Poor Bastards of Cinema: Big Ass Spider (Part 3)

It is fitting for this series based around the senseless killing of characters that are quickly introduced and forgotten that I've been so lax on finishing up the set.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

In Big Ass Spider, said creature escapes the Hospital and is now quite big (ass).  He goes to a Park and all hell breaks loose.

He does, however, make history by giving us the first Poor Bastard that I DON'T feel sorry for.

Just kidding, Lloyd.  Well, kind of.

Next up, another Park visitor (wearing a kind of Ed Hardy shirt) gets stabbed through the heart (roughly) and the Spider's to blame!.

More visitors are killed as the Spider rampages.  I'm getting flashbacks to that great scene from The Host (the good Korean film, not the Stephanie Meyer shit).

Oh and that is apparently getting/has gotten but we won't get in the U.S. for awhile a Sequel.  Good (I hope).

More random killing.  This guy reminded me at first of Angry Black Guy Almost Hit By A Car (aka the best character in The Frankenstein Theory).  Was this his ultimate fate?

The Spider is finally chased away by the bait of killing our heroes, but he/she does leave a pretty big body count in his/her wake.  Damn Spider- why you so mad?!?

The Spider would kill others, but they at least seemed to be a bigger part of the story.  These random Park Visitors/Quinceanera Celebrators were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The lesson: giant Spiders are dicks.   

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Big Ass Spider! (Part 2)

It's been awhile, so let's resume the random, senseless killing!

After escaping the Hospital, the not-quite-yet Big Ass Spider goes into the Sewer.  Around the same time, this homeless man runs across the same location.

Will this Spider teach him to grow up like in Charlotte's Web?  Well, it looks at him and shoots at some fluid.  Maybe it just wants to help him exfoliate.  Maybe it just...

...is some sort of acid venom.

Well, it looks gross and painful, but maybe it will pass.

Hmm...it seems to be getting worse.  It does take alot of work to clean out the pores, so let's just assume that...

...it is melting his face now.  I'm about 99% sure that he's dead now.

Yeah, he's dead.

Alas poor Homeless Man- I knew you...right before they had you killed off.

Given the last time I featured one of these, I'm just going to assume that he was played by some sort of Movie Mogul that I don't recognize.

Next up, one last round of Poor Bastards from Big Ass Spider.  It's a whole lot of killing!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Big Ass Spider!

Hurray for random death!

Big Ass Spider! is so chock full of random death that it just has to be featured here.  Let's begin the film's first murder location: the Hospital.  This old man is lying in bed.

He sees a lump pressing its way towards him under his sheets.  This is exactly why the Call Button exists!

Will a Nurse come to help him?  Will he have company in the Get Killed By A Spider in Los Angeles Section of Heaven?

Well, no.  The slightly-big-ass spider kills him and escapes to kill many, many more people.

Who is this old guy?  Does he even have a name?  Nope.

There's more death to come.  There may even be time to cover a Cameo by a man who does nothing but make Cameos in worse films than this.  We'll see.

Indy Fun: Big Ass Spider!

It's all in the name, really.  Today's films is Big Ass Spider!  I could stop right there for alot of you, I'm sure.  There's much more to this film than its big, silly title.  If anything, it is actually the best part.  For me, it does a big thing and makes the 'Funny Title, Boring Film' Rule not a hard and fast one.  Finally!  Japan has been the only country to break that rule- see Robo-Geisha, Tokyo Gore Police, etc-, so it is nice to see us Yanks do it.  The film is about...well, you can figure it out.  Do I have to spell it out for you?  You want to know if this film is scary, funny or both.  Well, I will tell you...in the review.  Read on...

The film gets all arty and starts In Media Res.  How did we get to this point?  Well, that's what the remaining 80% of the movie is for, of course!

Oh and there's a Big Ass Spider on the U.S. Bank Building in Los Angeles.  I probably should mention that, I guess.

A mysterious corpse ends up in a Hospital.  This same Hospital houses our Exterminator hero- seen two pics above- after a housewife- Lin Shaye in a Cameo- accidentally gets him bit by a Spider (of normal size).

Holy shit- Ray Wise is here.  Him and Shaye were both in FDR: American Bad-Ass...but that's just a coincidence.  A weird one, mind you, but one all the same.

The Spider gets more big-ass when it escapes the Hospital and attacks a park.  It takes out one deserving victim (which I will cover in a future Poor Bastards of Cinema).  Holy Jurassic Park, Batman!

Said Spider gets REALLY big-ass eventually and terrorizes the whole city.

As a side-note, these bug effects must be making the folks behind Starship Troopers jealous.  They nailed it!

Our hero has teamed up with a Hospital Security Guard to take down the beast.  They're quite the comedic duo and they just might be up to the task.

Hmm...you may want to look behind you, Greg.  I'm just throwing that out there.

Will the Spider win?  Will the humans blow the shit out of it?  Will Los Angeles recover in time for the next Asylum film to assault it?  To find out, watch the movie.

This is actually another one of those films where I was expecting to be disappointed.  In all honesty, I wasn't.  The movie is not the most complex work of Fiction out there- not by a long shot.  It had a simple goal- be a bizarre and fun monster movie.  In that regard, it really succeeds.  It is weird, it is wacky and it is quite fun.  It doesn't skimp on the Horror side of it, which is nice.  Alot of these kinds of films are either scary or funny.  This film has a big, ugly monster and it doesn't hold back.  The body count on display is, well, quite large.  It will keep Poor Bastards of Cinema busy for awhile- count on it.  The film is a bit uneven at times, to be fair.  It's not perfect.  That said, it is a fun film that feels like a breath of fresh air when compared to all of the damn Remakes.  The closest thing this film does is target the same building as D-War...

Up next, a return to The Asylum!  There's a smaller budget, a dumber story and one monster design in this recent Mockbuster.  Stay tuned...