*My* Top 10 Disappointments of 2015

As the year comes to a close, let me look back at the Films that just disappointed.

Some of the worst Films won't make this List, since, well, I expected them to suck...

10. Fantastic Four (2015): Okay, I expected this one to suck a little.  While I defend the original Fantastic Four Films (as they are), it is harder to defend this one.  The tone is so bleak and murky.  Nobody gets along.  All of the interesting stuff is squeezed into the last 20 minutes.  So bad.  Let Marvel do this already!

9. White Gorilla: Even by this Set's standards, this was bad.  So, if you missed the Review, here's the summary: someone took a Silent Film Serial, added new Footage with a Suit Performer and then tried to re-sell it.  This was only about 20 years later.  So, so disappointing.

8. Island of the Dead: The Flies.  This is about evil Flies that represent our sins...or something.  Long before stuff like the Halloween Films and Silent Night, Malcolm McDowell was in stuff like this.  Oh well- it was cheap.

7. Devil Story: So crazy that it must...be confusing and boring.  How did this one go wrong?  This French Horror Film features a Zombie AND a Mummy.  What could go wrong?  Well, the answer lies in how someone tried to make it 'Arty.'  The result: it isn't all that fun.  Weird...but not fun.

6. The Burning Dead: Lava Zombies!  What can go wrong?  Well, everything.  Sorry, People Who Sent Me This Screener Link.  Danny Trejo can't save you this time!

5. Inara the Jungle Girl: Meh.  This one sounds like it will be lots of fun.  A bunch of lady Wrestlers play Jungle Girls that fend off Mercenaries.  Great.  What could go wrong?  Well, make the first hour of it an emotional drama- that's how.  How do you mess up Exploitation?

4. Crazy Hong Kong (aka The Gods Must Be Crazy IV): I waited so long for this, huh?  After years of hearing about the Film, this Rare Flix Feature is just kind of fast and silly.  The original Films weren't Hamlet, but they had a certain charm to them.  The original Films are a good Comic telling you a bit.  This Film is a kid who saw it on TV trying to tell you the same bit.  It is mostly the same, but the magic is missing.

3. Under the Skin: I know so many people love it.  I don't.  There is at least one good thing for going for it.  You don't need me to spell it out, right?

2. Vampire in Venice: Another Film that wasn't really worth the wait.  An unofficial Sequel to Werner Herzog's Nosferatu (itself a Remake of a Film that was a rip-off of Dracula)- why not?  Well, I think that the Behind the Scenes stuff sets the mood.  It is an unofficial Sequel since Klaus Kinski refused to shave his head.  On top of that, about a third of the Film was shot by the 2nd Unit due to Actor issues.  That tells you what was going on there and why the final Product is a bit of a letdown.

1. Primer (2004): Sorry, Maynard.  Actually, I'm not.  This one sucked.  I didn't like it.  At all.  Period.  End of sentence.

Bring on the hate-mail.  I'm looking at you, Maynard.  

Sons of Kong?: Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla (1952)

Thank Space Jesus this is over!  At long last, I am done with the Sons of Kong Set.  Who's stupid idea was it to do all 10 of these?  Oh, right.  Naturally, I'm going out with arguably the worst one in the whole group.  The Film- Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla.  I don't really need to spell this one out, do I?  No?  Well, tough shit!  I looked this crap up and you're going to read it.  The Director- William Beaudine.  Yes, the Director of Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter and Billy the Kid vs. Dracula.  Crap.  The Stars- Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo.  I'll actually forgive you for not knowing those names.  These guys basically stole Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis' routine- while they were still doing it!  Fun Fact: Mitchell had an Uncredited Role in a Martin & Lewis Film in the same year that this one came out!  The Film also features Bela Lugosi (who's not actually Credited outside of the Title), white Natives and, yes, that same damn Monkey Suit!  Ugh.  The only way that this could be worse if Mantan Moreland was in this.  He's not.  You probably thought that I was going to say that he was for some sort of ironic effect, right?  Wrong!  To see how this Set ends with (an unfunny) bang, read on...

After a random batch of Animal Stock Footage, we learn that two Comedians were found in the Jungles of...Made-Up Land with White 'Natives.'  They turn out to be Mitchell and Petrillo (playing themselves).

They each end up with a lady, although the one who likes Petrillo is fat.  As such, she deserves no love!  How dare she?!?

They end up working with a local Scientist (Bela) who uses them for random work.  He's not evil!

Petrillo continues to mug and mug as...yeah, this Movie has barely any Plot...Moving on...

In a bit they stole from an Abbott & Costello Film, Mitchell is turned into an Ape.  Mug, damn you!

At a Tribal Gathering, Bela goes to shoot the Ape-Mitchell (Trademark!), but Sammy takes the shot.

Sadly, he's not dead!  He was just having a dream and a stomach ache.  Yea- more Story theft!  They do their Act again and the Film (and their Comedy Career) ends.

Bad.  Bad bad BAD.  Just...just really bad.  That's all there is to it.  It isn't funny.  It isn't exciting.  It isn't scary.  It just sucks.  My God, it sucks.  This is apparently the only Film containing the pair of Mitchell and Petrillo doing their schtick.  Oh darn.  I feel bad for Bela here.  We all know that he didn't have much time left at the time this one was Shot.  Is this the best you could give him?  Sorry, Bela.  Seriously, avoid this one at all costs.  If you won't take my word for it, let's see what Martin & Lewis thought of this one...

Up next, some more Screener action.  With so many out there, who knows what I'll do next.  Stay tuned...

Sons of Kong?: Bride of the Gorilla (1951)

Were you trying to get all experimental on me?  Today's Film is Bride of the Gorilla, the second-to-last Film in the Set (if viewed in Chronological Order, that is).  After so many of these Films, do I get something new?  Well, yes.  Is it actually good though?  Well, no.  This Film has some notable Cast Members, but a slightly-lazy Plot and some iffy execution.  It tells the Story of a Worker who kills his Boss and then marries up 'the food chain.'  His crimes come with a Gypsy-related curse, however, and hijinks ensue.  If that last part sounds like The Wolfman, then you can blame the Director- he also made that Universal Film!  On top of that, Lon Chaney Jr is here too!  Supposedly he was nearly given the Lead, which would have just made the comparison all the more hard to ignore.  Instead of him, you won't believe who the actual Lead is.  To find out (quickly), this one mystery (and others), read on...

This guy doesn't like being treated as a lower-class person just because he works on the Plantation.  He's...Perry Mason?!?

Oh well, at least it isn't Steve Martin.

He's having an affair with the Owner's young Wife, which doesn't sit well with the man (obviously).

The pair have a confrontation, which leads to the Owner dying at the hands of...a non-poisonous Constrictor Snake.  Silly lack of Science.

The Sheriff- Lon Chaney Jr- investigates the case, but finds no evidence of guilt.  Meanwhile, a Gypsy makes a curse...

We interrupt this Story to show you Stock Footage of a sarcastic Leopard...

Burr acts strange and thinks that something is happening to him.  Meanwhile, a mysterious Creature keeps being spotted in the nearby Jungle.

After alot of build-up (and with five minutes left!), the Gorilla finally shows up!  He escapes with the woman, but is shot.

The Gorilla is Burr!  Well, that or he just thinks he was a Gorilla.  It doesn't explain his clothes being torn, but...TWIST!  Maybe!  The End.

What an odd one.  I guess it might seem weird for me to complain about a Film that tries to be different, right?  Well, tough crap.  This one...just didn't work for me.  I get that the Director and Writer were trying to be more vague and experimental.  The problem is that they don't make an interesting enough Film.  It isn't at all awful- it just isn't interesting.  Seeing Burr and Chaney in a Film together is interesting to a certain extent.  As a bonus, a young Tim Conway appears too!  The big problem is that there is no Gorilla sighting until the very end, save for glimpses of the paws.  I get that it is part of the Film's ambiguous ending...but it still kind of sucks.  In lieu of silly stuff like the Ape Suit (still the same one, it seems!), you get exceptionally-grainy Stock Footage of Animals reacting to something just off-camera.  Oh, you tease!  In the End, this one has some good ideas behind it, but just fails in the execution.  If you want more proof, check out this massive hit!

Next up, I wrap up the Sons of Kong set (Thank, Xenu!).  It doesn't go out with a bang, but with some rip-off Actors.  Stay tuned...

Sons of Kong?: White Pongo (1945)

After the awkwardly-bad White Gorilla, can you blame me for waiting a bit?  Regardless, I am determined to finish this Set.  Today's Film is White Pongo, the other White Gorilla-type movie in the Set...that is also from 1945.  After this, there was a sad lack of Films like this- at least until The White Shadow.  The Film is about, well, a White Gorilla.  I don't know why it is called Pongo, so don't ask.  After so many of these things, I don't necessarily have alot to say.  These 'Jungle Peril' Film are just...so similar at this point.  If nothing else, this can't be worse than the last one, so...enjoy, I guess...

Somewhere in the Jungle, there lies a rare, white Gorilla.  No, not the one from the last movie!

Some guy saw it while he escaped from *sigh* some Natives.

These people find him and want to be led to where he saw it.  They want to catch this Gorilla!

So...off they go.  Huzzah and what not.

In a B-Plot, the leading lady starts to take a shine to a guy in the crew and not her fiance-to-be.

They get on the Gorilla's trail and try to catch it!

Oh no!  One of the people in the group is actually a bad guy?!?  Gasp.

Pongo gets his hands on the leading lady.  What a shocking(ly obvious) development!

In the Climax, Pongo and a regular-colored Ape (aka the same damn suit in ALL OF THESE) fight!

The bad guy dies and they catch Pongo.  Hurray for captivity!  The End.

Nothing special.  Nothing terrible.  This is...just another Jungle Peril Film.  If you've only seen one or two of them, it will seem better.  If you're slogging through a Film Set full of them, not so much.  Never mind the whole Genre being taken 'to 11' by stuff like Cannibal Ferox or Jungle Holocaust.  Never mind stuff like Cannibal Holocaust flipping the whole thing on its head either.  Some Films are Classics and age pretty gracefully.  Some of these kinds of Films even do alright.  Other Films are mainly showcases for how this kind of stuff used to be made.  This is one of these Films.  There is just nothing unique here.  Animal Stock Footage, Gorillas and Natives- the usual.  The only big positive I can say- it could have been worse.

Next up, I'll try to get to some Screeners sent my way.  The first one has Maynard's approval, so I should be worried, right?  Stay tuned...

Sons of Kong?: The White Gorilla (1945)

Oh boy- this one is a doozy!  Today's Film is The White Gorilla, a 1945 Ape Film.  This is not to be confused with White Pongo, which is also a 1945 Ape Film.  Yes, there are (at least) two.  Yes, they are both in this Set.  Yes, they were both made the same year.  Well, sort of.  To help explain this one, I need to tell you who Ray 'Crash' Corrigan is.  Basically, if you have ever seen a Film where a guy is in an Ape Suit (like I have- alot!), it is often him.  He is most known as a Stunt/Suit Performer, but also did Act as well.  He's basically the Old-School version of Doug Jones.  He's the Star here, which should tell you something.  So...there's no sugar-coating this one.  This is a big, ugly mess- terrible Alpha Video Release quality aside.  The Plot involves a man retelling his harrowing Tale...but there's a catch.  Since I'm a giant tease, you are going to have to wait.  Read fast, but don't cheat!  To find out this Film's deep, dark secret, read on...

A man (Corrigan) arrives at a Depot and has a harrowing tale to tell of his survival.  Cut to...

Stock Footage!  Seriously, this one is 80-85% Stock Footage from a Film made by the same Director- in 1927!

They put a Silent Film, added in Audio and mixed it in with barely-good Footage to make this crap.  Can you imagine?!?

For once we agree, Mantan.

In this Film's defense (this one time!), they have some new Footage involving the White Ape.  He doesn't fit in with the others.  Oh and he's also played by Corrigan- double duty for 'Crash!'

Three major problems here...

1) The Footage is obviously of lower-quality (since it is a 1927 Silent Serial Film).
2) The Films were Shot at different Speeds!  As such, they speed up the Silent Film- absurdly-so!
3) Even if you bought this, the people are made-up and act like they're from a Silent Film!

I should also mention that since 'Crash' wasn't in that Silent Serial Film, his role in the 'Story' is to be just outside of the events and explain why he didn't act.  Our so-called-Hero!

The Climax involves the two Apes fighting and one winning.  Do you really care who?  The End.

Even with my low standards by now, this one...dear god!  It is just so bad.  So, so bad.  It makes you yearn for some stock Jungle Peril to watch that is at least the right Film Speed!  Did they really think that this would fool anyone?  Did it?  Would anyone admit to seeing this and NOT figuring out the trick?  It is just awful.  It is also lazy.  It is also insulting.  It is also terrible.  On the plus side, I breezed through this one and barely had to stop.  Could I have watched all 60 minutes?  Yes.  Did I?  No.  It took me five minutes (TOPS) to see that something was weird and use IMDB to explain it.  Just...just damn!  This could make for some mild amusement to real Bad Movie Buffs- provided they know what they are getting.  The Story itself involves a Jungle Boy, a White Ape and some terribly-silly Peril, so there is something there.  Going into this without knowing the truth is a rude awakening.  Watch it if you want- just know what you are getting.  As a bonus, watch the Director not Credit the Original Cast by lumping them together as...

Next up, I prepare to watch The Avengers 2 this weekend by looking at work by the Actors.  First up, let's see 'Hawkeye' straight up kill and rape folks!  Stay tuned...

Sons of Kong?: Nabonga (1944)

Back to the Jungle we go!  Today's Film is Nabonga, a 1944 Film about...what you expect at this point.  We've got Explorers.  We've got an Ape.  We've got a Jungle Girl.  Thankfully, we don't have Mantan Moreland or most of the shit that has brought down some of these other Films.  You know what we do have though?  Buster Crabbe!  Flash Gordon, bitches!  He plays an Explorer who's in the right and has to do battle with one that is, well, not so much.  In between, we have a young lady, some lost loot and the titular Gorilla.  This really does have most of what you expect.  Thankfully, the casual 'I can't be offended since it was ''okay'' then' Racism is at a minimum here, as is the Comedy.  I like good Comedy, but it is so rare in this DVD Set so far.  Does it end up being the best so far?  To find out, read on...

A criminal and his daughter's plane crashes in the Jungle.  He kills the Pilot after the fact (when he sees the loot)...

...but gets killed and his daughter left alone in the Jungle.  This isn't a Savage Girl Prequel is it?

Years later, our hero shows up to find out what happened to the people in the Crash.

As a side-note, why do Flash Gordon Actors have to go Brunette to go to the Jungle?  You have Crabbe in this Film and Sam J. Jones in Jane & The Lost Jungle.  Coincidence?

The Plot isn't all that exciting, so here is some Stock Footage.  Kudos for including Hyenas this time.

Our hero finds the girl, but is being followed by the bad guy.  He's after the loot and anything else worth a dime!

This is Nabonga.  Is this the same suit from nearly every Film so far?  It sure looks like it, right?

Flash and the bad guy fight, but things turn against him.  When the bad guy betrays his moll, she decides to free Nabonga to sic on him.

It ends badly for her (off-screen).  Should have thought this one through.

Since Nabonga has the title-role, he offs the bad guy too!  All is well (for the living).  The End.

It's alright.  It's not great.  It's not bad.  It's...just alright.  This really feels like a cheap, Saturday Matinee.  I really can't say that much about it.  Crabbe is good.  The Nabonga suit looks fine (even if it is very familiar by now).  It is kind of funny to see all of the stuff that has to happen off-screen due to standards of the time.  Mind you- I don't want to see people ripped apart by a Gorilla...but that's clearly what is happening after they cut away.  In closing, Nabonga is a fine time-filler...but not much of a Classic.  The most notable thing to me is the lawsuit-worthy logo of PRC Pictures...

Next up, I go slightly-less Old School with a House of horrors!  You're Damned if you do and dead if you don't!  Stay tuned...

Sons of Kong?: The Ape Man (1943)

Another Lugosi Film is far more preferable than another Mantan Moreland Film!  Poor Bela- the man was never bad.  For whatever reason, Universal was just so non-committal with him.  He arguably is the biggest reason for the rise of the company as a Horror Film giant.  His performance as Dracula set everything in motion IMHO, so seeing how they treated him is not kosher.  Is it because he turned down the lead in Frankenstein?  Is that why you did crap like hire him for only Supporting Roles with Karloff (when he could be a lead!), cut all his dialogue from his turn as The Monster in a later Frankenstein Film and just generally mistreated him?  For shame!  That leads into this Film- 1943's The Ape Man.  Instead of Universal, this one is by...Favorite Films Corp.  Ouch.  In this one, Lugosi is a Scientist who is cursed by his own experimentation and must find a way to cure himself.  The solution: killing people alongside an Ape.  That's what happened to Marie Curie too, right?  This one is pretty schlocky, but nowhere near as bad as other stuff you'll see here.  How does it fare overall?  To find out, read on...

In a Newspaper-style Exposition Dump, we learn that Lugosi has vanished...strangely.

As for me, I want to know what the results of that 'Job Survey' were.  Were they good?

The other Doctor brings Brewster's wife to his home and she sees...Ape-Man Lugosi.  Ouch.

To keep the Story going, we have two Reporters.  In a dated bit, the guy has to explain that he's not a 4-H and has permission to stay stateside during the War.  Okay.

After hiding from the Reporters, Lugosi escapes.  You see, he needs something to make his cure: spinal fluid.  According to this Film, taking it would kill someone.

Okay- either Medical Science has advanced GREATLY since 1943 or they didn't know shit!

As a side-effect of his Altered States-like transformation, Lugosi now controls this Ape to help him.

They kill enough random people to get the stuff, but the other Doctor smashes the vial...and pays!

In traditional fashion, it ends up that Lugosi has captured the lady Reporter to harvest her spine!

However, a struggle occurs between him, the Ape and the Police that finally arrive.  Bad guys die.

Before you go, here's the actual final shot of the Film though.  Neat.  The End.

Silly, cheesy and...not that bad, really.  There are some obviously-dated aspects of the thing, but they don't take away from the Film.  It is just nice to see one of these that is neither in the Jungle (with 'Natives') or 'old-timey Racism.'  This one is just about a Mad Scientist, a transformation and an Ape.  Nice, wholesome fun.  Good stuff.  Mind you, it is not that great of an actual Film, but it is what it is.  Lugosi embraces the role and really just goes for it.  He makes this work, even if the Story is complete bull.  The old-timey banter between the two Reporters is fun too.  Is it shallow?  Yes.  There are a bunch of silly, little things here that make it extra fun.  The fact that they have to disguise the sounds of an Ape being whipped in the basement- good.  The fact that they try to cover it by claiming it is a recording of a ghost- great.  The fact that Lugosi somehow has a close-circuit TV view of the door- excellent.  This is a great example of what fun, schlocky Movies of the day were like.  You'd go to the Theater every day and pay a penny to watch this kind of thing (plus the War Update and the Cartoon).  Quality-wise it isn't that great...but who cares?  I sure don't.

Next up, I jump to the future- in more ways than one.  At Maynard's request, I review a Film he likes- will I though?  Stay tuned...