(Delayed) Adrian Paul Week: Alien Tracker

Alien languages are easy to decipher than this mess of a film!  Today's film is Alien Tracker, a movie that I meant to do last month.  Shit happens, so here it is now.  (Alien) Tracker was a show.  It was made in Canada.  After 22 episodes, it was cancelled.  Some genius in Marketing said 'Chop three episodes together and call it a movie!'  Here's the thing: they did a shit job of it.  It's not like I haven't seen the Backdoor Pilot-turned-film idea before, be it The Immortal or Bates Motel.  I even own a film called Sting of the Black Scorpion, which is really just three episodes of the Showtime (I think) series randomly-chosen.  That film doesn't pretend to have structure.  Neither did Darkest Knight 1, 2 or 3, which are similar compilations.  The stories start and stop- stupid, but simple.  This film is somewhat in-between, trying to keep a structure while also being three episodes put together.  They utterly fail at this.  I'll get into more detail as to how in the actual review.  All you need to know is that Paul is an alien (in a human body- thanks, budget) that hunts alien criminals (also in human bodies) down to put them back in space jail.  To see how badly they can botch this, read on...

After a silly intro in which The-Entertainer-Formerly-Known-As-Chyna kills a guy in the same way that Derek Zoolander's Male Model friends died, we see an alien narrate about his arrival. 

In true Critters fashion, it scans a billboard...in a Corn Field and we get Adrian Paul...Underwear Model Alien (and not the master of running).

He ends up with this lady who is way too accepting of the situation & he tells her about his mission to capture aliens. 

One awkward Edit later and he's in mid-car chase with Not Chyna.  They have a silly fight scene and he kills 'her.'  That was ten minutes well-spent!

Due to some more wonkey Editing, our heroine flees the fight with Geraint Wyn Davies, only to re-appear in the same place seconds later.  Shockingly, the guy who's almost always evil is evil. 

He's the mastermind behind the body-stealing plan & just leaves Paul alive when he could easily kill him.  He am smart!

Furthering the confusion, we get a '6 Months Later' card.  This skips over important plot points with Paul getting settled in and starts us right in on a plot involving the capture of one of the prisoners by the eeevil U.S. government.

In the middle of all of this, we get a Sub-Plot involving our heroine and her friend looking through her Grandmother's diary.  In the show, this might be important.  In the film, it means nothing.  Why.  Is.  This.  Here?!?

After Paul escapes, the idea of the recurring villain in Evil Government Guy is shot down by his character being re-assigned by his paid-off General boss. 

In more lovely Editing, we go from him being paid off by Davies (how?  Who knows?) to suddenly hiring him to resurrect the alien fugitive killed in the Government Facility.  Thanks for that.

I didn't even bother with the 'Third Act.'  Why?  Because they suddenly introduce this guy who works at the Bar and knows that Paul is an Alien.  This was meant to make sense, right?  The End.

I want to hire a guy who can find the logical flow of this story!  I don't mean to always sound angry about shitty movies, but I can't help it here.  This is a decent-enough-looking show that is Edited into shit to make it a cash-in movie.  If you liked the show, you'd be annoyed by the awkward cutting and decisions over what to keep itn.  Important scenes happen in random order, they usually end quick and the stupid scenes (like the Diary part) have no pay-off.  Seriously, what is the pay-off there?  There's a super-tiny part in which she finds a metal pyramid amongst the stuff, but there's no mention of it being important.  In next episode...I mean, part of the story, we see a similarly-shaped object displayed on Paul's computer.  So, yeah, what was the point of all of this?  They never explain.  You took time to leave in a random scene like that, but don't how how this new character who appears an hour in works at the Bar, knows our heroine and knows that Paul is an Alien?  Priorities, people!  In another awkward Edit, Davies tells a fellow Alien that Paul has 'captured 20 of us already.'  The movie shows us TWO- nowhere near twenty!  Show, don't tell!  It's not like this was probably a great show, but I can't imagine that it was worse without the film Edits.  If you like the show, watch the show.  If you like movies, watch just about anything else.  Nice Cube reference, 'movie!'

Next up, a film about zombies that I've nearly reviewed four/five times.  No longer with this uncreatively-titled film go un-reviewed!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Trilogy of Terror II

The original Trilogy of Terror is a pretty well-respected horror anthology film from the 1975 starring Karen Black.  Trilogy of Terror II is a fairly-obscure horror anthology film made for television in 1996 starring Lysette Anthony.  

The whole 'sequel' aspect of the film is a bit vague, since all of the original film's stories ended badly, not exactly setting up a 'what has happened since' atmosphere.  What is this movie really?  It's a trilogy of horror tales that are unrelated, save for sharing the same actress in all three.  As a bonus, the last story brings back the Zuni Doll from the first film for another round of murder.  

One of the tales- the middle one called 'Bobby'- is based on a Richard Matheson short story, which is a nice touch too.  

Besides the title and the vaguely-similar formula, is this really a sequel?  No.  Is it good?  Find out in my review of...

The first tale is called 'The Graveyard Rats.'  Holy Bob Geldof, Batman!  The film begins with a jerk of an old man taunting his current-wife by showing her a sex tape of her and another guy.  He taunts her some more by saying that he will cut her out of his will if she cheats again & he'll release the tape if she leaves him.  Naturally, she leaves him and goes right to her man (Geraint Wyn Davies).  You're not bright, are you honey?  

He comes up with the idea of killing the man, which makes her nervous.  Look for that to change though.  Their scheme is a bit dramatic, but it works.  They go out to the country to bury him, although they run into the undertaker (not the wrestler) who warns them about the presence of rats near the crypt designated for burial.  They ignore him and do it anyways.  

The next day, the woman learns that the company's assets have been liquidated & all of the money is in a series of Swiss bank accounts.  The problem: the codes are hidden.  The duo figure that they must be hidden in the man's watch, so they go to dig him up.  They find the undertaker trying to rob the grave, so they kill him.  When they find the codes, the woman kills Davies.  The body gets dragged away by some rat puppets...er, I mean rats and she fights back.  

After a struggle, she flees through the tunnel, but ends up in the wrong grave.  Sucks to be you.

The second tale is named 'Bobby' and is hopefully less depressing than Bobby's World!  Anyhow, this involves a woman (Lysette Anthony in a bad wig) putting up a pentagram and bringing her dead son back to life.  Oddly, she's in her ocean-side house all alone, despite referencing a husband later.  

The kid comes back and, at first, takes the whole thing in stride.  He begins to ask questions, however, and decides that he wants to play Hide & Seek.  This turns dark when he throws a block at the mother & starts to talk all evil and such.  It comes across as a bit silly since the kid can't act that well, but I'll give them points for trying.  

There is a pretty interesting bit where he pretends to be the husband while on the phone.  He chases her around for a bit, smashes some stuff up and continues to talk all evil.  Eventually, he corners her, and she shoots him.  She feels bad about it but feels even worse when he shoves her down the stairs.  

By the way, we're two-for-two on people being shoved downstairs in these tales.  He explains that Billy didn't come back but sent him instead.  We get a freaky monster mask shot and the tale ends.  Poor Ms. Anthony.

The final tale involves the return of the Zuni Fetish Doll, which makes for some awkward credits involving a story credit for the first film, a character credit and a new writer.  The doll was found at the scene of a double murder and was brought to a lab to be studied.  Oddly, they bring it to a history museum instead of, you know, a police lab.  

After the woman scientist (Lysette, of course) scrapes a bunch of the ashes off, she leaves the room to go have pizza with the two guards.  Nice shout-out to Dark Shadows with one of the guards reading a comic book of it, by the way.  When she comes back, the doll is missing and the scientist suspects that it's the same killer from the first scene that took it.  Well, she's partly-right.  The one guard stalks the creature and, because we got a minor bit of pathos set-up, has the longest build up to death.  Eventually, the Doll bites the hand off of an Indian statue, causing it to fire the nocked bow on the display.  That's Final Destination territory, movie!  

It kills the other guard off-camera and chases our heroine around.  Despite being an efficient killer, it just stabs her a lot and doesn't kill her.  

This goes on for roughly ten minutes before she dunks it in some conveniently placed acid.  She goes to check on it...for some reason and gets possessed by it...or something.  

Either way, she has razor teeth and kills a guy.  The End.

This is much better than I thought it would be, honestly.  Mind you, I thought that it would be a really lame cash-in film that featured tired clichés and no scares.  While there are some clichés, the whole thing works pretty well.  

It would have been nice to have some sort of framing device, but I guess that's too much to ask.  I do have to ask why they would have the second tale, given that it is the same story as Sometimes...They Come Back.  Mind you, it's based on a Matheson tale, but the film was much more recent to this one's release.  The first tale is also pretty similar to George A. Romero's tale from Two Evil Eyes, a film made six years earlier.  The final part is a nice bit of fan service to the first film, even if it is a bit silly.  

The effects work in the film is decent, although the rat puppets are a bit obvious.  If you're not the biggest horror fan in the world or as jaded as I am, a lot of these decent tales will seem quite impressive.  For long-time horror fans, this is good, but will not replace the original to any of you. 

 If you can find it somewhere cheap, I'd actually recommend it.  Just don't go too far out of your way.

Up next, Blockbuster Trash brings you another Asylum film.  Well, at least this doesn't star shitty rappers...oh crap!  Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Robocop- Crash and Burn

How much Robocop is too much Robocop?  Well, we're in the final stretch of the Robocop: Prime Directives miniseries so let's wrap this up...

* To recap, evil Dr. Kaydick (pronounce it slowly to get the pun) is going to unleash a terrible computer virus into SAINT, the program that will soon automate the city.
* Robocop's former partner has been turned into a Robocop himself and is forcibly-working for Kaydick.
* His adult son has finally learned about his dad's identity/fate and is going to help them stop the bad guy.  Phew.

The story starts out slow with people standing around and talking about what they're going to do.  After about ten minutes, all hell breaks loose and there's really no major respite for the next 80 minutes.  Hey guys, ever hear about pacing?

One odd bit involves some comedy.  It features a janitor fixing up OCP's glass doors and complaining about how people keep breaking them (see all three previous parts).  What's the pay-off?  You guessed it...

Inside the building, Robocable and Kadick (with the daughter/virus host in tow) go one way, while Robocop, the hacker lady and the son go another.  They share the same destination: OCP's top floor and the home of SAINT.

*

Another odd bit involves Robocop's talk about not killing.  His method: crashing cars and shooting cops in the kneecaps.  How long before that rule is broken by the lady?  About three minutes into the interior fight scene.  Oh well.

Kaydick/Cable find the former Mrs. Cable and drag her along to open the doors.  Likewise, our heroes grab the corrupt President of OCP (after he killed the Executive Board) to do the same.  The trip is rough, especially when Mrs. Cable decides to badmouth her now-cyborg ex-husband.  Does Robocable have to choke a bitch?

Finally, at the top, lots of action goes down.  OCP security have a shoot-out with Robocable, but Robocop intervenes.  How do they pay him back?  By blowing them both up with a grenade.  They eventually get up and fight some more.  It's a race to get to the top before SAINT is in control of the city.  Get out your stopwatches!

Ultimately, Kaydick gets the virus (it's called LEGION, by the way- ha ha) uploaded, but gets defeated by his former wife (aka hacker lady).  Something weird goes down and they both get digitized away.  Why?  I'm honestly not sure.  Down at floor level, the OCP President gets hurt and ends up in the lobby.  He tries to drag himself away from the automated lasers, but...

Damn!  It hurts even worse when he realizes what happened!

Yeah, he dies.  Is anybody really crying about this?  Nah.  Robocable seemingly-kills Robocop before they set off the EMP bomb from Part 3 (serious Chekhov's Gun action here!).  Robocop survives however and is left with a programmed message from Cable.  Apparently, he shut off his buddy, which made the EMP not destroy his circuits.  Um, does it work that way?

With the day saved, Robocop walks off into the sunset...to not do anything for the last ten years since they made this.

Is this a good miniseries?  Well, yes and no.  It definitely could be trimmed down a bit, but certain things are accepted when you're talking about stuff like this.  I wish they could have kept a little continuity with the casting here (this is, after all, the FOURTH actor to play Alex Murphy/Robocop).  Apparently, they tried to get the guy from the 1994 show, but something got in the way.  One thing to note: this thing randomly features shocking and dramatic death.  There's no build-up; it just happens.  Recall the guy split by lasers in Part 2?  It makes things interesting, but is still pretty damn weird.  You can track this whole thing down on Netflix or in a video store...assuming you still have any around you.  If you like the character, it's worth seeing.  If not, you may not make it through the whole thing.

Up next, I take a look at a syndicated action show that tries to be X-Men...on a tv budget.  This should be interesting.  Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Robocop- Resurrection

We're getting into the home-stretch here and the plot is not getting any simpler.  For those who need a recap, here's one...

* OCP controls the city and a (more) corrupt executive has taken over by killing the board.  He is planning to introduce the SAINT program to control every building in the city.  Robocop's old partner was killed in a battle between Robocop and a crazed, gun-wielding thug named Bone Machine.  He was brought back to life as a second Robocop & battles our hero.  They join forces, however, and fight back against OCP.

Our story picks up right there as Robocop is injured, requiring Robocable (that's his name) to go into a five minute fight scene.  He blasts a lot of cops, but they are wearing entire suits made out of kevlar (pretty much) and just get knocked down.  The tech thieves take Robocop to their lair and, upon his return, Robocable is defeated with...sledgehammers.  An Evil Dead effect shows up and scares them away, however, and reveals himself to be...that guy from every syndicated sci-fi show you've ever seen.

The man reveals himself to be a former scientist for OCP who went a bit crazy.  He re-programs Robocable to fight for him.  Meanwhile, the women restore Robocop to prime operation condition since he saved the lead woman's daughter.  Over at OCP, the new CEO is a bit crazy and puts SAINT into operation, even as it kills a window washer by accident.  Eventually, they find where Robocop is and send their troops to attack.  When they get there, the bad guy shows up as well, running down one of the cops in his de-stealthed truck.  Ouch.

This leads to a big battle between Robocop (plus two of the women) and the cops.  The blond bad guy kidnaps the little girl from Part 2 since *gasp* he's her father.  He steals her away during the fight because she's...a robot or something.  It's odd, okay.  How do the other women do?  They get shot and die.  Oh yeah, I should also mention the brief showdown between Robocop and Robocable.  The latter fires two shots at the woman and Robocop intercepts the bullets with one of his own.  See for yourself...

*

*

Yeah, that makes sense.  Anyhow, the cops get defeated and Robocable gets revenge on the cop from Tekwar by blowing his hand off and smashing his head in with a hammer.  The evil man tries to use some data hidden in his daughter to make some sort of EMP attack, but is stopped by the woman.  The only one left around is Jason Murphy, who has a bit of breakdown when he learns about his dad's existence as Robocop.  He manages to talk his son down from detonating an EMP bomb, but OCP ends up thinking that our hero is dead.  To be continued...

This is a definite improvement over Part 2's obsession with flashbacks and weird plot continuations.  This has a lot more action, if even the plot gets kind of freaky.  It's what the miniseries has been building up to and makes me optimistic for Part 4.

Up next, Part 4 and the conclusion.  Who will live?  Who will die?  Who will get the 'Lucas treatment' this time?  Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Robocop- Meltdown

We're back with the delayed Part 2 of the series.  For those new readers, here is what you need to know:

* It's 10 years later and Robocop is considered obsolete.
* OCP has become a mainstream company that bought out the police.
* A whole slew of complex relationships are here, including Robocop's son being an executive at OCP & his former partner being the ex-husband of another OCP executive.
* At the end of the episode, Robocop's friend has died, but has been taken into the Robocop program himself!

Now, on to the action...

* A group of female cyber-thieves break into OCP to steal some files.  The cops bust in, so the women turn on the company security.  This leads to a man being cut in half by lasers.  This part is looking up now!

* Robocop beats up the women, but loses in the end.  This is part of the whole 'Robocop is not advanced enough' storyline.  This is not aided by the new Robocop (aka Robo-Cable) being sent to hassle the head of OCP, leading him to be an outlaw.

* All of this leads to a face-off between Robocop and Robo-Cable which...well, does not end well for our hero.

* This pushes our hero underground and away from what he feels comfortable.  Meanwhile, the program to computer control the OCP building- as the start of a citywide program- keeps going.

* After a disastrous second battle, our hero manages to turn Robo-Cable to his side by accessing his remaining memories.  They become buddies and shoot up the corrupt police officers.  Don't worry- they're wearing vests.  Oh yeah, the lead officer is played by the partner from the Tekwar series.

* All is not well, however, as the corrupt executive at OCP (well, the one they focus on) kills all of the CEOs in their office.  Dun dun dun!

Up next, the series continues.  Who will live?  Who will die?  Stay tuned...

Syndicated Incorporated: Robocop- Dark Justice

This is going to be a unique entry in my fairly-new update series: a four-part one.  You see, in the year 2000, those wacky Canadians made a mini-series called Robocop: Prime Directives.  Over in the states, this was released on DVD as four separate movies.  Wait- there's four of them and four segments.  I wonder...

This first part introduces us to the situation we are in.  10 years have gone by since the last movie and Detroit was enjoying a bit of peace.  Unfortunately, crime has made a big comeback, mostly in part to a man/machine known as Bone Machine.  Our hero is still about, although his technology has not been improved in quite a while.  This is due to the company that made him being a weapons manufacturer that prefers to have its own bought-out police force.  That can't be good, can it?

A lot of the film is built around setting up the intertwined relationships of the cast.  See if you can follow this...

*John Cable is the ex-partner of Alex Murphy (aka Robocop) and the ex-husband of...
*Sara Cable, a CEO at the company and new 'friend' of....
*Jason Murphy, the son of Alex Murphy and newest executive of the company.

What are the odds of any of this ever happening?  About 1,000,000 to one, but...whatever. 

The actual story is decent- although it is plagued by a litany of flashbacks setting up the Murphy/Cable relationship- and moves at a steady pace.  Given the budget, the thing is built around two big action sequences: one at the beginning and one at the end.  There is a minor mystery with the reveal of who Bone Machine is, but that is a secondary element to it all.  Ultimately, the whole thing ends with a major character being killed, but with a teaser of thing coming back as a second Robocop.  Color me curious.

Overall, a decent effort to bring a sci-fi action film to a syndicated television environment.  If you can get past the fact that our lead is clearly not Peter Weller in all of the flashbacks, you can have a good time.  Does it top the original two films?  No.  Does it top the last film?  By far.

Part 2 is coming down the pipe soon enough.  All I can tell you is this: Meltdown.  Stay tuned...