Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Ape vs. Mecha-Ape- New World Order (2024)

 The Asylum is a give that keeps on giving.

That gift is smelly socks, but it is a gift nonetheless.

In this case, let's look at a Japanese Poster for their most recent MonsterVerse rip-off Film.

As a bonus, its Title was designed to leech off of Marvel's most recent Film (that was meant to come out in 2024).

Hot damn!
Japan coming in hot!

I've not seen this Film, save for a few stills, but there's no way that it is this bombastic and cool.

One day soon I'll find out.

My Crazy Youth: A Fantastic Four Cartoon with a now ironic Guest Star

 A Fantastic Year to be a Marvel fan!

With the release of the first proper Trailer for this July's Fantastic Four: First Steps out now, let me look back at an earlier adaptation of the team.

This is 2006's Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes.

Specifically, I'm covering a later Episode which is notable for its Guest Star.

He...
Is...
I-RON MAN!

In this Show, the Foursome are famous Heroes located in New York City.

They have a sort-of Anime look to them, with the elongated bodies close to that of Aeon Flux.

Anyhow, they're being a fun family when they are attacked by the original Iron Man Suit.

It is soon joined by more!

The team goes right to the source, confronting Tony Stark at his Headquarters.

He's sure that his suits are safe...only to find them missing.

The unseen culprit tries to blow them all up.

As it turn out, the culprit is Dr. Doom!

Yep, that is why this Episode is so ironic to watch now in 2025.

Of course, the Heroes team up to save the day,

Iron Man vows to return the favor.
Does he appear again in the remaining 4 Episodes?

No.

A fun Episode.

After all, we get to see the Fantastic Four, Iron Man and Dr. Doom in one Episode.

I didn't see much of this Show originally, as its original run on Cartoon Network was very erratic.  Apparently only 8 of the 26 Episodes ran originally.

It took until 2009 until all of them actually aired.

The idea of Iron Man and Doom as villains is a popular one, going back to the 1970s where they ended up in Arthurian England.
Of course I'm not kidding.

This Show is pretty fun all around and is worth a look on Disney Plus, along with Iron Man's own show.

Just don't hold his scary smile against him please.

Are there more hidden gems to cover in this Series?  Let me take a look in the coming weeks...

Tubi Thursday: Pro-Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2014)

 With WrestleMania coming this weekend, why not some Wrestling content?

In this case, a silly Direct-to-Video Film with a bunch of over the hill Wrestlers.
Joy.

The Film begins with shots of people at a local Wrestling Show.

Amongst the group is the late Kevin Sullivan (who isn't officially in the Movie) and TNA's So Cal Val.

Notable to the Plot, however, is the fact that Shane Douglas straight up kills a guy in the ring...and leaves.

The Medic at the Scene just happens to be that guy's Brother.

He uses his money to get the Promoter (and also the Film's Director) to book Shane and some others a 'private Show.'

Our Director looks like Edgar Wright...if he was played by an Actor in a shoddy Biopic.

Also, he's evil now and kills a random lady.

He makes her a Zombie and she makes some more, including out of Shane Douglas' 'family.'

Does that qualify as 'getting their ass franchised?'

The Wrestlers- which include Roddy Piper, Jim Duggan, Matt Hardy and his future wife Reby- arrive at the place....

...before Zombies show up.  What a twist.

Kurt Angle was also invited as a 'surprise.'

That translates to 'we got him last minute and shot his Scenes in a day.'

Yeah, he's barely in this.

The group get split up and killed in various, cheesy ways.

This is a Film which raised its Budget via Kickstarter and Shane Douglas, so don't expect fancy CGI.

Do expect a surprisingly good performance her from Piper.
No, really.

Seriously, his few Scenes of actual emoting are good.

Was he too good for this?  Yes.

He manages to survive to the end with our Final Girl- just like Karl Urban yesterday.
Weird.  

The End.

It was honestly pretty painful, no matter how much I love Pro Wrestlers and cheesy Movies.

For starters, the almost all Nu Metal Soundtrack.  Ouch.
Not even the funny kind of bad music.

The Production and Plot are really cheap.  
It basically just amounts to random Wrestlers running around, sometimes getting a focus Scene and then dying to Zombies.

Outside of Piper, I just did not care.

He is truly the best part of this Film.  He has presence.  He can act here.  He actually feels motivated!

Give him a good Film and you get They Live.  Give him a cheesy, direct-to-video one and you get, well, the other 86% of his Filmography.

I do love the closing shot of Piper in front of an American flag.  Nothing embodies America like a Canadian Scotsman!

This one was just kind of annoying, didn't have great action and wasn't really the fun kind of cheesy.  In fact, here's a reenactment of my face when I realized that I still had over an hour to go in this one...

A Film that wastes a potential idea for more of the same Indy Horror.  I'm sure it was fun to be an Indy Wrestler getting beaten up in zombie makeup by Roddy Piper...but not for me.

'00s Trash: Doom (2005)

 In 2025, Karl Urban will Star in his 2nd Video Game Film (Mortal Kombat 2).  Why has it been 20 years since the last one then?

Today's Film is Doom, specifically the 2005 Film version.  
I saw this in Theaters.  Did you?
Don't be shy- we all make mistakes.

Like the Game Series, this one lasted in limbo for a while as an idea that just couldn't come to fruition.  Different Writers, Directors and Actors were attached.

Finally, Doom 3 came out and did huge.  The Film was based mostly on that (with liberal helpings of Aliens and others).

So why was it a flop?  Was my $7 not enough?

The Film, as mentioned, features Karl Urban and one of the last Films to have 'The Rock' in its credits, as he switched to his real name by the time Southland Tales came out.

Why did this fail?  Let's find out...

In the Cold Open, a bunch of Scientists are killed by an unseen thing/creature.

The head guy is Dr. Carmack.
Get it?  Get it?!?

A bunch of Marines are sent in to figure out what happened.

That involves teleporting to Mars via floating goo.

I have no questions about that whatsoever.

The group is made up of pretty basic Stock Characters.

Lead Guy (Urban), Leader (Rock), New Guy (who'd end up on Grantchester), Sassy Guy, etc.

Rock tries to talk Urban out of going, but he does anyways.
It wouldn't be much of a Film if he didn't.

As it turns out, the Lead Archaeologist is Urban's Sister (Rosamund Pike).

They spend the next 20+ minutes wandering around the dark facility to establish things.

Too bad you can't really see shit.

Along the way, the Stoic Veteran is killed and tensions run high.

What is killing people there?!?

Oh and The Rock might be going a little bit crazy.

Once he finds the Weapons Lab, he's drawn to the BFG (Basically Functional Gun- right?).

His mini-arc is getting his hands on it, which involves getting, well, someone else's hand to open the biometric locks.

They slowly figure out that the people are being mutated into Monsters by way of experimentation and said creatures spreading the infection.

More dead meats die, including the future Night King and Not Bill Duke from Predator.

Despite the Film being set in 2046 on Mars, this advanced lab still uses CRT monitors that you can swing like a flail! 

FYI for some reason, my friends and I found this bit hilarious at the time and I still remember it nearly 20 years later.

Things get worse as Rock goes full-on evil, kills the Rookie and is seemingly devoured by the mob (a la Day of the Dead).

Urban is wounded, so his Sister gives him the formula (which gives you a 24th Genomic Strain) to save him.

After 90 minutes, we finally get the famous First Person Sequence.

It is about a minute longer on the Unrated Cut here.  It is still too short.

The final battle comes down to Urban and Rocky (who didn't die). 

The two have Alien Infection Powers (a la T-Virus mutations in the Resident Evil Films).

Urban eventually blows up Rock and escapes with his Sister.

The End.

A Film that should have really focused more on the Plot and actually lighting its Scenes instead of just saying 'F**k' a few dozen more times.

This Film is pretty dumb.
To be fair, they borrow wholesale from Doom 3 in many ways, so blame that.

Mind you, that Game is not known for its Plot...so maybe write a better one.

As noted, this is the Unrated Cut, which means a bit more blood and swearing.  Little bits of Characterization are added and one sight gag is paid off.

We learn that early attempts to teleport failed, as noted by a Scientist missing his legs.  In the Theatrical Cut, we just kind of figure out what that means.
In the Unrated Cut, a pair of CGI legs hit the floor.  Hilarity ensues.

There are good, or at least fun, moments here. 
The Rock nails his 'going crazy' Arc nicely. 
The creatures look good (reminding me a bit of The Lair later).
Pike does her best with the material.

Ultimately, the Film does just enough fan service- like the BFG- to appease a small amount of the base, but not much more.
After all, they didn't pay to see it in 2005.

Now then, time to get back to my CrossFit Session...

Next up, maybe I'll watch something classier to cleanse my palette.  Any '70s Movies in the pile perhaps?  Stay tuned...

Shudder Day: Wolfkin (2022)

 Busy weekends have left no time for Shudder.

Let's make up for lost time with a freaky French Film...again.

This one is lupine.

In a Cold Open (in more ways than one), a lady is dumped by her boyfriend when he can tell that she's pregnant.

She apparently never sees him again and is now going to have to raise that kid...

As a Chef, whose life is even less glamorous than The Bear makes it out to be.

He Son is starting to act strange, apparently scratching one kid and then biting another.

What can she do?

How about her supportive Boyfriend?  Can he help.

This is a Horror Film- a French one at that!- so you know that won't work.

No SPOILER, but you know that something bad will happen to this poor guy at some point, don't you?

Desperate, she tracks down the bebe papa's Parents for help.

The Dad- who looks like French David Lynch- and Mom haven't seen her former lover either, but will help her with the kid.

Of course, there's lots of strange goings on at the House in short order.

The kid acts up.
The kid is put back down in strange ways.

The kid is told that he can't hunt with Grandpa.
The kid sneaks out with him anyhow.

The kid seems to be changed by the experience.

Is it the people?
Is it the place?
Is it something he ate?

Can she save her Son from himself?

Will the actual Title- Communion- factor into the Plot?

To find out, stream it now.

A good Film, even if it is really dreary and bleak.  Don't watch a Film like this after a long, hard day unless you're in the mood for even less pleasantness!

That said, the Film is well done.
I can appreciate a Film, even if it isn't my usual taste.

The Film presents a solid Heroine, a tough situation and even tougher solutions.  How far could you go for your kid?
How do you know which solution is right?
What if being nice and good won't fix things?

This is one of those Film that demands you pay attention to spot little details, from a look by the Maid to a throwaway line in the first 20 minutes that really factors into the 3rd Act.

I won't SPOIL things (more than the Poster sort of does), but you do eventually get some of that action you're looking for.  The Plot always comes first.

Wolfkin is a treat for people who like the darker, more complex Horror Films that don't pull their punches.  If that's your thing, France is your Country!

A Film that is bleak, sometimes tough to watch and damn good.  I'm in no rush to watch it and feel a bit depressed again anytime soon, but I don't regret picking it.

'80s Class: The Legend of Billie Jean (1985)

 Another holdover from Christmas found its way to the top of the pile and got a watch.

This is The Legend of Billie Jean, a 1985 Comedy/Drama.  It features Helen Slater, her (you would think so, but not really) 'brother' Christian (whatever happened to him?) and a few other notable names like Dean Stockwell. 
When I say 'Peter Coyote,' does a face come to mind?

To be fair, he's made a great career as a Narrator and Voice-Over Artist, working for stuff like Ken Burns' Documentary.  He's also a Zen Priest, so good for him.

The Film also features Yeardley Smith aka the voice of Lisa Simpson.  Does watching her talk in her normal voice- which is also her Lisa voice- get distracting in 2025?  Kind of.

The Plot involves a group of people- specifically Billie Jean, of course- who end up on the run from the law for something pretty dubious.  When they become Folk Heroes, things take a few interesting turns.

This one did get a Blu-Ray release, albeit one with no Menus and only Audio Commentary as a bonus.  Will this Film hold up as it approaches its 40th Anniversary?

To find out, read on...

It is Texas.
It is 1985.

Billie Jean, her Brother and her two friends are living in a Trailer Park.

Things aren't great for them.

A guy named Hobie steals their moped and then wrecks, beating up the Brother in the process.

Their Mother is not a help in any way.

They go to the Dad  of the boy with the bill and he seems to want to pay it...until he lures Billie Jean upstairs and tries to force himself on her.

He ends up getting shot with his own gun by accident when Christian handles it.

They flee, thinking that nobody will believe them.

Well, nobody- save Peter Coyote- seems to.

They try to hide out, quickly finding out that they are wanted...but also can't afford to leave the State.

They end up at an 'empty house' that is actually occupied by a friendly guy (the guy from Christine and Back to School).

He lets them stay and wants to help them spread their message.

Inspired by a Movie about Joan of Arc, Slater cuts her hair before creating a video message.

'Fair is fair.'

She's less Joan of Arc and more Mel Gibson from Payback though, as she just wants the money and an apology (for the assault and attempted rape).

Hiding out on the road, the group soon see that their message resonates with all of the young people.

They agree- Fair is Fair.

With their help, they manage to stay ahead of the law (empowered by the fact that the guy is the son of the District Attorney Dean Stockwell).

The would-be assailant, meanwhile, is merchandising the hell out of Billie Jean.

In the End, she gets her money and the guy loses all face value (as well as the merchandise that just burned down).

The End.

A Film that honestly resonates more than it has any right to.

For the record, I am not nor have I ever been a teenage girl.  I was a teenager in *cough*the90s*cough*, but not this decade.  It was given to me by my Niece and/or Grand-Niece, so hopefully it worked for them too.

So, a Film that was designed to really resonate with teenagers (especially girls) in a time that I was neither is an impressive achievement.

The Film manages to feel real by being just a little bit gritty.  It is about people who are ''80s poor' (so trailer parks, but never homeless), which helps things.

The Soundtrack is great, featuring Pat Benatar, Billy Idol and more.  I'm sure it was a great selling cassette in '85.

Slater really nails this role and, honestly, she deserves more credit than she gets.  Maybe give her a second (or third) look.

If nothing else, the Film showed how popular the Scooter she rode was.  Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines rode them in a Film the very next year!

Next up, another random Film is on board.  Have I not decided or am I being sneaky?  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Castle of Bloody Lust/Castle of the Creeping Flesh (1968)

 I've spoken before about how the most salacious Titles can lead to the most disappointing of Films.

Is this one of them?

Let's find out...

A group of rich folks are hanging out, drinking and just generally being unpleasant.

A pair of them decide to leave the party (and the woman's fiancée- who is chasing other women TBF) and ride off on horseback.

Sure- why not?!?

They go with some others and drink at, well, a different place.

One of them wanders off abruptly and the group splits up.

They all end up at a Castle which the Host (the guy above) said not to go to.
They just do it anyhow.

What is all of this have to do with the random shots we're getting off people seemingly doing surgery for hours on end?

Does it just add gore to the Film?

Yes.

They are greeted by German Nick Offerman (the Butler/whatever) and the Duke (Howard Vernon).

He's all sorts of weird, especially when their blond friend shows up.
He thinks he looks like his dead Daughter.

First on the tour, a display (with sounds?) of 3 guys abusing this lady.  Fun?

This one just kind of muddles on and on.

At one point, the guy below is attacked by a (man in a) bear (costume).

Another one of the group wanders around the Basement for a ludicrous amount of time.

It all ends with Vernon bringing his Daughter back (apparently) and then accidentally killing her again (and then the guy).

Cool.

Also what?  How?  Why? When?

Is this...is this a Parody?  Satire?

The Film is just all kinds of weird and I kind of wonder how much of this was done in post-Production for the most recent release.

The Film has a new(ish) release with digital credits.  Did they add in the cheesy Soap Opera music?
Maybe...but maybe not.

I like Gothic Films.  I like 'dreamlike' Films.

This kind of gives them both a bad name.

It is just confusing, meandering and full of accidentally silly bits.

If you're here because of the salacious Title, there is very random nudity, but not much blood.

It is just so beguiling in all of the wrong ways and boring in other ways that it almost makes you yearn for death.  Oh, there he is!

A Film that I think really meant something to at least one of the THREE Writers (including Jesus Franco).  Whatever that was, however, was lost somewhere in the mail.