Forgotten Sequels: Scary Movie 2 (2001)

 Has time been kind to this Sequel?  All signs point to 'no.'

This is Scary Movie 2, the Film that discards the tagline of the last Film.  The original Film had a 'No Sequel' line on the Poster.

It made too much money and was too much fun to make, so future releases- like my DVD Set- have it crossed through.
We currently sit at 5 Sequels, although only 2 were done by the Wayans Brothers.

This Film ditches the Slasher Parody to be about Ghost Stories and Haunted Houses.  I'm sure that parodies of House on Haunted Hill and The Haunting...'s Remakes will age well.
That and a tacked-on Exorcist Parody (since The Version You've Never Seen cut was released in 2000).

For better or worse, this Sequel also fully began the 'And Everything Else' Strategy of Parody that would define the Wayans-less Sequels.
Commercials?  Sure.  Charlie's Angels?  Why not?  Hannibal?  Go for it!

Clocking it at under 80 minutes, why does this still feel stretched thin?

To find out, read on...

The Film begins with a way-too-long Exorcist Parody involving James Woods and Andy Richter (who would make up for this by being in Obsession).

It ends quite abruptly, but not before Andy sings the N-word as part of a 'gag' where the White Actors sing a Rap Song.

Afterwards, we get a confusing 'One Year Later' tag on-screen.
One Year Later from that Scene (which is clearly in the '70s) or One Year Later from the last Film?

Regardless, Cindy isn't dead, Tori Spelling is (sometimes) here and Brenda isn't dead.

A Doctor- Tim Curry (damn!)- and his Assistant- David Cross- plan to try and awaken some ghosts at a Haunted (Hell) House by way of pretending to do a Sleep Study.

This is right from the Remake's Plot (mentioned in the Intro).
I guess Curry saying that he also wants to get laid is a new addition?

* A Deleted Scene explains that Ray is not dead- since it's the Sequel- but there's conflict between him and Brenda.  They didn't follow up on that AT ALL in the Film- they're a Couple again- so they cut the explanation *

They all meet up at the House- including the Masterson Brother not in Prison and a girl named Theo- and the Caretaker (Chris Elliot) is all sorts of gross.

That's the joke.

A whole bunch of this Movie is just a Parody of Poltergeist (whose last Film was released in 1988) too.

The Caretaker and Cross (this Sunday on ABC!) also don't get along.

Remember that bit in Wild Wild West where Jim and Loveless make jokes about their missing legs and being black (respectively)?

Here it is again.

A direct reference to The Changeling (which came out in 1980!) leads to...an extended Parody of a Nike Commercial (I think)?

Was this joke even current a year after this came out (let alone 25)?!?

It turns out that the culprit behind the whole thing is the last Owner, who is now a mean ghost in the form of Richard Moll.

* A Deleted Scene sets this up better, but they actively cut MOST of Tim Curry's Scenes *

After nearly killing Cross, he possesses the Caretaker (who was last seen 30 minutes earlier) to do the aforementioned Hannibal Parody and then this Charlie's Angels bit.

It's one of the few bits I remember (even if it sucks), so fair play...I guess.

I took this Shot before the Fountain makes it look like they're peeing

After lots of filler, they capture the ghost and everyone leaves...except for Tori Spelling.

She has 3 Scenes where she falls for the Ghost and then dies from a chandelier.  Only her and Curry die (and his is off-screen).

We end like the last one with Cindy being scared...but the car hits the Caretaker instead.
Are we done?

The End.

A Buffet of Comedy...that has been left out all day.  Time to change out the trays!

This one tries to do too much and also not enough.
They barely give out Arcs for the Characters, cut a bunch of content and then did lots of prolonged schtick to fill out the runtime.

Have I mentioned that the Film is not even 80 minutes long?

The attempt to do something other than just make fun of Slasher Films is appreciated.  It's just a shame that the solution they came up is 'Um, everything...I guess?' 

This is a Film where we go from Hannibal to Charlie's Angels to The Haunting.  It's erratic, at best.
The riffs on the source materials are either kind of dumb, uninspired or a bit offensive.

Many funny people- like Curry, Cross, Richter and Elliot- try to make it work.  Others just say their lines and hope for the best.

I'm not sure why we needed FOUR more after this, especially after a criminal waste of Natasha Lyonne!

Next up, let's return to Bond and Roger Moore.  This one is more grounded and features a quite iconic Theme to boot!  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Alien Rubicon (2024)

 After The Asylum's Predator Film was only so-so, how about their Alien Film?

As long as we get some low-budget Xenomorphs, I'm good!

A Scientist is preparing to go on Vacation with his kids.

A stop at the Observatory, however, leads to a UAP sighting and he's dragged into it.

A big, metal ball of a ship lands by New York and starts moving.

Picture Katamari Damacy, but not fun or whimsical.

It appears to be invulnerable to any weaponry.

It blasts any vehicle that gets near it.

Meanwhile, our Hero is flying around in a Helicopter with the Star of Ballistica and Mega Piranha.
Joy.

Can our Heroes find a way to stop this floating Pachinko Ball?

Will the folks over at CERN help?

Will shooting it somehow do a damn thing?

I mean, obviously not on that last one.

Now, about those Xenomorphs.  What do you got?

Sure- 10 seconds of that is enough.

Wow, this sure...wasn't what you were promising.

Scroll back up and look at that Poster again...

...and back to me now.
That's a creature not in this Film.
There's not even like a single shot of it as, for instance, the Leader of the Aliens.

Sadly, the bar for them is so low that I would have accepted that.

Instead, we get a pretty boring tale of President Michael Pare in a bunker (he's only ever in one), Ballistica Guy making constipated faces, Scientist guy alternating between pitching ideas and calling his kids & occasional shots of the ball.

A rush to a Third Act Climax does not make up for things.

When your Film is 40% Ballistica Guy making faces in an obviously fake Helicopter Rig, 20% a ball shooting lasers and 40% people pitching ideas to stop said ball, you're not doing well.

Imagine if they gave this thing an actual Premiere! 

A Film somehow less exciting and inspired than the last one.  There's a hint of a good idea hidden somewhere, but it's trapped inside a metaphorical big, round object. 
What do you call those again?

Streaming Standard: Borderlands (2024)

 I'm a big fan of the Games, having played every main entry in the Series save the newest one.

So why did I wait until now to watch the Film?

Well...

Lilith is a Bounty Hunter in a far-off Galaxy.

She's hired to bring back the Daughter of a big-time Executive of a major Arms Company.

This is her.
She's on Pandora.

It is the worst Planet in the Galaxy.

Things take a turn when she learns WHY the man wants his Daughter back (and how their actual relationship is).

She's no Heroine.

Teaming up with Roland, Krieg and (unfortunately for her) Claptrap, they must now find the famous Vault on Pandora.

What's inside?  Immeasurable treasure.
(in both meanings of the word)

Can they survive the journey with an army at their backs and dangerous individuals in front of them?

This won't be easy.

Will they save the day?
Will they unlock the Vault?
Will this gel with the game's storyline in any way?

To find out, stream it now.

Oh boy.  I've been sitting on this one for a few days.

Positives first.
They nail the look and feel of Pandora.  We get iconic Characters (in various forms) and hints of the crazy world.
I really liked Tiny Tina here.  They did her right.

With that out of the way, I have to ask- Who was this Movie made for?

It picked and chose random aspects from the Series to make a hodge podge Story that is similar enough to the original Game to make it weird that they picked certain people.
Borderlands 1 has Lilith, Brick, Roland and Mordecai.

Tiny Tina appears first in Borderlands 2, while Krieg appears as a DLC (or Downloadable Content) in the same game.

Why make them so prevalent if this is the first Game's Story?

Additionally, the Casting is hit or miss with the big names.
Blanchette is always good, but she's just not Lilith here.
Black as Claptrap is fine, but the Character is 100% Voice Acting anyways, so why not just use the official guy?
Hart- to his credit- is less goofy here, but he's still not Roland.

Otherwise, the Film is just very generic and bloodless (to get a PG-13) Rating. 
It just doesn't please anyone and the Box Office showed it.

I did really like you as Marcus though, mate!

A Film that has small doses of what you'd expect from the Franchise.  Sadly, the rest of the Film feels like a mix of great cosplay and something else entirely!

Forgotten TV: The Outer Limits - 'The Light Brigade'

 A rare Sequel in this otherwise self-contained Series.

We return to the World of Humans vs. Aliens in this Episode.

In deep space, a human warship is traveling towards the alien home planet when it comes under attack!

There are only a few survivors, specifically Will Wheaton, Robert Parrick and another guy in the Engine Room.

They keep the ship going, as they plan to drop a big-ass bomb on the alien home world!

The group is joined by Graham Greene, who also survived.  

They work towards the front to keep the ship going and arm the bomb.
They lose the wounded guy along the way.

They are dealing with radiation sickness (from the damaged generators), but they must keep going.

Intrigue builds as well, as they talk about the aliens using spies.
Patrick notes that he was freed from a Prison Camp.

As it turns out, Patrick is an alien spy!  He was replaced after the events of Quality of Mercy.
He is trying to arm the bomb, but Wheaton tries to escape with the key.

He manages to kill 'Patrick' and releases the bomb.

Someone cuts open the shaft and Will realizes that he's dropping the bomb on Earth (as Patrick turned the ship around while the others were unconscious).

Whoops.  The End.

An upgraded version of a classic Bottle Episode of the Series.

This one builds upon that concept and raises the stakes.
It's about as bad as of an Ending- at least as far as Earth is concerned.

This one is done with zero aliens (save for a tease of a reveal near the end) in this one.
In their place, we get some nice, CGI shots of the ship and other digital effects.

They aren't mind-blowing, but they are good for their time and not distractingly bad.

The Ending is a point of contention, as some people love the bleak nature of it.
It is clever- no question.
Should Wheaton have figured out that something was off when he dropped the bomb after trying to stop Patrick from dropping it?  Probably.

I think the point is that the blind pursuit of heroism is a bad thing and that's what he does.

No matter how you feel, don't fight about it.

Next time, we get to the final Episode in the Top 10.  A man seeks a cure and it goes horribly wrong.  See you then.

Tubi Thursday: Predator - Wastelands

 It's Mockbuster Month over on Tubi Thursdays this September.
Heaven help the idiot who came up with this idea!

To start us off, here's The Asylum's...

I guess you can't copyright 'Predator,' eh Mr. Hansen.

A Not Predator (called Alien Predator in Subtitles) lands on a strange Planet.

It's definitely not just the California Desert.

A maligned group of people- all 4 of them- live under the thumb of a bad guy.

The NP kills two bad guys, but is wounded.

The villain- Baywatch's David Chokachi- is mining gems that, you'll never guess this, also power the NP's weapons/gear.

He's a bad guy and spends as much time as possible in the singular Cave Set.

The NP eventually steps into action once again to save them, as the crystals revive/heal him.

And so begins his gradual journey to help them...sometimes.

Unlike the Film they copy, this creature never talks until the very end, so we have zero connection to this mute giant in foam rubber.

Big finale time and the NP takes off it's helmet/mask for what I can only assume is the Trailer's money shot.

It defeats the bad guys and decides that it has found a new Home.

Also, this is Earth.  It's not important to anything, but yeah, it's Earth.

The End.

A Film that definitely tries to be something bigger than it really can be.

I have a theory that The Asylum makes a Script in 3 Parts.

1) Write Script
2) Realize it is too expensive to Film
3) Cut every corner and hope it still delivers

All of this is on display as we get copy-paste minions for group shots, some possibly AI imagery, talk of a Resistance Uprising...that turns out to be 2 people.

Hell, we never see any of the Villages that 'dot the land' until one random shot of (seemingly) AI people for like 2 seconds.

They do have a decent Story, Chokachi is fun to watch as he often overacts Nic Cage-style and they have some good effects.

If they could just make them all come together at some point, I'd be happy.
Unlike this guy, who just realized that you ripped of his Trailer Shot for your own...

A Film that is not truly terrible, but it kind of drags.  There are decent ideas and people behind the Scenes...that just can't make it more than a so-so affair.

5,500th Post Celebration: Zodiac (2007)

 Alright, Internet- you win.

At long last, I've given in and watched David Fincher's 2007 Film known simply as Zodiac.
It's not about Astrology- sorry.

It's actually about the Zodiac Killer, who plagued California for a while and still remains an unsolved case- at least officially.  Everyone is 99% sure who did it, but he's dead and was never formally convicted.

This Film tells the entire tale and is based on Robert Graysmith's Book.  Coincidentally, he's also the young, handsome Lead Character in the Film.

Alongside a Reporter and countless Cops, he (eventually) works to try and solve the unsolvable case.
Where is the mystery when you know the case is unsolved?

That's a question surely asked by Fincher and company.
Maybe that's why he pivoted to Mindhunter- they were already in jail!

Is this Film a masterpiece of details or an example of cinematic excess?
To find out, read on...

In 1969, a Couple pulls off alone on July 4th.

A car pulls up and a flash blinds them until he walks up and shoots them, killing her and nearly the guy too.

A letter is sent to a bunch of newspapers, including the San Francisco Chronicle.  It contains a confession and a cipher message.

The Cartoonist- Graysmith- unofficially works with the lead Reporter- Paul Avery- to figure out what is going on.

Is this legit?

In September, another Couple is targeted.

This time, Zodiac is wearing a full Supervillain outfit and stabs the duo, killing the woman.

Later still, he kills a Cab Driver- Paul Stine- and the Cops miss him leaving the crime scene.

This brings in our 3rd Lead....

A Detective- Paul Toschi- who learns that this case is connected to the other killings.

It becomes his life for the next few years.

All of a sudden, this is about Robert again, as his date with Chloe Sevigny is interrupted by having to call Avery, who they suspect is in danger.

He all but taunted Zodiac and is seeking out an anonymous Lead.

The Cops eventually get enough partial leads to bring them to see a man named Arthur Leigh Allen, who fits the bill in so many ways.

John Carrol Lynch would go on to play a Killer Clown on American Horror Stories and then the most famous one not created by Stephen King.

Did this set him up for that?

Here's where the trouble really picks up...

A bunch of time passes now and the Zodiac remains silent for some reason.
Avery leaves the Paper and the case eventually becomes the obsession of Graysmith.

He's now our Lead again as he tries to connect old clues and find new ones.

Other than making him get weird phone calls and a book deal, this goes nowhere.
He goes to see Allen...and does nothing.

In 1991 (8 years after the last Graysmith Scene), the Book comes out and the survivor of the Opening Scene reappears.
He picks Allen out of a lineup...

...and the Film cuts to black now.  We get text telling us that Allen died before questioning and this didn't go anywhere.
What an unsatisfying conclusion.

A Film whose appeal is 100% clear to me...but I didn't love it.

Objectively, the Film is well-made.  It's shot well, directed well and has a good Score.

So, what's my issue exactly?
The format.  To me, it is all wrong.

The Film tells the tale chronologically and leaves out almost no details.
That's why it is so damn long and requires SO (pause) MANY (pause) TIME JUMPS.

A simple way is to tell the Story entirely from Graysmith's point of view.  Have it start when this one really makes him the Lead and you can still have the big reenactments of the murders.

Instead of happening and then being litigated an hour or so later, they happen when he covers the case for the Book.

Make him the focus and make the format of the Story- which covers from 1969 to 1983- work FOR you and not AGAINST you.

I'm sure that it is blasphemy to some people to say 'Remake this Film by Fincher,' but I'm all for it.

Speaking of things I'm all for, here's the return of James LeGros after I literally just covered his Episode of The Outer Limits!

Next time, let's resume our normal, non-anniversary activities.  In a complete tonal shift, it's time to revisit the Scary Movie franchise (since I paid $3.18 for a DVD).  Stay tuned...