don't you hate unoriginal plots?  In all seriousness, this starts out weird and only gets weirder.  Throw in silly effects, a Zappa and Meta jokes about said effects & you've got a giant bowl of crazy gumbo.  To see just how random and strange this gets, read on...

The film IMMEDIATELY begins with Stock Footage.  Despite the DVD being a Troma release, they resist the urge to just say that this takes place in Tromaville.  Thank God!

So yeah, this is footage I saw in Planet of the Dinosaurs.  Joy.

In the Present (of 1997), two Paleontologists run afoul of an Indian (who calls himself Salvador Dali, since...funny?).  He tells them that they're assholes and he curses them.

Well, actually, he curses one guy and curses the other's guy's wife.  He doesn't even know her, but whatever.

Sure enough, the lady goes throw some changes in Beverly Hills.  She's a super-sized version of the WASP cliche driven to the max.  Beverly D'Angelo is really infectious here, even when she is only allowed to just make silly noises and wave her arms.

In a cheap and silly effect, she is just now a full Pterodactyl and gets inexplicably-chased by a Stealth Bomber, which just happens to be flying around Beverly Hills.  Why?  How?

It doesn't matter, as this just sets up a Government Agent (Stephen McHattie) going after her.  She's never in full-form again.

Here's something odd: Aron Eisenberg plays the teenage-son of D'Angelo and the Husband.  The problem: the Actor is 28 years old, only appearing young and being short due to a medical issue.

Oh and I just keep running into the guy.  He was in House III, Amityville IV and Puppet Master III.  I don't even know you, so stop showing up in sequels!

Here's another quirk: Barry Humphries shows up in this film, making it his second Philippe Mora film (after Howling III) that I'm aware of.  He adds NOTHING to this film, so thanks for that.

The Husband takes the transformations very well and actually engages in some pseudo-inter-species whoopie.  To horribly paraphrase the Queen: I am not aroused.

They dump a ton of crazy exposition and sub-plots on you.  Here's a quick summary:
* A manipulative 'friend' turns out to be working for the Government.
* The Neighbors want the Dinosaur lady out.
* D'Angelo gets pregnant with a Dinosaur Egg.
* McHattie schemes to get the baby.
* The family goes to the Desert, leading to the return of Stock Footage.

After a lot of Stock Footage (which they Lamp Shade by saying it's a land of Bad Effects and Stock Footage) and a silly speech, the whole problem is resolved.  Your wife still gave birth to an Egg, but whatever.

Oh wait, the real ending is that it might have all been a dream.  Oh...okay.  The End.

I am really confused by this whole thing.  Seriously, I've watched some crazy shit.  I've seen a man time-travel to meet Mary Shelly and Dr. Frankenstein.  I've seen people interact with a ghost in an animatronic doll.  Hell, I've seen Surf Nazis Must Die!  Having said all that, the film is random, silly and has humor broader than the Atlantic Ocean!  There are sometimes jokes, sometimes sight gags and occasionally clever bits.  When all of that fails, they just have people run around and make noises.  Beverly D'Angelo is a Co-Producer on this film, so it makes her tendency to just act silly all the more strange.  The film's other Co-Producer/Star (Brion James) is usually like this, so I'm not surprised.  Usually in films where Actors are only performers, they tend to get thrown into roles like this.  The Director says 'jump' and they ask 'In what silly way?'  As a Co-Producer, it's certainly curious.  I don't fault her for having fun- I just find it odd.  Speaking of odd, everything else.  James plays 3 Roles (sort of) and just acts silly.  Philippe Mora himself even plays a part.  Was your Budget that low or did you just get bored working behind-the-scenes (a la Eric Bischoff in 1996)?  Regardless, this is a tricky recommendation.  If you like purely-silly Comedy and have an open mind, check this out.  I can't guarantee that you'll like it (I'm still not quite sure how I feel ATM), but you are the audience.  As for everyone else, well, you were never going to watch Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills.  Isn't that right, Philippe Mora?

Up next, another Phantom of the Opera film, albeit with a weird twist.  Every Netflix review is 1 Star, so it should be a classic!  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: House III- The Horror Show

Oh, the Horror!  After a couple of years away, I finally watched the third film in the House series.  Why so long?  No reason, really.  I added House III to my Instant Queue a long time ago...but just never watched it. All of a sudden, a bunch of my film options were about to expire, including this one.  I said 'Well, I've got two days to watch this crap.  Which is the most important?"  I chose this one- as opposed to Panga or Terrorvision-, so let's see how good my judgement call is?  House III is not actually House III- it's just The Horror Show.  However, the film was marketed overseas as such and the next *actual* sequel was forced to be called House IV.  So while it may not be House III, the next film is still House IV.  If this one doesn't count, is House III in the same boat as Leonard: Parts 1-5?  What is the film about?  Well, a guy is terrorized in his House- hence the title- by the ghost of a killer that he caught and get sent to 'the chair.'  No, this isn't Shocker.  Both films were released in the same year and both did not exactly set the world on fire financially.  However, this film *technically* had a Sequel, allowing it to best its rival.  I can't tell you which is better until I actually see Shocker- which should happen soon enough.  Until then, let's see if this Lance Henriksen 'sequel' to a film he wasn't in is better than The Mangler 2, Mimic III or Damien: The Omen II.  We're setting the bar nice and low here, so let's see if he can limbo under it...

As the film opens with fake home movies of Lance and company, we see the first warning sign: this writing credit...

I soldiered on anyhow and we see a man named Max Jenke (pronounced like the singular form of that Scooby-Doo catchphrase) has killed a bunch of people.  Thanks to some confusing transitions and use of dreams, we're not sure what is happening.  This is especially true...

...when the man appears in bed dressed as Lance's wife.  Ew.

As it turns out, *most* of what Lance dreamed was true.  The man is sent to 'the chair,' but doesn't go down his easy.  Seriously, this dude defies all of the laws of nature here...but he's only just gotten started.

Thanks to, um, being evil or something, his spirit leaves his dead body and begins to make our hero think he's crazy.  Cue a whole slew of Freddy Kreuger-style actions like this weird sight gag below.

Just to note: Shocker is the one made by Wes Craven.  This film is just ripping him off...while he may or may not be ripping them off.  Confused?

The Police think that the daughter's boyfriend was killed by Lance since his body was found in the basement.

I should also mention that the guy is tricked and killed just like in Amityville 1992, which would come later.  I mention that since the son was in Amityville 4...in the same year as this film.  Weird.

After a lot of weird visuals and fake-outs, he attacks the family directly...with illusions.  I get that you like making crazy visuals, but some real things happening would be nice.

On the plus side, this guy's head blows up.  That's one thing off of the check list.

In The End, the villain is beaten when his spirit is zapped with electricity...in a dream world and his real body is shot to death.  I guess a man's corpse suddenly re-appearing clears you...although he is dead again.

The film ends with the missing cat being found and this freeze frame.  We aren't really going to have TWO Aron Eisenberg films about ghosts in houses end with the 'evil cat' bit are we?  Really?!?

For a Horror Show, I wasn't that bothered.  The film is kind of a mixed bag, to be honest.  What makes it interesting is often what causes the problems with it too.  The crazy visuals and tricks are interesting.  You see stuff like that guy's head explode, a decapitated head cry out and a serial killer's face on a cooked turkey.  The problem is that the drama is really hurt by this.  While Elm Street balanced these out a bit, this film just goes full-tilt crazy with them.  I didn't hate them- I just didn't feel much for the drama either.  The film is also full of little things that are either not explained properly or just feel silly.  In one scene, ghost Jenke shows up in the Interrogation Room and splits the table.  When the Cops come by later, the table is broken in two still and NOBODY asks Lance what happened to it!  Do you guys not see that?!?  There's also a weird sub-plot involving the son making fake complaints to get paid off in free samples.  Where does that go?  Nowhere.  What does it lead to?  Nothing.  Why.  Is.  That.  Here?!?  The film does have a great villain, even if his motivations are nothing more than 'Me be evil' and his powers come from...um, being really evil.  Hopefully Shocker explains this shit, since this film didn't.  The late James Isaac made a really neat-looking film...but it's easy to see why it never quite made the most lasting impression.  Take us away, thing that makes this REALLY House III...

Next up, a film for everyone that liked The Omen, but wished that it was also The China Syndrome.  For all three of you, I've got the film for you!

Pull The Strings!: Puppet Master III

David DeCoteau directed a film without shirtless guys and gay subtext?  That's news to me!  Let's check this one out then.  This is Puppet Master 3, aka the second film chronologically in the series.  My brain hurts!  This film is set in 1941 Berlin, a date that will be very important for you to remember in the next few days.  Andre Toulon has apparently decided to move out of Paris, although they never really say why.  I guess he got tired of the wine, cheese and mummy attacks.  Although, why you would live in Berlin over six years after the conflicts related to WWII began is anyone's guess.  All of the original puppets are back, plus a new one named Six-Shooter.  Of course, this guy didn't show up in some of the films set in later times, but did in others.  You still haven't reached the really confusing stuff yet!  The movie uses a slew of character actors with decent resumes, including Sarah Douglas, Ian Abercrombie (of Seinfeld fame) and Richard Lynch.  The latter appears to have a thing for Full Moon sequels, as he was also the villain of Trancers II.  A lot of people actually like this movie, so I should probably be nice.  Oh wait- when has that ever stopped me?  Get out your German prostitutes for my review of...

In Berlin, Andre Toulon is running a puppet show that mocks the famous leaders of the day.  Nah, it's just Hitler.  By the way, good call, dumb-ass!  One Dwight Schrute-looking guy in the audience takes notes when he sees the puppets move without strings.  Toulon: people are attracted by this feat, so stop doing it in public!  He stays behind after the show and sees Toulon injecting the dolls with their magic liquid and takes a picture or two.  He reports to his leads (Abercrombie and Lynch) about his findings.  Hey, maybe that will help you with your Evil Dead-style experiments to reanimate dead soldiers.  With only his word and some pictures, the Nazis break in and threaten Toulon for his secrets.  When Toulon's wife runs to grab the serum, she is shot.  That will teach you to touch things that belong to you!  By the way, this event is so important that it only bears mentioning in one other Puppet Master film- the 9th one!  They take Toulon away in a separate car from the other Nazis and leave two of his dolls with him.  WHY?  What sense does that make?!?  He's just going to use them to kill the guards and escape because you...he just escaped.  Now he's pissed off and has a small army of killers at his beck and call!

One of the first things that Toulon does is find the body of his wife, which didn't bleed when she was shot, but has bled since.  He uses the doll he made in her likeness, injects her liquid soul into it (why not?!?) and transforms it into Leech Woman.  How does the leech part work?  Does it make leeches or does he just keep filling it up?  He adds that 'this is the best I can do for you,' which I find a bit questionable.  You could just let her soul live on in Heaven, as opposed to being immortal in the form of a doll that spits up leeches!  Abercrombie, meanwhile, has the formula, but can't make it quite work.  This upsets both him and Lynch's superior, who orders them to do better.  Before that can happen, Toulon sneaks up to a Nazi brothel and lets Six-Shooter in.  His disguise- a jacket and sunglasses.  The doll kills the bemused Nazi, but loses an arm in the process.  Thank you, obvious plot point.

Toulon hides out in a bombed-out building, which is also inhabited by a kid and parent from the first scene.  He helps the kid out, but the dad is convinced that he can sell Toulon out to get his Jewish wife back.  Toulon meets up with Abercrombie, who does a 180% face turn and helps him, only to die in the last installment of 'Deep Blue Sea Moments.'  Naturally, Lynch kills the dad too, but Toulon escapes.  He finds his way back to Lynch, however, and beats him up via his dolls.  They set up an elaborate 'Saw-like' rigging to kill him, which involves hooks, some rope and a halberd.  The man dies, but not before seeing a doll made in his likeness.  Keep an eye out for that continuity aspect to get muddled up too.  Toulon escapes by way of some stock footage of a train station and Lynch's ID.  Yes, nobody in town recognizes the man in the Wanted posters or the fact that he's not the famous Nazi Lieutenant!  The End.

This movie is...good, but flawed.  I can deal with a lot of the plot quirks because it's a nice, simple story.  Mind you, some of it exists merely for pathos- see the wife and kid apprentice stories.  The villainous acting of Richard Lynch is always good, even if he's more two-dimensional than usual here.  Rolfe does a good job too.  The puppet work is good at times, although some claymation bits are a bit dated.  I guess it's better than mid-90s CG though.  DeCoteau (apparently pronounced Dakota) does a decent job here.  I like that this was not filmed in Romania or Bulgaria.  Of course, they explain that this is only because of issues in those cities.  The Universal back-lot stuff looks good- naturally- but doesn't quite match their stock footage.  Swing and a miss, guys.  As far as telling a good story, this succeeds.  You can question certain choices here and there, but it's easy to recommend to sell anyone on the series.  It's too bad that it gets retconned to hell later.

Next up, we jump ahead to the year 2010...and also jump back in time.  Let the serious confusion begin, readers!  Stay tuned...

  

Rare Flix: Amityville 4- The Evil Escapes

For those who have followed the page for a while, you would know that I have love/hate relationship with the Amityville Horror series.  I managed to watch the 3rd, 6th and 8th films in the series last year, but boy was it hard.  Incidentally, if you are wondering why I picked those ones: because, that's why!  Anyhow, I skipped the 4th film because it was out-of-print via Netflix.  Checking out my local MovieStop, I found this movie on the shelf and quickly picked it up.  Considering that the last DVD print was made in 2003, I had to get the one copy that they had.  The movie claims to be a separate beast from the first three films, but actually ends up setting the plot ideas used for Parts 5-8.  Never mind the fact that Part 3 ends with the house being blown up!  The movie also credits the book of the same name with the screenplay, but that's mostly a lie.  The books are based on the real legend of what happened at the house- the family murder- and is about the Lutz family being pursued by evil forces.  This movie..not so much.  This is...

The film begins with a 'clown car' full of priests arriving at the infamous house.  Why do you need this many priests?  Is Electronic Arts trying to release another game that's sacrilegious?  No, they are actually here to exorcise the entire house!  This does not go well, ending when a young priest is taken out by a killer lamp that projects the face of Kibakichi (it's a dead-ringer) and knocks him across the room.  While he is in the hospital, the estate's owner sells all of the ornaments and furniture, including the lamp.  Um, did you guys skip a step here?  You can't go 'we must exorcise the house' and 'let's sell everything' in the span of two days.  It takes longer than that to get rid of termites!  A woman buys the big, ugly lamp for her sister (Patty Duke) in California, but not before she cuts her finger on the thing.  Our narrative jumps to said sister, whose house is invaded by the evil spirit via the 'Evil Dead' Cam and a light wind.  By the way, if you needed proof that this movie was made post-Evil Dead, this is it!  The house is invaded by something else though: family.  Our trouble-ridden family includes a now-single mother, an awkward teen, an ugly boy (sorry, but you are!) and a little girl pulled right out of Poltergeist.  After the death of her husband, the woman takes her family to live there for a bit of financial security.  Start some trouble, Satan!

The evil spirit has entered the house via the lamp.  It takes on a variety of powers right out of Poltergeist and 1988's Pulse.  Here's a sample:

* The lamp opens the door to the bird's cage and chases it into a toaster oven.  Still want Quizno's?

* It blocks all incoming calls from getting through to the house.

* The force blows incoming mail behind couches.

* It causes a food processor to turn on, cutting up a young man's hand.

* The power turns on a chainsaw and nearly causes the boy to kill grandma.  Another Evil Dead reference?

* The lamp causes black sludge to come out through the pipes.  Not only that, but it causes a board to break, which blocks in the plumber, and drowns the man in said sludge.

* To cover that offense, it controls the truck outside of the house and makes it drive away.

After all of this chaos, the woman dies from the cut on her finger (don't ask), which prompts the now-healthy young priest to try and call her.  This angers the spirit, which calls him back and melts his phone!  How does this work across phone lines and over 2,700 miles?!?  He goes there in person, which is something that angers the demon all the more.  The family finally figures out that something is up when the youngest daughter talks to her dead father and the maid ends up dead.  They finally confront the evil lamp in the attic and bring the priest for back-up.  Unfortunately, the evil appliance has possessed the girl and causes her to fly across the room like Cathy Rigby and stab the priest.  Obvious wires for the win!  They hold the girl down- why is that hard?- while the grandmother tries to stop the lamp.  One flash of light puts her down though.  What is this, Everquest?  Finally, they manage to stop the lamp by tossing out the window, causing it to crash into a bed of rocks.  By the way, how close is your house to the shore again?  It explodes like a Ford Pinto, making everything alright.  Unfortunately, we get a twist ending that would show up again in Fallen- possessed cat.

This movie is good to a point, but fails as time goes by.  Much like Amityville 1992: It's About Time, it goes way over-the-top when it comes to the spirit's powers.  They set up that it controls the house by plugging into the breaker.  I can buy that- as a movie idea, not reality- but they can't be content with that.  Consider that Pulse did this same premise a year earlier (1988) and managed to not pull this crap.  It wasn't good, but it played by the rules.  If you want to set-up that the house can control anything in itself, I can sort of buy that.  They don't do that though.  Like Amityville 3-D and 1992, the force can attack in any way that it feels like it should.  On a side note, they don't overdo the bit with the flies, which is a great improvement over 3-D.  Does the movie ever explain how the power controls a chainsaw (it's not plugged into anything) or creates sludge in the pipes?  No.  If you can't be bothered to explain your own plot events, why should I care?  As far as Amityville films go, this is decent.  As far as the standard for any other film series, it sucks.

Next up, Blockbuster Trash brings you the sequel to an Uwe Boll anti-classic.  Can it suck as hard as the first movie?  It will find a way.  Stay tuned...