TV Grapple Crap: Thunder in Paradise II

Hopefully I'll be able to follow it without having watched Thunder in Paradise I!  I suppose that the first question is 'Why this movie?'  Fair enough.  To answer, here's some important background.  Hulk Hogan left the WWF (now WWE) in 1993 after tricking Vince McMahon into giving him their World Title and then leaving to go film a movie.  Right around Hulk's title win was the introduction of Monday Night Raw (which is still on!) and they had no Champion to show up on TV.  Joy.  He went to World Championship Wrestling within the next year (after dropping the Title, of course) and got some perks with his signing.  

One of the big ones was more Acting gigs, since Hulk really wanted to be the next Schwarzenegger.  You know how that has worked out, obviously. 

 In addition to being their World Champion (naturally), he also Starred in a show on Ted Turner's TNT Network- Thunder in Paradise.  To exploit the Video Market, two multi-part Stories were released as Films.  

So, let's circle back to the first question.  The most simple answer is availability- this one was Available now and the first Film was on Very Long Wait.  The longer answer is to show someone online that it is possible to make it through.  The long-running site Wrestlecrap.com features many Hulk Hogan movies- like Three Ninjas: High Noon on Mega Mountain and No Holds Barred.  They also reviewed the first 'Film,' but tapped out on the second.  I can do better than that.  Oh and Michele- they also did Little Hercules in 3-D.  So will this TNT Show-turned-Movie live up to the pedigree of...okay, I can't finish this sentence.  This is a Hulk Hogan 'film'- it is going to suck.  To find out how much, read on...

The Thunder in Paradise Credits are a blatant rip-off of Baywatch, just with Hogan in place of 'The Hoff.'

I'd complain, but...well, at least they ripped off Baywatch and feature busty ladies in bikinis.  Am I shallow?

In the Cold Open, Hulk and his buddy- the son of Jack Lemmon!- attempt to rescue a Princess from the Epcot Backlot...I mean, a vague Foreign land.

I hope you like this footage, since you get it TWICE (with minor Edits).

The Show/Film seems to end early with the boat Thunder being destroyed.  Naturally, we can't be that lucky, so...

It was all a dream!  At least they're getting the bullshit fake-out done now and not later.

The lead lady- Carol Alt- has a 'shared dream' with this supposedly-Arabic Prince.  They fall in love instantly, since...plot.

Fun Fact: the Bodyguard on the right is Fred Ottman aka Tugboat aka Typhoon aka The Shockmaster.  He's also 'buds' with Hogan, hence his appearance.  He won't be the last one...

Things turn bleak when Alt is going to be forced to marry a rival Leader.  He's played by the man known as Giant Gonzalez aka El Gigante.  He's widely-considered to be the worst Wrestler of all-time.

Why he's dressed up like a 7'3 Osama Bin Laden is anyone's guess.  This was a year after the first WTC Bombing, so...it might be intentional.

Need to kill time and be ridiculous?  Why not fill time with action involving Hulk Hogan scuba-diving, undersea mines and the laser on a boat?

Because it is stupid, you say?  Oh- too late.

Hogan and company face some turmoil, but ultimately come to the rescue.  For all you who felt cheated by Giant Gonzalez and Hulk Hogan not fighting at the previous year's Wrestlemania IX, you get your wish!

By the way, you really need help.

They have to escape, however, since the less bad people are still bad.  This allows this 'film' to re-use the same footage from before, plus some new ones.

I will spare you alot of this, but I will say that THIS is apparently an effective strategy to avoid taking falling damage.  No, really.

So all is well.  Joy.

I had to put an extra Cap in this review since you just have to see the unintentional gay overtones on display.  Enjoy.  The End.

This is certainly something alright.  The interesting parts of the movie are not at all what they are supposed to be.  The Action- pretty generic.  The Acting- it's a Hogan 'film,' so take a guess.  The Story- pretty dumb.  Let's sum it up, shall we?  A young girl and Carol Alt both have prophetic dreams (thanks to vague Hawaiian magic).  The latter falls in love with a guy since they 'shared a dream,' only to get dragged into a military conflict between two Nations.  Her only hope: two unmarried men who live in a house together that are raising a kid together and happen to have a ridiculous, military boat.  Yeah, that all adds up.  What makes this worth watching is just how silly and ridiculous it is.  Seriously- this is pretty damn funny!  All of the goofiest parts of Made-for-TV Action is on display here.  It is also a bit of an ego trip for Hogan- par for the course.  If you missed Hogan's film career, you can do FAR worse than this one.  Seriously, Santa With Muscles was a thing.  As I look forward to Wrestlemania XXX tomorrow, I can take solace in the fact that Hogan is *just* the Host.  Take us away, random friend Cameo...

Next up, a film Classic finally gets its due on Mondo Bizarro.  With an ugly monster and a famous Actor's debut, what could go wrong?  Stay tuned...

Grapple Crap: Shadow Warriors

I blame you for this, Ted Turner!  As part of his deal to jump to WCW, Terry 'Hulk' Hogan was given other TV/Movie Deals on the Turner Networks.  It's because of this we got such things as Thunder in Paradise and the Shadow Warriors films.  Speaking of which, here is one of them.  The pair of films were made for TNT back in 1999.  Joy.  The film is about Hogan leading a group of Mercenaries that help out the common man a la The A-Team.  People sure do love to copy that show/film, don't they?  Who's on Hogan's team?  You've got Carl Weathers.  The man who beat Rocky, lost to Rocky and then got killed by a Predator.  A mixed track record for sure.  Oh and he was in an Asylum film.  Who's working with Action Jackson and The Hulkster?  We've also got Shannon Tweed, who hasn't been in a film I've reviewed in about three years.  Where does the time go?  The film's plot involves an Arms Dealer, a missile and lots of shooting.  If Hostel is 'Torture Porn,' then Shadow Warriors is 'Mass Gunfire Porn.'  If you like violence with zero consequences, this is your film.  If you like Hogan's toupee, then this is your film.  If you like bad '90s films, then this is DEFINITELY your film!  To find out more, read on...

Hogan's character is bothered by some sort of past trauma.  This is how he expresses that emotion.

Okay, this is how he expresses 90% of his emotions, but you get the idea.

Hogan and company are hired to rescue this girl from a vaguely-European guy who's hosting a fancy dinner party on a Mountain.  Those Downton Abbey bitches are going to get a cap in their ass!

The gang make a prolonged escape via a Tram and some rope ladders leading down to the ground.  It's the low-budget, low-excitement version of the 'Rope Line Escape' from The Expendables 2.

After they rescue the girl, this plot thread never comes up again.  Yeah, you just watched one-third of the film acting as filler.

The *real* plot begins when Hogan recognizes a man on a Wanted Poster as a supposedly-dead Arms Dealer.

We are eventually treated to a flashback hinted at earlier.  Basically, Hogan's men were killed by him and Hogan himself was poisoned.  He remembers the man's cold eyes and is convinced that they are the same.

While the others go to investigate whether this could be true or not (and meet Martin Kove), Hulk goes off on his own.  He decides to handle it the American way: he shows up with twin Assault Rifles and starts shooting terrorists in the face!

Important to note: Hulk never once dodges a shot or seeks cover.  In spite of that, he's not even grazed by a single bullet.  Wow.

He's eventually caught and injected with a poison that will kill him...in 72 hours.  Yeah, the villain didn't think this one through.

Hulk doesn't stay to get treated.  He joins his group to try to stop the Arms Dealer from unleashing the same toxin via a missile on the general populace.  Oh and the place targeted is where Tweed's daughter is.  Of course it is.

Hogan battles his way to the bad guys and tries to get the Arms Dealer.  Before he can do that, however, he must do battle with his main henchmen.

The man: future-Jason Ken Kirzinger (doing his best Kool-Aid Man here).  Bonus points for having Hogan do the 'Seagal Neck Snap' on him.

While Hogan pursues the villain, the rest of the team stops the threat.  Weathers and Tweed disable the bomb, while their fourth (barely-worth-mentioning) member finishes the other gang members off.  Oh and Martin Kove is flying around shooting people with a Magnum.

For the big finish, Hulk is cured, the villain is dead and they stop the missile.  They also rigged the place to explode, setting them up for this cliche.  It's oh so silly here.  The End.

It's exactly what you think it would be.  What can I say about this film?  It's a late-90s Action film built as a Starring Vehicle for Hulk Hogan.  It co-Stars Shannon Tweed and Carl Weathers.  Did you expect it to turn out to be great?  No.  The film is appropriately-stupid and features everything that you'd expect.  The worst thing that could happen is that the film could be so generic that nothing is interesting about it.  It isn't.  Even if you pay no attention to the barely-there plot, you get silly action scenes, lots of fake gunfire and tons of fake fight scenes.  It is fairly-forgettable 90s trash as a whole.  If you like this kind of stuff, it is pretty fun.  Incidentally, the other film has Billy Drago as the Villain and Billy Blanks as his Henchman.  Naturally, I didn't get THAT one.  As a bonus from the film though, it features a young Emmanuelle Vaugier (the same year as The Fear: Halloween Night)...

Next up, a Cult Classic that I finally got around to re-watching.  With it getting a nod in Saints Row IV, the time is right to go Live with this one.  Stay tuned...