Remake This?: Toolbox Murders (2004)

 A Film remade, ironically enough, by the guy who inspired the Original in the first place.

A Producer saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre make a ton of money on the cheap and said, 'Let's do that.'  26 years later, a Studio got the rights to make a new version of The Toolbox Murders and hired Tobe Hooper!

This 2004 Remake was also produced by an odd couple- Tony DiDio and Jaqueline Quella.
One was the Producer of the Original- and seller of the rights- and one was the person picked by the Studio to make this...and she hated the Original.

As such, they bought the naming rights and made something completely different.

Was that a positive?  Let's hope so!

Rather than summarize it here, let's just dive right into the grime...

After a logo that looks like it was designed for 2004 Windows Media Player, we see a woman move into an Apartment Building in L.A.

It's...Sherri Moon and she's eventually killed with a hammer.

It's noted that she did this as a favor (thanks to Rob), but isn't, you know, being a Tobe Hooper Film enough.  Kind of a passive aggressive dig, no?

We next meet our actual Main Character- was this supposed to be like Scream or am I reaching?- and its Angela Bettis.

Her and the Husband are NOT wannabe Actors (like others), but they are nosy.

To be fair, they can hear EVERYTHING through the walls.

Instead of a cheap Apartment Building, this one is a big one with a Doorman and a Super...but also super cheap.  Pick one!

It is full of random people, including a guy who spies on his neighbor via 144p Webcam.  There's no nudity in this one, however, so I guess he just likes to watch her walk around in grainy, blue tint.

She meets the oldest Tenant- Rance Howard- and he tells her about how old the place is and that there is vague, weird stuff about it.

This comes into play later, of course.

Angela hears someone screaming bloody murder and calls the Cops, but it is the Super and an Actor doing lines.

Now she's not going to call them again and she's...on the hook for the broken door?

What kind of lease did you sign, lady?!?

The kills are far more spaced out here, which is better and worse.

They're also (generally) bigger and sillier.

The Nail Gun Scene, for instance, ends with her being shot at like a woman in the Carnival with a Knife Thrower...and it gets sillier.

Who is this masked killer?

Is it the Husband?
The Doorman?
The Super?

Howard talks to her again about the Building and she's led to look deep into its past.

There are no 4th Rooms (104, 204, etc.) somehow and there are symbols everywhere.

What does it all mean?!?

Here's the big reveal(s)- the killer (credited as Coffin Baby) was born from a dead woman and needs to kill to survive.  The runes/markings give him power...or something.

Look- he's a masked brute who doesn't talk, so everyone does it for him.

He kills everyone but the Couple, has the 'one last hurrah' moment and then disappears for a Sequel that wouldn't come for 9 years due to a ton of rights issues.

The End.

After watching a Film like this, I feel like I need a tetanus shot!

Everything is yellow tinted, moldy and just looks unpleasant.  Lots of it is lighting, so I can't blame this on Color Correction (the accidental bane of Cinema since 1999).

Positives- focusing on Bettis is good.  The kills in the Finale are brutal enough for this Film's audience and the vague lore about the killer is interesting.

Ultimately though, this has about a dozen Characters, barely a Story, a villain who just grunts and just really failed to hold my attention.  On top of that, is this a Remake?

As I discussed with Bob the other day, this Film just bought the name and the idea of a few kills.  Was it a big name?  Were those kills that famous?

I'm glad Hooper got to keep making stuff- especially after his Credits were excised mostly from the 2003 Remake of his most famous Film- but this is both half-baked and over-done.

The execution of the Plot is so-so and the forced lore for this grunting rando killer is silly.

Speaking of silly, old Coffin Baby hid the Nail Gun kill from the cops this way...

Next up, I guess it is time.  Let's go from a Film inspired by Tobe Hooper to a Remake by Tobe Hooper to....a Remake of Tobe Hooper.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Djinn (by Tobe Hooper) {2013}

 A life of Filmmaking that begins in Texas ends, oddly, enough in the United Arab Emirates.  See how Tobe Hooper's last Film came about...

After learning about what Djinn are- they are magical beings that hide amongst mankind- we meet 2 Arab men and their American friend.

After more talk of Djinn and how one had a kid with a human, the foreshadowing is over and the latter is killed.

In America, an Arab Couple is grieving the loss of their child.

They go to a Therapist who gives them a (strange) solution- move back home.

Bye, America!

They move back and meet her family.  They are all very happy.

When they learn the duo are living in a random Building in the middle of nowhere, less so.

Literally minutes after the guy leaves for work, the Wife starts to see weird stuff and slightly-freak out.

This Movie sure is in a hurry!

As people die (there's only like 10 people in the Film, so, I guess SPOILERS) and she gets more worried, will the Wife find out what is going on?

UPDATE: An Actress who's now in Moon Knight is in this.  Neat.

Will the Djinn win?

To find out, watch the Film now.

A pretty decent Ghost Story...just with something other than Ghosts.  It succeeds at it wants to be.

It just doesn't aim to be all that much.  It's just 'people under threat from vague evil' thing.
At least Under the Shadow had a real historical setting and used the Horror to accentuate the subtext.  Seriously, check it out.

Djinn really just aims to be a Grudge-style Film, just with a light bit of accent.  I'm still not sure how and why Tobe Hooper ended up doing this- other than money for him and 'hiring the guy from Poltergeist' for the Producers).  It's a weird final Chapter for the guy.

Djinn isn't terrible.  Djinn isn't great.  I'm told that if you add 'The' to the Title that it gets better though.

A decent Film that doesn't seem to aspire to be all that unique.  For what it is, it's fine and simple enough to watch for fans of this kind of Film.

Almost Heroes: Grady (Mortuary- 2005)

 At long last, another Almost Hero arises.

In Mortuary, we get the tale of a family that moves to live at, well, a Mortuary.

The Son makes friends with a local girl- played by an Actress in her early '30s- and her boyfriend.

As luck would turn out, he's actually her Gay Best Friend, so our Hero has a shot.  Sigh.

The duo end up with him at the Home after Mom gets possessed and evil, leading us into the busy Third Act Climax.

He's with the group- which includes the younger Sister- the whole time, always helping out.

They retreat into a Crypt- because why not?!?- and he's the last one through the entryway, guarding the group's rear.

...and he gets punched through the chest by a zombie and killed.

Sadly, he doesn't say anything like 'We're safe here' or 'This place should be safe,' so I can't double-dip this one for Deep Blue Sea Moments of Cinema too.

Poor guy.

He just wanted to help...and to also smoke pot...and to see a dead body.

Who hasn't been there?

Oh well, he *almost* saved the day.

'00s Trash?: Tobe Hooper's Mortuary (2005)

 After going through some personal upheaval, I might as well go back to trashy Horror.  

This is Mortuary, a 2005 Film by the late Tobe Hooper.  Notably, this is the last Feature Film made by Hooper...in the United States.  

He made one more Film in 2013 in the UAE, hence the qualifier.  

So, with that in mind, it's not good that I got this on a cheap 4 Films on 1 Disc Set, is it?

The Plot involves a family moving to a new Town, but problems arise.  What evil lurks in the Cemetery?  Why are there only ever like 10 people in Town?  

The Cast includes Star Trek TNG alum Denise Crosby and some other random Actors of little note (to me).

Can Hooper end his (US) Career on a high note?  Let's find out...

A family- led by Denise Crosby- moves after the Husband dies and a job opportunity arises.

That job?

Undertaker.

No, not that one.

Let the kids play with all of your tools though, lady.

Our Hero finds young love...well, it's half right.  Weirdly, the woman playing his love interest was actually 33, while he was legit 18.

Horror Films are meant to be a bit creepy, I guess.

Meeting with her and her friend, he's told the story about how the Mortuary (that's the name of the Movie!) was owned by a Family, who all died, save for one messed up Son.

Oh well, that won't pay off later.

Earlier, this guy and his two ladies were jerks to our Hero.  Now they decide to vandalize the Cemetery before going into a Crypt to have sex.

No, don't kill them.  I'll be soooo sad.

Things eventually escalate to the point where the Sheriff is attacked- in the same Crypt- and the recently-worked-on bodies spring to life when this magic-ish algae/vines infects them.

They corrupt Denise...

...so now she's mutated and evil.

Wait- this is the time this happened to her in the late-80s, not this Film.

It all comes to a head as our Heroes end up in the Crypt as they flee the Zombies, evil Denise, the Sheriff and...the guy they teased earlier.

Hey, that did pay off after all.

They manage to fend off the Zombies and escape Denise as the evil mold/algae/whatever kills off the aforementioned creepy guy.

In the aftermath, they take a moment to rest outside the House...only for the weird stuff to drag our Hero away and Evil Denise to take the Daughter away.  The *bleak* End.

A bleak Film that tries to get by on atmosphere.  

If you look deeply at the Film, there's alot missing.  

The Town is barely there and has almost no citizens.  

How many Landmarks does it have?  It is just a tiny, empty shell.  

The Plot is alright, but what is it really about?  Evil, zombie-making moss?  Yeah...alright then.  

The Film needs a more obvious, talkative evil.  It needs a Mad Scientist, a Witch or something.  

As it is, we get a silly, CGI creation that slowly builds up its forces.  

That said, the climax of the Film is pretty good.  We get zombies.  We get Evil Denise.  We get the freaky guy.  

The execution is, well, so-so. 

 The Budget issues rear their ugly head here as they run around the same few locations in darkly lit sets.  I will say that the make-up on said Zombies is nice though.  

Hooper does a good job here, even as some issues you get with most '00s Horror Films show up here.  He gets a good performance out of the Actors, so good on him.  

I can't point out any obvious bits that show this to blatantly be a 'Tobe Hooper Film' per se though.  Mortuary has promise.  

The Film could work with some tweaking here and there.  Pick a real Theme and don't get distracted by B-Plots.  It's been almost 20 years, so let's see if anyone is lining up to remake this.  

In the meantime, here's some good advice for you.  If your friend says 'Hey, can I see a dead body,' just say 'No.'  I mean...duh, right?

Next up, I dig through this Disc for more content.  Will I get a hidden gem or just more of this?  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: John Carpenter Presents Body Bags (1993)

 Let's try something new with some *not sponsored* content.  You might as well start for free and then get paid, no?

All jokes aside, I have a massive backlog of stuff on Tubi, so let's look at the first one I picked for this...

In this Movie/Failed Pilot for a Showtime Series, a Corpse (played by John Carpenter) introduces 3 Tales of Terror.

Fittingly, he also Directed 2 of them, so he's the guy for the job!

In the first Tale, a woman is working a new job at a Gas Station.  As (bad) luck would have it, there's a Serial Killer on the loose.

Is it the Nice Guy, the other Nice Guy or the creepy guy?  The answer may surprise you.

It's not this guy, since he's more keen to direct a killer than be one.

Also be on the look out for a familiar face as a corpse.

In the 2nd tale, a man- Stacy Keach- is worried about hair loss.  Naturally, he's willing to work with a weird Doctor- David Warner- to get his help.

Since we got Davids Naughton and Warner, we have a connection- both of them were in Ice Cream Man!

The product works and everything seems great.

Oh right- it's a Horror Story, so there are freaky side-effects.

Based on his hair now, I'm guessing that he turns into Tommy Wiseau.

In the final tale (by Tobe Hooper), a man- Mark Hamill- gets an eye transplant after a car accident.

I wonder how he prepared to get into the mindset of a guy who survived a car accident.
Oh...right.

Like every story about someone getting a 'blank' transplant, he starts to go crazy.  Can he resist the urge to kill?

To find out the answers, stream this one now.  Hey, it's free- no excuses!

A pretty varied and interesting set of Horror Stories.  

The basic Premise- a creepy Coroner shares Horror Tales- is not that unique.  This was made to be a sort-of counterpart to Tales From the Crypt (for Showtime).  It shows.  

That said, Carpenter has fun with the character and his energy is pretty infectious.  

The first tale is a pretty simple one that is really accented- like most Carpenter Films- by the Soundtrack.  It gives you a pretty simple scenario and delivers what you'd expect.  

The 2nd tale is a bit weirder and more wacky.  It touches upon a subject that is near and dear to many people, even 20+ years later.  

Keach delivers here, as does David Warner is his small, but pivotal role.  The hook here is a weird one, but it worked for me.  

The final tale is an odd one by comparison.  As the only one by Hooper, it feels...different.  

It's more visceral and aggressive in ways that the other 2 aren't.  There's a weird kind of fun to those, while the final one is pretty mean and bleak.  

It kind of reminds of the randomly serious interlude that ended Tales from the Hood 2.  In this case, it feels like a Hooper kind of story, just mixed with the Body Horror Theme that would prove to be popular around the time (see Idle Hands, The Hand and Body Parts).  

If these were 3 Episodes of the planned Show, it would be easier to ignore ('Ooh, just skip the mean one, Steve') but it's hard when it is part of a 'Film.'  

I'd have been happier with either 2 more like this one OR a final short by Carpenter.  Regardless, Body Bags is a fun Anthology Film and has been somewhat overlooked.  

You might as well watch it for free then.  If you don't, I know a guy to send your way... 

A fun, but uneven Horror Anthology that could have lead to more.  I'm always up for more John Carpenter though.

Forgotten Horror: Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive

The curse of hitting it big with something is the inevitable need to top it.  

Tobe Hooper made alot of great and/or interesting Films in his life.  Many of them- like this- were attempts to replicate his first success.  

Today's Film is Eaten Alive, not to be confused with an Italian Horror Film of the same name.  That one combined the Cannibal Peril Film with the Topical Horror Film, combining elements of a Jim Jones-like Cult.  

This Film does not do that, but does riff on an actual real-life case.  Say, didn't that other Movie do that too.  In this case, it's Joe Ball, who was accused of killing Waitresses at his Restaurant and then feeding them to the Alligators.  

Sadly, Phoenix Wright wasn't there to question said animals on the stand.  When Ball was confronted with the claims, he pulled out a gun and shot himself dead.  

Is that a confession?  In lieu of that, the Film takes the basic idea as premise and then just goes a bit bonkers with it.  

It is full of Character Actors- I'll try to cover as many as possible- and what you'd expect from an early Hooper Film.  

Is it original?  No.  

Is it good?  Let's see...

A woman working at a Brothel leaves when she gets fired for turning down a freaky guy.

To be fair, it was Robert Englund.

She ends up with this guy, who eventually makes the same moves on her and she freaks out.  He kills her.

This sets the stage for what most of the Film is going to be- screaming and killing.

More guests arrive and it's a Couple with arguably-worse luck than the one in Manos.  FYI they also have a kid and a Dog.  Thankfully, their kid isn't dubbed by a middle-aged woman.

The woman is Marilyn Burns- adding to the TCM comparisons- and the husband is William Finley, most famous for his work in DePalma Films like Sisters or The Phantom of the Paradise.

Fun Fact: The Actress that plays the little girl is the longest-lasting Cast Member on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  No, really.

They both act like a bunch of psychopaths, leading to the Husband trying to shoot the Crocodile and being killed.

Honestly, am I supposed to root for this guy over them?

An older man and his Daughter come looking for the woman from earlier, but get the run-around from the people like Sheriff Stuart Whitman (fresh off killing giant rabbits) and...

Morticia Adams (from the original Show)?!?

I'm sure alot of that is make-up, but...wow.  I'm having flashbacks to the lady who I could have sworn was a Mannequin.

This leads to more death (including the Dad), some nudity, lots of screaming, a kid being locked in a cage while screaming and a climax where, of course, the Crocodile eats the bad guy.   The End.

A trashy, pretty one-note affair.  Not to insult the dead- which includes 96% of the Cast- but I was hoping for more from this.  

Instead of a Film full of good Characters escaping an evil psycho, I got one and a bunch of creeps.  

Do I care if the rape-inclined Englund is killed?  

Do I care if the awful Husband dies?  No.  

This is one of those Films where it is hard to root for anyone.  The Dad and the Daughter are probably the best Characters here.  

Sadly, one of them eats it and then has his death slightly undermined by the reveal that he was dying anyhow.  

The other gets to be good...until the Film has to fulfill a nudity quote and she strips down at the Hotel.  Why would you even do that?  

Aside from the guy being creepy and the placing looking weird (it was shot on an artificial Sound Stage), I'm pretty sure just looking at the bed would give you tetanus!  

Seriously though, this Film is like 50% screaming.  

People scream while running.  

People scream while hiding (makes sense!).  

People scream while a guy runs at them with a scythe.  

People scream just because.  

I feel for anyone who was trying to watch another Movie in an adjacent Theater to this back in the day.  

After putting off the Film for a Decade, I was letdown.  It is what it is and nothing more- I wanted more.  

Speaking of more, it had a number of random Titles on both Video and in Theaters.  For instance, this odd one...

Next time, I celebrate a Master of Horror with his most recent work.  Will I be calling on him for one more Film or to stop while he's behind?  Stay tuned...