'90s Trash: The Mangler (1995)

Not every Stephen King Story NEEDS to be a Movie.  Today's Film is The Mangler, a 1995 'Classic' that is somewhere up there with Dreamcatcher and The Lawnmower Man in the King Film hierarchy.  You're no Silver Bullet, but you aren't quite as bad as Creepshow 3.  The Film tells the tale of a seemingly-normal machine that comes to life and kills people.  It only gets sillier and crazier as time goes on, somehow involving a conspiracy of rich people and human sacrifice.  It comes to us from Tobe Hooper...although he was fired/quit before the Film was finished.  That hasn't happened to Hooper since 1982's Venom.  Notable Cast includes Ted Levine- about 3 years after playing Buffalo Bill- and Robert Englund.  I guess that would explain why he was in Hooper's Masters of Horror Episode.  Depending on how good this one turns out to be, I may do that one next.  Is The Mangler a Film that shouldn't be remembered or one that shouldn't be so obscure?  To find out, read on...

At a Factory that apparently does lots of Laundry, a series of sudden events happen.  First, this lady cuts her hand on a lever and does what anyone would do- point said hand at the machine.

Secondly, two guys moving an Icebox (in a Laundry Facility?) nearly drop it, causing it to bump into the Machine- nicknamed the Mangler- and sparks to fly out.

Lastly, it has to fail a safety feature when a person does the dumbest thing ever and tries to reach into a giant laundry press.  She dies...in a messy way.

A Detective- Levine- investigates the case, but it is quickly ignored by the City Inspector.  Naturally, he turns to...his Brother-in-Law?

Seriously, it takes 10 minutes of them talking before he's identified!

What does this have to do with the evil Owner of the Factory?  The answer is damn silly.

Brother-in-Law is all about Magic and Mystery,  Since this is a Movie, all of that stuff about Human Sacrifice and Demonic Spirits in the Machine are true.

It sure would be nice to see a Film where they espouse all of this stuff and it's wrong, wouldn't it?

So what is the Story exactly?  Well, Englund has been doing human sacrifices of 16 year-old rich girls to keep himself alive.

This, of course, was unrelated to the Mangler itself until recently...and now he's dead.

The Exorcism goes awry thanks to a Chekhov's Antacid (new one!) and the Mangler gets more powerful, turning into a terrible CG creation.

In the End, the creature stops after Levine and the intended victim get away...only to later find out that the girl losing a finger has now made her evil...or something.  Way to be Manos.  The End.

Silly, ridiculous and kind of dumb.  For starters, they turned a 10 page Short Story into a 90 minute Film.  I guess I should be glad that they didn't stretch it into 3 Films!  All of the Subplots- added.  Hell, the Character of the Factory Owner doesn't actually appear in the Short Story, so his stuff is just all made up for the Film.  So, let me try to sum up the Plot for you.  A rich guy sacrifices girls to keep himself alive and some Demon kills them in a machine.  Said Machine was apparently always evil, but didn't get outwardly evil until the girl's blood splashed on it.  What is the deal with the Icebox full of souls?  See I thought the idea was that an evil soul escaped the Icebox, but apparently it might be the opposite.  It is possible that the Film explained this more clearly, but it just piled up the dumb so quickly that I kind of zoned out.  How did you make a Story about a Demon-possessed Laundry Machine even dumber?!?  I haven't even gotten the part where the Mangler somehow breaks free of its power source and foundation to chase them through a hallway!  Kudos to Levine and Englund for trying to make this whole silly thing fun.  Ultimately, The Mangler is just plain dumb...but at least it had an actual Budget (making it superior to the 2005 Sequel).  It does teach you a valuable lesson about why you should be careful when disposing of old Appliances though...

Next up, a somewhat-ignored Cronenberg Film.  Will the return of Art Hindle mean another good Film?  Stay tuned...

A Rare Case: The Mangler 3

While movies are very important, the menus are key. Consider that it is your way to navigate to all the features and aspects of the film that you want to see. It is like a book having an upside down cover with an arrow pointing upwards. So what is the DVD equivalent of that? The DVD menu to The Mangler 3...

Okay, I'm confused. Is there a Scene Selection at all? Are there optional languages, a Commentary Track or even subtitles for the deaf/hard of hearing? Well, let's look at what they offer as a Special Features...

Oh, you put everything in this menu, huh? That's really, really stupid. Given the film, I should not be surprised.

Up next, a pair of menus that are even worse! No, really. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Mangler Reborn

After the debacle that was The Mangler 2, do I really need to talk about this third film? I mean, honestly, what do you expect from it? Do you think that it will be a horror classic that redefines the genre in a meaningful way? Do you have high expectations, despite this being only four years old and already forgotten by almost everyone? I should tell you that none of the stars, writers or producers are involved as well. I mean, why should I bother? On second thought, I already watched it, so you have to suffer too. This is...

Our film begins with a middle-aged man that is not in a good situation. He is spending all his time and money on a mysterious machine in the attic. His wife berates him for it, which he answers by killing her. That machine is...yeah, you already guessed what it was. After this, we get our title screen and are suddenly introduced to a completely different character. She comes home after a long day and is confronted by her boyfriend/fiance/husband (they never elaborate) ready to leave her...for some reason. They also never explain that either. So Rhett Giles ends his cameo by leaving and the woman explains over the phone how she has also lost her job. At least her dog didn't die and her pickup truck stalled. This is immediately followed by her taking a shower as her body double bares her breasts for the camera. A repair man arrives as she gets dressed (thank you, pointless cheesecake shot #2) and it is, you guessed it, the man from earlier. He suddenly attacks her with his rubber mallet, but she fights back and runs away. She escapes to her room and hides, but he catches her again. She *sigh* fights back again and runs away. Just kidnap her already! Thank you.

He brings her in the house in a burlap sack, which, of course, renders her completely powerless and mute. He locks her in a room upstairs and prepares for his actions. Meanwhile, a pair of thieves are casing the neighborhood and look at the man's house. It is a piece of crap, bu they figure that he is hiding something. One of them goes inside while the man is away seeking out another victim. Once inside, he wanders around aimlessly and discovers nothing interesting, save for a dresser drawer full of woman's wallets. Apparently, the guy never kills men, so thanks for that.  If you are a woman, well, it sucks to be you. The man wanders around some more and watches our villain drag a woman up to the machine. For some reason, he cannot just pick his way back out the door he broke in through and gets killed. Meanwhile, our heroine just mopes in her room and does nothing- thanks for coming!  Speaking of which, Reggie Bannister is also here!

This movie is so badly-paced and redundant that it is nearly Dante's 8th Level of Hell! Let's watch the man's sidekick wander around the same set! Thrill as he notices the same things! Hold your breath as he reveals that the windows have been bricked up yet again! You will pay for the whole seat, but not need any of it, since you will fall out of your chair when you pass out during your nap! Seriously, this movie is just so tedious. They establish a couple of interesting ideas- i.e. the killer as immortal due to already being dead- but just hammer them in thousands of times! Basically, another woman is kidnapped, the other guy is killed (after pausing three or four times to get hit again) & the machine gets some blood. On the subject, the machine is much smaller than in the first film and has a line of Rupe Goldbergian-style knives and hatchets on sticks. It just looks really, really stupid every time they show it. Also stupid is the scene where our heroine hides from the villain in the little pit where all the organs end up. Good plan! I won't spoil the ending, but I will tell you that it is stupid.

*

Okay, I lied. The woman and the killer both end up in the machine, but the man comes out...again. Apparently it does not want him to stay dead, but it does with her. Lame!

This movie is worse than The Mangler 2, but only slightly. The Pacing is worse and there are even less characters. We also get no Stars that are willing to do more than just walk by the set.  On the plus side, it is a proper sequel.  On the negative side, it feels exactly like a crappy Sequel to a film that was not exactly Citizen Kane to begin with!  Almost no budget, but lots of crappy gore and nearly no Plot. 'There's a guy in a house who kills people' is not enough plot for a Fulci film! Is it any wonder why this film did not make a dent in the market when it came out? I didn't think so. Now I'm done. Thank God!  It's just a shame that the Killer wasn't actually Ralphus...

Let's take a look at some classic gore films. To begin with, a town that you should never visit! Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Mangler 2

Let's just face facts here: sequels to Tobe Hooper films are just doomed from the start. It doesn't help when the guy is not even involved in the production. For all its faults, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is not a terrible film, especially when compared to Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Part 3 or any of the other sequels. Today's film is not going to get that much of a compliment from me. Hell, I'm more likely to be nicer to Poltergeist 3 (not quite obscure enough for a review, but close) than this movie. Curious as to why? Consider that this film was made nearly six years later and with almost none of the budget or stars. I'm sorry- I was being a bit too mean. It does have Lance Henriksen in it. Of course, he clearly does not want to be in it, but too bad. Let's jump right into...

Our film begins with a Thief wandering around an office building. We get a shot of a camera about every 20 seconds here, because, as you will learn, the Director has some sort of fetish for them. The vandal gets into the main office room and *gasp* downloads a virus. This immediately sets off the Security System...somehow and the perp flees. Suddenly, their key card stops working and they get caught by the Police. The Thief is...a Girl. I thought they only knew how to cook, clean and live several years longer on average than men! She also turns out to be the Daughter of the man who owns the building and- obviously- hates him. What to do with her? Send her to prep school, of course. That bastard! We are introduced to our lead (read: only) Characters. One is a stoner idiot, the other is a jock, you have the slutty/popular girl, the weirdo (our heroine). All they're missing is the damn Principal and just giving us the damn cast of The Breakfast Club! Oh wait, we have a black guy too. We also have the Principal- played by Lance- who explains that our heroine's father has used the film to beta-test his security systems. By the way, subtle foreshadowing, movie.

To save on the budget, the film shrinks our cast into a group of five students and some random teachers. How? By 'sending all the other students away' and leaving the 5 Prefects to find out who put a prank opener on the school website. Really? That's all you've got?!? They take this very seriously and...sit around the pool and smoke pot. When will someone just kill these characters? Before the killing starts, our heroine downloads the Mangler 2.0 virus onto the school computer, since everyone assumed that she pulled the prank anyways. We also get a tedious bit where the lead girl explains her obsession with Mandelbrot sets, even showing one on her shirt. You have not lived until you have heard the word 'Mandel-boobie.' After lingering way too long on these terrible characters, the film begins to kill off the random adult teachers that are hanging around. The first is the Janitor, who is killed by a blade on a stick (no, really) being put into a room and buzzing sounds going off.  Yeah, it's Dark Harvest all over again!  The next one is the lady Teacher who decides to wash her clothes at the School whilst in her nightie! Reality is not this movie's friend! The cook also gets locked in the freezer, but survives hypothermia somehow.

Eventually, our heroes figure out what is happening after the black guy is killed by...a room full of hot water from the sprinklers.  Geez, those guys really do die easily on film!  If you wanted to watch people run around scared for several minutes on end, you are in luck!  At least the film has the decency to make one of them a skanky blond in a bikini top!  Pretty much the whole Third Act is them running around, delivering bad dialogue and reacting to shots of cameras. This movie is more obsessed with cameras than 1984 and Enemy of the State combined!  Web-cams, inside cameras and outside cameras- oh my!  My favorite part is the scene where they sneak around corners to avoid a single, rotating camera...only to discover another camera in their hiding spot, causing them to just say 'screw it' and run!  For no apparent reason, the heroine's Bodyguard (she is rich, after all) drives back to the school on the same day that he dropped her off and crashes the electric gate. Of course, the jock still dies when it turns back on...even though it is not in one piece anymore. This drives our heroine to confront Lance, who is now half-man and half-machine...on the cover of a magazine. The movie never really explains this all too well, but whatever. We finally have a less crappy monster that is not just a prop knife on a stick. At least...oh, he's dead now. That was pointless, thank you. The End.

This movie is bad. What does it have to do with the previous film about a possessed piece of manufacturing equipment? Jack shit! What does it have in common with any good movie? Well...it is shot with a camera. Lance Henriksen is not bad here, but he's not exactly given a good role. If you want to see a classically-trained actor read off a set of cue cards in his biggest scene, this is your movie! The special effects that you actually see are laughable and most of them are just camera tricks. Oh no, the lady is pulled by her hair! I wonder what is going to happen? Oh, she dies off-screen and does the Wilhelm Scream. Why do I care again? Oh right, I don't.

At least I'm done with this series. It's not like there is a third film out there. Oh shit, there is! Stay tuned...