Starch Overload: Children of the Corn V- Fields of Terror

Well, it's a start...kind of. 

 After the last, unrelated film in the series, we see a chance for something better.  Granted, the series hasn't been consistently-good since the first film.  

This one at least brought back the number to the titles, so, um, yea?  

The plot of this movie is, unfortunately, about the same as any bad slasher film made in the last thirty years.  

Random people get lost in a town that happens to have a killer/monster/cult in it and has to escape/save someone.  It gets sillier throughout, attempting to make happenstance seem like a plot device.  

The film is notable for a couple of Casting choices.  

First off, it's Eva Mendez's first film.  She's so bad in here that she has even joked about it publicly on The Tonight Show.  

Second, the film has a pair of B-Movie Legends: Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson and David Carradine.  It's just a shame that they're barely in the film, although they do give it the best moment. 

 Finally, its 'Male Lead' is Alexis Arquette, who would later come out as Transgender.  Awk-ward.  

If you want to know more about the actual film, read on...

In the intro, a kid wanders through a Cornfield and walks up to a fire.  

It shoots some CG energy at the kid, apparently making him into the new Corn Damien...sort of.  

More on that later.

For no good reason, he kills this guy outside of his house.  For even less reason, this takes place 1 Year Later from the intro.

*

The best part: he never uses these powers ever again.  

No, really.

Our main characters are a quartet of people- including Arquette and Mendez- looking for their two friends- one of whom is Ahmet Zappa...for some reason.  

FYI Arquette is the one on the right.  

Random Cameo: Kane Hodder as a Bartender.  

This one of the many films in which he gets a minor role in return for being the film's Stunt Coordinator.  

Trivia is fun, huh?

Fred Williamson is the Town's Sheriff and he mostly just mugs.  

He doesn't like 'the young folk'...until the plot just dictates that he be helpful.  

At least the lazy writing has been consistent in this series!

David Carradine plays Luke, the leader of a Cult that worships He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows.  

You know, that cult based on the idea that Adults are inherently evil.  

Yeah, that's not a gaping plot-hole or anything...

One of the group gets depressed and finds some clarity in the Cult.  

To that end, she climbs into the Silo and 'joins' He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows...who is now a big, ball of fire.  

It has gone from a red-eyed monster in the book to a cloud monster to a Cthulu-esque creature...and now this?  Confusing!

In the film's silliest- read:greatest- moment, Williamson confronts Carradine (since the plot said so).  

Carradine freaks out, glows and his head splits in half.  

All of a sudden, a small object pops out and blows fire into Williamson's face!!!

What.  The.  Hell.  Was.  That?!??

Our heroes get whittled down to one, but she manages to put out He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows with some Fertilizer and leads the Cult away.  

She is unable to save her brother, but does adopt his new baby...who's evil.

Don't worry- none of this is ever followed-up on.  The End.

I'm...not sure what to think of this one.  

The plot is such a weird conglomeration of lazy writing and coincidental events.  Our heroes get lost and wander into the town.  As it turns out, our heroine's missing brother joined the Cult- how they called him is never explained- that just so happens to be here.  

Oh and the plot device of them being out there to spread their dead friend's ashes flies away as quickly as the actual ashes themselves do when the car crashes.  

The movie has some good action in it, although no kids are actually attacking adults.  

Well, there's one, but he's the film's 'Isaac' so that's not really a fair statement.  

This is just teenagers- or adults playing them- attacking and killing other teenagers.  When did the 'Children' part of the title become irrelevant?  

Speaking of missing things, why the hell does their Leader use powers in the intro and never again?  Wouldn't the power to make people be struck by lightning help at other points?  

Furthermore, the elemental theme of the film switches to fire, from He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows burning some Firemen to the aforementioned Carradine/Williamson scene.  

The bottom line: make a cool opening, but follow it up.  

The film is pretty bad, but does have some goofy charm to it.  Not enough for me and Fred though.  Right, Fred?

Up next, the only film to feature a returning actor.  Does Isaac's inexplicable return lead to a better film?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Black Cobra (reprise)

The idea of Poor Bastards of Cinema came from this very movie.  Let's take a look back...now with pictures.

Our hero is celebrating the death of the villain.  Of course, he's not really dead, but that doesn't stop Fred from wining and dining a lady.

The villain has gone to great lengths to disguise himself as part of his plan to kill our hero.  However...

...he doesn't count on our hero recognizing him based on this inaccurate picture put in the paper.  Of course!

The villain fires a shot at our hero, who pushes himself and the lady out of the way.  However, someone else is not so lucky...

That's right- our hero saves his own ass by getting a guy killed!  Who is this guy?  What was he doing?  Why did he deserve to die, Hammer?

Next up, a party-goer learns the danger of drinking.  Wrong place, wrong time.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Black Cobra 3

Well, I own all three films now, so I might as well make fun of this movie too.  This one returns us yet again to the Philippines, because, you know, not enough bad action movies are filmed there.  Mind you, it is better than filming in Apartheid Era South Africa like the original American Ninja films and Space Mutiny did!  What story is there left to tell about this character who has almost no back-story and is just another 'cop who plays by his own rules and gets the job done.'  You can skate by with that for one film, but four?  Let's find out in my review of...

Black Cobra 3: Manila Connection

The film begins with some sort of commando breaking into a military outpost run by foreigners.  Um, this is not Fred Williamson.  Did you guys make a movie called The Manila Connection and try to squeeze him in later?  Not as far as I can tell, but would that really be a surprise?  He escapes by use of his machine gun, some set explosives and a rigged fence.  He also manages to lazily take out a group of soldiers by running past them and firing, all the while barely glancing in their direction.  He escapes, at which point the movie randomly cuts to a naked Filipino woman.  Um, thank you?  The wounded man shows up and we get some talk about his mission to get some intelligence.  Another awkward jump occurs as a group of thugs attempt to rob a grocery store.  You'll never guess which black police detective is out shopping that day!  He allows himself to get surrounded and takes a pair of them out, the latter of which gets a punch to the groin.  What's with you and hitting the groin, Fred?  The other ones finally go down after some shots, although the last one is merely shoved into a pile of Tide.  Oh, the humanity!  Does this scene have a point?  No, not really.  Malone gets a taped message from the son of an old friend- by all means, remind us of your Star's age!- and gets sent to the Philippines again, although this time by choice.  Wow, that's completely different, movie.

*

Once he gets to the Phillipines, he runs afoul of a woman in the lobby.  She asks him to hold the elevator for her, but he acts like a douche-bag and closes the door- my hero.  After meeting the now-adult son of his friend, he learns that the woman is also their CIA contact.  Gee, what an extremely-obvious plot-twist, movie.  A search of the dead agent's room ends with the discovery of a tiny umbrella with a night club's name on it.  I guess this is supposed to be a substitute for the matchbox cliche.  They try to get information about him from a stripper there who was his girlfriend, but it leads nowhere.  One pointless fight scene later and Malone is investigating some docks with the young man.  They get into- wait for it, another silly fight scene in a warehouse.  Does it look like the same one used in Black Cobra 2?  Yes, amazingly so.  Coincidence- I think not.  The highlights: the young man looking a lot like Reb Brown in action and Williamson fighting with his belt as a weapon.  The stripper changes her mind about helping them when she suspects that something is up and gives them some information.  They search her apartment to discover some photos that the man took showing some gun-running going on.  You all know where this is going, don't you?

*

More barely-expanded upon investigation and action scenes take place.  The crux of it revolves around trying to determine where the photos were taken and, thus, where the stash is.  None of this is really bad; it's just not all that interesting.  Never mind the fact that the whole movie is a build-up to get back to a setting we are taken to in the very beginning of the film!  Once they find it, our heroes get decked out in their best Commando/Treasure of the Sierra Madre attire to kick some ass.  I should also mention that the young man has what appears to be a red grenade.  Alright then.  Once inside, they wander around and kill some enemies.  Malone even manages to kill a guy with a throwing knife without even turning all the way around to look at him- that's sad.  It all just feels like a really bad version of Metal Gear Solid- if it was done by Uwe Boll anyhow.  Blah blah blah, more running and more shooting.  You get the occasional stunt man who jumps back way too hard, but it's all pretty 'meh' by this point.  As if him and Malone were in a 'macho-ness' contest, our young man gets ahead by picking up a SAW and cutting loose.  Our heroes escape a giant explosion they set up via helicopter, since apparently Malone is a pilot!  They catch the main villain and get the evidence, but we can't end with the pointless last-minute reveal of their boss being evil too.  Thanks for that.  The End.

*

This movie is not good, but it does have some interesting moments.  For the most part, though, it is just extremely generic and bland.  Detective Malone is just not a good character here, as he acts bossy and rude to everyone.  I know that we're supposed to make peace with that because he stops bad guys, but I don't really care.  The guy is a prick!  At least the other two leads are not completely heartless bastards, although they have almost no personality.  You just have the eager, go-getter and the bossy girl who is smarter than everyone.  The action is not terrible, but very little stands out.  It is just a barrage of cheesy kung-fu, dull shooting and the occasional moment of funny over-reacting to 'being shot.'  You've seen all of this before though.  The original film has some hilariously-bad action scenes and ridiculous writing, while B.C. 2 has the over-the-top ending bit to save it.  This movie is just alright and nothing more.  Let's move on, shall we?

*

Up next, the delayed review of a Japanese werewolf film's sequel.  Was it worth the wait or will I just be left with werewolf 'blue balls' again?  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Black Cobra 2

I've already talked about this series in the past, but here is a brief summary for those who missed it: Black Cobra is a rip-off of the Stallone movie Cobra, just with Fred Williamson (a black man) playing the part.  There really is not anymore to it than that.  Both films feature the same plots (a woman witnessing a biker gang's murder spree and a cop who must protect her) and almost the same staging.  Rather than the big showdown in the warehouse, Black Cobra has a showdown at a waterfront dock, followed by a second one in a city.  They also find an excuse to steal the entire 'do you feel lucky, punk' speech from Dirty Harry.  So what kind of quality can you expect from the sequel?  Find out the answer in my review of...

The Black Cobra II

The film begins with what appears to be a blind man meeting with another man in a parking garage.  He appears to be about five feet away from the car inhabited by our hero.  Um, he's right in front of the car and smoking a cigar, how do you not see him?  Him and his motorcycle-riding companion are confronted by the rest of the police, although they fail to make the latter get off of his bike.  This leads us to a silly chase involving Detective Malone (Fred Williamson) chasing the bike rider in his '70s Sedan.  The man on the bike actually crashes, which leads us to the slowest foot chase meant to be taken seriously.  Mind you, Fred Williamson was 50 when he shot this (he's older than he looks), so you can explain away some of this.  As a shout-out to my dad, Fred wears a Cub's jacket during this scene- you should be proud.  Skipping a lot of this, the man grabs a hostage, but is shot through his helmet when he trips.  What was the point of this scene?  It all sets up the loud, angry boss (don't you love that cliche) yelling about Malone about being dangerous.  He takes the opportunity to send him on a police exchange- sure why not- program to The Philippines.  By the way, I apologize in advance to any residents of the Philippines for Malone's rant against your country in the film.

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So our angry hero ends up at the airport, but runs afoul of a sneaky American man.  You can practically see him oozing deceptiveness, yet our hero manages to get his stuff stolen by him.  A small chase ensues when the man steals a briefcase from a businessman there as well, although our hero seems unaware of any of this.  He meets with his envoy, who is a douche-bag that gives him the 'you're working for me here and you don't get your gun' speech.  I'm having French Connection II flashbacks here, which does not work in the film's favor!  They go to the residence of the thief, but find him dead and his apartment ransacked.  They go talk to his daughter, who oddly has short hair for this one scene, and she explains that they weren't close.  In spite of that, Malone follows a lead from some matchsticks that takes him to a club where the singer is, wait for it, the girl!  They talk afterward, but are attacked by thugs.  Thankfully, Malone and his slow-mo, edited-around kung-fu is there to save the day.  The next day, Malone beats up a suspect, but is stopped by the other cop.  They get some information from a bugged phone, before the man starts shooting at them.  After a long sequence, he is taken down by Malone after he rams a cart at the man and dives behind some boxes, apparently making him immediately forgotten.

*

Right after this battle, the movie goes right into another long action sequence.  Thank God, I was worried the plot would get in the way!  We get a mildly-interesting scene involving the detective running on foot and Malone running across some props above him.  They make pretty good use out of this idea, but drop it pretty quickly.  The summary: the bad guys have the girl, since they figure that she will get them the briefcase.  Finally, we discover that the whole thing is about microfilm.  They run across a career criminal who the shotgun-wielding thug was working for.  They arrest him, but he resists arrest in a dramatic fashion and dies.  After almost no build-up, we also learn that the cop's son has been kidnapped.  No, not him!  I grew so attached to him in his one scene forty-five minutes earlier!  To top it all off, the place is rigged with bombs, including mines set on the window frames.  Fortunately, our heroes have an elaborate and ridiculous plan.  The cop sets himself up in an elevator, while Malone climbs up to the top of the building.  As the time draws near, the door comes open and one perp is shot dead.  The two remaining thugs arm the bombs, which prompts Malone to come flying through the window.  Just to note: he does so head-first and with no set-up shot.  Magic!  He kills both of them, although the last guy gets a shotgun blast to the junk before his death.  The day is saved.  The End.

*

This movie is not good.  While not as stupid as the first film (a low bar, I know), it is sub-par when compared to some American films from the time such as Commando.  Mind you, it does not help that my copy is on a three movie set put on one disc- more on that in a future segment- so I did not get a good picture quality.  Even in hi-def though, this movie is ludicrous at times and wooden at others.  It is an amazing skill to be both crazy and dry in one movie, but they pull it off here!  Williamson's Malone is basically a jerk who redeems himself by being nice to children (it's a cat in the first film) and saving the day.  He still beats people up with graphic glee and shoots people when he feels that they must die.  One guy is actually pumped for information and then has his neck snapped.  I know you're working overseas, but you can still arrest him!  The movie builds up Malone's use of kung-fu, but it looks about as good as Rudy Ray Moore's.  I can make fun of it a lot, even though that man looks better kicking ass at 50 than I do now at 26.  The difference: I'm not trying to be an action star.  I'm just a jerk with a keyboard who thinks that this movie is sub-par.

*

Up next, let's keep the Black Cobra train rolling with Part 3, which was made the same year as Part Four.  Don't worry- I'll get to that one in time too.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly Cool Cover Art: Black Cobra Series

I gave much of the background on this film in its inclusion in Poor Bastards of Cinema, so there is not a whole lot to say here. What may surprise many of you is that there are four of these movies though. Mind you, it's a series in the sense that the films all star Fred Williamson and, at least in the dubbing, they call him by the same character name. At least they are more related than Inglorious Bastards and "Inglorious Bastards 2." Cheap marketing aside, these movies have been given some awesome posters like this one...
Man, I'd love to see that movie. Too bad that it is utter crap. Maybe the second one won't mislead me.
Wrong again. Best one out of three?
Um...best two out of five?
So yeah, the Italians know how to make great posters. Now movies...eh, they are hit-and-miss. Of course, I am going to keep watching them anyways.

Up next, a Godzilla film that lies its ass off in the poster. Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Black Cobra

A lot of attention is given to certain characters in movies. People talk about the villains, the monsters, the 'final girl' and even the sleazy coach in bad 80s horror films (you know the ones). The ones that have started to catch my attention lately have been 'the poor bastards.' These are the guys (or girls) who play minor roles in the story, but meet just as bad of an end as the jerks of the film. I think these guys need some attention, because, let's face it: they have earned it. For starters, let's cover a little Italian movie called...

Black Cobra

To begin with, this movie is a terrible rip-off of an already terrible film: Cobra. How can it go up from there? It can't.

The scene in question involves the action after the seeming climax of the film. The villain survives a knife in the back and plans revenge. He completely changes his look (fake tan, hair dye, etc.) and follows our hero and the lady out to lunch. In a completely nonsensical bit, our hero (Fred "The Hammer" Williamson) spots the guy in his peripheral vision and figures the plan out instantly. He sees a gun and, in a moment of true heroics, kicks himself and the girl's chairs (and their bodies) out of the way of a shot. Who takes it? Some random old man in the background.

That's right- our hero saves his own life, but dooms a random guy! Who was this guy? Was he important enough to merit his own film? We will never know now, will we?!? The guy doesn't even get a name in the credits! That poor bastard.

I have a lot more to say about this movie, but I'm saving it for a video review. Yes, I will eventually make some.

Up next, a guy who learns that love is just a way to get killed pointlessly. Stay tuned...