Re-Review: Jaws of Satan (aka King Cobra)

Back in 2016, I had a decent enough copy and was okay at writing these.
In 2026, I have an HD Copy and am hopefully a bit better at writing these.

As such, let's look back at Jaws of Satan, a 1981 Film that was a bit late on the big Film trends of the 1970s.

Killer Animals!
Films about Satan!

As the Meme goes, why not both?

The Plot involves Satan coming to a small Town as a snake to kill a Priest.  You'd think he'd be busy keeping the Public Domain Horror trend alive, but whatever!

Like many bad things, it comes to us from a guy named Bob. 
Mr. Claver was a Director for lots of forgotten TV Shows like Here Comes the Bride to respected stuff like The Bob Newhart Show to the cheesiest of 80s Shows like Small Wonder and BOTH Shows where the Lead is an Alien Teen (Out of This World and The Powers of Matthew Star).

Somewhere in the middle of all that, he made this Film.

Is it better than I remembered now that I can see Fritz Weaver's pores?  To find out, read on...

This still has the original Title.

On a train, a killer snake breaks free of a chest...somehow (it apparently pushes open the lid via magic) and kills the two people on board.

We immediately saw how you do these Scenes in the late '70s- you put a snake behind a plate of glass.

Note the guy's reflection.

This is a Jaws Film in a new skin (which it doesn't shed).

As such, we have the corrupt Mayor who will ignore the problems due to opening a Dog Track.

This guy's name would have been a funnier joke a few years back.

Nobody told me life was going to be this way.

At a Party, this Psychic lady warns the Priest (Weaving) about a danger facing him.

The snake is looming, since it is way scarier as an ominous shadow.

Said woman is killed off camera for dramatic effect as the Mayor tries to hide the bodies from study.

Maybe we should take it seriously now.

A Snake Expert (a la Hooper) arrives and he does help out, but can only do so much.

Weaver's Mon Signor warns him of some sort of family danger involving Druids (no, really) and Satan.

The snake chases him, only fleeing when he presents a cross.

A Meeting where they get the Town together to deal with the threat.

It's not an official piece of Jaws Bingo, but it is a key one.

In my previous Review, I joked about this random guy attacking the Lady Scientist was random filler, but...actually, it's not.

The snake scares him off and then we see the Mayor complaining about how 'he' failed.
Imagine if the Mayor in Jaws hired a hitman to kill Brody!

The Film is more famous for being the Film debut of Christina Applegate.

She plays the Mayor's Daughter (and her Mom is her Mom here) and eventually ends up being bitten (but survives).

The Dog Track Plot ends with her attack, by the way, and that's it.

It all ends with the Lady, the Expert and the Priest (this Fall on CBS) in a cave with the Satan Snake.

Weaving says his prayers and the snake is lit aflame!

I was expecting it to explode or something else to happen, but...no.

Let's just leave, shall we?
Okay.  The End.

It's fun in a silly way and it works because it is treated so seriously.

The Films is kind of a glorious mess.  It is about Satan.  It is about Snakes.  It is clearly just a re-skinned version of Jaws.

Credit where credit is due, the Actors do as good of a job with this as you possibly can.  This is absolutely a candidate for private riffing or a Rifftrax Feature.

I didn't even mention how they used every angle to imply that you would see the Lady naked, but you never do.  It's so sleazy and hilarious.

The snake looks good in still form, but they always use the glass plate trick (as they should).  That said, the thing also doesn't appear to have fangs at all, so...huh?

It's all very silly and I don't hate it.  The 4.0 score on IMDB seems a bit low, if you ask me.
That said, Mr. Claver only did one Feature Film, so...

This might be a recurring thing, so, for now at least, enjoy how well this Film scores...

It 'explodes into flames,' so does that count?

Next up, a random Film from my recent collecting of out of print Films.  Which one is next?  Stay tuned...

Holiday Flix: Hack-O-Lantern (1998)

 Today make sure to carve a pumpkin, not a person!

This is Hack-O-Lantern, a 1988 Film that keeps my streak of not watching Trick 'r Treat going.
Sorry, Film- maybe one day.

It comes to us from Jag Mundra, the Director of, well, nothing else I've ever seen.  Given the quality of this Film, that may not change anytime soon.

The Plot involves a family, a creepy grandpa and a dark ritual.  It's set on two different Halloweens, so it still works today.

Will evil win this day?
Will our Hero resist temptation?
Will the Plot stop for five minutes to let a random Stand-Up Comic try out his 'tight five?'

To find out, read on...

In, um, 1975...maybe, a blond kid is given a pumpkin and a strange gift from his Grandpa.

He cuts his hand during the carving later and the Mom smashes it.

The Dad is upset about Grandpa still visiting.

He goes out to his House on Halloween Night (not that one) and it turns out that he was having a ceremony with his Satanic Cult.

Whoops.

He's killed and we see that the Grandson was given a satanic amulet.

One transition later and now he's an Adult who poses like Jeff Goldblum.

We get to see the now grown up family- two sons and a daughter- and their random, dead meat friends.

Grandpa wants the Grandson to do a big ritual that night to fully join the Cult.

In the meantime, a masked guy is killing the dead meat.

The other Son is a friendly Cop.

He meets with the Mom- who has aged well!- and tries to get his big Brother to change.

Silver Spoons here fails.

Skipping ahead past the random Rock Video and Halloween Party filler, the Grandpa gets the chosen one for the Ceremony, but it is interrupted by the Sister.

Her Boyfriend was killed by- she assumes- the Brother and calls him out.

Grandpa tries to sacrifice her, but the Brother frees her...and that's his Arc over.

She calls the Cops to the Barn from the ritual, but it is empty now.

The Cult- or at least one of them- is now at the Party and kills a few people, including her best friend.

At this point, we get to the big twist when the killer in the mask arrives and Grandpa confronts them!

The masked Cultist kills Grandpa, who sets up the Sequel Bait.

Said killer was wounded and wanders to the tombstone of the Dad and it's...Mom?!?

'What a Twist!'

In the aftermath, we see that the Sheriff's Deputy Son was corrupted by Grandpa's touch on the forehead and now he's the new Leader.

Dun dun dun!

Oh right- no Sequel (and the Director died 14 years ago).

A pretty underwhelming Film, especially for a Halloween Film.

To be fair, it does feature a Party, many people in costume and pumpkins.
It's not a cheat to call this a Halloween Film, but does it fit the spirit?

The Plot is both too rushed and too slow.
They clearly didn't have enough Plot for the full 80 minutes, so it just stops for the Party Scenes, the Rock Video and that random Comic.

What you actually get is really melodramatic, not too well acted and also with a hint of incest.  
First Elves did it for Christmas and now YOU did it for Halloween!

There is some fun to be had here- intentional and unintentionally- but I'd recommend most other Halloween Films over this.

That said, what the hell is going on with this background picture?!?

Have a Happy Halloween.  Try to avoid any Cults if you can- unless they offer seasonal cocktails, of course!

Tubi Thursday: Fright House (1989)

 I only got half the Movie that I was promised...and I'm okay with that.

This was going to be a special Tubi Thursday in one regard...but now it is a different story.

To find out, read all about the...

A hairy guy with a mullet makes out with his girlfriend...now his fiancée.

They get right up to actually having sex.

We cut to this random guy- who looks like the Drummer in Any '80s Band- wandering around a building and eventually being killed by a demon hand...I think.

It is called a suicide.

Later, a nerdy guy talks about a fireplace in the middle of the woods being a portal to Hell...and die off-screen.

A jarring cut goes from hand appearing to the Funeral!

Our guy- who is a Cop- talks to the guy's Therapist...because he was his Brother!

The Cop guy sends a random Cop Lady undercover at the School- via the worst ADR in history- and talks to his Boss....played by Al Lewis.

Why have I seen two Al Lewis Films (that aren't The Munsters) in the past week?!?

After barely any setup, a bunch of random groups of people go into this Building.

We see Cultists.
We see Monsters outside.

People die.

The Cop is undercover in the group, which means he has bad KISS makeup on.

To the surprise of nobody, the leader of the Cult turns out to be Grandpa Munster.

Clearly being in Gremlins 2 is a major upgrade for playing off-brand Ernest Borgnine in The Devil's Rain.

In our big finale, our Hero keeps yelling off-camera for him to stop...but does nothing.

He throws a crystal from earlier and everything explodes.

The Cop and his Fiancee wake up and go off...but she's possessed...I think (more on that later).

At this point, FH is supposed to then cut to a condensed version of 1986/88's Vampires, with Duane Jones.

The Tubi Version doesn't.  Oh well.

********

This Film sure...exists.  I wish that I could say more fun things about it.

The Film is a bunch of random bits, little bits of setup and then a bunch of 'action' in the latter half.

They introduce about a dozen Characters.  They do little with any of them.

Literally one Scene just kills off 5 of them off-screen in a few seconds.
The hell?!?

I wasn't expecting lots from here...and I was right.

Fright House is lots of nothing, a few cliches, Al Lewis hamming it up and that's about it.
Oh and the HD Remaster ruins the final shot, apparently removing the evil eye effect (seen here in an SD copy on YT).

It's a Thriller, Thriller Cliche.

A Film that promised me two tales and only gave me one.  Given that I didn't like the missing section the first time, I'm good.

Holiday Shudder-Day: The Sacrifice Game (2023)

 A Film about a dark, blood sacrifice- Merry Christmas to me!

This is The Sacrifice Game, a 2023 Horror Film brought to me by Shudder.  I had more plans for Christmas than I can manage- basically a free/cheap way to cover the 2019 Black Christmas Remake- this Year.

As such, I'll settle for this Film- the Horror Version of The Holdovers.

* 1970's Setting- check.
* Student(s) and Teacher left at a School- check.
* Lots of death- okay, just this one.

This one is recent, so minimal SPOILERS ahoy!

A gang of crazed killers is on the loose in 1971.

They are very ritualistic and there's clearly something more going on.

Bad news- they are headed towards a School.

There's worse news, of course.

A trio of people are left there for Christmas.

A young lady abandoned by her Stepdad due to a business, a strange girl stuck there for no clear reason and a Teacher to watch them.

Things go badly for everyone involved.

Cop on the way- dead.
Boyfriend- not doing well.

Oh, and they're here to summon something evil...

What happens when things don't quite go their way?

Well, there's a good 30 minutes left in the Film for worse things still to happen.

To find out, stream this festive fright now.

A fun, freaky Christmas Film for all of you out there who don't want to watch A Christmas Story all day.

This one is more of a freaky Film than a scary Film.

It features some brutal stuff, so don't go expecting psychological torture or any of this boring (in this single instance) stuff.

The Film pulls no punches in nearly every Scene that involves something bad happening to a human body.  It has an extra edge because- for the most part- you are seeing people that feel real having very bad things happening to them.

In other words, it is more A Nightmare on Elm Street than A Nightmare on Elm Street 6 (which is still fun TBF).

The Plot takes some nice twists and turns.  You'll probably figure some of them out before the Characters do.

Even so, I liked the whole thing for being a bit subversive and interesting.

Now to tell a friend- they love my recommendations!

A Film that is more than what you think.  It doesn't reinvent the wheel either- so just enjoy it!

Shudder-day: Late Night with the Devil (2024)

 At long last, the Film that made different groups mad for VERY different reasons.

How do I feel?

Let's find out...

A Late Night TV Host- David Dastmalchian- has been competing with Johnny Carson, but he's never beaten his ratings.

His Contract is nearing the end and he's desperate.

So, on Halloween Night, he books a *spooky* Episode with some possibly real danger behind it.

I wonder if Conan ever tried that with The Tonight Show?

He books a Psychic to impress the audience and then a famous Skeptic (based on James Randi).

The goal was to get conflict, which would hopefully pop the Ratings.

The Psychic experiences some strange issues during his set and be taken to the Hospital.

The main Guest was now booked- a girl who was possessed by a demon!

What could go wrong?  
To find out, stream the Film now!

It's really good, so I really don't want to SPOIL too much.

It gets intense.
It gets freaky.
It gets good.

The Film does a nice job of building up tension like, well, a '70s Film.  I guess that's on-brand.
Dastmalchian really shines here.  It's nice to see him in a Leading Role, as he's shined in Supporting Roles for a long time.

I will say that the Film's beginning is really exposition and narration heavy.  I love Michael Ironside's baritone voice and all, but the poor guy has lots of heavy lifting to do.

That aside, the Film is a really good one.  I'm glad that the outrage- justified or otherwise- has not stopped people from checking this one out.

You should too.  What's the worst thing that could happen?

The rumors are true- this is quite good.  Listen to the Devil on your shoulder and check it out.

Hail Stan: Satanic Panic (2019)

 After a long, holy holiday weekend, let's get back to Lord Stitch!

This is 2019's Satanic Panic, a Horror Film produced by Fangoria.  Why not?  This one was notably marketed as 'Panic' in Wal-Mart, thanks to a slipcover. 
My version has this, despite me buying it at a Thrift Store.

The Plot involves a poor woman, some Satanists and a ceremony gone awry.  It gets bloody.  It gets freaky.  Does it get good?

Let's find out.. 

A young woman- Hayley Griffith- is forced to work a dead end job delivering pizzas.

You don't know even know her tragic backstory yet and you already feel bad, no?

She gets stuck delivering to some rich guy who doesn't tip.

On top of that, her moped breaks down.

Time to take some bad advice and ask for money at the Party.

By the way, they are Satanists.

Big mistake!

She manages to sneak away to a nearby House.

Rescue incoming?

I won't SPOIL why, but, well no.

She ends up working with a young lady with a personal connection to the Leader of the Cult- Rebecca Romijn- and some information that can keep them alive.

Of course, nothing comes easy!

Escape isn't so simple and the Ceremony seemingly can't be stopped.

Who will live?
Who will die?

Who will be summoned?

To find out, watch the Film now.

It's pretty good.  It is not devilishly good though.

Am I all out of puns?
You sure hope so!

Seriously, the Film is pretty good.  It has some neat ideas in it, some crazy Characters and some really fun moments.  Having some good Comic Actors in this really helps.

For instance, Ardin Myrin as Gypsy nearly steals the Show.  You'd know her most famously from MadTV, plus Wrong and Wrong Cops.  She's great.

Griffith makes a nice Every Woman here, constantly struggling to keep up with the insanity going on around her.  She gets a nice Character Arc as well.

For me, the Film is never quite more than a serious of weird sight gags, gross out moments and Comedy.  There's an attempt to make this great, but I think it just didn't quite land.

By the way, if you're wondering what 'Natalie' from Birdemic is up to now, here she is from 2019...

So, what's next on the agenda?  Let's do another Original vs. Remake look, shall we?  It's getting foggy....