Zombie Crap?: The Lords of Salem

It's always fun to meet up with old enemies.  For the record, Rob Zombie has made some films that people like.  I'm not one of those people, mind you, but I know that some people do like them.  I know people that love his films House of 1,000 Corpses and the Devil's Rejects.  I even know someone who *likes* the original Halloween and how it focuses so much on Michael Meyers as 'a person.'  I have yet to meet anyone that defends Halloween II, but that's besides the point.  Certain Austrians (who shall remain nameless) feel that Mr. Zombie works best when he does original projects.  I agree.  I don't think he's actually MADE one yet though is the thing.  For me, all of Zombie's work has been 'homages' to stuff from the 1970's and very little new has been brought to the table.  That has not changed (IMHO) with his latest film: The Lords of Salem.  Rob- I can call you 'Rob' right?-, you saw Rosemary's Baby.  Most people have, in fact.  The difference is that we didn't waste over $1 Million making it again, only with Witches.  He's even dipping into his own works for this film, as Ken Foree is playing a Radio D.J. right out of the 1970s in the same way he played a similar-looking guy in Halloween (2007).  Speaking of which, why isn't this film set in the 1970's?  Everyone dresses like it is, the film's main characters are popular Radio D.J.s and modern-technology plays very little role in the story.  Instead, it's a bunch of people doing all of this 'ironically' and it just distracted me.  The film has a lot of good people in it, so I'm willing to give it some leeway.  It also STARS Sherri-Moon Zombie, so I'm going to give it quite a bit less.  To see if Zombie can outdo Paul W.S. Anderson in 'wife-worship Cinema,' read on...

The film begins with footage of a bunch of ugly, old Witches dancing around by a fire.  If you like this footage, it (and scenes like it) make up approximately 1/4 of the film.

If you don't, well, tough shit.

This is our heroine: Sherri-Moon Zombie.  She's a Radio D.J. who is the descendant of the Preacher that killed the group in the past.

This shot sums my problem with her quite well.  Pointless dreads, hipster apartment (note the Melies Moon on the wall) and her lackadaisical attitude.  She's the worst kind of heroine: a complacent one.

Speaking of problems, how about 'wish fulfillment' by way of Casting?  This guy is the film's secondary lead and he looks...exactly like Rob Zombie.  Wow.

It's one thing to rip off an iconic film, but it's another to be proven to be so lazy that you actually write yourself into your own Screenplay!

Here's the gist of what The Lords of Salem is.  First, Sherri mopes about and wanders with no direction.

Next: something weird happens (be it random ghoul walking by, evil zombie doctors or this demon guy walking a goat).

Finally, the scene ends abruptly and nothing has actually happened.

Seriously, Zombie pulls the 'something weird happened...but it didn't' card about five times in 90 minutes.  What do you think of that, Bruce Davison?

Random cameo by Michael Berryman and Sid Haig.  The same scene was shot with Richard Lynch as the Pastor, but apparently his scenes couldn't be used and were re-shot.

Listen, I like both guys, but what does this add?  They have no lines, so why bother?  Why?  At least Lynch was supposed to have lines...

As the film nears its climax, the evil forces continue to work on Sherri-Moon and her faux hipster artwork.  Her response: mope, cry and do drugs.

Who said that there were no good roles for women these days?

I won't SPOIL the Ending for anyone, but don't expect any big surprises.  You've seen this movie before.  The End.

Look, I don't hate Rob Zombie.  The guy has made some good music and I do appreciate his love for classic cinema.  That said, his love for it tends to get in the way of a lot of his other efforts.  The Haunted World of El Superbeasto was chock full of Cameos by Horror Film Characters- including having the Wedding party featuring Dr. Phibes!-, but still wasn't good.  He made a character based on the robot from The Phantom Creeps...but he's a one (bad) joke character.  Hell, even the name Doctor Satan is from an old film serial.  I could go on and on with this, but you get the idea.  If you strip away all of what he's 'paid homage to' and/or ripped off, you wouldn't have much left.  He changed the Satanic Cult into a group of Witches.  Do we give out awards for that?  I don't.  Sorry if you liked this movie, but I just feel that it's as pointless as this shot below...

Next up, a 'glossy' Remake of a film that deserves a lot more praise than it gets.  With the original Star long-dead, can Frodo fill in for him?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: House of 1,000 Corpses

Japan doesn't always seem to 'get' American movies.  As if that wasn't obvious already, check out their poster for Rob Zombie's big film debut...

Hey Japan, in case you read this, let me set something straight for you: not every poster should be a random collage!  Seriously, you guys do that one a lot.

Up next, Japan attempts to market a Don Coscarelli classic.  How will they do?  Stay tuned...

Zombie Crap: The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

First and foremost, I really don't care for Rob Zombie. When he was making music in the 90s, it was alright. It was never something that I got all that excited about, but it wasn't terrible. All of a sudden, he becomes a movie director and remakes The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only he calls it The House of 1,000 Corpses. Also, as an aside, I counted far less than 1,000 there, Rob! Next, he remade Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, but called it The Devil's Rejects. He has followed this up with remaking Friday the 13th under the title of Halloween and Halloween II. So, needless to say, my expectations were not high when I read about his cartoon movie based on a comic book that I had never read. Was I right or surprisingly-wrong? Find out in my review of...

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

Our movie begins with a masked man acting as a casting director for a film. He shamelessly oggles the woman with big breasts, while rejecting such broad celebrity parodies as Roseanne, Jeaneane Gorafalo and...Katherine Hepburn? Dude, she's been dead for years by the time you started making this movie (2007), so how is that topical? Anyhow, his film turns out to be a porno, giving us our first- but not last- shot of giant boobs drawn in Flash. During a scene full of bad dialogue, two of the women involved turn into monsters (one a vampire and one a werewolf), but they get killed. This brings us to our title screen, but my hope is pretty much dead. We are introduced to the rest of the cast, none of whom exactly have any positive character traits. The evil Dr. Satan is a cross between Dr. Thaddeus Venture and a devil that you find on hot sauce labels. Along with his forcibly-intelligent ape sidekick (not named Ape), he plans to find a marked girl, marry her and become all-powerful. How is she marked? With a big '666' on her ass, of course. With this film, were you expecting anything else?

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In addition to Superbeasto, we also have a heroine. She is his adopted sister, wears skin-tight leather and has an eye-patch. She fights all sorts of monsters alongside her robot Murray, who is sexually-attracted to her, but she ignores his 'needs'. Remind me again why this is supposed to be endearing in any way? Throughout the film, the narrative will simply stop for a scene of her fighting Nazi zombies. Not that I have anything against the killing of Nazi zombies, but this adds nothing to the story. You can leave some things out when adapting an entire series, Rob! Superbeasto falls for a foul-mouthed stripper (Rosario Dawson, doing a fairly racist accent), but she has the mark! The ape kidnaps her, but she leaves a trail of half-smoked cigarettes leading up to the villain's lair. She is initially upset, but changes her tune when she realizes that she would get half of Dr. Satan's fortune. Mind you, she is still a filthy whore. Our hero calls his half-sister for help, which prompts her to come to the bar and shoot/beat up every random horror character who has a cameo. By the way, cameos are the substitutes for jokes here- enjoy!

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It all escalates and leads to a big scene where our heroes try to stop the wedding. They bicker the whole time and work too late. They also do a scene ripping off Carrie, which is followed by a song entitled 'Why did you rip off Carrie?' That does not make it alright! Dr. Satan turns into a giant version of himself and begins to wreak havoc. This, naturally, is put over the 'wreaking havoc' song. Superbeasto and his sister challenge him, which leads to Satan revealing his deep-seated love for the girl. Cue the pointless and silly catfight between the sister and the whore, which the latter loses. Angered by her constant complaining, Satan stomps the woman, which undoes the power he gained. This is mentioned in the Magic Journal, which prompts our hero to take the time & complain about the film's bad writing. For once, I agree with you! The whole thing ends happily, with Dr. Satan beaten up, the ape getting the whore, the robot getting the girl and Superbeasto singing 'Working for the Weekend.' Okay, it's not all happy for us. The End.

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This movie sucks for so many reasons. It is full of pop culture references, but no real jokes. Oh look, the monster from This Island Earth is the Priest. That's neat, but is it a joke? No! Even having two cameos by Dr. Phibes himself (once as the organist at the wedding) can save this movie. I get that it is tongue-in-cheek, but it is painfully so. That thing is in there so hard that I can taste my ear on the other side! Some of the voice acting is not bad and it is full of good performers (i.e. Tom Kenny and Harlan Williams). On the flip side, it features Tom Papa doing a terrible Will Ferrell impression (methinks that they wanted another actor...) and Sherri Moon Zombie (of course!) as the sister, doing the worst and most nasally voice I have ever heard. Picture the voice of Batman's Harley Quinn, only done by someone who can't voice-act. The worst part is that there are so many other terrible jokes that I passed over. Which is worse: the cat with giant metal balls (really) or the song during the cat-fight about how 'it is okay to masturbate to cartoons?' You decide- but we all lose. Your opinion may differ than mine, but, simply by having a blog, mine is more important.

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Next on the agenda, Indonesia's time is up. It is time to review a film that has been a long time coming. Boy meets girl, girl becomes harbinger of evil and girl shoots up cops. Stay tuned...