Straw Deaths: Dark Harvest 3- The Scarecrow

Another shitty Scarecrow movie to finish things up.  Unlike the last Dark Harvest, this film has something in common- other than the fact that corn exists.  Just like the other one, it is also not a sequel to Dark Harvest...or Dark Harvest 2.  No, the studio needed another movie to come out in 2004 with the Dark Harvest name, so a film called Skarecrow (yes, that's how they spelled it) was rechristened as such.  Not like I wanted them to, but they could have just waited two years for The Maize 2 and at least had some sort of continuity (in theory).  Instead, they just went this silly, silly route.  The plot of this film is pretty similar to Dark Harvest, involving a killer scarecrow and a family curse.  Hell, it even has a bunch of random people going to a cabin/barn on the weekend.  All it's missing is the random nudity scene from the lake in that film...unfortunately.  To see just how this 'series' ends with more of a whimper than a bang, read on...

In 1921, a trio of redneck guys go off to kill a witch.  Why?  No reason- they just do.  Trouble comes their way, however...

...when a random Federal Agent shows up and gets killed.  His blood splatters on a cursed Scarecrow and it kills them.  Flash forward!

In 1981, a group of people go out to a cabin in the woods- when has that ever ended well?- with their buddy, who's a complete dick.  Why do you hang out with him?

In place of the weird ghost woman- with the make-up that doesn't cover her neck, there is this resident of Nilbog.  He's weird, random and never really amounts to all that much.

This is our killer Scarecrow.  To the film's credit, it is better than the ones in Dark Harvest.  Of course, those also sucked.

The actions of the Scarecrow is related to the main character's girlfriend, since her blood activated the Scarecrow this time.  Do they actually explain how this works?  No.

Thanks to some awkward Editing, the Scarecrow kills one woman while she's having sex with her boyfriend.  Her boobs appear, her face appears, but never together.  Hi, body double!  Oh yeah, it kills her, but leaves the boyfriend alone...for some reason.

Well, until he charges at the Scarecrow later and it just punches through his chest, ripping his heart out.  How does that work exactly?

The whole thing builds up to a weird finale involving the Scarecrow killing nearly everyone, showing up in the living room and...um, the main character ending up in a mental institution.  Pardon?  The End.

This movie is full of straw.  The plot is just silly and a weird sort of rehash of Dark Harvest.  Given that the film was actually made in 2002 (as shown by the calendars- thanks, IMDB!), it's possible that these guys ripped it off.  If so, that's pretty sad.  The movie was not good, so why do we need another?  That said, the plot is not so unique that it could be a coincidence.  It is kind of the plot of Scarecrows, after all.  This movie makes the simple premise confusing by way of the flashback, unexplained magic and convoluted pacing.  Throwing in the 'I told you about the curse' family sub-plot doesn't help things either.  If you like good horror films, avoid the Dark Harvest series in general.  If you do have to watch one, go with the original.  It sucks, but it's not as boring or confusing as these two films!  Take us away, good distractions...

Next up, a doll comes back for revenge.  If you like murder and plot holes, you're in luck!  Stay tuned...

Straw Deaths: Dark Harvest 2- The Maize

Are you ready to feel bad for the makers of Dark Harvest?  Dark Harvest is not a good movie.  It's cheap, stupid and feels cheap overall.  That said, it's much better than this movie!  You want the story?  Here it is.  In 2004, Harvest was released on DVD.  Evidently, it sold well enough for the company that owned it's video rights to get more films made.  The problem- the people behind the movie didn't have one.  With that in mind, the company went out and bought a film called The Maize and called it Dark Harvest 2.  It's really that simple.  What is the plot of this movie?  A guy wanders around a corn maze- cue the pun- and looks for his missing daughters.  That's it- for 90 minutes!  If you want to see what Level 7 of Hell looks like, this is it!  Feel my pain and read on...

This is a maze.  It is full of maize.  Any questions?

Our hero has a psychic vision of his kids in peril and tries to warn his wife, but it's too late- they're in the maze!

The imagery of this schmuck wandering around a muddy, corn maze is so exciting that it gets picture-in-picture.  Kill me now.

On top of that, the D-List version of the Twins from The Shining show up.  The pay-off to this: lame.

If you want to get drunk while watching this movie (it probably helps), play this game- spot the lighting changes.  There's this...

...followed by this shot thirty seconds later.  Just to accentuate it, here's what you see within another thirty seconds...

That pesky sun sure is hard to wrangle, huh?  The sad part- this game still makes the movie feel boring.

 I'll take time away from complaining about how dull and pointless this movie is to point out it's half-baked 'serial killer' plot.  It's a pretense to explain why there's no actual action in 80% of the film.

After seventy-odd minutes, the plot comes to a head as the killer attacks our hero's wife...and just leaves.  It's time for a showdown...and more feet dragging...and The End.

Whoever wins, we're lost!  The plot of this movie is...wait, did I just call this a Plot?  It's a small part of a real plot stretched like goo to fill out 90 minutes.  A guy looking for his lost kids- it's a start.  It has to actually build to something though and really become something else.  It doesn't.  This movie is cheap, cheap, cheap.  Nothing happens, short of people wandering around and one guy in a Devil mask.  His role- a weird and cheap scare that goes nowhere.  The real threat is the killer, who has some cheap back-story about killing his kids and not getting caught...in this town of like 12 people.  Really?  The movie is Written, Directed, Produced, Co-Edited by and Starring Bill Cowell.  By the way, if you're the film's only Producer, there is no point in making yourself the Executive Producer too!  Bill Hinzman is proud of you, at least.  This movie is crap- boring, boring crap.  It has no relation to Dark Harvest- darn?- and just plain sucks.  Oh yeah, it has a sequel too...dammit.  Take it away, totally-natural lighting...

Next up, the other Dark Harvest film.  Is it a sequel to either film- nope!  Stay tuned...

Straw Deaths: Dark Harvest

Are you scared of inanimate objects? Do you find straw scary? Do you think that farms are the root of all evil? If so, you are the perfect recipient of a nearly-forgotten sub-genre of Scarecrow Horror films. This all goes back to 1987's Scarecrows, an interesting little horror gem that I reviewed back in June. I watched this movie a while ago, but put off reviewing for a simple reason: there are three of these. I felt weird only reviewing one of them, since the other two sounded utterly hideous. However, there was a brief spike in the genre with Messengers 2: The Scarecrow. While I still have not seen the sequels, I will buckle down and review...

Dark Harvest

Our story begins with a bunch of random killings on a farm. Okay, that's an interesting way to start a film. We also get the first glimpse of the film's super-low production values with the bad film stock and crappy blood work. Bad blood effects in a horror movie- oh, joy. Basically, this farmer has used his dead slaves as scarecrows, killed the guy who found out and was subsequently killed by the police. We abruptly cut to a small claims office where a young man and his girlfriend are collecting a claim from an old uncle. He inherits a farm and decides to go check it out. Dun dun dun! His girlfriend wants them to take all of his friends, but he is wary of it. Why? A pair of them are lesbians and he does not get along with them. He's not a biggot- so he claims- but he just does not particularly like one of them. Of course, they all end up going and end up in the middle of nowhere. They find the old place and it is not exactly the Hilton. Then again, it is dirty and barely suitable for human life, so maybe it's...nah, I won't go there.

*

One night goes by without a single killing. Instead, we get drunken chatter and pointless padding. It is supposed to make them fleshed out characters, but it is frankly just dull. The only upside is a scene where the lead goes to get ice and runs into a mysterious woman. She is supposed to look eerie, although a long-shot shows that her skin tone is due to make-up that stops right at her neck. Good shot, guys. He learns the next day that she was apparently a ghost or something (they never really say). Him and his black friend (not to be confused with Stephen Colbert's) go down to the lake to find...some random nudity. Yes, this abruptly you get to see the man's girlfriend and all three of the other women either topless or doing full-frontal. Why? Do you need a reason? Unfortunately, this scene ends abruptly as well and that is all we get in the nudity department. Finally, we get some killing as the scarecrows go on the attack! We get a couple of them on screen, but this movie has a love for not showing you the gore. Bastards!

*

Our heroes hide out in the house, but that proves to be barely safe as one of them get stabbed through the door. Gee, I thought that the wooden thing would stop the blade! Another girl goes down as they scramble out the door. Of course, the film does not show the blade go in or anything. Two of them get strung up in the field on the pillars that previously held the villainous monsters. Oddly, one of them is dead, but the other is left alive. She struggles to free herself, which proves to be tricky with the barbed wire around her wrists. Meanwhile, the lead girl helps the wounded black man into the barn and goes off for help. She comes back a little later to find him dead! Wow, another off-camera death- thanks. She meets up with one of the few surviving women and explains the whole thing, only to be dragged off-camera and killed. Okay, this is getting old. It's not being dramatic or clever- it's just lazy. A pair of them make it to the car and meet the woman who was strung up, but the latter dies. After killing two of the monsters, our hero gets trapped and cornered, but saved by the woman (not his lady) who sends a really fake fireball effect at the monster. The End? No, the movie actually ends with Outtakes and Bloopers that just run after the credits with no lead-in. O-kay. Now? The End.

*

This movie is just bad, plain and simple. It's production values were so low that I thought it was made in the 1990s! Apparently, it was made in 2003, despite their crappy film-stock. Do I even need to comment on the acting? The three Scarecrow killers are played by two men in bad masks and overalls. Gee, those clothes held up really well for over 40 years of non-care too. Just look at these guys in comparison to the ones from 1988's Scarecrows and you will have a good laugh. The gore is laughable and barely-displayed. On the positive side, they covered their lack of quality with photography. On the negative side, they keep killing people off-screen! I know I might be harping on this, but it is a big blight in a horror film about death and murder. Fail. What makes it even funnier is how the people behind it are adamant about their film NOT being related to Dark Harvest 2 or 3. Way to take a stand, idiots.

*

Up next, a pair of film directors try to spice up a horror classic. Just to note: these do not involve as much singing as you would expect. Stay tuned...