Poor Bastards of Cinema Redux: Stacey (1973)

 Another day and another Poor Bastard.

See if you feel some Deja Vu.

In Stacey, the climax takes place at a Car Race (which I'm not sure they had clearance to shoot at).

Our Heroine is in the middle of a shoot-out when...

A random guy just appears in the frame standing near a bike.

He's shot.
He dies.

If that feels familiar, it's because Stacey is the *original* version of Malibu Express (also my first Andy Sidaris Film).

In that one, we get the same basic Plot, the same climax and, yep, a Poor Bastard (who at least does a bike fall for dramatic effect).

On the plus side, there's no follow-up with the Poor Bastard in Stacey, while we clearly see the culprits just run away in Express.

Just to be safe, don't go to Car Races.  It's dangerous for everyone- not just those cars strapped into cars!

Next time, it is that old standby- a Cop in a Horror Film.  This is from a Sequel, not a Remake.  See you then...

Compare/Contrast: Stacey (1973) vs. Malibu Express (1985)

 Life is weird.

So the first Film I watched by Andy Sidaris (Malibu Express) turns out to be a Remake of Stacey, the last Film by Andy Sidaris I watched (and will watch, since I've seen them all now!).

Make sense?

Let's see how they are different and alike...

VS

The first big change is that Express has a Male Lead.  Said Lead would later be weirdly-retconned as an Actor in a Film, making Express a Film-within-a-Film.

As a bonus, Seven would also have its Poster shown in a Film, despite a Character from THAT Film being brought back in Picasso Trigger.

Anyhow, Sybil Danning hires him for the job, as opposed to the Grandmother.  She looks better in the dress than Grandma would!

Express also has a Subplot involving a Redneck Family (in California) that keeps challenging our Lead to Races.

Yeah, I don't miss that in Stacey.

A big change, as noted, is that Stacey is not in Express.

In her place, in nearly the same Scene is a Racecar Driver who's last name is 'Khnockers.'

Weird to see the '70s Version being arguably more progressive.

Also missing in full detail is the extent of the blackmail angle with the Husband.

In Stacey, it is just that he was Gay in secret and went to Clubs (like Ed Koch or Roy Cohn).
In Express, he dresses in drag (which doesn't inherently make you gay, of course).

Either way, our Heroine/Hero is still a mean shot...eventually.

In Stacey, we learn that the Daughter in with 'the wrong crowd' killed the blackmailing Chauffeur.

In Express, we learn that...until we learn that it was a lie.
In a twist, it was Danning all along, who confesses to it (once she's out of the Country) via cassette tape to our Hero.

Of course, the Tape explodes like in Mission: Impossible to boot.

So how do they match up?

Stacey is alright, but kind of boring.  The extra bits of silly and flourish that we get in Express certain liven things up.  Adding Sybil Danning is always a plus too.

The extra Comedy Bits aren't always winners though, so as far as quality is concerned, there's an edge to Stacey.

It's like picking the best of the about-to-expire Meat though.

I hope this makes it clear that I didn't just randomly picking Body Snatchers and then an Andy Sidaris Film.  There's sometimes a rhyme to my reason.

I'm only a little bit crazy.

Andy Sidaris Films are never great, but they can be real fun.  Go with the more fun version, thanks to and in spite of its flaws.

The Original Triple B Flick: Stacey (1973)

 Andy Sidaris will finally be out of my life!  

Back in 2017, I decided to do all of the Triple B Films by the late Director.  The reason- my Dad bought the DVD Set.  Not every story has a complicated reasoning- sometimes it is that simple.  

After Return to Savage Beach, I thought I was done.
Oops, there is Seven, a Film I covered as part of an April Fools Day Post.  Now I was done, right?  Wrong!

The *actual* first Film by Sidaris was Stacey, the origin of this whole trashy Series.  The Plot involves the titular Character- who is a Detective and Race Car Driver- solving a family case of blackmail and murder.  Let's see if you can match up, Knives Out!  

If this Plot sounds familiar, I'll get to that in a bit.  As Sidaris' first Film, will we see the stuff that would become his trademarks?  To find out, read on...

Stacey is hired by a rich old lady to spy on her family.  The reason: to find out who should be the proper heir.

Seems super shady- I'd get paid in cash...and not just because Debit Cards didn't exist yet either.
And yes, I did Google that.

Everyone is either a creep, an asshole or hiding something.

Can we just give the money to the cat instead?

The one Daughter is involved with some fishy stuff.  When you go to investigate, it is important to wear your best bikini top.

Hercule Poirot did the same thing.
I did not Google that.

The Chauffeur is blackmailing, well, everyone.

One Son is hiding that he's Gay, while his Wife is hiding the fact that she's banging a different guy.
I wonder what drove them apart?

After a Party, said Chauffeur is killed.

Was it one of his victims?
Was it the guy who said that he'd kill him if he didn't pay back the loan?
Funny third thing?

Stacey and her boyfriend investigate, checking out the guy's place.  Naturally, they make sure to have sex in his bed while they are there, since, you know, evidence.

They find some pictures and need them developed, so naturally...

They go to the big California Raceway to do just that, since Stacey knows a guy.  

Sorry CVS, you don't get to develop the blackmail photos!
Also you likely didn't exist in Southern California back then.

Also also, I wonder if Sidaris paid any of these people for their likeness rights to be in this Film.

Stacey has a big shoot-out with the goons in and around the Raceway.

I love to see the people ignore a man running by with a shotgun in the Parking Lot.
What is this, Texas?!?

In the end, we learn that the one Daughter was the killer, since he was blackmailing her.

Were you expecting a big twist?  Nope.  
The End.

This was...pretty forgettable.  I'm not super-shocked to see this one be forgotten.  It doesn't have the big hooks that you get with Sidaris' later Films.  You don't get the big explosions.  You don't get the silly Action Scenes.  This is the how it all started and the roots are there...but that's it.  

In a way, it is like reading the first Draft of a Book.  Granted- the final Book will not read a Pulitzer. 

Even so, it is a fun Book that you can read for an afternoon.  In this Film, the basic Plot is okay.  If you're expecting any surprises, there are none.  If you're expecting a big Action Scene, there is one...sort of.  It's basically just run-stop-shoot-run for about 10 minutes.  It's not awful, but it's not, you know, engaging. 

 

Later Sidaris Films have bad Action Scenes, but they also have silly ones that make you laugh.  For instance, the man who throws a real frisbee to the bad guys (while disguised) and then switches it with a BLADED frisbee that he just happens to be carrying.  Thank Heavens for planning ahead, eh. 

 

Just like Seven, the basic Film is there, but nothing else.  Since my copy is a VHS Rip (oddly, Seven got a BLU-RAY Release!), it also includes a quick ad for a Porn Film that blurs out the Nudity by...tinting the whole Film pink.  No, really.

Next time, I finally rewatch another Film from my childhood.  Will it be good for me now?  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash?: Seven

How have I not done this Film before?  David Fincher made it big with this Film and it defines him to this day.  It's...

Okay, that's probably enough for the line that will show in the Preview.

Yeah, I'm actually doing Andy Sidaris' Seven.  This seems like the best day to do it.  It's his first major Film and the original prototype for his later works like Malibu Express and Picasso Trigger.  Is early Sidaris good?  No.  Is early Sidaris better?  Yes.  It's a much more straight-laced Film than I expected.  It was a real hidden Film to, only getting a proper DVD/Blu-Ray release in 2018!  To find out more about this last (real) Sidaris BBB Film, read on...

In Hawaii, a bunch of Government Agents are killed.  The main culprit- Martin Kove from The Karate Kid.  Yes, it was before that Film.

Oh and they reuse the same Bar from the later Films.

One of the bad guys is also Weird Skateboard Guy.  He's not nearly as ridiculous as he is in Hard Ticket to Hawaii (where he rides down a road with a blow-up doll to hide his gun).

That's this Film in a nutshell though- like the later Films, but not *quite* as ridiculous (or interesting).

Our Hero is famous Character Actor William Smith, who is hired to kill the 7 Mobsters that apparently arranged the hits as part of their master plan to yadda yadda run Hawaii.

Sweet mustache, man!

He then spends the next THIRTY MINUTES meeting with his recruits, seeing their lives and telling them about their targets.

Pacing is something that Sidaris had not learned yet!

Finally, the group is all together.  After some banter, they get their assignments and...

...it is even more set-up!

Yes, arranging the hits- designed to take place nearly simultaneously- would take this amount of work.  You just don't need to show me every little detail.

Here's a static shot of parked cars to summarize how exciting this part is.

We *finally* get to the good stuff as the hits take place.  There's still more filler, but you can't complain too much at visuals like 'Man blown up by rocket' and 'Man/dummy tossed out of window.'

Not only would Sidaris re-use this bit in Hard Ticket, but he's also re-use 'guy gives up on sword fight to just shoot guy.'  Yes, this was before Raiders of the Lost Ark and, no, I don't think that Spielberg saw this!

The high point of silliness- them tricking a guy into wearing a yellow shirt with a target on him and shooting it.

Weird points for continuity too- this Professor wouldn't show up again until Picasso Trigger, where I was apparently supposed to know who he was.  Only 18+ months late for me!

After some so-so action, the group succeeds at the hits and takes time to straight-up murder the double-agent in public.  Our Heroes!  The End.

A silly, silly Film...but played straight.  It's meant to be serious.  It's meant to be complex.  The problem is that Sidaris is still not a great Director (even accounting for relative inexperience).  As a result, the Film is too long (at 101 minutes in the full Cut) and too slow.  It falls into the 'let's explain everything and do it slowly' trope from the 1970s.  Good Films can make you enjoy the wait.  Seven is just kind of dull for long stretches of time.  Too much set-up and not enough pay-off.  It also features A TON of narration from Smith, which is just a lazy way to tie Scenes together.  As a Sidaris Film, it's a tricky recommendation.  It's too straight to be really-funny, but it's also better in terms of production/writing than the later Films.  No random Sex Scenes (just some sporadic nudity).  If you want to enjoy him as a Filmmaker, watch this first.  If you want to enjoy him as 'that guy who makes BBB Films,' start with Hard Ticket and go from there.  It's less silly and dumb than even Malibu Express, what I once thought was the original Frankenstein's Monster of the Series.  And yes, I know that he made a Film before.  Dare I?  Maybe.  In the meantime, enjoy this reminder that you're still watching a Sidaris Film...

Next time, I *probably* won't lie about the Film for a joke.  It's only once a year, after all!

Top 10 Worst Films of MY 2018!

These are the worst Films that I reviewed in 2018.  They could come out at any point.

All clear?  Great.

Honorary Mention: Alien Covenant, Day of the Warrior, Mama Dracula, Star Wars- The Last Jedi, A Talking Cat!?!, The Shadows, Voodoo Black Exorcist, Bread Crumbs, Terrifier, The Devil's Express, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace- and Tiptoes holy s--t!

Bonus: Who Killed Captain Alex? was the most inept, but made for like $4 by people in Uganda who don't know anything about Movies, so...I'll be nice(ish).

10. The Manipulator: An old man yelling at a woman for 90 minutes.  No thanks.

9. Lost River: Ryan Gosling should not Direct- at least if the Film is this bad.  The idea of it- a modern fable- is fine.  The problem is that it isn't interesting, doesn't give you likeable Characters and is just pointlessly-bleak.  Stick to Acting, please.

8. Return to Savage Beach: My last chance to make fun of Andy Sidaris Films. The last two- which I at least had help getting through- were bad. The final, final one is definitely the worst of the two, given that it can't agree whether or not to be a Sequel or a new Story. They throw in little nods to the original Savage Beach, but then also awkwardly-connect this to the last Film. It also has a Buff Bagwell Sex Scene in it, so...yeah, it makes the list.

7. The Snowman: A good Writer. A good Director. A good Cast. Everything goes wrong. From not filming enough footage to having a pretty haphazard Story to how they handled the whole issue with Val Kilmer, this one is a giant mess. It shouldn't have been!

6. The Book of Henry: What an ill-conceived mess. It is a weepy Drama that turns into the tale of a kid training his Mom how to commit the murder of their number! This is supposed to make them all sympathetic! It's just odd how this even got considered, written, approved, produced and released in 2017. Good luck with Episode IX though, Colin. Oh...that's right.

5. Dracula vs. Frankenstein (Both Versions): One is a tale of a Scientist under Dracula's sway.  Another is a tale of Aliens bringing Monsters back to life to conquer the Earth.  They are both silly.  They are both stupid.  I couldn't decide which one was worse (usually in a fun way), so they both made it in!

4. Transformers- The Last Knight: This is over 2 Hours long.  This is crap.  It killed the Franchise (hopefully for good).

It also manages to seem both too long and too complicated in THIS FRANCHISE!

3. Rhinoceros: This should be interesting and hilarious.  It is dull, stupid and forced.  It also suddenly gets preachy in the last 5 minutes after 80 minutes of over-the-top slapstick.  Boo.

2. mother (2017): The Audiences were right.  This one is ridiculous, over-the-top, full of itself and just plain bizarre.  They tried to squeeze a *super-subtle* adaptation of Genesis into one Film.  They made a big, stupid mess of a Film that is as deep as a Dixie Cup.

1. The Poughkeepsie Tapes: A self-important Film that I will hopefully never have to rant about again. A Writer/Director makes a love letter to his own Mary Sue- a Serial Killer who can be ahead of the Police, never leave clues (despite personally-handling over 2,000 VHS tapes), fake his M.O., frame a guy, not get caught and he probably has the cure to Cancer too.

I wish this had stayed 'lost' and without a Release.

Want to know how much crap I watch in a Year?  Just see these Lists.

I actually watched so many Bad Films this Year that I nearly forgot to mention Tiptoes- in which Oscar Winner Gary Oldman plays the Little Person Brother of Oscar Winner Matthew McConaughey!  How bad must a Year be when THAT isn't the worst and/or silliest thing you see?!?

Here's to another Year of crap, but hopefully less of it.

Triple B Flix: Return to Savage Beach

It's the end of the World as we know it...and I feel fine.  Today's Film is Return to Savage Beach, the 1998 Film that proved to be the last one made by Andy Sidaris.  Given his 2006 death from Cancer, I'm just going to assume that he retired from filmmaking.  I wouldn't want to presume or speculate about any future project he had planned- if one even existed.  These Movies are too stupid and ridiculous to make depressing, so let me move on from this subject.  As the final Film in the Series, this has to be epic.  So, naturally, it's...a Sequel to a Film from the Series that didn't need one.  Seriously, almost NONE of the Actors from that Film were available/willing to appear at this point.  On top of that, the Plot of Savage Beach had them discovering the Treasure- end of story.  So, naturally, there is just more treasure.  Don't go Half Past Dead 2 on us!  The one area Sidaris did go big on was repetition and, I guess, nostalgia.  Are you nostalgic for when these Films were based around a Radio Station and Cargo Pilots?  As an additional note, this is still a Sequel to Day of the Warrior.  So that means a return of Bagwell- hence why Bob suffered through this with me- and Obregon...but only one is playing the same Character.  Obregon is playing the Villain from Savage Beach...who just happens to be the twin of the guy they just battled...again.  Given how they randomly-recast Kane for 2 Films or had Erik Estrada inexplicably be a good guy in his 2nd (and last) Sidaris Film, this is nothing new, I guess.  This one is slightly less of a Plot mess than the last Film- at least at first.  To see Sidaris go out with a bang (or two...or three), read on...

Holy Abrupt Location Change, Batman!  The Film opens in Hawaii and Julie Strain is there with...the Co-Creator of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Weird for so many reasons!

Good news, fans- the Sextrologist is back, but none of the Characters you actually cared about are!

In a repeat (or homage, I guess) of the early Films, our Heroes stop an Arms Deal.  This is done by way of a confusing series of events...

1) Shoot Explosive Tipped Bolt at Box of Explosives.
2) Nothing happens.
3) Man shoots Grenade Launcher at said Bolt.
4) First sparks and then explosion.

This lady disguises herself as a Pizza Lady and drugs the people in the LETHAL Force (new name) Building, since 'they sent everyone to help on the mission.'  Nobody else was with the 2 Agents, but...whatever.

The point of this: to steal the map to Savage Beach.  

Hey look- it's Paul Logan.  Before he was scissor-kicking CG Fish or mourning his 3rd Place Winner Son, he was in this Film.

Question- is working with The Asylum a step-up?

Plot Dump time as one of our Leads is suddenly-related to a Filipino General connected to the gold.  Cue the Stock Footage!

So they made all of the effort to get Buff Bagwell back.  He shows up, retcons that opening kill bit (it was now a Serial Killer, so they lessened his sentence) and is now an Agent.

After one brief fight, he does nothing but, well, this.

Here's the biggest problem with the Film- too many places and people.

Just in 90 minutes, we get trips from/to Los Angeles, Hawaii, Texas, Paris and the titular Island.
The Cast includes Okamura (wasted), Strain and Bagwell back, the Sextrologist, Mr. TMNT, an Asian Lady (who does nothing), Lead Agent, Paul Logan and the two lady Agents.

Sidaris can barely manage 4 people in these, let alone of these people!

Sparing you most of this Plot, Lead Agent is kidnapped by the blonde from earlier and some Ninjas.  Their goal- take some never-before-seen treasure on the Island.

One Ninja shoots the guy and he seems to be dead.  He lays on the ground and we see...that the Amulet blocked the bullet...but he's bleeding...and he's knocked out.  Um...come again?!?

After we learn that the blonde bad lady is actually undercover (naturally!), we get the long, drawn-out ending with Obregon.  I'll sum it up for you (and spare you like 10 minutes)...

Obregon reveals in a mixed of new and Stock Footage how he survived.  He somehow flew Dona's plane back, since I guess she didn't notice somehow!  After stealing his prints, we learn that...Obregon is actually his evil Cousin in disguise!

To make matters worse, we learn later that Obregon actually did survive!  You're ending the Series on this, guys?  Alright.  The End.

Ending with a convoluted bang of sorts.  Return to Savage Beach is not a good Film.  After 11 of these, is that a surprise?  More than the others, however, there is a confusing sense of Been There, Done That.  I've been repetitious in mentioning how repetitious this Series is as a whole, but this goes to a whole new level.  The Film is a weird sort of love letter to itself.  It jumps from location to location seemingly just to check off the boxes.  It's my job to check off boxes while watching this thing, not you!  The Film brings back many things, but not people.  Dona Speir was too good to actually show up for this one?  Ouch.  It is the worst kind of self-homage- a tedious one.  Why move from Hawaii to Texas to Los Angeles and then back again?  We shot Films in those places, so shut up.  Other than a tedious, drawn-out Ending, there's nothing new here.  All of the obvious stuff is here- pointless Sex Scenes, explosions, slow motion and exploding toys- and it is somehow worse than before.  Bagwell's Scene- seen earlier- follows one of them being kidnapped- time and place, guys!  Logan's Scene is an awkward stop after some Plot/Action AND also features a Fantasy Scenario for no good reason.  Just to annoy Bob, the exploding Toy Car is back, but also a Tank Toy...that just explodes too.  Why make it a Tank?!?  So yeah, this sucks.  If you've seen the other Films like I have, it is too self-referential with no improvements.  If you haven't seen all of them, you'll be confused why stuff happens and why they change locations so much for so little Plot.  On the plus side, I'm done with this until I dare go back and watch Sidaris' Seven.  Take us away, silly exploding Toys...

Next time, a 2-part look at the Films that Actors make to fund what they actually want.  First up, the money Film and it's Quest For relevance.  Stay tuned...