A.I. Hate This: Android Apocalypse

Stop making me watch these movies, Chris Jericho!  My love for the performer makes me willing to watch just about anything he's been in.  Considering that he's wrestled for the CNWA, CRMW, FMW, CMLL,WAR, ECW, WCW and the WWE, it's a lot to see.  His film career, however, is less stellar and broad.  Not counting wrestling DVDs, he only has three films officially via Netflix: Albino Farm, MacGruber and this film.  Having read Chris Jericho's second book, I can tell you that he doesn't think a whole lot about this movie.  Seriously, his book spends about a paragraph on it- tops!  This Sci-Fi Channel film is essentially Enemy Mine, but with robots.  On the plus side, Jericho is in it...for about twenty minutes.  Hey- I'll take what I can get.  To see how much this film really has to offer, read on.  Put a stop to Cyberdyne before we get the...

In a world full of crime, a scientist has been pushing for robots to really do something about it.  There was also some sort of nuclear war, but it's quickly glossed over.  A group of androids- including Joey Lawrence and Chris Jericho- are sent out to save a Senator's son, which is apparently the most important task available.  Those with a keen eye will note that Jericho is not in a background shot later- why?!?  Anyhow, we meet our hero- a coal miner who is laid off when he refuses to work with androids.  He goes out drinking at a bar where people fight for money in the background.  The toughest fighter: Chris Jericho!  Our hero tries to get into a fight himself, but the cops show up.  What was exactly illegal here?  Later that night, our hero and his friend are out drinking when they provoke Jericho.  A fight breaks out, but, sadly, it turns against Jericho and he gets killed when his head is smashed up against a brick wall repeatedly.  What kind of metal are these androids made out of- aluminum?!?  The guy is arrested for 'android murder' and ends up chained to an android (Lawrence) who's being shipped to the same facility for repairs.  Whose idea was it to have the robot factory and the prison in the same building?!?

A rogue robot right out of the Terminator franchise shoots up the transport and our heroes escape.  This is where the movie is just blatantly Enemy Mine.  The two fight, make up and walk around a desert.  I think that we can all agree that the 'heroes walk through the desert' scene is the movie equivalent of the 'Sewer Level' in video games.  That's why folks love Gerry, I guess.  Moving on...

Eventually, the pair get split up.  Our human hero ends up in a mine with his wife.  On the plus side, they're back together...in forced labor.  The android works against his creator, since the guy is so obsessed with android dominance that he turned himself into one!  Isn't that kind of like doing brain surgery on yourself?  As you can imagine, humans and the android fight together against the villain and his random robots.  Good triumphs over evil as I'm left wondering why Chris Jericho isn't in more of this movie.  The End.

Yeah, you've seen this movie.  The plot of this movie is by-the-books and tries nothing that unique.  I know I've mentioned it before, but most of the film is Enemy Mine- just with aliens switched out for androids.  A lot of questions are raised- how much humanity do androids have, are they slaves, do humans really deserve what they get- but none of them are really raised.  The answers are excised in favor of an evil villain trying to take over the world- of course- in the name of android freedom.  Been there, done that.  The movie is so stock that I think that they sell it to put on meat in supermarkets!  Nothing all that interesting after Jericho is killed and Joey Lawrence cannot act- even when you consider that he's supposed to be emotionless.  If you like generic, Sci-Fi Channel films, this is one of them.  Take us away, Jericho's double for no reason...

Next up, a film involving a bad comedian, a bad wrestler-turned-actor and a fake action star.  Hello, bad blue screen!  Stay tuned...

Half-Nelson Cinema: Albino Farm

If you love generic, 'hillbilly attack' films, this...is one of them.  Seriously, this is not much of a film 'event' or anything.  'Teens' go out into the woods and get attacked by monstrous people- that's it.  I suppose that I should explain why I rented this then.  One word: Jericho.  I love Chris Jericho as a performer, whether he's body-slamming people or insulting them.  This is the guy who found time to retort a fan's comment to him during a match!  He's just awesome.  Unfortunately, his IMDB page is not.  For all you non-wrestling fans, here's what happened.  Come mid-2005, Jericho was burned out on the sport & left to do other activities.  The films he did include this film and Android Apocalypse, as well guest-spots on two TV shows & a cameo in MacGruber.  It's pretty clear why he returned to wrestling in late-2007, huh?  This film exists and happens to feature Chris, so here is is.  Don't bother packing your sunscreen because we'll be staying inside at the...

In a sepia-toned flashback, two kids ride up to a locked gate.  One of them goes past the gate, but gets grabbed...leading to the opening credits.  Hello, context.  The film proper begins with a group of students in a car- how original.  The group is driving through the South as part of a project studying other cultures.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that your teacher didn't mean 'hicks' when she assigned it!  They talk for a bit before swerving to avoid hitting a child that's standing in the road.  They stop to see if he's okay, only to learn that he's...a midget.  Oh, the terror!  The guy runs off with his hard-earned roadkill, but the car was apparently messed up by...um, the stopping.  This is important because it requires them to stop and meet a blind man at a gas station so that they can get another tire.  He tells them that there's a legend of an Albino Farm, but tells them that he won't say any more.  By the way, I now about a secret gold stash behind the house of every single person who reads this.  You may have to dig up your yards to get it, but I won't say any more.  They stop at a Tent Revival, but leave quickly.  The point of this: just to show that it exists for the finale.  They go into town, where I'm sure that Jericho will show up.

In a Diner, the guys oggle their waitress until they see that she has a Penguin-style hand.  A car drives around, stalking them.  The group split up, the annoying couple going in one direction and the real stars going to a Church.  The former spot a dumb kid and go to see the car.  The other pair go to a Church and meet a nice, old lady.  Well, she's nice until they mention the words 'Albino Farm.'  She gets upset and just goes behind a door.  The other pair, meanwhile, meet the people in the car.  They are Chris Jericho...in a red-haired wig and his twin sons that look eerily like Randy Orton circa 2004.  That's a weird coincidence, right?  The guy agrees to show them the titular place in exchange for the woman getting groped by his sons.  They settle for her just flashing them, leading to her body double getting a bit of work.  They get dropped off at the gate with some flashlights and Jericho leaves.  No, come back!!!!  Back in town, the pair go to talk to the old lady some more (why?) and discover her breast-feeding an inbred mutant.  I'm not sure which part is supposed to be more gross!  They leave and eventually end up at the farm too.

Gee, you'll never guess what happens at the farm.  'Do mutants attack them one-by-one?  Do they subsequently kill off the lesser characters and, for no good reason, keep the main ones alive?'  Well, yes.  The jerk couple are killed off, but not before the guy gets molested by a mutant.  I didn't get enough of that in Hillside Cannibals- thanks!  The two lead characters are knocked out and have their right arms sewed together...for some reason that I can't figure out.  Oh right- it allows you to have a gory shot of them pulling them apart.  The guy- whose Indian heritage is never really a plot point in any way- gets wounded in a fall and sacrifices himself to blow up the cave.  Of course, his plan nearly gets the girl killed too.  She hobbles out of the area and wanders over to the Tent Revival.  It's here that she runs across the only Albino in the film- the Pastor at the event.  He gives a speech about God or something, which apparently pleases our shocked heroine.  Hey look- Jericho is back for one more scene...of him just sitting there.  I'm a bit confused as to what the point of this whole ending is, so I can't exactly SPOIL it properly.  The End.

How generic can you get?!?  The plot of this movie is, as I said, is very generic and uninspired.  It has all of the cliche aspects that this genre is known for.  Hell, all  that it's missing is a guy in a wheelchair and a crazy hitchhiker!  The only reason I even bothered with this film was Jericho's being in it.  Thanks, Jericho- you did this to me!  At least you made money off of being in the movie.  What was the appeal exactly?  Were you hurt because Android Apocalypse (future review- no doubt!) didn't get released in Theaters and that you were booted off of Celebrity Duets in the first episode?  Here's a thought: take up a better way of coping.  Have you tried drinking or hard drugs?  There's not much appeal to this movie.  Even the gore- the biggest selling point in most of these- shows up pretty late.  The characters aren't notable, the pacing is a bit off and the whole thing just feels pointless.  How do you feel about that, Jericho?

Next up, we take a complete 180 turn and cover a film Written and Directed by William Peter Blatty.  With a resume of only two films, will he get the job done here?  Stay tuned...