Monday, August 10, 2009

WTF China?!?: Eternal Evil of Asia

*Somehow, this is my most viewed post on the website.  As such, I feel that it needs a little bit of a touch-up*

Sometimes, even I am amazed by what I see on screen. Quite frankly, if I was too jaded, I would not even bother with movies. Fortunately, there are strange films lurking everywhere, sort of like Anglerfish on the bottom of the ocean. You can't see them for a long time, but, when you do, you take notice. Good or bad, movies like Blood Freak and Duel to the Death keep me interested in finding out what else I have missed. Such is the case with today's film, a fairly obscure import film with a very strange plot. This is not the first time that a film like this has showed up and sure won't be the last. This is...
Our film begins with a weird and superfluous prologue explaining that magic is real and that magicians are dicks. This is evident when they show them resurrecting dead babies as Grudge-looking zombies. The movie also says- seriously- that 'kid zombies are still kids and like to watch movie.' Yeah, that subtitling is a bit off. Oh and don't ever take a zombie kid to the bathroom. Well, ready for the actual plot now?
A man comes home from work and is not having a good time. He complains about his son eating badly and his wife letting him get away with it. On top of that, his parents have recently died and he is worried about them coming back as zombies, as lore says they might. Thanks the ministrations of a mysterious man, they appear to do just that. The whole scene escalates to the point where he lashes out with an axe and tries to kill them...more, I guess. Unfortunately, this appears to be an illusion and he has accidentally killed his family. Ruh roh, Shaggy! Another hallucination later and he dives off of the roof and is impaled by strobe lights. We cut to three men upset about this and talking vaguely about what may have inspired this. And now for something completely different.
We cut to a hair salon where we get some cryptic foreshadowing. One Thai woman asks the lead woman to keep all of her hair in a bag for her. She explains that this is out of fear of it being used in a spell. This woman is then lectured by her friends about sex. Yeah, this movie is not really work-safe, by the way. This goes on for a while and in great detail. It also has nothing to do with the film, save for setting up a bit where the villain makes one of the three men temporarily impotent before a night with his fiancee (the lady barber). This movie really does have no boundaries! The next day, the woman is about to give some lady a haircut when she suddenly sends a fireball flying across the room! What the hell?!? She explains that a ghost was following the woman and that she scared it away. Oh, that...makes...sense. She pushes our heroine to find out what happened in Thailand on a trip. When I tell you, you still won't believe me.
Our four heroes get chased out of a corrupt bar by ax-wielding bouncers- not the weird part- and end up lost in the woods. They stumble upon a wizard's house, but right before he is about to battle another wizard. Oh and one of them calls the guy a 'dickhead' and is summarily transformed to match his insult
No, really. The wizards he battles are a couple that flies and shoots sparks while having sex. After helping the wizard, our heroes are repaid. They meet his sister, who falls for our lead character. The wizard is trying to keep her secluded because of a vision of her death in this year, but agrees to make her a love potion to use on the guy. This involves sweat from her body, which is gathered while she gyrates front of her brother. The spell backfires and gets the other three instead. This leads to...exactly what you think it does. In the morning, the girl freaks out to see three men in her bed and attacks. In the ensuing chaos, she falls backwards onto a knife. Thus the revenge scheme is set.
I assure you that everything I said is 100% true. See it for yourself if you doubt me.
A wizard's revenge is dark and mean. One men is put under a hex that forces him to eat everything, including human flesh. He dies after eating a whole woman (not shown in full) and most of his own arm. The third man initially escapes the vengeance by way of a magical protective shell (don't ask). He is tricked out of it, however, by an illusion of his sister (the barber) being raped and left to burn alive. Despite being told to ignore the illusions, he goes out and gets filled with more pins than a famous Clive Barker character. It only gets worse from here. Since he felt that the three men raped his sister (not exactly the truth), he decides that he wants the last man's fiancee (the barber). So, naturally, he covers himself in human blood and approaches her in ghost/Predator form. After attacking the man's prone body, he convinces the woman to do anything he asks. This leads to one of the freakiest things I have ever seen in my life. The movie cuts between him standing naked in a room covered in blood and the woman having pantomime sex with him. Yeah, that's enough movie for me.
No, I did not watch the full ending. You can see why.
Who the hell thought up this movie?!?  It is chock full of gore effects, nudity and a nonsensical story. Wizards, rape and magical cannibalism- oh my! I was in awe of this movie's sheer insanity and constant craziness.  When the most normal part of the film involves a woman explaining how to handle a man's junk, you know that you are in for something peculiar!  The effects are actually quite good and are not as dated as you might think.  If you are extremely open-minded and are not scared off by lots of random nudity, I recommend this.  For better or for worse, it is really f@^#ing strange.
How do I follow up a movie like this? With Jack Palance and Martin Landau as killer mental patients. Yeah, that will work. Stay tuned...

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