Rare Flix: Raptor (2001)

What are you- chicken?!?  In the case of today's creatures, the answer is kind of 'yes.'  Wait- haven't I used this lead-in before?  Let's start over...

Did you ever see a crappy film and think 'man, I wish they made more of that?!?'  Well, if so, Roger Corman is your best friend.  Wait...that's not right.  One more try...

The third time is...about the same as the second one.  It's fun to play with cliches right?  Okay...let me figure this out...

****

Today's Film is Raptor, a 2001 Film that is a hodge-podge of a new Story and old Footage.  Not content with 3 Carnosaur Films, New Concorde made a 4th...and called it Raptor.  The Film actually is said to feature T-Rexes of various sizes (not a thing), but we'll let that slide.  Why not just make Carnosaur 4?  You made Angel 4- and that was after Part 3 being The Final Chapter!  Here's the reason for the re-used Intros now- pretty much all of the major F/X Shots are reused from the previous Carnosaur Films.  Roger Corman using F/X Shots over again- what a shock!  The actual Story is...pretty much what you expect.  Say it with me- Government Experiment gone awry creates dinosaurs and they get loose.  Can our Hero- Eric Roberts- stop the evil Corbin Bernsen?  To find out, read on...

In the Cold Open, some young Adults are killed by a creature with green POV.  When will they run out of colors for these POV shots?!?

The Police- led by Roberts- are on the call.  He also calls in an Animal Control person...who just happens to be an ex-girlfriend.  Naturally.

Oh and the Actors playing corpses can't hold their breath and/or stay still for 1 minute of a shot!

Thus begins the Stock Footage Train!

Right off the bat, we see the Poultry Truck from Carnosaur and later Black Deputy goes back to the Universal Lot to get killed by not-Raptors.  When will he learn?!?

Since there's not much to say about the Plot- Sheriff finds out what is going on, gets caught and the Military shows up- let's point out how sill the mixing of the Shots are.

Late in the Film, this Lady is attacked in the Elevator and turns into a completely-different woman!

Later still, Bernsen sees the Military Helicopter (the 2nd one, that is) arriving...much later than where he is. Damn Time Shifts!

He steals the generic yellow jumper from an Agent, but only so...he can be barely-matched to some footage of a guy in a yellow suit being killed in Carnosaur.  Naturally!

For the climax of crap, Roberts takes a vehicle (from Carnosaur) footage to kill the T-Rex.  In the 2nd bit, you can clearly see the make of the vehicle AND the original Actor.  Finally, the same vehicle- some sort of digger- is now a different, yellow vehicle to push the creature back into the base.

I guess if you're color blind and lack object permanence, this is a fluid sequence!

To wrap this all up, we are told that everything was covered up- in Narration!- and they cut to a new Lab where...they cloned Bernsen and the other Doctor?!?  Why?  Huh?  The End.

Damn lazy stuff.  The whole thing is just bizarre and ridiculous.  To reiterate, they made a new Film and awkwardly made it work with the F/X Shots they already had done.  Night turns to day.  Inside turns to outside.  The Facility alternates between being a Building, a bunker, the inside of a Ship and back around again!  Somehow the Facility is now next to a Quarry for one shot!  Helicopters seem to travel through time warps as from the inside it looks like daytime, but it looks like night-time from the outside.  In one bit, a Pilot is killed by a Raptor...who is clearly from a different location entirely!  Did that Raptor/Mini-T-Rex teleport there or did their Shots just not match?!?  You decide!  No wait- I do!  This Movie is all sorts of bollocks.  That said, it is pretty damn hilarious at times.  I don't think they meant to make a Comedy, but they did!  Speaking of not knowing what Genre you are, one Scene involving a girl (Roberts' Daughter in the Story) flat-out turns into Softcore Porn for a few minutes.  I expect a minute or two from this kind of thing, but the pair dry hump (with only her being naked) for a good 6-7 minutes and then go to leave...whereupon they are attacked.  Don't turn into Please Don't Eat My Mother on me without warning!  Let me leave you now with the most fake-looking effects in the Film...

Next up, I dive head-first into some random, blind Reviews.  I don't know what to expect, so how can you?  Stay tuned...

Sons of Kong?: The White Gorilla (1945)

Oh boy- this one is a doozy!  Today's Film is The White Gorilla, a 1945 Ape Film.  This is not to be confused with White Pongo, which is also a 1945 Ape Film.  Yes, there are (at least) two.  Yes, they are both in this Set.  Yes, they were both made the same year.  Well, sort of.  To help explain this one, I need to tell you who Ray 'Crash' Corrigan is.  Basically, if you have ever seen a Film where a guy is in an Ape Suit (like I have- alot!), it is often him.  He is most known as a Stunt/Suit Performer, but also did Act as well.  He's basically the Old-School version of Doug Jones.  He's the Star here, which should tell you something.  So...there's no sugar-coating this one.  This is a big, ugly mess- terrible Alpha Video Release quality aside.  The Plot involves a man retelling his harrowing Tale...but there's a catch.  Since I'm a giant tease, you are going to have to wait.  Read fast, but don't cheat!  To find out this Film's deep, dark secret, read on...

A man (Corrigan) arrives at a Depot and has a harrowing tale to tell of his survival.  Cut to...

Stock Footage!  Seriously, this one is 80-85% Stock Footage from a Film made by the same Director- in 1927!

They put a Silent Film, added in Audio and mixed it in with barely-good Footage to make this crap.  Can you imagine?!?

For once we agree, Mantan.

In this Film's defense (this one time!), they have some new Footage involving the White Ape.  He doesn't fit in with the others.  Oh and he's also played by Corrigan- double duty for 'Crash!'

Three major problems here...

1) The Footage is obviously of lower-quality (since it is a 1927 Silent Serial Film).
2) The Films were Shot at different Speeds!  As such, they speed up the Silent Film- absurdly-so!
3) Even if you bought this, the people are made-up and act like they're from a Silent Film!

I should also mention that since 'Crash' wasn't in that Silent Serial Film, his role in the 'Story' is to be just outside of the events and explain why he didn't act.  Our so-called-Hero!

The Climax involves the two Apes fighting and one winning.  Do you really care who?  The End.

Even with my low standards by now, this one...dear god!  It is just so bad.  So, so bad.  It makes you yearn for some stock Jungle Peril to watch that is at least the right Film Speed!  Did they really think that this would fool anyone?  Did it?  Would anyone admit to seeing this and NOT figuring out the trick?  It is just awful.  It is also lazy.  It is also insulting.  It is also terrible.  On the plus side, I breezed through this one and barely had to stop.  Could I have watched all 60 minutes?  Yes.  Did I?  No.  It took me five minutes (TOPS) to see that something was weird and use IMDB to explain it.  Just...just damn!  This could make for some mild amusement to real Bad Movie Buffs- provided they know what they are getting.  The Story itself involves a Jungle Boy, a White Ape and some terribly-silly Peril, so there is something there.  Going into this without knowing the truth is a rude awakening.  Watch it if you want- just know what you are getting.  As a bonus, watch the Director not Credit the Original Cast by lumping them together as...

Next up, I prepare to watch The Avengers 2 this weekend by looking at work by the Actors.  First up, let's see 'Hawkeye' straight up kill and rape folks!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Ice Queen

During the 'avalanche' portion of Ice Queen, only one guy is actually shown outside.  He's just walking to a lodge when he hears a noise...

"Oh shit- entirely CG snow is coming at me.  I'd better run before it's too..."

Yeah, he dies.  On the plus side, you only died in Post-Production.

So what was the point of his death?  To make it clear that avalanches can kill people.  We kind of already knew that!

By the way, his character has no name (but is probably the Director).

Next up, a woman learns the danger of being a maid in a Syfy Channel film.  Why can't these people ever catch a break?  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Slumber Party Massacre III

Leave it to Roger Corman to re-use footage from a film that is already about 40% stock footage.  That movie- Deathstalker II.

During the film's climax, the killer has been blinded, so one girl decides to trick him by turning on the TV behind him.  What's playing on the TV?  Why, it's the Jim Wynorski film.  Check out this shot of 'new' Deathstalker appearing to stare at the young women's asses.

I always knew that Deathstalker would save the day!  He's just that awesome.

I also feel like noting that Jim Wynorski (the Director of Deathstalker II) went on to Direct Cheerleader Massacre in 2003.  It was bound to happen soon enough!

Stock Footage Hell: Totem (1999)

In the midst of this tale of killer puppets, 'teenagers' in a cabin and death, our heroine has a flashback that explains everything about the creatures.  Something is odd and familiar about this, however...

For all you movie buffs, this is stock footage from a film called The Vikings, which starred Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis.

Yes, Full Moon just tinted it blue, put a voice-over track on it and put a bunch of digital flames in front of it.  Lame!

Stock Footage Hell: Galaxy of the Dinosaurs

There are some things that you just can't ignore.  In this conjoined segment with last week's Buy the DVD!, we see what exactly the hell Galaxy of the Dinosaurs is.  To warn you, this movie was released as part of the Bad Movie Police series...

A bunch of people have their ship crash on an empty planet.  So far, this plot feels oddly-familiar.  After a lot of filler, they come across the selling point of this movie (which was, ironically enough, never really sold)...

Yes, the dinosaurs are here and they're...also oddly-familiar.  This isn't what I think it is...is it?

Yes, the footage from Planet of the Dinosaurs strikes again!  It wasn't that good, but I guess it has an edge on One-Million B.C. and Unknown Island...since it's in-color.  It wasn't really that good then though...

Wow, it's even more exciting to see this footage for a third time in this segment.  I should just rename this 'Planet of the Dinosaurs...Again!'  I won't, of course.

Seriously, guys- stop using this footage!  Unless you're the Rifftrax DVD, I don't want to see this footage again!
  

Stock Footage Hell: The Phantom Empire

Why am I dealing with Fred Olen Ray again?  I mean, he's the guy who made Wizards of the Demon Sword.  That, of course, used stock footage from 1978's Planet of the Dinosaurs to accent his own crappy Deathstalker rip-off.

Well, he did it again.

You see, 1989's The Phantom Empire features a group of adventurers (including Jeffrey Combs and a bloated Robert Quarry) enter a cave, go to a mysterious land and fight the evil Sybil Danning.  At one point, they run into dinosaurs...from that movie.  They try to mix the footage together- they fail.

At one point, they use the 'T-Rex has a spear thrown into him' footage and mix it with Danning throwing a spear.  The problem: the spears don't match.  The stock footage one has a wrap of cloth around it and hers didn't.  How hard would that have been to fix, Fred?!?

Oh yeah, this footage also adds nothing to the story in any way.  Who's surprised?

Next up, I pay tribute to a second Godfrey Ho film.  These aren't worthy of a real review, so let's enjoy them here!  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Jail Bait (1954)

It's been a while since I picked on Ed Wood, so let's get right down to it!

Jail Bait is one of his more forgotten films, although it is in one of the box sets, and rightfully-so.  It's very stock and not all that funny.  Even so, it has one of Ed's craziest uses of stock footage...

A pair of thieves (a pro and a novice) rob a theater after a show.  Apparently to 'establish the setting,' we have to see the film's entire act.  As Crow T. Robot once said 'They're establishing the hell out of that place!'  To put it simply, they're running a 'minstrel (read: old timey racism) show.'  Finally, a segment that also works with Great Moments in Race Relations! 

Of course, Ed didn't film this part.  No, he just lifted from a full-on 'minstrel' film called Yes Sir, Mr. Bones. 

Why?  Does it help the plot in any way?  No.  The answer is simple: racism was popular and this five-minutes or so helped the film reach it's time quota.  That's Ed Wood for you!

Up next, it's one thing to see a cheap use of stock footage.  It's another thing to see it twice- by the same director no less!  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Godzilla's Revenge

While the Godzilla franchise was continuing to thrive, it started to get a little lazy.  This became apparent with the series' most kid-friendly film- Godzilla's Revenge.

The film features a silly and awkward plot about a kid being tormented by bullies who gets transported to Monster Island and meets Godzilla's son.  It talks in English too.  I don't care- just go with it.  In something unrelated...

To pad out the film, the producers stuck in footage of Godzilla battling monsters from earlier films, including Son of Godzilla and Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster.  Hell, they even put the stock footage monsters on the poster.  See for yourself...

Next up, Ed Wood uses Stock Footage, but not in the way you are usually familiar with.  I smell some old-timey racism.  Stay tuned...

International '80s Trash: Turkish Star Wars

What is there to say about this movie?  It has a reputation of its own, so I may not need to say much.  One thing to note is that this movie is not a parody like Turkish Star Trek was.  No, it is actually a serious film.  Well, as much as a bad, Turkish action film with space aliens can be.  Why is it known as Turkish Star Wars then?  It's quite simple- it blatantly steals footage from Lucas films!  They actually go even a step further than that, but I'll get to that later.  What you need to know is that this movie is weird, rare and available to watch for free thanks to Google.  See, our search-engine overlords can be good for something!  This thing is...well, it speaks for itself.  Unfortunately, it speaks Turkish, so that leaves me to translate.  Get our your book of copyright law for my review of...

The film begins with a three-minute long credit sequence against a blank screen- joy.  After this, we get five minutes of narration juxtaposed over badly-stretched and over-exposed shots from Star Wars: Episode IV.  Yeah, they just stole this.  On top of that, none of it fits any context or matches up to anything they actually shot!  Oh yeah, the narration makes no sense either.  Apparently, there is an evil force that is trying to destroy the Earth, despite there being a galactic state.  They say that nobody has managed to destroy the Earth, but apparently they have been able to destroy and separate parts of it.  There is also some sort of shield over the pieces that protects them.  Make up your mind, movie!  It's bad enough that the subtitle track I got is a phonetic track, meaning the grammar is shit, but you're not helping here!  After a lot of stock footage, we see our two heroes- a pair of middle-aged Turkish men in spacesuits- joy.  They crash-land on an alien planet...which resembles any desert anywhere.  They wander around before being attacked by a group of skeleton-armored guys on horseback.  When I think 'Star Wars,' I think 'men on horseback with spears.'  As if the film is trying to top themselves, they steal the theme music from Indiana Jones for the scene!  I sure hope that they don't use it three or four more times.

Unfortunately, our heroes don't make it too far before they are captured.  They are taken to a...different part of the desert to watch a series of gladiatorial games.  How does this relate to Star Wars or sci-fi at all?  It doesn't.  Our heroes wait until a bunch of people die before they decide to fight back.  My heroes?  After more fighting and Indian Jones music, they escape with the planet's residents...who are human.  They explain some silly stuff about ancient civilizations, the alien overlords and how they are seeking a human brain in order to turn the tide of battle.  Raise your hand if you care- didn't think so.  Another fight ensues, this time involving some big, red monsters that look like sports mascots.  I'm supposed to take this seriously, huh?  After that, our heroes realize that they need to be their best for the fight ahead- despite doing fine so far- and decide what they must do.  Montage time!  They train by punching rucks, jumping around and kicking rocks.  Good, now all of your bones will be broken before the battle!  We get a romantic sub-plot involving the older hero, whose main skill appears to be bouncing off of just-off-camera trampolines.  Fun fact: that's a sport in Japan!  Our heroes go into town to fulfill the requirement of a Cantina scene, complete with- you guessed it- a fight scene.  Is this movie in a loop?

Finally, the silly-looking villain reveals himself and shows off his power of film editing.  It's...ridiculous, to say the least.  They get captured, setting up an escape scene, but only after they steal the 'hero falls for the Emperor's daughter' plot-point from 1980's Flash Gordon.  The older man escapes, while his companion remains behind.  They try to take control of his brain, but to no avail.  It's all part of the plan, you see!  The man defeats a Wookie-wannabe by jumping around for five minutes and finally landing.  No, really.  After more fighting, the pair reunited and use a silly-looking prop sword to help turn the tide.  The younger hero goes off alone, however, and ends up getting killed.  Thankfully, the real hero is here to...dip his hand in water and...have gloves appear on his hand.  This is a real plot point, people!!!  More fighting occurs, this time juxtaposed over more stolen Star Wars footage and random shots of the Emperor gloating.  Take a shot every time you see a TIE-Fighter and you'll think this movie is great!  The battle between our hero and the Emperor finally takes place, but it seems to be against our hero.  After some rock-kicking and silly jumping, he just grabs the guy, pummels him and splits him in two.  He decides to just leave via some stock footage after that.  The End.

Do I need to say it?  This movie is terrible!  It is full of schlocky moments, bad editing and pure silliness!  The blatant theft of Star Wars footage is unforgivable, but I guess it's easier to laugh at now, as opposed to in 1982.  Never mind that it makes no sense, doesn't match the footage and is looped a dozen times over.  The actual film makes no sense- plain and simple.  Who are these people?  What are they doing?  Why should I care?  That said, there is some campy fun to be taken from this silly, silly movie.  The action makes no sense and is pure ridiculousness!  What else can I say about this movie?  It makes no sense, has no continuity and pretends to be more important by way of using Star Wars footage.  It's not.  It's a funny piece of history and a good example of why we should strongly enforce copyright law!  Then again, it's free to watch on Google.  I guess that's fair.

Next up, I bring you Lamberto Bava's follow-up to The Ogre.  Thankfully, they don't pretend that this crap is a Demons sequel too!  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: The Ultimate Ninja

Godfrey Ho is not exactly the most respected name in kung-fu cinema, although he is one of the most prolific.  Thanks to his business savvy and chicanery, he has gotten closer to making as many films as the Shaw Bros did than most other people!

Like most people, I stumbled across a couple of his movies without realizing what his con was.  Joy.

The Ultimate Ninja is the first part of the 'Ultimate Ninja Collection,' a set of, I think, 10 Ho films.  Yeah, I only got through 2 of them.

For those of you who may be uninitiated, Ho buys up un-purchased kung-fu films and splices them into new footage he shot.  As a result, he can cheaply make his bad 30-minute film into a 60-minute film & challenge himself to make it any of it tie together, despite the two parts being made years apart, by someone else and in a different country!  The Ultimate Ninja is a great example of this.

Story #1 involves a young man fighting back against a gang of thugs who make life miserable in his village.  Story #2 involves Richard Harrison as a ninja in a brightly-colored headband who wanders around the woods fighting other ninjas with brightly-colored headbands.  As a bonus, Richard's headband also says 'Ninja' on it.  So, can you guess which one is Ho's film and which one is the stock footage?  Yeah, it's really obvious.

On top of that, both movies are not good.  Story #1 is just dull and too short, due to Ho's editing.  Story #2 is pretty ridiculous, full of silly camera tricks and powers via editing.  The only high-point is a shot of Harrison fighting the one ninja and catching the man's thrown sword in his scabbard.  Seriously- that's it.

Up next, the Godzilla franchise indulges in some sad stock footage usage.  Oy vey!  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Militia

Jim Wynorski being unoriginal or profiting from the work of someone else is nothing new.  However, his 2000 film Militia takes him on a trip to Stock Footage Hell...

The plot involves Dean Cain infiltrating the titular organization to stop them from carrying out a deadly bio-weapon attack.  In the film's climactic finale, the group attacks a biological weapons company called Cyberdyne. 

Wait, you're saying, isn't that the company from the Terminator series?!?  Yes, yes it is.  I'll explain...

Rather than filming his own scene of a building being attacked, Jim blatantly-lifted huge chunks of the Cyberdyne attack from T-2.  To make it work, he just made the company's name Cyberdyne too.  Oh and you can apparently see Arnold in at least one of the stock footage shots.  Hurray.

Next up, I want to highlight one of my first experiences with a Godfrey Ho film.  It's going to be...confusing.  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Family Guy

This is going to be nice and quick, so don't blink.

* In the pilot episode of Family Guy, Peter is involved in a 'cut-away gag' where he makes a joke about the blood of Christ being booze.  'He must have been hammered all the time,' he says.  That bit of religious humor was deemed too controversial and cut.......however it ended up being used about two or three episodes later. 

* However, on the DVD release, the joke was put back in, making it appear twice in the series.  That's good planning!

Next up, a Jim Wynorski film blatantly steals from James Cameron.  As a bonus, they make it part of the plot!  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: The Five Doctors Special

The Doctor Who series has spanned nearly fifty years now, with only about ten or so of those spent not on the air.  With 12 different actors officially playing the part over the years and at least a half-dozen doing so unofficially (i.e. Peter Cushing's film Doctor), the legacy of it is huge.  So it's only natural that the BBC has tried to make good use of this legacy for works such as The Two Doctors, The Three Doctors and today's film.

The plot is pretty simple, at least as far as Doctor Who stories go.  All five Doctors are plucked from time- a benefit of doing a time-travel show- and forced to work together to solve a common problem.  However, there is a slight flaw and the Fourth Doctor- the immortal Tom Baker- is stuck in another dimension.  Why, you ask, considering that he is arguably the most popular of all time?

Well, Baker declined to return to the show in any form, having just left it two years prior.  As such, they had to find a way to *include him* so they didn't have to call this The Four Doctors, But Not The One You Really, Really Like.  What did they do?  Well, given the title of this segment, you can probably guess: they used stock footage!

They took footage from an unused episode called Shada & tried to make it work.  The result: it alienated fans of Baker.  I can attest to this personally as the son of a Baker fan myself.  Seriously, they hate this thing.  Good job, BBC!

Next up, a lighter version of this segment as a cartoon reuses a cut scene, only to have it get brought back.  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Trancers 6

I know you've guys have been waiting for this one for a quite a while, so I won't leave you waiting any longer.  Check this crap out...

The film begins in the future with some guy talking to Jack Deth on a video screen.  Apparently, he saw a future vision of Jack's daughter/future descendant (I hate you, time travel!) being killed, so he sends Jack 'down the line.'  Of course, this is all a guy talking to stock footage.  Think I'm joking?  Check this out...

Anyone with working eyes can see how badly-chopped up this crap is?  How hard would it have been to get Tim Thomerson again?  He's still acting, so it's not like when they replaced the actress in the sequel to Island of the Fishmen (yes, it is real).  Hell, the guy's last movie was War Wolves, a shitty film that is a future review on the site.  I think he had no better options, but whatever.

Then again, Trancers 6 has shots like this in it...

You made a good call, Tim.

Next up, in the wake of all the hype about the new Doctor Who Matt Smith, I thought it was worth looking into a mistake they made in the past.  Welcome to Hell, kiddies.  Stay tuned...

Stock Footage Hell: Wizards of the Demon Sword

A couple notes real quick: I'm skipping Trancers 6 for now and I'm retitling this segment.  One will be addressed in the future and the other will not.

Wizards of the Demon Sword is basically a knock-off of the Deathstalker series made by Fred Olen Ray.  For those who don't know, Deathstalker is a knock-off of Ator, which itself is a knock-off of Conan, Beastmaster and Krull.  Good company, huh?

The reason why it's being mentioned here.  It makes a very dubious use of stock footage from a pretty infamous, public domain film: Planet of the Dinosaurs.  Oh and it does so three different times!

1. Our hero and heroine are wandering around until they see some 'dragons.'  Those consist of a shot from Planet involving some non-threatening Stegosauruses eating grass.  Really?!?

2. Our hero is giving a big, pompous speech about how he slays dragons and such.  Naturally, they cut to stock footage of the T-Rex exiting its cave from Planet.  Why not?

3. For pretty much no reason, they cut to a shot of one of the Camposauruses standing around.  Our hero throws a knife and kills it off-camera.  Do they bother to show you the knife hitting the thing or any other shot?  Nope.

This does beg the question though: did the movie shoot take place in what is clearly Arizona/New Mexico because it was cheaper or to match their stock footage (which, in fairness, it does)?  Either answer is bad, but one is definitely worse!

Up next, the Trancers 6 semi-review promised.  It is going to be worth the wait? Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Stock Footage: Aliens Gone Wild

Full Moon Entertainment is famous for finding cheap ways to make a buck. On one hand, I can applaud them for their ingenuity at times. On the other hand, they blatantly trick their own audiences or pad films with stock footage- see Dollman vs. the Demonic Toys. Sometimes, they are even less subtle...

Aliens Gone Wild

This is literally just all of the alien action clips from their previous films involving aliens. They don't set-up the plots of them either. It's just 'Movie Title' and clips. What do you get here?

*Laserblast- a piece of crap that they only bought, not made. It's even worse without a plot.

*Bad Channels- Oh boy, I get to watch all the weird shit out of context. Hurray!

*Robot Jox 2- This features robots, which I guess is close enough.

*Oblivion- Ooh, the rare sci-fi western. Tell me it features a cast member from Star Trek. Oh wait, it's George Takei.

*Trancers 4- I get to re-live this movie too. Oh joy!

You get the idea. Random footage thrown together = profitable DVD. I actually own this, making it the only Full Moon DVD in my collection. Hey! Don't look at me like that! I got it as a gift.

Next up, more Full Moon retreads. Yes, they really did this more than once. Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Stock Footage: Trail of the Pink Panther

With all of the sad celebrity deaths this year, this one seems like a fitting induction. Flashback to 1980 and the death of comedian Peter Sellers. After six Pink Panther films, the studio was left with a quandary- can they do the series without him? Then someone came up with an idea...

They decided to make a movie about Inspector Clouseau having gone missing and a reporter trying to find him. To fill in the gaps of her story, they used outtake footage and unused scenes from the other movies. To make matters worse, they give David Niven a cameo, but then dub his lines over with someone else. They also use a body double at the end a la Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Yes, this is still a Blake Edwards film!

Up next, a series of updates relating to Full Moon Entertainment's exploitation of footage. First up, when your stars says 'no,' find a way to splice him in anyhow. Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Stock Footage: Human Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

If there ever was an example of how crippling the use of stock footage can be, it is this movie.

The majority of the film involves our lead actor recounting previous events to a group of people in a room. To make it sillier, a good majority of them were actually there!

So, why so much stock footage?

Because this is the FOURTH film in the series and they felt the need to pad the film out! That's right- most of the film is designed to tell you what happened in the other three films. Even the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment can't make this film enjoyable.

On the plus side, I don't need to see the other films in the series now!

Next up, a tribute to a man who made a career out of stock footage. No, it's not Ed Wood. Stay tuned...

Great Moments in Stock Footage: The Sinister Urge

You know, Ed Wood gets a lot of flack for his bad writing, directing, producing, editing, acting and- sometimes-catering. These are all valid points, but you can't fault him for one thing: ingenuity. Today's film is a good example of this.

The Sinister Urge is actually a pretty dull film, even in MST3K form. This is not helped in any way by a five minute scene where a woman explains the intricacies of marketing porn (in the 1950s, mind you). Also, the plot of a man seeing semi-naked women in pictures and turning into a murderer is complete crap, even when it was brought back by right-wing Christians with Ted Bundy. So, what was Ed to do?

The answer is simple: insert a fight scene! To do so, he took unused footage of a fight scene involving himself (another money-saver) and Conrad Brooks from a film called Hellborn. What did it have to do with anything? Not a damn thing. It's sheer randomness and ineptitude are still more entertaining than the actual film though.

Next on the agenda, I highlight one of the most flagrant examples of using stock footage as padding. As a bonus, it comes to us from Mexico. Stay tuned...