2,900th Post Celebration!: Frankenstein Reborn

It is that time again!  Cue the Banner, me!

Sorry, Universal.  For my 2,900th Post (I know- right!), let's revisit a Studio who I've avoided for at least 6 months (an Immediate Response not counting, that is)- The Asylum.  Joy!  Today's Film is Frankenstein Reborn, the Asylum Version of a now-Classic Tale.  This one has many of the elements you'd expect to see, but many differences too.  This is part of the Shot Together To Save Money Series from the company.  Basically, they shot a bunch of Films together with the same Cast in varying Roles in 2005.  This includes War of the Worlds, King of the Lost World, Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse, Legion of the Dead and The Beast of Bray Road.  The Films were all released in a 6-month period and feature recurring Cast Members aplenty.  This is notable not just for the Stars, but also for the bit players.  For example, Andrew Lauer- aka some guy from Caroline in the City- appears in Beast, Legion and King- literally for one Scene in the latter!  That brings me to this Film with, well, most of those people.  Bruce Boxleitner was too busy for this shit- good for him.  This one is set in modern times and takes some odd liberties with the Story.  Rather than watching me ramble here, how about you watch me ramble down below?

The Film begins with the typical Person Gets Killed bit.  It is...Sarah Lieving!

Do I act like a dick and go 'Yea- they killed her!' or just not care?  Vote, America!

Now that that we got that out of the way, the actual Story begins with Dr. Franks (since Rhett can't play German, apparently) under arrest before suspicion of murder.  Cue Flashbacks!

So the good Doc and his comrades were experimenting on this oddly-muscular guy with a degenerative muscle disease to cure him via nanites in the brain.  Naturally.

Things eventually go awry due to some confusing Plot Point involving the Doctor's evil thoughts being downloaded (like an evil Chappie, I guess) into the Patient...or something.  You got me!

Anyhow, 2 of them continue the work on what now looks like The Mummy.

We interrupt this Horror Story for a Threesome Scene.  It worked for Invasion of the Pod People,..

They eventually resurrect the Patient...who now suddenly looks like The Mummy in the face too.

Seriously, what part of the procedure messed up face and teeth so much!!!

The Monster kills off the Doc's co-workers, the latter of whom he once loved.  Time to make a Bride under duress, I guess.

As the Flashback and Present collide, the Police, the Doctor, the Psychiatrist (aka Dracula from Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse) and the Monster all meet up.  After some random gore, the Shrink zaps both Monster and Doc, killing them.

After some cheesy narration, we get some Sequel Bait.  No such luck, Frankenstein Reborn...Again!

Madam I'm Adam....and this Film is not good.  The basic Plot is fine.  The Monster Make-Up (which grotesque in ways that make no sense for the Story) is actually quite good.  The random Gore and other Practical Effects you get are also good.  Pretty much everything else lets this Story down though.  The framing is confusing as they don't just stick with 'Doctor tells Story and sets up Ending.'  Instead, we get random breaks for the Psychiatrist to meet with the Police, his colleagues, the Police again and so on.  On top of that, we get footage repeated a couple of times for no good reason.  It is the 'I told you this, but the Audience will now see what really happened' schtick, basically.  In other words, your 84 minute Film (counting Credits) wasn't long enough.  The Acting is overall good, with some (like Giles) performing better than others.  The big problem for me is that I've seen this same bunch of Actors over and over again.  First it was Dracula, then it was King Kong, etc.  It is kind of tiresome now, so imagine what it was like in 2005-6 when these Films kept popping up in order over a 6-month time.  I appreciate that they didn't bring Andrew Lauer back for a Scene Cameo Kill, though...I guess.  Overall, it is like most Asylum Films- some good ideas (usually not theirs) done in a way that is less satisfactory than it should be.  This isn't too cheesy, which is a plus...I guess.  Now let me see that 'I'm reading your stupid Text' Face, Sarah...

Next up, some super-cheesy nonsense of the good kind.  Barry Bostwick, a Werewolf and some super-ridiculous Experiment!  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: Journey to the Center of the Earth (2-D)

This was bound to happen sooner or later!  The Asylum made their version of the Jules Verne tale in 2008 to coincide with the release of a bigger budget, 3-D version (see yesterday's review).  Is their version good?  Obviously, the answer is 'no.'  Is their version related to the theatrical release?  Again, the answer is obviously 'no.'  The bigger question is this- is their version remotely-related to the classic tale?  No.  Not even in the slightest way.  Seriously, the only thing that they have in common is a trip to the center of the Earth.  The 'star' of the film is Greg Evigan, who you would probably know from Tekwar.  If not, you're most people.  To see what this mess is all about, read on.  Take a trip with me as we go on a...

There are no tunnels, chasms or the like in this film.  No, in this film, the government is experimenting with a device that will teleport people behind enemy lines.  They decide to test it with an all-lady commando unit because...um, why not?  One thing to note is that one of the women in the group is the hunter's daughter from Alien vs. Hunter, marking Re-Used Actor/Location #1 of the film.  #2 shows up quickly as the General comes in to check out the project and he's...Zacarias Mossaui from The 9-11 Commission Report!  Get him- he's a terrorist, not a General!  Seriously though, that's random!  The group prepares to test out the device, so cue silly glow effect.  They end up...in a generic field.  Wait- this is the same place from The Land That Time Forgot, marking Re-Used Actor/Location #3.  This place also served as some of the locations in King of the Lost World, but I won't throw it in as #4...yet.

Our heroines run into some trouble pretty quickly as they learn that they are in the center of the Earth.  In the land- which apparently has sunlight- at the Earth's core, there is a T-Rex.  Logic?  I mean, I get that it's in the story too, but why?  This thing takes out one of the women as the others flee.  There is also lava here, which actually kind of makes sense.  Back on the surface of the Earth, Evigan and company figure out what happened.  The signal for teleportation got stuck halfway on its trip, trapping the group in the center of the Earth.  That's pretty silly, but I guess I can't fault you for that.  I can, however, fault you for the latter half of the plot involving a woman scientist (Alien vs Hunter's Dedee Pfeiffer aka Re-Used Actor/Location#5) coming in with a device for boring to the center of the Earth.  Here's a question- why were we teleporting people again?  You could argue that it's easier, I suppose, but the movie proves that theory wrong!  By the way, there is a giant spider- with Alien vs Hunter's body model (#6) - minus the person part- running across the same fields from Alien vs Hunter (#7).  Why didn't they work in the barn too?!?

It's a race against time!  Come on, time!  Go time!  In all seriousness, Evigan and Pfeiffer race towards the center in their boring machine, which is a pretty apt name for the plot!  Ha ha ha- forced irony.  In the center, our heroines manage to take out the spiders, but at the loss of more life.  It appears that the blond girl from Alien vs Hunter is dead thanks to some flash editing, but she isn't.  They manage to save her as Evigan launches their ship out of a volcano.  That would be cool in any other movie, you know.  The group reunites and rushes to the teleporter, which will work when Evigan puts the missing part in it.  It sure is lucky that you brought it, since your vehicle was kind of a one-shot deal!  More spiders show up, including a super-duper one (which is substituting for the giant ape, I guess) as the group rushes for the exit.  The blond girl dies from her spider bites, rendering her rescue entirely-pointless.  The teleporter activates and they escape.  The day is saved...save for the baby spider that hitched a ride.  The End.

Please toss me down a chasm!  The plot of this movie is a silly mess.  Why is this titled like it has anything to do with the Jules Verne tale?  It's about an errant teleporter that sends people to what also happens to be the center of the Earth.  It's like making a film where a kid gets trapped in Jurassic Park and his parents go in to save him.  Oh right- that was Jurassic Park III.  Where was I?  Oh right- this stupid movie.  The bottom line is that this is a cheap, cash-in.  You could argue that the Brendan Fraser movie is a cash-in for a profitable series of films based on the Verne novel, but it's not cheap!  This film re-uses locations, actors and just generally feels cheap.  A lot of people have made generic, uninspired films based on Verne's novel.  This just happens to be one of them...only made by The Asylum.  Do I recommend this?  Kind of, but only to the kind of people who can endure this Direct-to-DVD crap.  Take us home, General Terrorist...

Next up, I take a look at the remakes and assorted films of Romero's Dead series.  First up, a film Written, Produced, Directed by and Starring a guy who was in Night of the Living Dead- just because.  Stay tuned...
  

Lock Me Up!: Airline Disaster

Is this in bad taste?  We're coming up the 10th Anniversary of 9/11 and The Asylum has a film involving a plane crashing into buildings.  Consider that they already made The 9/11 Commission Report, a film which had 'That Lady From Monster' trying to stop terrorists and blamed 9/11 on Democrats who controlled neither the House nor the Senate.  I should also note that David Michael Latt directed this film and The 9/11 Commission Report.  You have a thing for planes crashing into buildings, don't you, David?  'The Lady from Monster' aka Sarah Lieving is back here too, although the film does not credit her.  Is it an insult or a compliment to have your name not appear in the Credits to an Asylum film you were in?  The big star on board here is Meredith Baxter (not Birney anymore) as The President- more on that later.  If you like convoluted plots and silly, CG objects, you're in luck.  Put your tray table and have your seat back in the full, upright position, because we're experiencing an...

We quickly get the random aspects that make up the plot.  A super new jet is being taken out for a flight.  By the way, this is the second film out there right now with a plane controlled by a computer- weird.  The Pilot is the President's brother, which requires a Secret Service handler to be on board.  Meanwhile, a bunch of suspicious people all board the plane with bandages just under their eyes.  Yeah, TSA has very lax screening procedures apparently.  Don't worry- it's gets sillier.  Cross-cut with this scene, we meet 'That Lady From Monster' getting ready to take her kids to school.  Her husband is the pilot on the plane, despite looking about 20 years older than her.  Did Roger Clinton get tail like that?  A group of people kidnap them and flee the Police, taking them to a barn in the middle of nowhere.  Apparently there is only one Police car in L.A. and no helicopters to dispatch.  Once the plane is in the air, the not-at-all-suspicious people with the matching bandages take out their guns and...wait, how did they get guns on board?  This is a super-special flight, so wouldn't security be higher?  When you can't explain something, don't show it- it's The Asylum's way.  The President is upset.

At this point, we essentially have three films.  One of them is a low-rent Passenger 57, with the Secret Service agent filling in for Wesley Snipes.  What- he was in jail when they made this!  The second film is a low-rent political thriller with President Baxter (not her character name- sadly) in her War Room going over what they can do to stop the plane without killing the people on board.  The third film is a low-rent Spartan, with a bunch of FBI Agents trying to find the missing family.  They're being used as leverage to keep the Pilot flying, so they need to be set free.  By the way, the Barn that they are kept in is the same one that was a shop in I Am Omega and was owned by the human hunter in Alien vs. Hunter.  Re-using sets- it's The Asylum way!  Now here's the trippy part- the lead FBI Agent is practically a dead-ringer for Barack Obama.  So, um, why did you have Baxter- who's clearly supposed to be Hillary Clinton- as the President and not this guy?  Does Latt hate Obama so much that he'd pretend that he didn't win the election or does this film take place in an alternate universe?  We need to know!

Thankfully for our heroes, they are facing some of the dumbest criminals of all-time.  The Secret Service Agent hides out in the Storeroom Area of the plane for 85% of the film and they never see her.  Unfortunately for our heroes, most of the gadgets that the U.S. Government tries to use to stop the plane are, well, terrible.  One program involves a satellite that can manually control a plane, but it malfunctions when the plane's computer gets damaged.  Later, they try to shoot a laser from space to 'melt' the plane, but miss.  What's the point in a James Bond-style satellite if you can't aim it?!?  The terrorists don't take this well and try to start killing hostages.  They kill a stewardess and immediately assume that she is the Air Marshall...except that the real one is also there.  He dies a completely lame and pointless death.  Our heroine in the Storeroom finally fights the villain...and loses.  However, he leaves her around and she takes the money that he was really after. He blows himself up...for no reason, forcing the plane to have a rough landing ahead.  The terrorists get taken out with ease (thanks for waiting to act!) and the plane manages to land, but only after smashing the Washington Monument.  Oh yeah, they freed Sarah and the kids too.  The End.

Crash- oh-ohh!  The plot of this movie is goofy and unfocused.  Things just happen because the plot needs it to, like the terrorists getting their guns on the plane.  Seriously, they never even give us a cheap excuse for this- it just happens!  The bigger problem is that the plot hinges on a whole bunch of coincidences.  The President's brother is a pilot- seems risky.  He's flying an experimental new plane on its maiden voyage- seems risky for the company.  His family is an easy target and has no personal security- seems illogical.  A person is also transporting over $150 million in bonds on this same flight of a new plane led by the President's brother- really, really stretching reality!  I could ignore some of this had it not piled on.  As it is, the film is a lazy and confusing action film.  The constant jumps from the FBI agents, the mother/family, the hostage-takers, the Secret Service Agent, the terrorists and the President makes it even more so.  If you guys could pick one plot, that would be super!  Take us away, Not Not Barack Obama...

Next up, it's Ninja Week!  The first silent, but deadly assassin is David Heavener and he's...a Lethal Ninja...For Hire!  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: 8213- Gacy House

Why didn't they just make Paranormal Entity 2?!?  Clearly all the death did not stop the makers of the Paranormal Activity franchise from making a confusing sequel/prequel/sidequel last year.  Instead of playing things straight, The Asylum decided to make a brand new film...that also ripped off Paranormal Activity.  It would be like them making Transmorphers and following it up with Tranceformers!  So what's this film about, you ask sardonically?  Why a bunch of people go into a house and find that a killer ghost is inside.  It could be worse- it could be a ghost rapist (i.e. The Entity).  Although, actually, one scene does involve...well, you'll see.  Like their other rip-off movie, this one also claims to be crime scene footage released by the police.  Unlike the other movie, this one has a celebrity ghost- John Wayne Gacy.  Yes, the famous Chicago serial killer is the focus of this movie, despite the contradictions that the movie establishes by using his name.  I'll get into those during the review.  If you ever became a Mormon, make sure not to visit...

The movie slaps you in the face right away by explaining that this is footage of what led up to the deaths of all the people inside the house.  Why is it in Edited then?  You see, the Police Department did that in order to give it narrative flow, of course!  No wonder Police Departments are going over-budget- they hire professional Editors to mess with their evidence.  By the way, this is freaking evidence (if you believe the lie!).  Basically, this group of six people are going to the 'Gacy House' to see evidence of ghosts.  Here's the first glaring problem- the original Gacy house was demolished.  If you don't know, Gacy buried bodies in the crawlspace, so they couldn't exactly sell the house to a new owner!  Years later, a house was rebuilt on the lot, which the movie even acknowledges.  Someone should have told it to the actors/real people then, since they talk all about 'going into the crawlspace to see where he buried the bodies!'  While I'm barely on-topic, I should also mention that this film takes place in 2006 (since Paranormal Activity 2 did), but the DVD box description actually says that it happens in 2004.  Oh right- the plot.  Basically, these people wander around, set up cameras and talk about ghosts.  Thanks for making the 'Making Of' into your real film!

If you like films where things actually happen, you're sorely out of luck here.  The majority of the 'action' here involves doors closing, lights flickering and all that crap.  This kind of thing can be done right, you know.  When it's clearly build-up for something major, I can accept it.  When it's pretty much all you're going to get, however, it's cheap and lazy!  The only real action you get comes when two of the people decide to go to the 'Gacy House' bedroom and, well, summon some spirits.  Thank you, pointless T&A scene.  By the way, the people pick that room because the camera went out in there.  I guess they thought that nobody could fix it!  To make it even sillier, we- as the audience- still see part of their 'action' on the camera.  A bit later, the woman discovers scratches all over her back..but they're not from him.  She freaks out a bit and wants to leave, but is convinced to just stay in the van.  Bear that in mind for later.  By the way, that Gacy ghost has a potty mouth...

While there is still not a lot of action, what you get is pretty much tossed into the final ten minutes.  I would warn you about SPOILERS, but the opening description tells you that everyone in the house died.  What would I be SPOILING exactly?  The blond in the van is attacked by...um, something and dragged off-camera.  They never explain why they have a camera in their van, by the way.  In the house, 'Gacy' finally has enough and attacks!  One guy is charged at by the ghost, which he can see in the techno-babble camera, and tossed into a room to die.  Watch as he clearly does a back-tumble and closes the door with his own hand!  Despite all the talk earlier about Gacy only going after those of his own sex, he rips open the blouse of the psychic lady, giving us our other T&A shot of the film.  One poor guy is dragged into the air- that ghost is strong apparently- and has his pants pulled down.  Yeah, that's both silly and illogical, as Gacy targeted young boys, not 30 year-old men!  The rest all run around and die.  Just to 'authenticate' this, they show us the Death Certificates of each person and explain that the blond from the van is the chief suspect, since she was never found.  The End.

Good night, Gacy!  The plot of this movie is just silly and stupid.  Follow the film's logic for a moment.  In 1994, Gacy was executed by the state.  Before that, his house was demolished- for safety and ethical reasons- and a new one was built on the lot.  Over a decade later, his ghost wanders into the house built on top of where his old one was & kills some people for, um, being there.  On top of that, he has a range of ghost powers, including the ability to vanish at will, blow out light bulbs and, apparently, telekinesis/super-strength.  In addition, he apparently attacks the woman outside of the house and hides/destroys the body.  After all of that, do you really buy this as 'real footage?'  I didn't think so.  To be fair, other than the guy closing the door on himself, there are ain't transparently-obvious F/X here.  Mind you, all of the F/X here are cheap, so they're also easy to do.  This isn't Avatar or anything.  The real problem is the pacing and the acting.  The film has a lot of 'dead air' and filler.  It sure was nice of the 'Chicago Police Department' to not Edit out the footage that showed nothing and just wasted our time!  The characters are written as very shallow and they're pretty much just all 'ghost-bait.'  I particularly did not like the psychic who offers up her son's shirt to 'Gacy' during a seance.  She'e either lying or really sick in the head!  If you can get past the bad acting, lazy characters, bad pacing and goofy premise, there is, well, a movie here.  For the sake of argument, I will note that I'm over the whole 'haunted house film', so take my opinion with that in mind.  The film does have two stars in it though...

Next up, the week wraps up properly with The Asylum pushing the limits of good taste.  This time, we get a plot involving a hijacked plane, white supremacists and...President Hillary Clinton?  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: Snakes on a Train

How can you make a joke out of a joke?  Snakes on a Plane is not a film meant to be taken seriously.  How can a film with 'monkey-fighting snakes' on a 'Monday to Friday' plane be serious?  Oh yeah, the microwave also has a 'snake setting' on it to boot!  So what is this film about?  It involves a curse put on a woman causing her to constantly have snakes come out of her.  Say it with me folks- eww.  There's also no Samuel L. Jackson character, so no luck for you Charlie Murphy!  Are your hopes at the properly-low level?  Well, let me tell you that there is a great moment to see...at the very end.  Wait it for me, since I have to fill my space quota.  Hide your children as we do battle with the...

Hey, do you like context for anything?  If so, you'll hate this movie.  They spend the first thirty minutes not telling you what's going on with the snakes, the woman or this medicine man.  All we know is that they board a train after being confronted by a bunch of thugs and...the terrorist guy from The 9/11 Commission Report! Why are you here?  Why are you supposed to be Hispanic now?!?  During this time, we also meet a bunch of random characters on the train.  Boring.

As time goes by, the movie manages to fill itself up with lots of random sub-plots.  That's a substitute for an actual plot!  Here's a couple to tide you over...
* A Sheriff exploits sex from a woman smuggling drugs, but turns out to be a fake.
* A pair of strangers hit it off.
* A couple with a young kid try to enjoy the trip.  Here's how that one wraps up...

Things start to get real when things start to get full of CG crap!  The doctor continues to try and stop the curse affecting the woman, but it does no good.  The thugs from earlier have their sub-plot resolve when they get infected by the curse and die.  The woman's infection gets even worse and she turns into a killer snake woman.  It gets even more even worse causing her to turn into a CG snake and grow gigantic...

By use of a magical pendant (which was around for the whole movie, but never did anything until now), this happens...

Yeah, that just happened!  Try to explain it, audience.  The End.

I'm not laughing!  The plot of this movie is just awful and barely-explained.  Remember the whole thing about how there's a curse on the lady?  Well, they don't even explain that until about 40 minutes in or so.  Good storytelling, guys!  Thankfully, the people over at Netflix will help you out by telling you this major plot point on the sleeve that the movie is shipped in.  Seriously, what the hell?!?  It's not a twist when you just refuse to say anything.  As far as the rest of the plot goes, it's pretty bad.  Most of the stuff you see is kind of dull (the strangers' plot or the family one) and the rest is just poorly-handled.  The whole 'I'm a cop who does bad things, only I'm not really' thing just comes the hell out of nowhere.  The point of it- to have the characters just shoot each other to death.  Did the Writer just want to make the 'Dear Sister' joke into a plot, but couldn't make it fill 80 minutes?  WHY IS THIS HERE?!?  To be honest with you, the film is not that interesting.  If you want to laugh, watch this clip.  Of course, I maintain that some of you may disagree.  Take us away, repeat casting gone awry...

Next up, The Asylum takes on Eragon with a film entirely unrelated to it.  Way to pick a hit, guys!  Stay tuned...

A Review in Pictures: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Yes, it's them again.  The Asylum got so much inexplicable hype and fame from the original Mega Shark movie that they made a sequel.  I know what you're wondering- where's the Giant Octopus?  Well, he/she was deemed not cool for the sequel, I guess.  In its place, we have a giant crocodile, who travels all the way from Africa to take part in the battle.  Along the way, we meet adult Urkel, 'That Bitch from Monster and there's even a cameo by the ship from Titanic II.  We also get recycled B-Roll footage from King of the Lost World for no apparent reason.  This one is painful, folks.  To ease the pain of this (and to spare you both SPOILERS and the need to see the film), I'm going to give you some basic plot points and lots of screen shots.  Bear witness to the titanic struggle that is...

The film starts in Africa (probably re-using Allan Quartermain footage) with a crocodile escaping from a cave.

The Mega-Shark survives the ending of the last film (somehow) and escapes from the ice (somehow).  It attacks!

Oh yeah, it's super-giant now.  Watch the people clearly miss the 50-foot fin with a cannon!

Can I possibly explain this?  No, I can't.

You will believe that a shark can fly!!!

Oh look- the ship from Titanic II is there.  I guess they had footage of it, so why not insert the Crocodile in?

The creatures face-off in a battle of CG vs CG!  This seems unbalanced, given that the Crocodile can go on land.  Of course, it also can't fly...

The battle moves from land to sea.  It's accentuated by a plot point that I won't spoil.

The climactic battle is just...well, this.

What do you think I'm going to say?  The plot of this movie is just dumb.  So much of it is based on ideas that are never explained or scenes that are never shown.  How did the Shark survive?  They don't show us.  How did it get unfrozen?  Again- they don't show us.  Who the hell is Jaleel White's character and how does he relate to the first film?  No clue.  Basically, we need the Shark to come back, we need White to have a personal vendetta and we need a second, new monster.  Because of all that, they don't explain any of it in great detail.  Accept these facts...or die!  The CG work in this film is goofy as hell.  There are brief moments where it looks decent, sure.  There are other moments where the shark leaps 50 feet out of the water, grabs a torpedo and splashes back into the water.  I mean, what do you say?!?!?  To be completely honest with you, there are some fun moments to be had here.  There's also a slow middle (hello, every Asylum film ever), re-used effects and, of course, 'That bitch from Monster.'  I'm sure that she's a nice lady, but she is just in the worst Asylum films ever (King of the Lost World, Dracula's Curse, The 9/11 Commission Report).  The bottom line- I've showed you most of the hilarious parts.  Do yourself a favor and skip it, unless you're some sort of sadist.  Take us away, oddly-Meta and confusing poster placement...

Up next, we cover a Syfy Channel sequel to a hit film.  This crocodile is out for blood...and a Duke Boy.  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: Hillside Cannibals

You aren't even trying, are you?  

I mean, how much effort did this one take to come up with?  

You were just in a meeting and said 'That Hills Have Eyes movie looks profitable, so how can we rip it off?'  

'Well, it is set in a hillside area and has cannibals, so...let's just go with that.'  

Like a lot of these Asylum films, this is a David Micheal Latt film.  On the bright side, it could be a C. Thomas Howell film!  

So who is the star that could have once done better' this time around?  Well...there isn't one.  Yes, this one is devoid of even a 'name' talent behind it.  

You continue to find new ways to be sad, don't you?  

So what is the plot?  People go to the desert and get attacked by cannibals.  That's about it, really.  Since I have to fill out three more paragraphs, I'll just have to find more to say.  

Get out your hillside Soylent Green as we go to meet the...

To the film's credit, they don't waste a lot of time in set-up.  No interviews a la Monster and no vacation planning a la H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds.  

Of course, the film also does nothing to set up these characters in any way.  I find it hard to classify this idea as 'good.'  

Basically, a quintet of people (two couples and one single lady) go to the desert for a camping trip.  Most of these actors I don't recognize, but one of them is the 'American helper' from Monster and the Random Republican Guy from The 9/11 Commission Report.  

He gets around...to shitty movies!  

We get a few minutes of them hanging out and interacting before night falls.  Come night, the cannibals come out and attack!  The group had split up a bit, so they are attacked separately.  

The single gal is attacked while out for a smoke and cut in half.  This act is done off-camera, however, and we just see the parts dragged- lazy!  Monster-guy and his girlfriend are attacked next by the power of hyper-editing and flash cuts. 

The final group are attacked, but the guy is tough enough to buy them some time.  The girl is nearly grabbed, but one cannibal lets her go.  

Later that night, we see the cannibals interacting in the cave.  There are a few females, young males and the old Alpha Male.  Through some grunting exposition (how often do I get to write that), we learn that he's Sawney Bean.  

You'd be very, very old and in the wrong country if that were true!

I hope you like grunting!  

The bulk of this part of the movie is focused on the cannibals, since introducing new characters would just be too much work!  

'Sawney' is the guy in charge and gets all the inbred, cannibal tale in the cave.  The younger female of the group takes a liking to the boyfriend- who reminds a lot of The Miz- and begins to rub herself all over him.  

It's not really creepy- it's just gross, really.  

Since this whole bit gets redundant after the first couple minutes, it also becomes boring!  

Yes, cannibals attacking hikers from their cave lair has become boring!  

We see our heroine wandering around for a bit until she runs across the Sheriff. He takes her back to the site, but the place is clean.  

Yes, these guys can't clean their own cave, but they can hide all of the evidence of their attack!  

Not dismayed, our heroine sneaks into the cave and frees 'Miz.'  However, he was wounded and can't make it all the way.  

He stays behind in a nearby cave and is almost instantly captured, rendering this whole sequence: entirely pointless.  She goes away further to seek help, while 'Miz' is tortured some more.  

Turmoil occurs that night as 'Sawney' dies during the night of a heart attack, leading the next-in-line to take over.  Things are about to get real!

In a completely unnecessary scene, a trio of people are attacked and killed in a van.  

Who were they?  Who cares- we need to raise the body count!  

While being chased by one of the lesser cannibals, our heroine is saved by a hunter.  He lost his wife and son to the creatures and he's been preparing to get his revenge.  

So you just stole the human hunter from your film Alien vs. Hunter, huh?  

That's...not surprising.  

The pair go to sneak in and rescue 'Miz'...again, but things don't get too well this time either.  The new 'Sawney' is killed instantly- good-bye, drama- but the hunter is killed too.  

Our heroine is now in the clutches of the cannibals and their new leader...the quiet one from before.  

I guess this is supposed to show his character growth or something.  Of course, I don't care.  

Our heroine manages to escape and wound him, but 'Miz' dies from his wounds.  She escapes the cave and runs to the Sheriff...who takes her back the cannibals.  

I probably should have mentioned that scene from earlier that showed he was working with them, huh?  

In the Epilogue, we see the new, new 'Sawney' having sex with our heroine, only for it to actually be the cannibal girl wearing her face as a mask.  

That was gross in Wrong Turn 2 and it is here too.  The End.

Killing, killing and more killing.  

The plot of this movie is...well, a joke.  People go to a cave for no clear reason and die quickly.  

One of them wanders around, while her boyfriend is stuck in the cave. 

 More stuff happens and then the movie ends.  

It should take more than three sentences to sum up a movie, right?  This is just a shallow, shallow attempt to make money without putting much effort into it.  S

peaking of which, this movies sucks.  See it or don't see it- whatever.

Next up, we get a Will Smith rip-off here for the first time ever.  This one features an Hawaiian Indian battling zombies in Los Angeles.  Stay tuned...