Tubi Thursday: Judgement Day (1998)

In 1998, Meteors/Asteroids were all the rage.

We had Deep Impact.
We had Armageddon.
We also had...

In this Film, the Government discovers that an Asteroid is coming towards the Earth.

Do they tell anyone?
Nah.

Let's just get 'Johnny Cage' (Linden Ashby) to use his device (which only he can work?).

The problem- a radical Preacher (Van Peebles) kidnaps him to stop him from using it.

Him and his Cult (which includes 'Tiny' Lister) think that Humanity is needed to be purged.

Too bad 'Johnny' couldn't just leave notes!

An FBI Agent (Suzy Amis) is sent to find him, but the only source they have is a Prisoner (Ice-T).

This means doing something nice and low-budget- driving around Los Angeles.
They get in a few shoot-outs and eventually track down Peebles.

And no, this is a different Film with the same Title.  Looks neat though, right?

Can they get to 'Cage' in time?
Can they do anything other than meet a random person, get info and then get them killed in their next appearance (or, in one case, the same appearance)?

I mean, you know they will right.  This is also a different Movie, but f#%k getting Screencaps today.

The End.

It's...pretty nothing.  It's not badly-made.  It's not badly-written.  It's just...kind of there.

Armageddon (which, as a reminder, is somehow part of the Criterion Collection!) had the big Budget, silly Plot and Story behind it.
Deep Impact had the big Budget, grand scale and, well, Morgan Freeman.

Judgement Day has a pretty small Budget (the CGI is very '90s and there are like 3 main Sets), a pretty small Story in scale (broken up by random crashes) and Ice-T trying to expand his emotional range.

Like I said, it's not bad.  It just doesn't try too hard.  They even got Coolio, but only for one Scene.

Even just describing the Plot is a bit silly, to be fair.  An Agent must get a Criminal to help her find a Scientist who's been kidnapped by a Cult in order to stop an Asteroid crashing into the Earth.  It's a bit muddled, no?

I did like Amis here, to be fair.  She must have thought she peaked, since she married James Cameron and retired from Acting after this Film.  'I can't do better than this.  Now let's find the Titanic!'

On the plus side, it comes to us from John Terlesky, most known as the Star of Deathstalker 2.  Why not?

When you don't aim high, you don't make something too exciting.  Reach for the Stars, Kids- just avoid the Asteroids!

Syfy Fun: Pterodactyl

You had to know that this day was coming.  Dinosaur films are a staple of cheap, Direct-to-DVD/Video fare.  Coolio has spend the last decade or so making cheap, Direct-to-DVD/Video fare.  Naturally, these two met in a film for the ages- Pterodactyl.  In many ways, this film resembles Raptor Island, only with the Military plot broken up by a shallow plot about scientists.  When in doubt, make two, dumb movies!  In all seriousness, there is some intentional and unintentional fun to be had here- much like Raptor Island.  Will this film be as 'good' or funny as that one?  To find out, you'll have to just read on...

Thanks to some silly contrivance involving an earthquake in Turkey, some Pterodactyl eggs roll near a volcano and begin to hatch.  No, really.

In Plot A, Coolio is leading a Covert Ops team to take out some Turkish terrorist.  I'll just assume it's the guy from The Deathless Devil.  You get 5 points for getting that joke.

Meanwhile, in Plot B, a Scientist, his Aide and some young adults are out in the Woods of Turkey.  Yeah, seems safe, especially when they find trees coated in a form of bird urine.  Ew.

The titular creatures try to attack the film's token blond, but she gets away.  The perverted nerd character, however, is not so lucky.

Our plots finally coincide when the remaining Terrorists come across the remainders of Plot B & hold them hostage.  Coolio and the Gang eventually burst into action...but only after one of the men nearly rapes the Aide.  America- F#@% Yeah!

In the film's silliest Plot Device (which is saying a bit), Coolio busts out the gang's secret weapon: a missile launcher, complete with a guidance system tied to a silly-looking VR Helmet.  No, really.

Boom goes the Pterodactyl.

In some amazing luck, the Pterodactyls don't kill our heroine, but instead bring her to the nest to feed the kids.  Thankfully, she has the ability to hide two feet in front of them and wait for rescue.

Naturally, the whole film comes down to the silly helmet-aimed missile launcher.  With one last shot, our hero takes out the Alpha Male, apparently making the rest just kind of leave.

In a sequel-bait ending (of sorts), a trip through the CG cave reveals...a T-Rex.  Of course, that was in there too!  The End.

Fro crap, it's pretty fun.  Like a kid making a mess in a YouTube video, it's hard to stay mad at this movie.  It's so charmingly-awful and inept that I love it.  The characters are so stock that you could make soup with them.  The CG effects are so hilarious that I'm actually surprised that it's not an Asylum film.  The Writing is so silly that I almost expect a clown to show up.  Is this movie bad?  Yes.  It's essentially two silly movies- a bunch of soldiers in the Woods and a Teacher bringing his students out to the woods- crammed together with some Dinosaurs thrown into it.  To be fair, the movie does mix in some practical effects like puppet heads/claws for some scenes.  You all know that I prefer those and they mostly work here.  The film is goofy fun, but the plot does get kind of dark at times.  For example, one soldier and one student are injured & stay behind at a Cabin.  While our heroes go to save the film's heroine, the former dies from her wounds and the other is attacked by the Pterodactyls.  The film never cuts back to them, which I guess is better than having our happy heroes find bloody corpses.  Speaking of things that aren't ever addressed, Coolio and the Gang rescue a woman from the Terrorist's camp and...she is never shown again.  What happened to her?  Did she just fall into a hole in the time-space continuum or something?  The bottom line: if you can enjoy this film's silly flaws, you'll have a silly and fun time.  Some films are art.  This film is that drawing your kid made when he was 2.

Next up, a film full of boobs, bad effects and more boobs.  How has this been sitting on my shelf for nearly two years un-watched?!?  Stay tuned...

East Meets West: China Strike Force

It's not that rare to get a crappy kung-fu movie made in China during the last 40 years. It is also not that rare to get one made with American actors trying to be kung-fu stars...and usually failing- I'm looking at you, Gary Daniels. What is rare is getting a kung-fu movie made in China with American actors and Chinese ones. Oh, by the way, the whole movie is also done in English as its native language. So if you ever wanted to see the Indian from Brotherhood of the Wolf battle real kung-fu masters, this is your film. It is...

China Strike Force

I have to pause for a moment to comment on how silly this title is. Grammatically, it just makes no sense. Is the whole country a 'strike force?' Silly, silly. Moving on...

*

The plot revolves around two young cops who get caught up in a big drug bust and all of the related violence. Wouldn't it be a change of pace to see some young cops caught up in something that is actually on their level? Sure, it would be boring, but it would be something different. Their first big test is an assassination attempt in a big public forum. Why? It has something to do with two criminal drug lords trying to tie up any loose ends before their work gets interrupted. But, you don't really care about that! What you care about is this: action scene! They chase the attacker (dressed as a waiter) into a busy Hong Kong street and fight around the traffic. There is also a motorcycle that gets involved for a couple of stunts. The guy manages to evade capture via death, proving that our heroes are vaguely-ineffectual.

*

A good lead comes in the form of a good-looking young woman with ties to the drug dealers. A lot of chasing ensues before she is captured. In the interim, we get some scenes involving our two drug dealers: Mark 'Iron Chef America' Dacascos and Coolio. Why does this guy keep showing up in my movies?!? Incidentally, Coolio's character is in fact named Coolio. That's lazy writing for you! Oh well, at least they are doing business meetings in a hot tub...oh god, they are. This is turning into the gayest pair of drug dealers ever! Back to the female part of the movie, our heroes learn the woman's secret: she is actually part of the Japanese DEA! Dun dun dun! Much like Cradle 2 The Grave, she came overseas to get the guy. This brings up the biggest problem the movie has: the English language. Most of the stars are not exactly from here and not that exactly fluent in the language. This gives us the classic line of the woman explaining that she wants revenge on 'the drug dealer Coorio.'

*

In case it was not clear, the movie is just a pretense to string together action scenes. The actors were all hired for their ability to fight, well, except for Coolio. He was hired for his ability to...wait, why did they hire him? Oh right, he contributes in his own way to the musical score. What do we get? A rap song that consists of the lyrics 'Oow-eeh, I like girls, I like girls.' Now picture that for five minutes and you have 'the song.' The finale is pretty much worth the price of admission though. Our main hero (I won't spoil the whole plot for you) shows up to battle Dacascos and Coolio. During the fight, the latter tries to flee in a car that is being towed by a helicopter- of course! The other two get on a fight ensues on the vehicle. About halfway through, they crash it into a building and Dacascos is killed. The fight continues on a giant pane of glass. To review, they kill off the one villain who knows kung-fu in place of Coolio. Yeah, it's not pretty, although Stanley Tong disguises it alright.

*

This movie is entertaining, but nothing more. The fact that Stanley Tong was at the helm helped it a lot more than any other factor. The stunt performers do an admirable job and make all the action feel real. Unfortunately, the acting and everything else in the movie is just not up to par. People can make Jackie Chan films for their flimsy plots, but they are least more fluid and logical than this one. I would have liked a stronger plot that was delivered more competently. As it stands, China Strike Force is a fun movie that will keep you entertained for a while, but fail to be all that memorable.

*

While we are still in Asia, let's take a walk on the bi-polar side...you filthy bastard. Sorry, I did it again. Stay tuned...

Blaxplosion: Judgment Day (1999)

People always think about the two movies that compete during the summer- i.e. Dante's Peak and Volcano. What people often forget is the movies that try to grab onto the strands of interest in an attempt to make their own movie relevant. This is the idea behind today's movie. In the wake of Armageddon and Deep Impact, giant asteroids were huge...err, in movies, that is. To that extent, some producer hired a bunch of untalented black action stars and made this movie. It is...

Judgment Day

The movie sets up a very odd narrative, but, hey, let's go with it. A scientist discovers a giant asteroid coming towards the Earth. He has developed an elaborate laser weapon that can put a stop to the threat- simple enough. Unfortunately, he is kidnapped by a mysterious group (headed by Mario Van Peebles) before he can do this. For some reason, we cannot just use his device (I guess the instructions were in Esperanto or something), so we need a Plan B. This comes in the form of a female FBI agent, who is tasked with finding him. Their only way to get him is with the help of a convicted Felon (Ice-T), who used to be a part of the cult. Can you say 48 Hours, kids?

*

Our two heroes do not get along, so this 105 minutes is sure going to be fun. Meanwhile, our scientist friend is held in a giant cage and guarded by, wait for it, "Tiny" Lister. Geez, weren't there any good black actors available? Hell, Tony Todd and Keith David could probably have freed up a weekend or two for you. What's next- Coolio? Oh crap, there he is. He provides a lead to help find the man at his hide-out, conveniently located in a poor (read:empty) section of L.A. In the movies lone good move, the questionably-haired man is killed in a shooting battle between our heroes and the evil gang. Want to know why they are the way they are?

*

In a long monologue, Melvin's son explains that his group is a very strict Christian group (read:cult). They want to keep the man from stopping the asteroid, since they view it as God's instrument of retribution. They tend to view it as the opposite of the biblical flood, since, according to the book, He promised only that he would not use water again to cleanse the Earth. It is one thing to think crazy stuff like that- it is another thing to doom the Earth. Well, what else should we expect from Highlander 3's Kane?

*

As the movie goes on, we get some serious acting...attempts from "Tiny" Lister. The scientist tries to convince him that he should be free and questions his values. He seriously considers this moral dilemma. Excuse me, that is what we are supposed to see. In reality, he appears to just be constipated. Despite Peebles interruptions, he does free the scientist in time for Ice-T and his partner's arrival. He gets a belly full of lead in return for this. Two films with Lister and two deaths- good odds. We get more boring shoot-outs (maybe I am just jaded) in a dark, cheap setting. Eventually, Thomas Payne (Peebles) is killed and the scientist is able to avert disaster. Well, except for the one in Peru and a couple other ones. He is able to avert most of the disaster- close enough.

*

This movie is pretty bad. It is not 'I want to kill myself' bad (Blood Freak), 'I want to at least maim myself' bad (Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy) or 'I want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon' bad (Wild Zero). With a more competent set of actors, the movie could be more than passable. I get that you wanted to be like 48 Hours and Armageddon, but you could have aimed higher with your casting. To be fair, we need to take a long, hard look at the man behind the whole film: John Terlesky. That's right, the man who played the title hero in Deathstalker II directed this movie. The man who made Fire Serpent and Cerberus directed this. I should also mention that he was one of the credited writers on Warbirds, a film about WWII fighter pilots battling dinosaurs. Need I say anymore?

*

Let's keep the Peebles theme going with a classic action film by a future star director. Oh wait, I'm wrong about one of those things. To find out which, stay tuned...

Deep Space Crazies: Dracula 3000

You just know that a movie with this title is not going to be good. There is no way that this movie is going to be the next Citizen Kane, Casablanca or Porky's II: The Next Day. But can it be entertaining in any way? Can the sheer audacity used in the casting of so many bad actors make it good through sheer force of insanity? Find out in my review of...

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

The film begins with Udo Kier's ugly mug being weird and creepy. He yells out sadly as the ship announces that it will not self-destruct. 'Oh no, I will live another day...only to be killed in such films as Cigarette Burns and Mother of Tears.' We are next introduced to a cast of space castaways led by Casper Van Dien. Well, in as much as anyone can be led by Casper Van Dien. Their introductions feel straight out of an 80s cartoon show. We get a drug-addict, a bitchy lady, a scared lady, a smart guy and a big dumb guy. This is the quality we get, people.

*

Basically, the crew wants to make some mo-ney by bringing in a ship that has been missing for 50 years. Through a series of increasingly-hammy video logs, we find out why. Meanwhile, our crew lightheartedly jokes about things like pretending to die and chasing each other like a monster. Ha ha ha...inappropriate. They eventually uncover the body of a man who has been mummified...somehow and has tied both of his hands to a chair...somehow. We get the first hints of vampires in the movie...which is not really a secret. Dracula's name is in the damn title!

*

The first one to be converted is Coolio, er...I mean, 187. He revives himself, looking a little different. His super-strength is a new feature, as is his ability to make really lude and stupid come-ons to Erika Eleniak. Thanks for constantly talking about how attractive she is movie- it's not like it was in her contract. We are then treated to the most outdated and silly-looking Count possible ever put on screen. Even amongs the shitty spaceship designs (count how many times you get the same hallway), the laziness of his design is just bad. Plus, when you can stand out as being stupid looking in a cast of only seven people (I don't count Udo's bits), that is saying a lot. He does not do much, save for cry like a little bitch later on.

*Unlike Detention, this movie has no qualms about killing its cast. Coolio dies after his 600th bad line (too late, movie), while the unnecessary Mina dies off-screen the first time. She makes an appearance later, looking like a reject from Queen of the Damned. They even kill of Van Dien's Van Helsing because...err, I guess they thought it was clever. Hey, however you want to kill off the star of Starship Troopers 3: Marauder, I can live with. Dracula looks menacing enough, but does all of his action off-camera as well. Major deaths, real action and Erika's boob fail to make actual appearances in the movie, so what's the point? Oh and the ending is immensely-stupid. Not only that, but it is really drawn out. Make your dumb joke and end, movie. The End.

*

This movie is really, really bad. It stars Coolio, the guy from Starship Troopers, the other lady from Baywatch and a guy who is only famous for being the villain from No Holds Barred. Throw in everyone's favorite scary German in a pointless and thankless role & you have some utter crap. What else could you possibly expect from this film? The second you see this crappy box on the shelf you have to think 'this is going to be painful.' You are right- it is. That said, the film is so utterly immersed in terrible quality that it is kind of funny. Not funny enough though.

*

What happens when you put a horror-based singer in a horror film? Nothing good this time. Stay tuned...

Edit: I could not get this out on time Friday night due to a combination of work and 'rocking.' As such, I will 'double-post' today to keep my schedule and all my readers happy. Have fun, my baker's dozen.