En Francais: Subway (1985)

Le revanche du Lambert!  Today's Film is Subway, a 1985 Cult Classic starring the future Highlander.  It was also Directed by Luc Besson.  For the casual fan, he's the guy behind The Professional and The Fifth Element.  He also made- unfortunately for him- the biggest 'Independent Film' of all time budget-wise...and nobody saw it.  Hell, I have a copy and I still haven't seen it!  The near future would be bright for both of them, so it's interesting to see them together here.  I also get to see Lambert speaking French, which is less uncommon than you would think.  I, for one, am used to him speaking English and just kind of assumed for a long time that it was his native tongue.  Live and learn.  This Film tells the tale of Lambert as a guy named Fred.  Fred has two problems- he hates safes and he loves a girl way above his social status.  When the two things unite, he has one option- hide out in the Subway System of Paris- naturally.  Can he form a new life there or will his desire for one woman be the death of him?  To find out, read on...

The Film begins abruptly with a car chase.  Lambert escapes his pursuers in typical Blues Brothers fashion and hides out in the Subway.

How he's not easily spotted with his Eraserhead hair is anyone's guess.

He has a connection a rich Socialite- blackmail.  When a trade for the material goes wrong, she starts to hang around.

He finds a very interesting literal underworld in the Subway, including people doing the most normal thing- having a Birthday Party.

Naturally, Lambert and his weird expressions make this awkward as hell.

Great material for me though.

While he tries to assemble a Band in the Subway, the woman seems to fall more for him and reject her current status.  To be fair, she's married to this guy.

While not integral to the Plot, the Film does feature a guy named 'Big Bill' who enters through a shower of sparks (a la Bill Goldberg).

I'd like to picture Dusty Rhodes being a big fan of French New Wave Cinema...so I will.

All of the Plot Points- including the jealous Husband, the tough Detective and the band assembly- come together as Lambert's Band plays in the Subway Station, taking the place of a string quartet.

Man, even their Subways are classier than ours!

Lambert is shot by a man working for the husband and the Film ends rather abruptly after this.  Who doesn't love a semi-vague ending?  The End.

A slow, but steady Film.  There's nothing that's ever boring in this one, but it is definitely paced differently than many may be used to.  It is less about the Plot directly and more about the ambiance of the area.  It is about interesting locations and people.  There is always a driving Plot, so don't think that it is just a nothing Film.  Getting the balance between 'weird, slice of life Story' and Plot-driven Film is tricky.  Thankfully, this one balances it quite well.  Fred is an interesting, if strange guy.  Helena seems shallow, but grows deeper as the Film progresses.  All of the Supporting Players- like the Detective, Big Bill and others- get good moments.  On top of that, the Film is shot well and looks nice.  It is Luc Besson- he almost always gets that right.  As a bonus, the Soundtrack is quite great, especially if you like '80s New Wave like I do.  The whole thing is just fun and enjoyable.  The Ending is a bit odd, but, you know, French.  Oh and the 'Lightsaber' (which, for the record, I knew wasn't one) is just a light he holds for about a minute before dropping it.  Makes for a great Poster, at least.  I'll leave you with a helpful hint.  If you're looking for Lambert in non-English Films, well, drop the 'R' in 'Christopher.'

Next time, an LSD Trip of a Film.  On the plus side, 4 Batman Villains unite!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art?: Subway (1985)

As a fan of Christopher Lambert, it is always interesting to see his non-Highlander Roles.  In this case, it is a Film made before he even started down that road.

Let's see if this lovely Box Art can sell me...

Lambert with a Lightsaber?  Lambert with a Lightsaber!

Get on my TV, Movie!

As always, the original...

An old, washed out Box just needed a touch-up.  That's why I'm here.

Holiday Rip-Off Flix: Resurrection (1999)

There are least Se7en reasons that this Film exists.  

Today's Film is Resurrection, a 1999 Thriller in the vein of that 1990s Classic.  David Fincher is indirectly related to the look of a lot of Films post-1995.  In this case, it is a pretty direct connection.  This is basically to Se7en what Die Hard is to Action Films post-1988.  Just like how there are many Die Hard, but... Films out there- even being made to this day! -, there are quite a few 'Se7en, but... Films too.  

This one is pretty shameless.  Throw in a Music Video Director and a man who made a few odd choices in 1999 (Beowulf) and you have this Movie.  

The Director- Russell Mulcahy.  

The Star- Christopher Lambert.  It is a very Lambert Easter!  

As a bonus irony, they aped the Style of the Director of Aliens 3, while naming the Film after the subtitle from Aliens 4!  I don't think it was intentional, but I find it funny all the same.  

The Story involves a mysterious killer committing a bunch of crimes related to Jesus Christ and Easter.  I'm going to Hell for this Review, aren't I?  

As the gore escalates (apparently cut down to avoid an NC-17!) and the tension rises, can Officer Lambert save the day?  To Find out, read on...

In Chicago (actually Toronto), a mysterious murder occurs involving a rich guy found dead and missing an arm!

 I guess in this Version the Morgan Freeman part is Lambert.

Seriously, just look at some of these shots without thinking about Se7en- I dare you!

 As we later learn, the killer wrote this in Lamb's blood.  

So, while this is ominous and all, we also have to imagine him going to a Farm to buy a lamb, don't we?!?

As the victims wrack up and the limbs go missing, Lambert is super-serious, yo!

Incidentally, did they ever catch that guy from Pieces?  

It may be him!

Right out of you-know-what, they nearly catch the killer at one Scene and chase him through an alley.

Unlike that Film, one of the Cops gets shot and loses a leg!

This FBI guy seems to be trying to help, but anyone who's watched Scooby-Doo knows not to trust him!

Plus, the Actor, much like a Billy Drago or Bill Oberst Jr, seems to always play bad guys, so...

The killer tries to get personal by targeting Lambert's wife, but he ends up killing someone else.

Incidentally, we get 2 Scenes of a Priest.  

He's played by David Cronenberg, moving down in the world from running that Prison in Jason X.

Just like John Doe, they catch him.  The hook here: trying to get evidence to stick.

Sorry, but you're not quite Kevin Spacey. (2023 Update- That's kind of a compliment now)

After the killer is free again, he appears to be done with his masterpiece- a Pieces-style sculpture of Jesus.

Of course, he also somehow made the Partner's missing left leg into a right one!

Lambert eventually confronts the killer one last time (a la Last Action Hero) and has to save a baby.  Somehow John Doe's final revenge seems more dark and ironic.

Either way, he gets shot and the baby lives.  Happy Easter!

Not your usual Holiday fare!  The Film has some really good points, but so many are just straight-out lifted from Se7en.  I know I've mentioned the comparison a few dozen times, but it is hard not to.  This is by no means The Asylum's Se7en- which would probably be Ei8ht- though.  

The people involved do their parts pretty well.  The Director throws in some of his favorite camera tricks to distract you from how much this looks like Fincher.  Lambert does his usual routine here- nothing more, nothing less.  He seems to be pretty invested here and doesn't appear to be high like he was in Absolon.  The Film doesn't allow him *too* many opportunities to do his trademark smirk, but he works it in still. 

 

The Film's two roadblocks: the Religious Theme and the Gore.  

The former is laid on pretty thick, but filtered through the idea that this guy is just plain crazy too.  There is a half-hearted subplot about Lambert losing his faith, but it mostly just moves him to the next piece of evidence.  

The Gore is pretty prevalent, even in her Version- which is apparently shorter.  If you don't like the stuff, you will have some hard times with this Film.  To be fair, it isn't played off as commonplace by the Characters, so it does have dramatic impact.  

Resurrection is a pretty blatant Se7en knock-off, but it's still alright.  It just isn't mind-blowing though...

Considering it is a copy of a more famous Film, the Movie still does alright.  It is about as subtle as, well, a sculpture of Jesus made out of body parts though.

Top 12 Often Over-Looked Horror Movie Mothers

In lieu of a Review, I'm going to give some attention to some Mothers that don't get any due.  Naturally, I picked Fictional ones from Horror Films.  My goal was to cover ones that aren't as talked about online.

They deserve their due!

I mean, I could list all the ones you're expecting- Friday the 13th, Scream 2, Mama- but where's the fun in that?  Besides, Psycho is on like every freaking list and that...that is just silly.

Honorable Mention: Suspiria/Inferno/Mother of Tears- not actually Mothers (just Mother of ____, _____ and _____).  Still scary though.

12. Warlock 2- Armageddon/Xtro: A minor one, but an important one.  The titular Warlock has to show up to start the also-titular Armageddon.  How does he do it?  He infects a lady and is birthed by her right there in her living room!  As a bonus, this also happens in Xtro, only with an Alien/Human hybrid.

11. Anguish: While it is hard to tell what is happening in this overly-confusing-mind-trip Film, I do know one thing: Zelda Rubinstein is evil.  She drives her middle-aged son to kill people and take their eyes.  I should also note that her part is in the Film-within-the-Film.  That internal Film- Mother.

10. Beowulf (1999): What a Mother!  In this particular version of Beowulf, the final battle (as always) occurs between The Mother of All Monsters and our hero.  In this one, however, she is portrayed as half-Penthouse Model and half-giant spider/mutant thing.  It is ridiculous and not nearly as hot as 'Model on a Porn Star' Angelina Jolie...although also far less deep into the Uncanny Valley.

9. Mommy/Mommy's Day: She's a killer Momma.  Instead of talking about Serial Mom, let me talk about these ones.  She will kill anyone that she perceives as getting in the way of her kid's success.  This Bad Seed is one bad Momma!

8. Pulse 2: Another bad Mamma, but somehow sold as good.  In this Film, Ghosts have escaped from Internet (just go with it) and are making a mess of the world.  This lady is about to kill her young child rather than let it get infected by the plague.  She is killed instead, however, and proceeds to haunt the Dad and child to the very end.  When she kills him at the End, this is treated as 'justice.'  I'm not sure that I follow, movie...

7. The Baby: A double dose of weird!  A State Employee is tasked with checking in on a child in her Town.  What she discovers if a full-grown adult who acts like a baby!  Why?  Well, the Mom and Sister committed to this plan after the Husband/Dad left.  That's...messed up.  Our heroine eventually gets the 'kid' from their custody...since they get killed.  Now here's the twist: she wants to raise the man-baby with...her man-baby!  They don't say it explicitly, but the implication is that her Husband/Fiancee got a bad head injury and regressed to an infantile state.  What a...happy family?

6. Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter: This blood-sucking Momma is just keeping the family in line.  In the Story, the titular hero comes to town to, well, guess.  He eventually discovers a strict, hierarchal Vampire family.  Momma Vampire and her son put up a good fight, proving that family is tough to combat.

5. Offspring (2009): While I don't like the Film, I can't deny how applicable it is.  A mostly-inbred, cannibal family off the coast of Maine makes their play to catch some new food.  They attack a house with a pair of Mothers and their kids.  Both sides fight hard against each other.  On the cannibal side, the Mother takes charge by the end (leading to the film The Mother).  On the good side, these ladies stand their ground, no matter what the cost.

4. Humanoids from the Deep (1980): Here's a change- a strong, heroic Mother.  While the Film is not even remotely Feminist (in light of Corman firing the lady Director for not shooting more Nudity and hiring a man to do it), it has one great moment.  While most of the Humanoids attack the Fair, one goes to attack the hero's house.  The Mother of his young child is at home and manages to fend off the creature in defense of her child, even killing it!

3. Inside: Not too forgotten, but definitely worthy of more notice.  Crazy lady with scissors attacks pregnant lady in home.  Why?  Well, the latter caused a car accident which made the former lose her unborn child.  You also get to see our heroine's Mother, so it is triply-applicable.

2. Phenomena: Another killer Momma.  In one of Dario Argento's less-appreciated Films, our heroine tracks down a killer of women in Switzerland.  It turns out to be some sort of misshapen child that belongs to Dario Nicolodi's Character.  She takes action on his behalf, protecting her son from justice because of the power of motherhood.  Let's just say that it doesn't end well.

1. Helldriver: We're going to Japan for the top pick.  In this crazy Film, a Husband and Wife killer team chase down their child when she flees the pair.  The Mother ends up getting struck by some space debris and emerges as a Zombie-creating Alien Hybrid.  This is Japan, you know.  She is so effective that Japan is literally separated into an infected side and a clean side.  Good for you, Mom.

On this Holiday, salute your Mothers and thank Xenu that they aren't like some of the ones here!

Happy Mother's Day.

There Should Be Only One: Fortress 2- Re-Entry

It usually takes more than one sequel to go to Space.  Today's film is Fortress 2: Re-Entry, featuring the return of Lambert.  Unfortunately, he's the only one returning.  Most of the Cast was killed off, so it's understandable in that respect.  However, the people that could have returned- Director Stuart Gordon and Loryn Locklin as Mrs. Brennick- are not here.  I miss one of them more.  The story takes place several vague years after the original Fortress.  I say vague years because the film says that 7 years has gone by, yet Lambert's new-born son is 10 years old.  I guess it's like the reverse of how kids never age on Cartoons- see perpetually-young Bart Simpson.  Naturally, this is going to end with Lambert in Prison again, leading the film to try to raise the stakes.  How do they do it?  To find out, read on...

Over in...Canada, I guess, Lambert and his family are asked to go on a mission.  He says 'no.'

Unfortunately, he didn't realize that the Sequel had started, so shit goes down still.

Their Cabin is attacked by Men-Tel, so Lambert make a distraction for his wife- no longer the same Actress- and son to escape...for now.

Actually, they spend the whole film running.  Score one point for not being exactly the same (in this regard).

The new Fortress is different- it's in Space!

Minus 20 points for the prisoners somehow being unaware that they are in Space at first.  How do you not notice being strapped into a Space Shuttle?!?

Another new thing is that Pam Grier is here.  She does almost nothing until the Finale, in which they awkwardly-force her into it.  Kudos for taking the view screens from Spaceballs too.

The film hits a lot of the same notes as the original though.  They generally aren't clever twists on them- they're just the same scenes.  Joy.

Likewise, Lambert is thrown into Solitary and punished.  He doesn't lose his memory this time, which is a small plus.  It's still same old, same old though.

The 'Lambert fights a Prisoner' bit takes place later and they actually up the ante by having it be against Dog-Welder.

Seriously, do a Google search on 'Dog-Welder.'  You won't be disappointed.

Hey look, a newly-made close friend is killed right before the Climax.  That's unique for the series, right?

That said, the finale has some good moments.  Lots of action and explosions.

In the End, Lambert returns to Canada (or Bulgaria) to his wife and son, who were never caught.

Oh and I guess this is the End, since he helped Grier- the head of Men-Tel- escape too.  Alright then.  The End.

It's a shame that this isn't better.  In the movie's defense, they do try some interesting things.  The problem is that there just isn't enough of this.  It's mostly Fortress...again.  On top of that, the simple, straight-forward plotting has been replaced with lots of ancillary stuff that goes nowhere.  The film's lone female prisoner (of note) has a thing for Lambert, but that disappears two scenes later.  One Guard is helped out by Lambert and befriends him...just so he can die in the finale.  Pathos- gotta love it!  The few good and unique ideas really do stand in the shadows of the rehashed ones.  Look- I get it.  You're a sequel.  With that said, even crappy film sequels did some major changes.  Leprechaun 2 changes the setting, character goal and overall feel.  Amityville 4 was set in a different house, featured new (albeit silly) powers and an evil lamp.  Hell, even Corpse Grinders II is about aliens and shit.  Instead, you get mostly the same film, silly retcons (the new Warden was the originally Prison designer...apparently) and new characters that come out of nowhere.  Remember the military resistance group trying to stop Men-Tel?  No?  They were never mentioned before and just suddenly appear for this story.  The film is not without merit and you'd probably like it a lot more if you only saw this one.  I can't imagine why you'd just watch Fortress 2, but whatever.  I'll just end by paraphrasing Highlander: there should be only one!

Next up, a film about killer cockroaches in Los Angeles.  Why is it that all I can focus on is the Stock Footage then?  Stay tuned...

G. Gordon, Stuart: Fortress

All locked up and nowhere to go.  Today's film is Fortress, a long-forgotten Sci-Fi film.  How can it be so forgotten though?  It's got Christopher Lambert- he was in one respectable Highlander film!  It's got Jeffrey Combs- he was in two good Re-Animator films!  It's got Vernon Wells- he was in The Drawn Together Movie- The Movie!  It's' got Kurtwood Smith- he did blow in Robocop!  It's by Stuart Gordon- he wrote Space Truckers!  Hell, even the Supporting Cast is made up of people who aren't big names, but were in a lot of great movies.  People like Lincoln Kilpatrick (The Omega Man), Clifton Collins Jr (most recently Pacific Rim) and Tom Towles (The Devil's Rejects) are here to fill out the ranks.  So what's the deal?  I don't know.  Regardless, I got it for $2.99, so I might as well Review it.  In the Dystopian future of...four years from now, you can only have one kid.  If you have a second, it belongs to an evil Corporation.  When you don't go along with the plan, you end up in the Fortress.  Just a side note: HBO used to *constantly* tease me by saying that they were going to play it, only to play a 1985 film of the same name.  Screw you.  So, yeah, the movie.  To find out whether it was worth my $2.99, read on...

Lambert and his wife try to flee the United States.  Traffic sure is rough the night before The Purge, huh?

Lambert gets caught- as their first child died in labor, they had to flee to deliver another- and sent to the Fortress.  I hope some TV Star isn't running the place.

Aw crap- it's Kurtwood Smith.  You can tell that this movie was made in 1992, since he isn't completely bald yet.

DNA is a bitch, huh?

Lambert and Collins Jr end up in a cell with...Jeffrey Combs?  Well, it is a Stuart Gordon film.  He wasn't the Warden like I guessed, but oh well.

Lambert gets in a conflict with 187 (Vernon Wells, as opposed to Snoop Dogg).  After the fight, The Warden shows him who's in charge by just blowing a chunk out of Wells.

It's a neat visual, but how can you not be sure that your stomach is missing?  I'm just saying...

As it turns out, The Warden is some kind of synthetic man, which is apparently what the Corporation does with the babies.  He has developed a man-bot crush on Lambert's wife- who is also in the Fortress-, which gives her a chance to help Lambert escape.

He'd better hurry up with that whole 'breaking out' thing as Smith is about to take his baby out to make some more...whatever the hell he is.

The living members of the crew make it to a Barn to deliver the baby.  However, the film is not content with that Climax, so it needs one more involving a robot-controlled truck.

We get a fake-out for a super-dark ending, but that just leads to all being well.

That is, of course, until Fortress 2: Re-Entry.  More on that in the future.  The End.

It actually holds up quite well.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it's a lot better.  Films like this really tend to live or die by the gimmick.  If you don't buy the setting, it falls apart completely.  This one works, however, as they really lay the 'you can't get out' schtick on really thick.  The place is so rough that they even monitor your dreams and punish you if you have happy ones.  That is one harsh place!  The film really works due to everyone involved doing such a good job.  Everyone plays their part to perfection, whether it's Combs' nerdy guy or Wells' super-mean bully.  They even add little nice touches to the characters like Wells fearing his imminent demise and Combs' dark back-story.  The film does its best to hide its budgetary limitations, giving you some nice robot explosions- complete with goo- and they do spring for one exploding barn.  It's more than a film I have coming up does, so bear that in mind.  If you love Lambert or Stuart Gordon, give this one a look.  If you're as lucky as I am, you'll easily get your $3 worth from it.  Take us away, familiar Jeffrey Combs character...

Next up, we take a quick break from Fortress films to discuss a recent bit of Foreign silliness.  It looks and sounds like an Asylum film, but comes from...China.  Stay tuned...