Project Terrible: Breeders (1997)

I'd do my original pick, but I'm sadly not fluent in Russian.  Since I couldn't find an easily-available copy of Michele's choice (Crimson Force), I'm doing this back-up pick.  In a way, it is kind of fitting.  Today's Film is Breeders, specifically the 1997 Version of the Film.  I say that since this is apparently a Remake of a 1987 Film by the man who brought us Mutant Hunt and The Occultist.  You may get that one later, Michele.  So why is this one fitting?  Well, it is by the same man who made Grim.  On the plus side, this one has a 2.7 on IMDB, so it must be better.  Right?  The Plot involves an Alien Monster, some mutating and many explosions.  This should be something.  Given the Film's pedigree, you shouldn't expect anything great.  Will it end up being Terrible though?  To find out, read on...

A Meteor strikes the Earth, freeing some sort of creature and a scarred woman.  It ends up under a College Campus in Boston.  What are the odds?!?

This unnamed creature now lurks in the area.  It kills people when they get near the scarred lady.

Meanwhile, the Character Plot takes place.  It is just Teacher meets (and bones) Student.  That's it.

While setting up the main part of the Story- the creature killing and collecting in the Sewer-, the Film indulges in some shameless T&A.

Seriously, Roger Corman would even be like 'Hey- you don't need to show everything!'

To make a long story short, the creature kills a bunch of Cops, turns some co-eds into mutants (to create its spawn) and our Final Couple must save the scarred woman.

Unfortunately, our Final Girl is targeted as the new holder of its eggs (which is apparently different from being pregnant).  Our Hero takes out the monster with some shotgun shells filled with alien deus ex machina crystals and an explosion.

As they celebrate, more Meteors appear to strike the Earth.  Hurray for dark endings!

It was slightly-less Terrible than the other one.  Low bar- I know.  This time, the Monster/Suit looks cooler and you get to see it more often.  Since it is an entirely-Practical Effects Creature, there are shots that they have to play with a little to keep the illusion.  Either way, Practical Effects!  Mind you, I know that this would have had CG in it if it was made like 2 years later and had a bigger Budget.  One thing I will say against the Film is that it commits one of my many Movie Sins- a lying Title.  Breeders?  There's only one Alien.  I guess you could say that the mutated co-eds were the Title Characters, but...come on now!  Like Elves, there is just one creature.  Boo.  One thing that also stands out is how similar this feels to Grim.  Instead of a mythical Creature, it is an Alien.  Instead of a Cave System under a Housing Development, it is the Sewers under a Campus.  Other than that, it feels really, really similar.  This may not be Paul Matthews' fault (if he had no say in the Story), but it is hard to miss.  This is not an especially well-made or interesting Film.  I found myself wondering when they were going to explain the Creature's origin and then BAM they just dump all the info at once at about the forty-five minute mark.  Build-up- what's that?!?  This one is generic and it is bad, but the Suit Design and silly Story keep it from being Terrible.  Now as for the original, who knows...

Next up, I switch gears for a bit to cover an obscure Action Film I finally saw.  Before he got an Oscar, our Lead was in so-so Action fare like this.  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Grim (1995)

Alright, let's begin this Round right.  Let's see what kind of Monster I'll take on first...

This...is not that great.  It has a 1.9 Rating on IMDB, so clearly I'm not alone in this opinion.  Today's Film is Grim, a 1995 Film that is not about The Brothers and isn't an NBC Show.  Sorry, all 5 people that still watch Grimm.  From the Director of Breeders and Berserker: Hell's Warrior, you get...a pretty disappointing Film.  A mysterious creature is awakened by accident and causes all sorts of chaos.  Can a group of nobodies break into its cave lair and put a stop to it.  I sure hope so!  How many Monster Movies feature Sink Holes as a Plot Point?  The real question- is this Terrible?  It isn't good, that's for sure.  To find out the answer, read on...

After some pointlessly-floating Credits (someone just found Adobe!), some people with a giant Wishboard unleash Grim.  Why?  Who knows or cares?

A bit later, the creature starts out his plan by kidnapping some lady and walking through a magic wall.  Alright.

The Cave he's lurking in is much more active and expansive now that he's active again.  As such, the Neighborhood Houses underneath it are beginning to sink.

Since The Descent hadn't been made yet, they let Men go spelunking too.

All but two of them are unaware of Grim's presence, so things don't exactly work out too well.  When he's not lurking or attacking, our heroes are just bickering.  Yea.

One of them is captured and brought to Grim's lair- the same one where he keeps the lady from the Post-Credits bit.  She's kind of crazy now.

In addition to being ugly as hell, Grim can also possess people.  I know what you're thinking, but he's not Cyclops.  Sorry.

Grim plans to sacrifice this lady for reasons that I can't be bothered to remember, but our heroes put the kibosh on that!

To cut a long Film short, they defeat Grim and make it back.  However, the Final Girl/Woman suddenly remembers that they didn't rescue the crazy lady.

Kind of a dark, random note Film.  The End.

Not good.  Not good at all.  Is that a surprise?  I just wrote about the Worst Directors of All-Time and now I'm dealing with a Paul Matthews Film.  Don't get me wrong- he's not THAT bad.  At worst, his Films are just awful.  In this case, the Film has a neat monster, but not much else going for it.  If you are one of those guys that don't like the design (like the guy who said he looks like an evil Muppet), then there is nothing there for you.  The Writing isn't that good.  The Acting is okay, but not great.  The Atmosphere is pretty lacking.  It manages to be lit at all times by torches- even though Grim sees in the dark- but also lit dimly-enough to obscure the Practical Effects.  Yea- the worst of both worlds!  This one feels like someone saw Rawhead Rex and said 'Do that...but don't spend too much.'  If they don't care, then I don't either.  I'll leave you with an Alternate Cover to another Matthews Film that shows how little of a shit they give for mixing up his Film Covers...

Next up, I get to see a combination Art House Film and Alien Invasion Film.  This should be loads of fun.  Stay tuned...

Reader Request: Berserker- Hell's Warrior

Strange things happen when you take control from me.  

As a thought experiment, I let my roommate pick a random film from my Instant Queue that he wanted me to watch/review.  

He chose Berserker: Hell's Warrior, since, well, it has weird cover art.  

I've watched movies for dumber reasons, so why not?!?  

So, what is this odd-looking film that has lingered about my Queue for a couple of months?  It's a tale of Vikings, so that could be timely for me.  

Hey people who watch Vikings- I have a website.  

While I wait for a flurry of new readers, I'll explain more.  The film is entrenched in Viking lore.  I mean, look at that Longboat below!  

In all seriousness, this film gets a little weird as the First Act ends.  Plus, it stars Craig Sheffer aka one of those guys who keeps showing up in my movies every 8 months or so.  

What is it about him that makes his weird film choices sync up so well with my weird film choices to watch?  

To find out just how odd this little film can get, read on...

A group of Vikings seeks an ally that is a bit unorthodox.  

The Leader's son is his Second-in-Command, while his other son is...

...the titular Berserker- Sheffer.  

He agrees to help form a major army to conquer the world for the Vikings...in exchange for his brother's soul.

The father betrays his Berserker son, however, and tries to kill him.  

The brother calls on Odin, but the All-Father is thwarted by a Witch biting the good son.  As my friend said, 'Why are there Vampires?'

After that, we jump to...the present.  Why does this feel familiar?

Oh right- Warrior from the past.  

Flashbacks to his past.  

Sword fight against an evil guy from his past.  

This is Highlander!

You want to be lazy and rip-off Highlander, movie?  

If you're going to be that way, I'll be lazy too.  Here's the Blu-Ray box art from, let's just call it Asia...

Here's some more Foreign box art.  

Wow, this is easy!

Let's wrap things up with some German DVD art.  

It all ends with a sword fight (gasp!) and a weird twist ending that amounts to very little.  

The End.

There's not much to see here, honestly.  

In 2005, we got the last of the Highlander films (until the inevitable Remake starring Zac Efron *shiver*).  

In 2004, we got this bizarre rip-off with Vikings.  I always thought that Highlander was missing Vikings.  

Oh, and in case Vikings do show up in the TV Series, I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid, so I couldn't possibly know that.  Thanks in advance.  

So yeah, this is a pretty basic rip-off, just with a bit more mysticism- thanks, Odin- and a change of locales.  It lacks a lot of the interesting intangibles that the good Highlander films had, especially Lambert.  

If they could have gotten Lambert in place of...whoever the lead was here, I might have cared a bit more.  The film is not bad.  The film is not that good.  

The film is some sort of middle ground between the two things.  

I think it is best summed by this Lambert expression (which I can't actually sum up) ...

Next up, Project Terrible starts with an absolute (not Absolut) piece of shit.  It has Meat, Weed and some guy's dick.  Stay tuned...