Thursday, July 27, 2017

Triple B Flix: Hard Hunted (1992)

Well, I've delayed this one long enough.  A while back, I took some time on one my days off from work to watch another Sidaris Film.  I'm getting closer to the end!  This is Hard Hunted, a 1992 Film whose Title seems like it would work better with the last Film.  This one is part of the 'Series within a Series' as it is one of three Films in which they battle Kane.  Sadly, it is still not the Wrestler.  The Plot involves the theft of a MacGuffin that Kane wants and everyone wants him not to have.  All of your favorite Characters are back!  I still don't remember most of their names, but they are here.  This one does a bit of an odd turn with one Character however.  I won't get into it just yet, but you'll see.  Is this more of the same or does something new happen?  To find out, read on...
So you remember how Pat Morita played 'Kane' last time.

Well, now he's this guy.  They just throw it out there and you have to accept it!
After the last Film, Kane is being watched by everyone.  When he steals a device that will help trigger a Nuke, they use their Agents to steal it.

To be super-subtle, a Talk Radio Host gives out not-so-subtle cues to the Agents.  Listen to the Radio, Kane!
Said Agent makes it to Arizona to meet with our Heroines...and is immediately shot to death when she gets there.

To be fair, she did wear that Squib Plate for no good reason!
So I guess Al Leong is back!  He's a new, not-dead bad guy who works for Kane.  Incidentally, the Villain brands all of his stuff (including that Jacket on the Film Logo).

Wait- did he produce the Film too?!?  That is his Logo and Film Adaptations of Missions are in-canon here.
So it becomes a multi-tiered battle for ownership of the MacGuffin.  Dona here is super-badass as she blows up a plane with a grenade, parachutes out to safety and...

...hits her head on a rock, instantly giving herself amnesia.  What in the what?!?
She hands up in the hands of The Guy Who Is In All of These, but he also tries to get more money than Kane will offer.

Oh and there's a Double Agent too.
There is one slight change here.  There are only THREE pointless Sex Scenes in the Film with our Leads.  Here's what makes it worse though...

That bottom one- that is with the Double Agent essentially Date Raping the amnesiac Dona!
She eventually gets her memories back, kills him with a Machete and eventually blows up Leong in his Helicopter.  If only it wasn't hanging on that wire!
To wrap things up, they let Kane get away AGAIN and their main Undercover Agent is still there.  See you in the Finale.  The End.
Mostly-forgettable, but still alright.  This one is okay.  It is just okay.  As I said before, the Plot really fits Do or Die better than Hard Hunted, so the Films really should have inverted Titles.  My best guess is that Sidaris came up with this Title too late and just 'had' to use it.  The basic Plot is fine, but just that- basic.  It is just a pretense for Action Scenes and Nudity- nothing more.  Now I have to address the odd things.  First- no Pat Morita.  I can't find anything on WHY he's not in this, but he did appear in 6 FILMS in 1992.  All I can figure is that he was done in one, but Sidaris didn't know it.  Instead of making this guy a new Villain who was perhaps Kane's Son, they just reshot one bit (the Agent giving Kane the necklace) to gaslight people into thinking he was always the Actor.  It is weird, but ultimately-meaningless.  Besides, I didn't have to hear about Pat Morita being 'excited' this time, so win-win.  Secondly, Dona's Arc.  It is just kind of weird to have her be a useless amnesiac for half of the Film.  I guess they make up for it by having her save the day.  It was just a weird choice for Sidaris to make.  Weird re-casting and use of an Actress aside, Hard Hunted is just alright.  It still doesn't quite know how to justify the Nudity.  For example, she's on the Radio...but needs to be topless in a hot tub?  Really?!?
Next time, I continue to dig through the random Films I've ended up with.  How about a Full Moon rarity for a change?  Stay tuned...

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Night of the Sharks

I feel like I should have seen this Movie by now.  Have I seen this Movie by now?

Who knows for sure?

In any event, Italy makes this look good!
 Flying Shark!  Giant Shark!  The Water is the sky!

I love it.

I didn't have to do much to the original, but here it is...

Does the Movie live up to it?

Quick Reviews: Sharknado- The 4th Awakens

Why couldn't Rifftrax do this one for me?!?  In any event, it is Shark Week and there's another one of these coming out, so...damn me to Hell...
After the 'Cliffhanger' Ending of the last Film, we get...a Parody Title Crawl and lazy Exposition.

Basically, this guy has made Pulse Weapon Towers that somehow instantly stop Tornados.  He also got The 'Hoff off of the Moon, rendering that Plot Point all the more silly.
Naturally, once Finn goes to Vegas (an 18 hour drive in 2 seconds)...a Sharknado happens.  How?

A Sand Storm hits the same Billionaire's Hotel that was full of Sharks.  The hurts!
Cue the same old crap.  'Celebrities' (like Susan Anton, Adrian Zmed and Brian Faustino) show up to die via Shark.

However, more Celebrities show up to just hang around, like Al Roker (since Matt Lauer learned his lesson), David Hasselhoff and...Gary Busey.
To up the ante, we get a series of new Sharknado variations.  I hope you enjoy names like Oilnados, Firenados and Bouldernados.

Yes, Bouldernados.  It is too bad someone already owns Stonados, huh?
If there was any doubt that this Series was just plain stupid, just watch this GIF.
No, I won't explain that one.  At all.

On the plus side, Gilbert Gottfried.  I'll take what I can get.  The End.
Dumb.  Stupid.  Pointless.  All of these are descriptions for this Film that feel appropriate.  I sat in front of my Computer (since I'd rather not announce that I'm watching it while it is happening) and must have flipped off my Screen at least 4x.  It isn't funny.  It isn't dramatic.  It is just dumb.  You 'jumped the Shark' even more than the last time.  Just a reminder- the last one had Sharks in Space!!!  This one also loves to make 'jokes' out of 'I referenced a Movie.'  You get The Wizard of Oz, The Terminator, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and others.  I could be watching Terminator: Genisys instead of this- what do I choose?!?  The whole thing is just plain dumb and I can't be bothered to say anymore.  If this is Comedy to you, be my guest.
An absolutely-silly train wreck.  For me, it was just nonsense that actually looks WORSE than the other ones did.  Skip.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Impossibly-Rare Cover Art: Jaws

I've done ALOT of Jaws Covers in the Past.  I've lost count (which is why I Tag them).

This one is special for a number of reasons though.

1st- it is a Teaser Poster.
2nd- it has to be quite rare.  I look for this stuff all the time and only found it this one time.
3rd- it is mysterious.

See for yourself...
What a neat one.

Given that I wasn't alive to see the hype for Jaws, I don't know if it is was super-common-knowledge that it was a Killer Shark Film.  I'd like to think that it wasn't, making this Teaser Poster all the more special.

For posterity, here is the original I found online...
I'm pretty sure that someone has kept this Canvas Poster in storage for way too long, hence the fold and dirt on it.

I consider it my honor to make it a bit nicer for you, the Internet.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Lost in Translation?: Alien 2- On Earth

With more news about the future of the Alien Franchise, let's look back at an alternate-language Poster for an Alien Film rip-off.

I've heard worse set-ups.
Honestly kind of effective.  It shows you so little...and so does the Movie.

It's not lying, I guess.

Oh and here's the untouched Version...
Yeah, I changed a few things.  I think we can all agree that they were for the better though.

Okay, maybe not the Rainbow Tint.  I just like that one.

Twin Piqued: Part 8

So here's an Episode where a lot happens...and almost nothing happens.  Enjoy.
Important Moment(s)
- BOB Cooper and Ray flee the Jail, only for the former's betrayal of the latter to backfire.  He's shot and, well, explain this for me, Wikipedia- "Ghostly men tear at his body, revealing a sac with BOB's face."
- For no clear reason, a performance by "The" Nine Inch Nails.  FYI- Trent Reznor has an Oscar (for Best Score for The Social Network) and David Lynch doesn't.
- We see a Flashback to 1945 where the Atomic Bomb is tested.  This leads to a long, silent bit with The Giant (aka ???????), the lady inside the Lodge and...well, stuff like this....
- In 1956, a bunch of crazy-ass stuff happens that is supposed to be the origin of BOB.  You're up again, Wikipedia:  "a creature hatches from an egg. A woodsman descends to the ground, then enters a radio station and kills the receptionist. Overpowering the disc jockey, he repeatedly broadcasts the words "This is the water and this is the well. Drink full and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes and dark within," rendering listeners unconscious. The creature enters an unconscious girl's room and climbs down her throat. The woodsman kills the disc jockey and leaves."
Make of that what you will.
Theme(s), I guess Rebirth.
- BOB Cooper is killed, but then reborn (somehow).
- Life is created and then reborn in 1956 (maybe).
Weird Moment(s)
Is it a cheat to say 'Everything after the first 10 minutes?'  Well, it isn't to me and it wins.
'The Giant' floats and apparently creates...
...Laura Palmer (apparently) and...
...sends her to Earth via a Dr. Seuss device and a magic Movie Screen.
So this sure was random.  A tiny bit of Plot with BOB Cooper and then forty-minutes of weird-ass stuff in the 1940s and '50s.  Hobo Ghosts, killer Woodsmen (who look like the Ghosts from We Are Still Here), a BOB bug, magic words that make people pass out and more.  What in the helling hell?!?  Clearly Lynch was inspired to use more stuff like he did from Eraserhead here.  Aside from the obvious questions, here is another- why are we getting a BOB Origin Story in the 38th Episode of the Series?  The whole thing is just plain bonkers.  Even the seemingly-prerequisite Musical Number takes place way early just to screw with you.  This is mostly the interesting kind of crazy, but does get a bit repetitive at one point.  So we see the Atom Bomb stuff and then we see Mr. ?????? wake up, walk to a Screen and then watch him watch it!  Don't be a dick, David.  If you like Lynch's experimental madness, this is for you.  If you don't, you'll be very lost and very confused.  Just another reminder: this is the only Oscar WINNER on Twin Peaks ever AFAIK)...
Next time, well, who knows at this point?  It could be Plot-driven or more of this insanity.  See you then...

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Hulu Hoopz: The Handmaid's Tale- Episode 6

Another Flashback Episode that is also the 7th Episode?  What the hell, Shows?!?
Okay, so there is no way to talk about most of this without minor SPOILERS to earlier in the Series. 

So if you plan to watch the Show from the beginning and haven't, well, don't read a Review of Episode 7 (of 9)!!!

So we see a different view of the Show's original opening and failed escape.  It is HIS POV.

He's not dead (which they implied).
So the Episode (like American Gods' 7th Episode Flashback) is split between 2 parts.  The difference- both parts of this are Flashbacks.

In one part, we see the family flee the City and try to make their way to Canada (which obviously fails).  You get to see what the internal Underground in the States is like.
In the other part, we see what happened to him after being shot (but not killed) and wandering through relative safety.

You get to see the fringe areas near the border and all the dangers therein.
He eventually makes his way to a River to try and escape.  It is here that the Show seems to proudly wear its 'We were inspired by "Children of Men"' badge proudly.

Look- there's nothing wrong with it.  That Film is great.
We finally get a bit at the end showing where he ended up in the present (which also establishes how much time has passed) and this quick shot of the lady who the Show is named after.

For more details, watch the Episode.
A weird diversion, but still good.  The Episode does one thing different than American Gods- it fills in the gaps of its own Story.  The other Show gave me a half-hour History Lesson on our Heroine's Ancestor.  To be fair, the other half of that Episode did move the main Plot forward a little too.  Another difference, this is TWO Episodes from the end, as opposed to being the 7th of 8.  Being the 7th of 9 is *totally* different, yo!  Joking aside, this is a strong Episode and does a good job of showing the effects of all that happened.  The parts before she is captured are neat and filled with all sorts of little things to enjoy.  The parallels between this and the Underground Railroad are obviously no accident.  The later Flashbacks are really strong too, showing people trying to survive right on the outside of a Country that wants to exploit them.  There's nothing wrong with this Episode.  For whatever reason, they chose to hold onto the reveal that had to happen BEFORE this Episode could be aired until late in the Series.  They couldn't have shown this one before the reveal of him being alive- obviously.  That's it.  Since I have no joke shot to use, enjoy this very complicated name...
Next time, a return to the present and the semi-finale of the Season.  Where will all of this lead?  See you then...

Friday, July 21, 2017

Ripped-Off, Impossibly-Cool AND Lost in Translation Cover Art: Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Okay, so this requires a bit of an explanation...

In Japan, they make are terrible Shark Movies look amazing for Posters.  That is where Frying Jaws came from.

So this is the Poster for Jersey Shore Shark Attack- now called Jaws Return.  I assume that the punctuation is implied...somewhere...
While awesome, I was struck with a feeling of Deja Vu.  Where did I see this before?


This Film (which is apparently getting a Sequel!)...
While it is not 100% identical, it is WAY too similar to be an accident.

Here is a more side-by-side comparison for you...
She's even posed the same way!

Oh well- good ideas deserve to be re-used.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Starz Struck: American Gods- Season Finale

The Season comes to an end, so let us see if they go out with a whimper or a scream...
Another 'Coming to America' Tale, although this one is lamp-shaded as filler by Mr. Wednesday.

In addition, it shows us the back story of that Goddess we see who sucked people inside of her.  We haven't gotten her since Episode 2!
Shadow and Mr. Wednesday are told that they need to court a Queen.  The latter picks Easter.
As you can see, all of the big people showed up for the yearly party.
This sure won't make people upset.  Right?
All of this comes to a head when the whole gang of New Gods (sorry, Kirby) arrive with an ultimatum.  What happens next?

Sorry, no SPOILERS.
A good Finale, even if it leaves a lot to be covered.  To be fair, it is not the SERIES Finale, so I can accept some open threads.  That said, there are MANY things left to be resolved or even picked up on.  Remember Peter Stormare being really important for 2 Episodes and then vanishing?  The same with Chloris Leachman and her Sisters?  That's just some of the many things that will *probably* be addressed next Season, but still feel weird to be left hanging.  With that complaint aside, the Episode generally delivered quite well for me.  We got more of Dead Wife and Mad Sweeney, some great stuff with Mr. Wednesday and another little bit of creepy Crispin Glover.  He really needed to be on more this Season!  Everyone did a good job with their roles.  If I had to complain, it would probably be that this feels more like a second-to-last Episode than anything else.  Even so, it is a solid wrap-up to the Season.  It also explains that we have one person to blame for all of those '___ People Meet' Apps- Technical Boy!
So that's it for Season 1.  While we wait for Season 2, consider whether or not this is just too damn pretentious.