Fairly Tale: The Huntsman- Winter's War

 Are you ready for lots of Backstory?!?

If so, you're the Audience for today's Film- The Huntsman- Winter's War, the 2016 Sequel to the 2012 Film.  Of course, you notice what's missing from that Title.

There's no Snow White in this Snow White Sequel- save for a random Stunt Double's Cameo.  Weird.

This is from the rich tradition of such Sequels as Clyde: Origins, Frost vs. The World Crime League and Deadpool.

Wait- one of those is real.

The VFX Director- Cedric Nicolas-Troyan- steps up to Direct.  Will he have an affair with a Lead too?  He's since gone on to Direct...one other Film in 2021.

Bad omens.

Is this a Sequel that deserves more love or one that needs to get nuked for another 30 seconds to defrost?  To find out, read on....

Remember the Evil Queen Ravenna?

She's back...in a Flashback Scene.  Otherwise, you know, she's dead.

The Film- with Liam Neeson narrating- dumps a whole bunch of new backstories that are adjacent to the other Film, including a new Villain, the origin of the Huntsman and some retcons.

We learn that he was kidnapped by the Queen's Sister- Freya- who gained her ice powers when- let me check my notes- her Husband BURNS THEIR BABY TO DEATH IN ITS CRIB!

Damn!

She makes her own child army like some sort of African Warlord, which goes on until the now-adult Hemsworth here.

Him and a lady Soldier (Jessica Chastain) fall in love, which is a big no-no.

Freya doesn't believe in love- understandable- and makes them fight the other Soldiers when they plan to leave.

Freya puts a wall of ice between them and Hemsworth sees her stabbed to death.

He's supposed to be killed by the Soldiers, but they spare him (thus setting up how he is in the last Film).

Back in the Present, it has been 7 years since the last Film happened.

For some reason, the Magic Mirror is now suddenly tormenting Snow White('s double).

The Prince- in his one Scene- sends Hemsworth to find the mirror, which was being transported through the Woods and now is missing.

Along the way, he teams up with Nick Frost's Dwarf, Frost's Brother, two Lady Dwarfs and...his dead Wife?!?

Yeah, she wasn't dead.  They basically say that the ice wall showed them lies (she saw him run away in fear).

Speaking of not dead, it is supposed to be a big twist that Theron returns via the Magic Mirror...but she's in every piece of promotional material and Trailer.

Can she be stopped?
Can Freya turn over a new icicle?

I mean, you can guess, right?

A Film that is genuinely not terrible, but does have many issues.

The biggest one was actually addressed by Hemsworth later- the Tone.  He plays the Film like a mix of a fun Action Star (getting comically beaten up and doing one-liners) and a dour man.  It is more of the former this time.

The problem- him (and Nick Frost) are pretty much alone in that.  Everyone else plays this somber and serious.

Does that work?  No.

Visually, the Film does look nice.  The CGI looks a bit nicer, but also more obvious (if that makes sense).  Everyone has their own aesthetic, even if Chastain's is dark black.

The Plot is a bit of a mess, with the mix of Flashbacks, retcons and a finale which is about the same Villainess from the last Film.

I guess she's exempt from the 'only the fairest in the land can stop her' rule since she was revived via the Mirror.

For better or worse, the first Film had a consistent look and feel.

The Sequel is a big shiny mess that is also randomly bleak at times with no warning.

At least Charlize got practice for all of those Perfume Ads she does these days.

Next up, a return to my *physical* Film collection.  What will I dig up next?  Stay tuned...

Howl-o-Streaming: Damien (2016)

 2016 was a big year for Horror Films adapted to Television.  

We had two of note and this sure as Hell is one of them.

A War Photographer named Damien Thorn sees a strange woman speaking to him in a Foreign (even to where he is, to be clear) Language.

He's sent back home, but this seems to have triggered something in him.

He keeps seeing her and people seem to act very strangely around him.

He's flustered and in pain when he goes in a Church...

Things keep falling apart in his life as his girlfriend is drowned...in mud.

A different woman from his past- Barbara Hershey- promises him answers and, well, he doesn't like them.

True Story- when she first appeared, I said to myself 'Is that Barbara Hershey?'

I then realized that I couldn't think of WHY I recognized her right away...and I still don't.

Violence and death begin to surround Damien and the people that should be able to help him- some Nuns- are not doing what he thinks they should.

A Cult of Worshippers- including famous 'That Guy' Scott Wilson- want him to rise to power, while others want him dead.

Can the Sister of his love save him?
What about a Cop who is aways one step behind everything?

To find out, watch the Show now.  It is (for better or worse), a one-and-done Series.

A good Show, even if it suffers from the usual problems that 'Prestige Television' always seems to.

Here's the thing- these kinds of Shows are long and drawn out.  You never watch an Episode where NOTHING of note happens, but you always get them spaced out over an Hour.

This Format does allow for the material to 'breathe' (as it were) and that is good.  That said, it sometimes takes the kind of breath you take after going for a jog.

Like I said, the Show delivers what you would expect from a Damien Show.  

Is it better than The Omen 3?  Yes.  Very yes.

That said, the things that make it a Damien Show- the bleak tone, violent deaths, unpleasant mood and unsettling images- are going to limit the Audience.

Is that why it only got 1 Season?  Dunno.

For what it is worth, I do like this as a one-and-done Show.  

Without SPOILERS, it puts things in a good place for things to play out in a Film (that hasn't been made).  

Without a Season 2, it might be a bit of a sudden stop, but I found it satisfying.

It also features a lady who looks like a Live Action version of the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who.

A good- if stretched out to fit a set amount of time- Show all around.  It is bleak, dark and violent...but what did you expect?

Tubi Thursday: Krampus 2- The Devil Returns (2016)

 So back in 2016, I reviewed the 2013 Film Krampus: The Christmas Devil.
In 2016, they also released a Sequel.

In 2022, I finally covered it.
I wished that I had waited until 2032...

Krampus is back in this small Town and is kidnapping kids.

The first one we see is a kid who breaks into an empty House to vandalize it.  His friend is there too, so...death, I guess.

It has been 5 years since the last Film and that one's Hero (of sorts) has been hiding out.

He's called back in to help solve the kidnappings, which is happening earlier this year.

Is he Tom Green now?

That sardonic Santa is back and he's passing on his Naughty List (which is just a boring piece of paper) to Krampus.

Also, yes, these shots were done the same way.

Lazy Cinematography is lazy.

Making things harder is this Crime Boss Guy (with like 4 goons) who wants to kill our Hero on account of him killing his Brother (friend of the Site Bill Oberst Jr.).

What does this mean for the Film?

It means that KRAMPUS- the Title Character- is just gone for the next 30+ minutes.  Joy.

Will our Heroes be able to stop Krampus and/or the Criminals?
Will I be able to stay awake during this dreary Film?

To find out, stream it now...I guess...Ho Ho Ho?

Wow, this...is not good.  I was hoping to have softened on this in the 6 Years since I saw the original Film.

Nope.  Still sucks.  Alot.

It is dark, dreary and pretty listless.  It's just so uninteresting.  The Acting is not good enough to liven things up when you get such 'rich' settings as An Empty House, a barely lit Bar, a Barn and someone's barely lit House.

Why is it so hard to make a Krampus Film?  Oh right- they didn't make one.

This is a 'Krampus Film' where the guy barely does anything but kills a few random people and... that's it.  Again- he's barely in this Film.

I guess I'll stick with the old stuff from the Comics...

A Film that isn't about what it should be.  Just make a fun Krampus Film, folks- it's not difficult!

Rip-Off Cover Art: Zombies Have Fallen (2017)

 Do we need more Zombies Films?

Apparently 'yes,' at least if you ask everyone that makes Films.

As such, here is a 2017 Film about Zombies...

Are you getting Deja Vu?

I know I am.

Is there a Film that came out in 2016 that *might* have inspired this one?

To be fair, the Flag is the first thing you think of when you think of London (if you don't live in London or the UK).

That said, it's the same layout, Title Font Color and overall look.

Funny bonus: the Zombies Film was shot in Scotland!

Import/Export: Dick Maas' Uncaged/Prey (2016)

 A Film that comes from the Netherlands, makes it big in China and then shows up in America.  What could this be?

If you are a Chinese-Native Reader of the site, first, welcome.  Secondly, you'll know the Film as 2019's ‘Violent Fierce Lion.’

Despite not being a hit anywhere else, it made lots of Yuan in China!

In (not New, but Old) Amsterdam, a Cameraman and a Zoo Biologist/Veterinarian are in a rocky relationship.

Well, danger can bring you together!

Said danger comes in the form of an escaped Lion, that proceeds to kill a number of people.

Since this is not an American Film, kids actually die (off-screen, mind you).

 
Just a heads up.

The deaths continue as the Police don't do nearly enough to stop it.

There's some Social Commentary about how the Press don't believe it.

That sure does nothing to help this poor guy.

Said Lion is a mix of (mostly bad) CGI and (pretty unrealistic-looking) prosthetics/animatronics.

I'm glad that you get to see the beast...but I wish it looked better.

Can our intrepid Heroes stop the Lion?  Will they somehow keep shooting it to no effect?

Did I somehow make it to the end of this Review without joking that the Director is a dick (since his name is Dick Maas)?

To find out the answer to TWO of those questions, stream the Film.  It's on Amazon Prime or other services.

A pretty fun, if kind of cheap Film.  Is it mean to pick on a Film for its Budget?  Maybe. 

 Will I keep doing it?  Yes.

  Simply put, the Movie is a bit too ambitious.  They want to show the Lion in action...and can't do a great job of it.  There's a part that should be amazing where it chases a guy who is on a Moped.

  Unfortunately, the CGI Lion has a 'floaty' quality that takes away from the visual of it running full speed.  Later bits do work better, so it is not like they *couldn't* do it at all.

  They do commit the Cardinal Sin of Movie a CGI Animal- showing a real one.  Once you see a real Lion about halfway through, the animatronic one's face takes on a real Uncanny Valley feel.  Some Scenes that should be really scary just quite aren't when you can tell that you're looking at either sprites or something that the Henson Company would have rejected.

  The Dubbing here- I watched it that way for convenience sake- is alright, but a bit spotty.  I'd stick with the original Language if I were you.  Hey, if you want to see Jaws with a Lion and in Amsterdam, this is a solid pick.  

If you expect something just above a B-Movie, you can accept the budgetary issues.

  Just don't mix the Film up with 2007's Prey or a *different* Film from 2016 that is also called Uncaged...

A simple, but effective Thriller that is hurt by its Budget.  It wouldn't be a great Film with more money...but it would have helped.

New Crap: The Curse of Robert (The Doll) (2016)

 Who is the real dummy- me or him?  The tale of a not-at-all-scary Doll has been turned into a Series of Films, so let's look at the second one...

As a reminder, this is Robert the Doll.
He resides in a Museum in Key West, Florida.

I haven't visited him yet.  Should I?

This is Robert the (Movie) Doll.  

He looks like a cross between Chucky and the old Bucs Coach who they said looked like Chucky.
He resides in a Museum in Swansea, England.

Our Story involves a quartet of people working at the Museum.

It all happens at night for a few reasons...

1) Atmosphere

2) Lazy Writing

3) No Budget to show actual people in the Museum.

Seriously, not one Scene that I can recall showing this REAL Museum full of people going by the Robert the Doll Exhibit that they must have set up for the Film!

As deaths start to pile up in the Film's small Cast (I counted 7 people of note), will they solve the mystery?

The two survivors try to clear their names (in spite of the lack of evidence) and look into the Doll's past.

Will the Mother help them?  Will they give her the same lazy backstory as the Mom from Child's Play 2?

On top of all that, what bizarre backstory will they suddenly add for the Doll and its Creator?

To find out, stream the Film.

Bad doll- stay in your chair!  This is really not great.  The idea of the Doll killing people- fine.  It is not original in the slightest, but its fine.  The execution is just where it suffers.  This is a Low-Budget Film in all of the worst ways.  They have no real Atmosphere, barely 2 Sets and no good effects.  In 2016, you can't make a Doll appear to be moving in full-frame.  When I'm watching a Puppet Master Film from like 1987, I get it.  We are way past that point though!  The Doll only moves when half of it is not visible- it's just sad.  The Doll also doesn't look that great.  The kills are pretty lackluster, since they rely on all sorts of camera and story cheats to work.  How can the Doll overpower a grown man?  Why does a woman recoil with no energy from something she could easily kick over?  How does cutting one side of a neck instantly kill you?  Why does it take an hour for someone to fight back?  On top of that, the Film is padded more than a used mattress!  The Opening Credits take a good 5 minutes due to them just being shots of her driving to the Museum intercut with black Title Cards.  The Film actually ends a good 10 minutes before it truly does, if that makes sense.  The Story is over...so now let's watch a guy walk in real time to sell the Doll to a guy.  As you can see above, the Budget didn't go into that terribly-fake-looking old age make-up used either.  Oh great- a Prequel.  Here's hoping that it ends up being the best Film yet (low bar, admittedly) like with Puppet Master.  Oh and there's a real danger Google Image Searching for Robert the Doll- you often get insane stuff like this!

A really dull, drawn out Film that didn't look like it had any Budget.  These things can be fun...if they try and get creative.  Too bad.

Buy or Cel?: The X-Men vs. Apocalypse (Part 2)

 Another X-Men Show did a big Story Arc with Apocalypse, so let's compare that to the Film too...

In one corner, we have the Blue Man and his Group from X-Men: Apocalypse...

...vs. The Saga of Apocalypse from the oft-ignored X-Men: Evolution.

In contrast to the Film, SOOOO much time is spent building up to the arrival/return of Apocalypse.

Throughout Season 3, we see Mesmero working for 'someone' in a scheme that involves brain-washing our Heroes to steal stuff.

It turns out to be keys to Doors that Apocalypse is sealed behind.

Season 3 formally ends (it has a one-off to actually finish) with a battle to stop the last Door from opening...which fails.

They also accidentally deliver his ship to him, setting up the final Season.

Throughout the condensed 4th Season, we get build-up for Apocalypse's plan as his Pyramids pop up and draw the ire of many, including Magneto, who is seemingly-killed by the Villain.

In the End, all of the Heroes must unite to stop the Villain and his Horsemen.  It is actually a small, forgotten Character that seals the almighty Apocalypse's fate.

Good stuff.

Weird fact worth noting: on Evolution, Apocalypse recruits/steals 4 Mutants to be his Horsemen- Mystique (set up in Season 3), Magneto, Professor Xavier and Storm.

In X-Men: Apocalypse, he recruits another 4 Mutants for his Horsemen- Angel, Psylocke, Magneto and Storm.

Also Mystique is key in stopping him here, so seeing her as his stead is obviously different.
Lastly, I'll note that there's a soft tease for Phoenix here, as opposed to SUPER IN YOUR FACE one in the Film.

Once again, the Film isn't bad.  The Film has some big ambitions.  It tries to introduce new Characters like Storm, Psylocke and the villain, while also trying to build off of Character Plots like Magneto's.

It's just not as interesting as a long-running, mystery build throughout numerous Episodes like on the Show.  Another win for that format- fair or not.

They make the arrival of Apocalypse out to be a huge deal and, in fact, the Series arguably is built around it.  Apocalypse tries to activate the dormant X-Gene of everyone on Earth, which is a jump-start to evolution.  Say- that's the Title!

The Film, again, used none of its predecessors to do any of this work, save for a vague Teaser at the end of 'Days of Future Past' (a future induction, no doubt).

So, with no disrespect to the Film, the choice is obvious- Cel.

I'll leave you with this.  For the wrap-up (since Season 5 wasn't greenlit), the Producers show a flash-forward tease of what they would have done.  That includes, naturally, The Dark Phoenix Saga!

As a bonus, I'll point out that Wolverine and the X-Men (the most recent X-Men Show) only got one Season, but did a tease for a future Season 2.  That tease- Apocalypse!

Next time, let's jump over to DC.  With all of the talk about another cut, let's compare the birth of the Justice League!  See you then...

Buy or Cel: The X-Men vs. Apocalypse (Part 1)

 As I'm still in an X-Men mood, let's look at a more general comparison.

Let's see how the '90s Animated Show handled Apocalypse versus the recent live-action Film...

So this one is a less direct one.  Apocalypse appears in Season 1 for 2 Episodes and then pops up intermittently throughout the main run...until Season 4.

In contrast, Fox used Apocalypse as the Villain for the 3rd Film in the Revival Series (which is not quite a Reboot, but not quite a Sequel to the Original Trilogy).

Which one did it best?

In the titular Film, the big blue guy is awakened, forms his 4 Horsemen and then tries to use everyone's nukes to destroy them.

Hey, remember when X-Men: First Class was all about Nuclear Weapons being unleashed?
Also...this guy isn't scary.  At all.

For comparison, we see the culmination of Apocalypse's big plans (and lots of dangling sub-plots and characters) in the 4-Part 'Beyond Good & Evil.'

There's alot to unpack here- and I did it here- but the gist of it is this...

He's kidnapping Psychics- including Jean Grey and random background Extras like Moondragon, Mesmero and Rachel Summers- as part of a plan to destroy Time itself.

It directly involves the X-Men, many villains like Mr. Sinister, Bishop and Cable.
It is weird!

Weird overlaps- Magneto ends up working with Apocalypse and later betraying him (when his plan turns out to be bonkers) both times.

He's promised that his Wife can be revived...in both the Show and Film.

As a bonus, Mystique also plays a part in both, although she's with Magneto in the Show and against him in the Film.

Also also Psylocke is introduced and Archangel returns/is introduced in both versions.

There's not much of a contest, is there?  The Show uses its Format to its advantage quite well.  Being deep in Season 4, they have LOTS to build upon.  For instance, Bishop is placed where he is in the Story due to him time-traveling back home *from a previous Episode.*  Yes, Time-Travel played a big role throughout the Series.  Hell, this isn't even the first one to involve Apocalypse!  By having a whole lot of build-up already done for them (by them, to be fair), they can tie the Plot to Scott & Jean's relationship, the Mr. Sinister Story Arc, Bishop's Plot, Cable's Plot, Archangel's Plot and more.  By doing so much work, they can make almost all of this pay off quite well.  In contrast, the Film did pretty much no build-up for Apocalypse here, only teasing him at the end of the last Film.  As we'll see later, you can build up Apocalypse well in subtle ways without making it all about him.  They didn't need to have him cast or anything- just build up the imminent threat for the 3rd Film.  Nope- none of that.  Speaking of wasted potential, Oscar Isaac as Apocalypse.  Is he scary?  No.  Does he look cool?  No.  Does he look like Ivan Ooze?  Yes.  He tries his best, but all of his dialog had to be done in post due to the noise that keeping his suit air-conditioned made- no joke!  On the Show, Apocalypse may look a little bit silly at times, but the late John Colicos gives a strong, vibrant performance.  He has to be one of the MVPs of this Show, no question! 

In this case, the obvious choice is Cel.  Just don't creep, fellas.

Next time, I want to give the 2016 Film a second chance.  In this case, I'll match it up with the big Apocalypse Story-Arc on the *next* X-Men Show...