Tubi Thursday: V/H/S 2 (2013)

 After finally covering the Original last week, I might as well do the Sequel.

Is this a tape you'd want to return or never bring back to Blockbuster?

In the Framing Device (aka Tape 49), a man who films people for money (like a Private Detective) is hired to find a missing man.

Him and his girlfriend go to that guy's house...and he leaves her to watch the tapes.

In 'Phase 1 Clinical Trials,' a man- Adam Wingard- is given a cybernetic eye as a Trial.

Unfortunately, this leads him to see weird things, like a bloody man and child.

In 'A Ride in the Park,' a man goes for a nice bike ride before meeting a woman in need of help.

He's bitten and transforms into something strange.

Call on the horde.

In 'Safe Haven,' a group of Investigative Journalists meet up with a man leading a strange Cult.

He agrees to let them film him and his people at the Compound, but things go horribly awry.

I'm shocked...

In 'Slumber Party Alien Abduction,' a group of kids mess with the Sister and Boyfriend (who is over while the Parents are out).

The games end when Aliens show up!

To see the Film version of this, go here.

We get the wrap-up in 'Tape 49,' but it is pretty quick.

The End.

This is a marked improvement.  It's like going from Prom Night to Hello, Mary Lou: Prom Night 2.

The Framing Device doesn't feature terrible people, take too long and not be that interesting.  Yea!

The first Tale also gets to the point quite a bit quicker as well.  The hook is nice too.

The second Tale is probably too gory for many people, but worked well overall.

'Safe Haven' is apparently the most well-liked (and well-known) part of this whole Film.

The finale Tale is a freaky one that actually makes the Grey Aliens scary for once.

Are there problems?  Sure.
The Film Segments definitely rely too much on the 'Person looks away' or 'Camera glitches up' to cover up for Effects that would be expensive to do.

The usual.

That said, I still enjoyed this one more and I could see myself revisiting this in whole, as opposed to maybe one segment or two in the last one.

Now put on a happy face!

A Film with higher highs and not as low lows as the last one.  It is still loud and random though- don't worry.

Shudder Day: Satanic Hispanics (2022/3)

 At long last, I get around to this.

Shudder is just full of Horror Anthologies and this one has been hyped up a bit.

In the Framing Device, the lone survivor of a massacre is acting both really vague and really urgent.

They ask him about stuff from his pockets, setting up the Stories.

In the first Tale, a man is obsessed with two things- not doing anything with his life and patterns.

Well, the latter comes into play in a way that he could not have foreseen.
It might affect the former pretty drastically.

In the second Tale (by Eduardo Sanchez), we learn about a Vampire enjoying a night out on the Town.

It takes a comedic turn, however, when the 'poor guy' has to get home before sunrise and he didn't take Daylight Savings into account.

Desposito!

In the third Tale, a man is haunted by trauma...and a very real threat.

He's made an enemy of a Bruja (aka a Witch) and there's going to be hell (or blood) to pay!

In the finale Tale (by the Director of Juan of the Dead), a man (Jonah Ray Rodrigues) is the last survivor of a group that was cursed for observing a dark ritual.

Can he take matters into his own hands to save himself?

The whole thing wraps up as the man's warnings about how he can't linger really turn out to be true.

Let's just say that the Police Station in The Terminator had it better off.

What will happen to the stranger?

To find out, Stream it now.

Another fun Horror Anthology with the same strengths and weaknesses.

As always, the mix of Stories can be a good one- like Chocolate and Cherries-, an alright one- like Chocolate and Oranges- or a just plain bad one- Chocolate and Anchovies.

So, you have the Intro Tale which is a bit of a slow burn right away. 
The second one is fun and perhaps might have been a good one to actually start with. 
The third one is very dark and violent, providing a stark contrast to the last one.
The final one is a funny one again, so perhaps having it to bookend the Film's Story Section would have been best.

That said, I enjoyed all of the Stories on their own, especially the Framing Device.

As always, my ranking (which doesn't mean that one is bad, to be clear)- Framing Device, Vampire, Jonah Ray's one, the first Tale and then the Bruja one.
I am counting the finale- which is great!- with the Framing Device, so it does give it an edge.

All in all, a fun Film with some really neat ideas and direction.

Now if you don't mind, I need to cut my fingernails...

Seriously, this one is well-done.  A good-to-great Anthology makes me want to seek out the other Directors' works and this is no exception.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Altered

The life of a cop is not glamorous, especially in a small 'hick' town like the one in Altered.  This leads into the sad death of a nice cop...

Hearing reports of noise from our hero's house, the guy shows up to investigate...and have a beer.

All of the fun ends when he hears the woman in the other room scream, leading to a showdown with the now-loose alien.  As you can see, it doesn't go well for him.

As if that weren't enough, he ends up being tossed in a cage meant for the alien, since one of the other heroes wants to torture it first!  Not a nice end for a nice man.

If only you hadn't done your job for just one night....if only.

Next up, an animal faces a tragic death for no reason.  To make matters worse, fate finds a way to scream him even more.  Stay tuned...

After 'Blair Witch': Seventh Moon

Eduardo, do you never change?  This film is Sanchez's third film and...is pretty much his first film.  It should be called The Blair Witch Project, But... instead of this.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but it's in China.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but it's focusing on only two people.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but it's got a fairly-famous star in it, thus killing the potential realism of it.  It's The Blair Witch Project, but there's no excuse for the terrible camerawork this time.  You see, there's no conceit that the movie is being filmed by the actors- thank God.  No, it's just shitty, in-your-face camerawork for no good reason.  Imagine if Godzilla was shot like Cloverfield, essentially.  The movie has a kind of neat premise, if you can get past the execution.  To see what that is, read on...

Our heroes are a young, married couple who are spending their honeymoon in China.  Who needs an introduction when we can get awkward, shaky cam of them in the city?

As they are getting a taxi back to their Hotel that night, something goes awry.  By the way, normal films can shoot inside of cars without nearly rubbing the lens on the actors' faces- I'm just saying!

While on the drive, some strange, pale thing runs in front of the car.  World's worst streaker or one of the film's monsters- you decide!

Uh oh, all is not well.  After wandering for a bit- when the driver abandons them- our heroes find this wounded man.  What did this to him?  I wonder.

I hope you don't like seeing the action, because this film is in love with 'natural lighting.'  Translation- no lighting.  Joy.

Who are the weird, white creatures?  Why are they loose during this Moon?  Will our heroes escape?  If you want to know, see the movie...if you still care to.  The End.

Hold the damn camera straight and turn on a bloody light!  The plot of this movie is alright.  Essentially, two people get forced into a dangerous situation, wander around and react to danger.  There's nothing new here.  They spice the blandness up with the Chinese setting and folklore surrounding what amount to zombies/cannibals/crazed killers, etc.  Other than that, you've seen this movie.  Speaking of 'seeing this movie before,' this movie, as stated above, is a Blair Witch knock-off.  It's by one of the two Directors- the other of whom would rip it off the following year- but it still counts.  It's the equivalent of Rumplestiltskin, a film by the Writer/Director of Leprechaun.  It's almost worse when you do this!  I didn't want to hate this movie, but I have no choice.  It's really hard to follow, the characters are either dull or unlikable and the whole thing is just disorienting.  If this movie was not shot like Blair Witch and was a bit more competent, I might have given it more of a chance.  Try again, Eduardo!  Take us away, combination of no lighting and super-close-up...

Next up, a week of infamously-bad movies (as opposed to my normal stuff).  First up, the film that pissed off an entire generation of Nintendo fans.  Stay tuned...

After 'Blair Witch': Altered

Rednecks & Aliens.  Eduardo Sanchez is just about as prolific as Daniel Myrick when it comes to movies.  His films, however, are not so good.  Case in point: this uneven film from 2006.  Never heard of it?  You're in good company, as I only stumbled across it by accident.  The plot is simple: rednecks capture an alien and seek revenge.  With a budget of $8 million, what kind of action can we get though?  Not that all big-budget films are good, but we have to set our expectations properly.  Oddly, this film is very gory, but was originally planned to be a comedy.  That must have been some comedy script!  To see a film that talks about major events instead of showing them, read on and prepare to be...

In a 'cold open,' our heroes chase...something in the Woods and eventually catch it...off-camera.  Off to a good start.

The trio take it to their friend, who does not want it.  When his girlfriend/fiancee gets too close, he has no choice.  What is it exactly?

It looks like they caught the missing 6th Ninja Turtle (after Venus De Milo, of course).  It has to be building up to something right...

Correct.  It's one pissed off alien!  You see, our heroes were abducted by these guys years ago and they killed their friend.  Now, they want revenge...but it's not going too well.  How can you tell?

When the creature is holding on to one half of your intestines like a cat playing with some string, that's how.  Ew.

Things get worse and worse, in spite of the alien being held captive to be tortured.  You see, if they kill him, the rest will come and destroy the Earth.  Seems fair.

If I can keep showing you shots of the alien- the film's only good aspect- I can distract you from the fact that the film's hero becomes a whiny little bitch.

I won't SPOIL too much, but I will show you that this happens.  The End.

Is one good suit enough?  The plot of this film is decent, but it suffers from a lot of problems.  For one, the film's key moments are not actually shown.  We hear all sorts of horror stories about the alien abduction, but never see it.  Not that they had to show a lot- a little goes a long way.  Hell, we don't even get the 'P.O.V. shot of the man staring up at the lights' cliche- nothing!  You can't just go 'It was horrible that one time that zombies came out of the ground and nearly killed us' and get away with it.  The only draw here is the horror aspects involving the captured alien and the suit.  That's one damn good suit.  Why is the movie not centered more around this thing?  Is it possible that someone could buy said suit and put it in a better movie?  Seriously though, the film really drags for a long time and is only salvaged by that suit and a flash of good effects at the end.  On the plus side, it's Sanchez' best film out of the two this week...

Up next, Eduardo Sanchez returns to familiar territory.  Translation: this is going to be blurry and annoying.  Stay tuned...