Mondo Bizarro's Top 5 Worst Films EVER (So Far)

To close out Anniversary Month, let's look at the Five worst films I've ever reviewed.  Why 5?  Because you can't handle 10, that's why!

Actually, it's just shorter and easier to write- sue me.

5. Cthulhu (2007): This one makes the list almost solely for two reasons: deception and disappointment.  First, the film is NOT about Cthulhu, nor is his/its name even said ONCE in the film.  Second, the film has almost zero horror.  Instead, it's mostly a mopey drama about this gay guy returning home.  If you like 20 seconds of make-up effects in 90 minutes of film, you're not going to love this shit!

4. Good-By Uncle Tom: Almost 4 years later, this thing still baffles me.  Seriously, the makers of Mondo Cane and Mondo Africa were accused of being racist (they kind of were) and faking footage (which they did).  To counter that, they made an intentionally-fake Documentary about their analogs visiting the Antebellum South and seeing the conditions of Slavery.  This 150 plus minute film is dark, bizarre and only features three different songs.  It's a bad movie endurance test!

3. Hobgoblins 2: I still have no idea why this movie exists!  Basically, the Director of the original took a Script that he claims to have written shortly after the first film came out- in 1987- and made it in 2009.  No, really.  His excuse: I was busy making other shitty movies.  The bigger problem is that this film is both a Remake and a Sequel...somehow at the same time.  It's a worse version of Hobgoblins- something that I never thought I'd see.

2. Jaws in Japan: Are you really surprised?  For as much as I hate Found Footage movies, most of them are better than this.  This film- released here as Psycho Shark- is about two busty Japanese ladies (good so far) going to a beach resort (with only one other person) and...watching someone's camera footage.  Seriously, 60 minutes is given to this.  The last five minutes (yes, the film is only 65 minutes long) are set-up for Japan's worst Special Effects ever (see the new banner).  This is amazingly-bad and would be #1 if it were not for...

1. Roller Gator: I made a terrible mistake.  After seeing a review of Max Hell: Frog Warrior, I tracked down this movie.  I thought that this film would be funny, since it's about a rapping Alligator puppet that was spray-painted purple.  Sadly, the film has a soundtrack that never EVER stops, is stupid and not even good for a laugh.  If they stopped playing that guitar for a second or two, I could laugh at the bad puppet work or Conrad Brooks' hilariously-bad acting.  I couldn't.  Don't be fooled- this one just hurts.

So that brings an end to Anniversary Month.  I look forward to more shit movies- and some good ones- in the future.  Keep reading and I'll keep writing.

Shot On Shitteo: Roller Gator

Good Lord- I could not have imagined the horror of this film!  For the uninitiated, here's a quick summary to get you up to date.  Donald G. Jackson had one big film- Hell Comes to Frogtown.  He made a low-budget sequel and, well, kept making lower and lower-budget films.  He eventually met a friend and they made some truly awful-looking films.  I won't mention the friend's name, since he's in a bad mood these days.  In the midst of his continued goal to make bad films for no money, he made Roller Gator.  It's a film about a rapping, purple alligator.  Feel free to flee now if you want.  If you're still with me, you should know that it's biggest star is Joe Estevez, a working actor and brother of a more-famous working actor named Martin Sheen.  He appears in a lot of films like this, many by Jackson himself.  This film is as bad as it sounds for the obvious reasons, but sounds like it may have a weird charm to it.  Unfortunately, a dozen little things- and a few big ones- really ruin that.  To find out more about my trip to low-budget hell, read on...

The movie begins with a five-minute sequence of this blond woman and Joe Estevez wandering around an Amusement Park.  This is obviously a real Park, since people are constantly staring at the camera.  She finally exits that scene and goes to a beach...

...where she hears a cry for help.  It seems to be coming from...a purple, alligator puppet.  It was crying out for help, but doesn't want company.  If you think that's illogical, you obviously haven't noticed the Ninja just kind of hanging out in the background.

Joe Estevez is after the titular Gator.  Why?  He wants it to be a Side-Show attraction, of course.  To that end, he hires a Ninja to catch it.  Just to note: a Carnival Owner can hire a Ninja...why bother with with the talking Gator?

The Swamp Farmer- played by former-Ed Wood alumni Conrad Brooks- is trying to find the titular Gator.  If you didn't know that, he repeats this about 80 times...in every scene.

There's no way to get confused by this movie's plot- they hammer it through your damn skull!

Given that the budget of this movie can't be more than $20,000, it's no surprise that the Puppeteering work is awful.  Could you make it less obvious, movie?!?

In 80 minutes, this is the closest thing you get to an action scene.  A woman riding Rollerblades with a puppet in her backpack being pursued by a Ninja on a skateboard.  Please kill me now.

Just a quick aside before the plot wrap-up: this movie can't keep the people in focus properly.  Look at the left-hand corner of the picture!  This guy has made dozens of films by this point, but fails at this?!?

A pretty weak battle between a character called Karate Instructor and the Ninja takes place.  After that, the Swamp Farmer finally shows up and the two live happily ever after.  As for Estevez...

...his actions against the Gator led to him getting The Curse of the Gator...from, um, God, I guess.  This effect is so cheap that Estevez has to pull the mouth into place to make it look like he's biting.  The End.

I was wrong- I was horribly wrong!  I thought that this movie would be good, stupid fun.  Unfortunately, this movie kills its potential like that guy I met in the Alley three hours ago.  Don't tell anybody, okay?  So what are the problems with this movie?  First up, it looks cheap.  There's no way around it.  You could be making the next Ran, but if you filmed it for $1,000 in a Parking Lot, it would be awful.  Second, the acting is really bad.  Estevez is fun here, but he is the only good person here.  On the plus side, Conrad Brooks shows us that 50 plus years of experience still can't make you a good Actor.  Sorry, Conrad.  Third- the Soundtrack.  I didn't mention it yet, but here's the thing.  To truly understand how annoying the music is, re-read this review very slowly and play a single Guitar instrumental the entire time.  If it takes you 80 minutes to read this and you never stop playing the song, you have experienced Roller Gator.  That's not counting the bad rapping by the Gator, the dull delivery of every actor not named Estevez and the barely-in-focus camera work.  On one hand, it's a sight to behold.  On the other hand, watching an Elephant rape a Giraffe would be a sight to see.  It would be a horrible sight, but it would be memorable.  As a bonus, the film includes a cameo by one of the residents of Frogtown...just because.  Why?!?!?!?

Next up, a week of original films versus their TV Remakes.  First up, Corman's classic film about fish people wanting to knock up ladies.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Return to Frogtown

You pretty much have no expectations of quality, do you? Well, you are in the right frame of mind. A lot of people don't realize/care that Hell Comes to Frogtown actually spawned three sequels! Seriously, three of them! We would probably five or six had the director not died of natural causes in 2003. It was too late for us to avoid this movie though. Unlike the original, it does not star "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. That could be a positive or a negative really. Unfortunately, the latter is far more applicable for this movie. Sit down and revel in the crap that is...

Return to Frogtown

The movie begins with a very brief- and misleading- recap of the first movie. Basically, the Frog people were put down, but plan their revenge. It begins with Lou Ferrigno 'flying' over the wasteland of Texas. The Superman flight in the Kirk Alyn serials looked more convincing! A small group of frog commandos shoots him down and he crashes into a lake. Lou is captured and taken to their base. Their leader is called by the same name as the General from the first film, but is hidden is silhouette until the end. Do you smell a plot twist?

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To rescue him, a female agent is sent in to the enemy territory. Of course, she is joined by Sam Hell, who has become a *snicker* Texas Rocket Ranger in the five years since Hell. Oh wait, she's actually joined by this  Sam Hell. Yeah, we are not fooled movie. Anyhow, fake 'Sam' flies in and settles in for the night. The duo stays with a generically-crusty old soldier with an eye-patch. Other than adding color, he adds absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, Lou is being subjected to some experiments by the amphibians. Their plan: make him one of them! It's never clear how this will exactly turn the tide, but, whatever. When you consider who their head scientist is, it all makes as much sense as is possible.

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The movie is a series of action scenes, captures and escapes from here on out. The lady gets captured and does a PG-13 striptease (just like in the original). She is locked up with Lou, who is now covered in spots of green grease paint. Sam rescues her, but not everything goes well. All of it builds up to a long, boring shoot-out in a western town right out of the worst westerns ever made (i.e. Corman's Gunslinger, etc.). Lou is given a tiny shotgun to use and beats other Frogs up with his super-strength. He did not have that before, mind you, just now. All of this builds up to Sam vs. the mysterious general who is...the twin brother of the dorky scientist in a big helmet. He proceeds to have a sword fight with our hero and ends up being blown up in a very low-rent explosion. Despite being half-frog, Lou is alright and the day is saved. Is it over now? Thank God.

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From the first shot to the credits, this movie screams 'low-budget crap.' The whole thing is filmed in burned-out building, studio back lots and open fields. The frog masks don't look completely terrible, but they are still very much masks. The plot is...well, barely a plot. It is a loose story that gets people from Point A to Point B and that is it. The real slap in the face for the movie is the DVD release. Netflix carries it on a double-film DVD with some random kid's film called Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang. As one commenter said, "I don't understand why they bundled them, seems really stupid, but they did." The same kind of logic was used in the film itself, so where is the surprise? Do yourself a favor and watch anything else.

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What goes better than cannibals than John Saxon? Stay tuned...