Tubi Thursday: The Lift (1983)

 Are you afraid of Stairs?
Do Elevators act as your Sanctuary for those large, jagged objects?

If so, don't watch this Dutch Horror Film...

In a fancy Building, people go up and down in the Elevator.

What could go wrong?

Oh right- the Elevator is killing people.

Just sometimes though.

What- like you don't take a break between your murders?

An Elevator Inspector is killed in as the incidents occur, but nobody seems to put into thought into what is happening besides him.

It's basically one of those Guy Gets Too Close to a Story Arcs...but with a killer Elevator.

A Reporter is also on the case, leading to a Dramatic Subplot where the Wife thinks that he's having an affair.  

He tells her that she's wrong...but never tries explaining it in depth.

Oh well- enjoy that divorce.

Eventually (after a few more deaths), he finally breaks into the Building, avoids the danger of being in the Elevator (making everyone else look kind of dumb) and discovers the secret of it.

It's...

Alive.

Kind of.

A random friend of the Reporter tells a bizarre story about microchips made from living tissue that began to self-replicate.

So, naturally, that's literally what was going on.

How convenient!

He seemingly-defeats it when the guy behind it shows up.

The Elevator has One Last Gasp and kills him...so our Heroes just kind of leave.

If you want to know how they explain this, too bad- the Film is over.

A silly-sounding Film that treats things very seriously.  Does it work?  I mean, I'm still joking about the whole Killer Elevator things, so 'no.'  

The idea that an innocuous device like an Elevator can kill you is a plausible one.  They don't have it make evil faces or talk.  I guess you can argue that it could happen.  That said, the explanation of why all of the kills happening is just plain silly.  Living microchips- why not question it?  The way we get the explanation- a guy in the 3rd Act just exposition dumping the idea- is also kind of silly.  

On top of that, they just randomly show us the 2 guys behind it all going 'I feel bad about this' and then one of them just showing up (to be killed).  Why do it organically and let people solve the mystery when we can just say it at the end like everyone should have known it?  Ugh.  The Elevator kill Scenes (and the tease bits) are pretty good.  

Sadly, they don't make up nearly enough of the Film to make things work.

  I can only hope that Mr. Maas did a better job with the 2001 Remake (which apparently exists).  Just remember that THIS is not that Remake...

Next week, another Film on the Service that was added at some point in the last year.  I don't even remember adding half of these, so it's a fun surprise for both of us!

Import/Export: Dick Maas' Uncaged/Prey (2016)

 A Film that comes from the Netherlands, makes it big in China and then shows up in America.  What could this be?

If you are a Chinese-Native Reader of the site, first, welcome.  Secondly, you'll know the Film as 2019's ‘Violent Fierce Lion.’

Despite not being a hit anywhere else, it made lots of Yuan in China!

In (not New, but Old) Amsterdam, a Cameraman and a Zoo Biologist/Veterinarian are in a rocky relationship.

Well, danger can bring you together!

Said danger comes in the form of an escaped Lion, that proceeds to kill a number of people.

Since this is not an American Film, kids actually die (off-screen, mind you).

 
Just a heads up.

The deaths continue as the Police don't do nearly enough to stop it.

There's some Social Commentary about how the Press don't believe it.

That sure does nothing to help this poor guy.

Said Lion is a mix of (mostly bad) CGI and (pretty unrealistic-looking) prosthetics/animatronics.

I'm glad that you get to see the beast...but I wish it looked better.

Can our intrepid Heroes stop the Lion?  Will they somehow keep shooting it to no effect?

Did I somehow make it to the end of this Review without joking that the Director is a dick (since his name is Dick Maas)?

To find out the answer to TWO of those questions, stream the Film.  It's on Amazon Prime or other services.

A pretty fun, if kind of cheap Film.  Is it mean to pick on a Film for its Budget?  Maybe. 

 Will I keep doing it?  Yes.

  Simply put, the Movie is a bit too ambitious.  They want to show the Lion in action...and can't do a great job of it.  There's a part that should be amazing where it chases a guy who is on a Moped.

  Unfortunately, the CGI Lion has a 'floaty' quality that takes away from the visual of it running full speed.  Later bits do work better, so it is not like they *couldn't* do it at all.

  They do commit the Cardinal Sin of Movie a CGI Animal- showing a real one.  Once you see a real Lion about halfway through, the animatronic one's face takes on a real Uncanny Valley feel.  Some Scenes that should be really scary just quite aren't when you can tell that you're looking at either sprites or something that the Henson Company would have rejected.

  The Dubbing here- I watched it that way for convenience sake- is alright, but a bit spotty.  I'd stick with the original Language if I were you.  Hey, if you want to see Jaws with a Lion and in Amsterdam, this is a solid pick.  

If you expect something just above a B-Movie, you can accept the budgetary issues.

  Just don't mix the Film up with 2007's Prey or a *different* Film from 2016 that is also called Uncaged...

A simple, but effective Thriller that is hurt by its Budget.  It wouldn't be a great Film with more money...but it would have helped.

Lost in Translation: Alone in the Dark (1982)

1982's Alone in the Dark is kind of in an odd place.  It is famous...but not really.

Alone in the Dark would later become the name of a Game Series and terrible pair of Movies.

It started with this Slasher Film starring some real legends though.  Let's see how Europe sold it (by way of someone sharing this on Facebook)...

It is like Jaws...but with a knife.

For the record, I don't remember a Scene like this in the Film (which is about a trio of deranged killers).  Neat though.

Here's the original...

Not that different, but we can all agree that I make everything better.

New Crap: The Woman in Black 2- Angel of Death

****Before you go any further, check out my Review of the original Hammer Film here.****

When in doubt, make a Sequel to your Remake of an Adaptation of a Play that is an Adaptation of a Book.  Today's Film is The Woman In Black 2: Angel of Death, the much-delayed Hammer Sequel.  According to my sources (IMDB and Wikipedia), the Film was Shot in 2013, planned for a 2014 release and then dumped out in 2015.  It must be great!  To be fair, Cabin in the Woods sat on a shelf for 4 years and it was really good.  Mind you, Red Dawn (the one with Chris Hemsworth) also sat on that same shelf (or a different one) for 4 years and wasn't all that good.  In this Sequel (Hammer's first in forty years!), we jump ahead to 1941 and see how bad life in England was.  It was rainy, full of political strife and not getting alot with its sister countries in the UK.  Oh wait- that's today.  In 1941, they were being bombed the Nazis too!  With things desperate, why not hide your kids in a haunted house?  To find out why that is a bad idea, read on...

In war-torn London, a group of children is taken out to the Country to escape the bombing campaign and the blackouts.

They end up in the House of The Woman in Black...which is slightly-safer, I guess.

One of the two Teachers is haunted by an event from her past via these Dream Sequences.  If you don't realize that this will connect to the evil Woman, then...

Congratulations- you are watching your first movie!  Not the best Film choice, but whatever.

One little boy- traumatized by loss- is targeted by the Woman and given the Junior Blair Witch treatment.

After some bad stuff (which I won't SPOIL happens) happens, our heroine suspects that someone else is around and to blame.  She acts a little crazy.

She starts a brief romance with this Pilot, but there is more to the situation than either one of them realizes at first.

Can they escape The Woman in Black?  Will the curse be broken?  To find out, watch the Film.

A disappointing follow-up- authorized or not.  This one could be great.  According to what I've read, the original Pitch had a bunch of wounded Soldiers holed up in the House under the care of a Nurse (the Lead).  A bunch of shell-shocked, wounded men in a ghost house- sounds good.  By the time they Filmed this, we got a half-dozen kids getting Schooling there during WWII instead- less good.  The whole thing just isn't as effective.  Without giving SPOILERS, I can say that there is less on-screen activity of interest and the Title character doesn't do a whole lot.  It is kind of like how 'Dracula' is barely in Doctor Dracula...although that one is explainable for different reasons.  You know that a Film isn't that good when I bring up Al Adamson!  In this case, it is just a mediocre retread that doesn't give you much to see, give you much to care about and just generally looks 'blah.'  On the plus side, they brought back the Original Lead from the 1989 Film...even if his role is minor.

Next up, I finally stop putting off a Japanese Sequel that has been waiting for me.  Will this part-real/part-fictional Hero save the day again?  Stay tuned...

Hammer Time: The Woman in Black (2012)

Yes, I am only doing this since a Sequel is in Theaters.  Should I deny it?  The Woman in Black is a 1989 TV Movie in...oh right, this one.  The Woman in Black is a 2012 Film by about 15 Production Companies, but most notably the new Hammer.  I guess it is fitting for them to do a British Film, even if they are no longer a British Company.  In this Film, a young man goes to a remote location to close out an Estate for his company.  However, the area is rife with superstition and tragedy.  Can he survive to end the curse?  Will his son be the next victim?  As I noted in the previous review, the Star of the 1989 Version was the same guy who would play Harry Potter's Dad in the big Films.  In this Version, it is Harry Potter himself- Daniel Radcliffe.  There's been a couple years now, so let's see if some separation does the Film harm or good?  To find out, read on...

The Film begins with 3 kids killing themselves (off-camera, of course) as a dark spirit looks on.

Compared to the Original one, this begins with all the subtlety of a shotgun blast to the face!

In both Versions, he's sent out to the boonies to clear up the clutter and paperwork of a woman's estate so his Employers can close it out for an Estate Sale.  The Dracula comparisons are in both.

In this Version, the Estate sure is far away.  I mean, wow...that sure is far away.

In the nearby Village, Radcliffe learns that the deaths of many children has occurred recently.  It affects them pretty badly, to say the least.

Compared to all of the subtle moments with sound effects and implied terror, the 2012 Version is...less so...by 1,000,000.

Radcliffe continues to investigate and learns that the titular Woman in Black lost her child in the nearby marshes and takes the children as her twisted revenge.  He has to find that kid!

When he gets back to town, he finds a building on fire with a kid trapped inside.  Things...don't go well.

A desperate Radcliffe risks life and limb to try and recover the body from the marsh.  Can he?

More importantly, will this mark the end of the killings?  Will The Woman in Black rest in peace?

Well, they just made a Sequel...but that's all I'll say.  The End.

Eh...it isn't bad.  Honestly, I didn't go into this with much of a surprise.  After all, I did watch the same Story (sort of) already once last year.  Having said that, it was still pretty good.  The Film is doing a good job when it is quiet and you can just enjoy the mood/setting.  The 1989 Version is dull at times, but its best points were still lost here.  In that one, he hears the sounds of a carriage accident in the fog.  It works so well because you know it isn't real and you just imagine how bad it must look.  In this one, he goes out and sees it.  They do a good enough job with it, but...maybe let that one go.  While you're at it, maybe I don't need to see the ghosts of the children several times.  It is an eerie effect, but they could have just as easily been shadows or not been there at all.  It reminds me of the comparisons made between the original Haunting and the 1999 Remake (Starring Liam Neeson- now in Taken 3, opening today).  One implied great terror effectively, while the other...showed off CG Effects and nothing more.  Another comparison might be made between the original Amityville Horror and the 2004 Remake.  All of the implied terror was made into implicit, CG silliness.  It wasn't all bad, but the new bits were not improvements.  That is mostly the case here.  The Film will definitely work more for younger, more modern viewers than the Original one.  There are some major changes- like the wife being dead from the beginning- that make it feel less like a glossy Update (a la Gus Van Sant's Psycho), but it is still...just alright for me.  Sorry, Harry.

Next up, I finally get around to watching a Film given to me months ago.  With a Starlet, a Comedienne and 1,000 songs, this should be...something.  Stay tuned...

Merry Deathmas: Saint Nick

Let's close out this year with a silly, silly bang!  Today's film is Saint Nick, a movie that I've just been DYING to see.  Granted- I could have watched it back in- I think- May when Netflix first got it on Streaming.  What would be the point of that though?  I was saving it for Christmas...so that's what I did.  Saint Nick is a Foreign Horror film that plays off of some old Folk Tales to create modern terror.  The film is a bit tongue-in-cheek at times, but never betrays a serious tone too much.  The concept is a bit silly, although the characters don't question it.  It's a tale of love, loss and dickhead College students in the Netherlands.  Will old St. Nick kill them all or will our brave hero- joined by a crazy cop- save the day?  To find out, you have to read on...

Saint Nick circa the 1500s was kind of a dick.  He robbed, killed and assaulted a small village.  Nobody could stop him.

 All of that changed on one December 5th when the Village worked together and burned him to death.  He didn't take it well.

The spirit of Saint Nick returns for a post-title kill in 1968.  He takes out a family, leaving just one son who hid.

Jump cut to 2010 and the kid is now a jaded Cop.  Meanwhile, this young couple is just adorable.  Seriously, don't you want to just kill them?

It's December 5th again and we have the first Full Moon on that day since 1968.  That means that Saint Nick is back.

Dutch Uncle Sam is pissed!

 Saint Nick is enjoyed by his group of Black Petes.  If you like your henchman as Pirates in black-face, this is your film!

 Since this is a Foreign film, some of the taboos that we hold dear are fair game.  If you take the time to translate that sign, you'll know that this movie pulls no punches!

Will our heroes- a hapless College Student and a crazy cop- win the day?

Will Saint Nick get medieval on some modern-day Cops?

 Will Saint Nick ride off into the sunset or will he finally pay for his crimes...again?  To find out...watch the movie.  The End.

The season may be over, but I can still enjoy Foreign Horror Movies.  I will say one thing: the Streaming version on Netflix (which I watched, since I'm lazy) is Dubbed.  It's not the worst Dubbing I've seen- I own about 30 Kung-Fu films which are worse- but it does deter from the film.  That out of the way, I kind of liked this movie.  It has a simple premise- evil Saint Nick attacks a city of 'sinners- and works well for it.  I would have liked a bit more on-screen action throughout, as opposed to the bottom-heavy finale that we actually get.  I could also say that the make-up work for Saint Nick is not super-great.  It's not bad...but it reminds me a lot of that movie Uncle Sam.  The gore effects are goofy at times as well.  In spite of that, I liked the use of practical effects, the overall concept and the production values in general.  It's a well-made movie about a silly idea.  It's a film that probably couldn't be made the same way in America.  Speaking of things that can't be done in America...

Next up, we're entering all-new territory as I cover new films AND have no announced schedule.  First up, will the third film in a Spanish film series renew my fandom?  Stay tuned...