South DeCoteau: The Brotherhood 2- Young Warlocks

 After one David DeCoteau Film, I guess I might as well suffer another.  The fact that they are both on the same Disc- as this is a 'Special Edition Double Feature'- is a key factor.  What's special is that it has Audio Commentary.

Do I need to listen to David explain his Films?  Probably not.

This Sequel- of sorts- is about people at a different School and, as you guessed, about Warlocks.  I guess its a Series in the sense that guys get shirtless and face off with some sort of evil.  It's as connected as the Xtro Series, I suppose!

The Plot involves a young Warlock coming to the School and corrupting our Heroes.  Instead of 1 guy being converted into a group of Vampires, you have 3 guys being converted to join 1 guy in a Coven.  That's a slight inversion, admittedly.

Is this more of the same 'magic' or something better?  To find out, read on...

We get EXCESSIVE Narration here as the Film goes hard into 'Tell, Don't Show' territory.  I never expected to compare a 1950's Cult Classic to...well, this, but there you go.

The short version- our Hero and his friends are outcasts of a sort at a Private School.

They attend a Class talking about Warlocks, which, like the Teacher, won't matter until the end.  Chekhov's Lecture?

Our Hero asks out the girl of his dreams and she says 'yes.'

Meanwhile, a blond stranger looks on.

One of his friends meets up with Jock Bad guy and things seem to going fine.  They go in to take a Shower, since David DeCoteau.

After cutting around actual nudity, we see that it was all a trick and they are going to write on the guy's body with permanent marker!

The blond stranger returns- also implied to be naked, because reasons- and overpowers Jock Bad Guy, holding him 'hostage with...the sharpie.

Um...sure, why not?

Did they think that Sharpies were, you know, actually sharp?!?

Said stranger gets the guy to invite his friends to hang out with him.

Instead of playing cards by themselves, they...strip down and drink in the Pool?!?

He eventually recruits him into their Coven, telling them that they must break all 10 Commandments for him.

Cue the montage of them doing stuff like Not Honoring their Mother and Father by...tossing a picture of them out of a window.

They also do this while wearing sunglasses, which is the sign of evil in the DeCoteau Cinematic Universe.

He asks more from them, which leads to a bit where he has our Hero agree to make a 'study date' with the friend of his girlfriend (of all of ONE SCENE).

The group all show up and they act like something is happening...but they mostly just grind on her in a prolonged sequence.

FYI the Actress playing this part was- and I think still is- doing Porn at the time.  So, naturally, there's no Nudity in this Direct-to-Video Film.  Confusing, no?

The guys are told to kill someone to prove their loyalty and all do, save our Hero.  We see this, which is important to note later.

He takes the Girlfriend-in, what, her third Scene of the Film- hostage and our Hero goes to that Teacher.

Plot Twist: she's a White Witch sent to find the Warlock.

Double Plot Twist: she's instantly knocked out and does nothing.  Weird.

Our Hero acts like he's under the Warlock's sway due to the supposed murder he committed and...stabs the Warlock.  What a non-surprise.

He falls into his circle and the Teacher reappears to, well, disappear with him.  

The friends, I guess, get their souls back and they all agree to go to Public School.  The End.

It sure is...a Movie.  I mean, can I say a whole lot more about this?  It's not good.  It's not 'so bad it is good' either.

The Plot is pretty bare-bones and affected so much by the overuse of Narration.  Characters aren't organically-introduced- our Lead just says 'This is so and so'- and events don't play out naturally- he'll say 'And then we did this.'

It's a Movie, not a Book, David!  It's not even a good Book...I mean, Film.  Look what you started!

Scenes are prolonged at times and just cut off at others.  Despite having more Writers- we get 2 Writers and 3 for Story-, this one is in need of another pass over to make it good.  Cut down on the narration and don't SPOIL your ending by showing that our Lead isn't bad.  Cut before the murder set-up and don't have him tell us that he didn't do it.  Make that moment at the end feel the least bit suspenseful.

Of course, as always in these Films, put some damn clothes on once in a while.  I mean, it's a Witches/Warlocks Circle, not an Underwear Catalog!

Next up, some hopefully better fare involving evil and witchcraft of some sort.  Which one?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: The Witchmaker (1969)

This is anything like a Coffee Maker?  Today's Film is the 1969 forgotten Film known as The Witchmaker.  What a strange title, no?  Is this about a guy who makes Witches?  Is it about a machine that makes Witches?  Is it a Floor Cleaner?  Is that SNL reference too old for most readers?  The Film is actually about a strange Warlock who has his killing spree interrupted.  When people come to look into what he is doing, he changes his tactic.  Now he wants one of the people come to stop him to be part of his Coven.  The Plot involves a curious mix of dry science talk, fanciful magic and a Swamp.  It's an odd combination to say the least!  Its Director only made two Films- this was the 2nd.  The main Producer- LQ Jones- is more notable for playing old tough guys on Westerns or in Films like Lone Wolf McQuade.  The final product isn't quite what you might be expecting.  In fact, it was edited enough to be a safe 'mid-market' Film that a stronger cut- called Naked Witch- was released in 1975.  I'd check that out, but I've found like 3 Films with that Title...and none of them are this.  I'll just stick with this Film for now as you read on...

In a Cold Open, a man- Luther the Berserker- kills a woman and drains her blood (implied) for a ritual sacrifice.

After the Credits, a Professor, his Helpers and a Reporter go to the same Swamp to investigate the incidents.

It's not quite a Cabin in the Woods (since it's a Swamp), but it is clear Evil Dead influence...

The man- a Warlock- is watching.  One of the women with him, you see, is a 'Conduit.'  She can pick up magical energies in the air like some sort of divining rod.

Her connection to magic- and a past involving a Witch descendant- makes her a good target.

I know for a fact that I'm not watching the 1975 Cut of the Film since we get hilarious, Austin Powers-style blocking of nudity with plants.

On the plus side, this saves me work that I have to do for the next Witch Movie I'm reviewing...

Luther is up to something big, so he calls in a Witch from his Coven.  He transforms her into a young beauty to aid in their work.

So is he the Witchmaker now?

He begins to turn her to his side, while also offing the dead meat...I mean, ancillary characters at the Cabin.

Eventually, the Doctor figures out that something is up...

They make a plan that somehow involves garlic necklaces making you invisible to Witches (what Book is that from?) and using a secret weapon.

They'll need this since the rest of the Coven has arrived.  In a nice twist, they aren't all just people in cloaks- they are random and different characters.

They switch the ritual blood- that would empower the Witches/Warlocks- with pig's blood...which apparently kills them Bewitched-style (they just blink out of frame).

The Reporter seems to have stopped the ritual and takes out the last Witch...

...but Luther escaped (and possibly killed the other Leads- it's not clear) and a battle ensues.

Luther is weakened by the garlic and drowns in the Swamp, but so does our Hero when the woman appears to have been converted already and leaves him to die.  The End.

A confusing mix of trash and serious Film.  The combination here is just a bit strange.  On one hand, the Film feels like/sets up future stock Horror Plotting.  People go out to the Woods to catch a thing and it catches them.  Other Movies obviously copied this/were inspired by this over the years.  It sets up a bunch of stuff that should be in a more trashy Film.  You have a bunch of Witches and Warlocks doing a big ceremony, but it just involves dancing.  The Film feels like it should/would have nudity in it, but never does.  That could be a positive or negative for you.  Every time you're expecting some gore or nudity, it just doesn't quite show up (see below).  With all of that going on, the Film is chock full of vague pseudo-science involving magic.  People can track magical energy like radio waves?  Pig's blood kills Witches?  Garlic necklaces render you invisible to them?  It has this very self-serious tone that would work really well if the Film got, well, a bit trashier.  As it is, the Film has a pretty slow 2nd Act that sure didn't help keep me awake initially.  Once you get to the 3rd Act, things mercifully pick up as the other Witches and Warlocks show up.  The final Scenes have a strange, but good feel to them.  The ending is a bit muddled as two characters aren't shown being killed, so are they alive?  The twist isn't that special, but it works.  All in all, The Witchmaker is a curious gem that fans of Occult Films will like- just know that it is slow as molasses in the middle.  On the plus side, it *sort of* inspired Baywatch with this slow-mo running Scene...

Next up, I cover another Witch Film.  This one is quite a bit different...and also British, so it is inherently classy.  Stay tuned...

Top 12 Craziest Labor Scenes in Movies

Today is all about Labor.

Unless I've completely-misconstrued things, it is all about Women in Labor.  As such, here are the Top 12 Craziest Labor Scenes in Movies- some of which even feature Men!

12. Star Trek (2009): All in all, not the craziest thing you'll see here.  In the opening of this famous Reboot, a young Captain named Kirk has his Ship under attack by a guy named Nero.  He sends his wife away in an Escape Pod while she gives birth to his child.

The fact that the Dad is played by 'Thor'- bonus.

11. Children of Men: A poignant moment...for a change.  In this Sci-Fi Film, no Children have been born for 20 years!  As society falls apart, one man protects a pregnant woman wanted by many groups for many reasons.  In the middle of a literal war zone, she gives birth to her child.  When the baby cries, the Soldiers nearby stop- transfixed by the sound.

When else has a birth changed the course of society so much?

10. Men in Black: And now for something completely different.  As one of his early moments as a Man in Black, Agent J helps a man and his alien wife deliver their baby at roadside.  As it turns out, the baby is a bit of a cephalopod and swings him around like crazy.

9. It's Alive (1974): It is an adorable killer.  In the famous Opening to the Film, a man goes to see his Wife deliver his baby and finds chaos.  It turns out that her baby was born mutated and has sharp teeth.  It attacked the Doctors and Nurses before fleeing into the Sewers.

Kudos for giving us a Scene so famous that The Upright Citizens Brigade parodied it!

8. The Fly (1985): For all you thought that most babies look ugly when they first come out.  In the Cronenberg Classic, Gena Davis gives birth to her baby from Jeff Goldblum's Scientist.  Unfortunately, his DNA was mutated at the time of conception, so she gives birth to a larvae!

The worst part- it set up the underwhelming The Fly 2.

7. Shoot 'Em Up: This time with Comedy.  In this 2007 Action-Comeday, a mysterious man saves a woman as she gives birth in a Factory.  The baby is born during a shoot-out (what else?) and the man even 'cuts' the cord using his gun.

As a bonus, it is Clive Owen again.  How did that happen?

6. Dawn of the Dead (2004): Babies aren't always cute.  In the Zack Snyder Remake, this pregnant lady is bitten, but still delivers her kid.  Not surprisingly, it too is a Zombie.  How...not cute.

Come to Daddy!

5. Twilight- Breaking Dawn, Part 1: Can you blame me?  In this insipid Film, Vampire Edward and Human (so you say) Bella finally get married, go on their honeymoon and IMMEDIATELY get her pregnant by the time they get home.  That sure speeds things up!

With her half-Vampire baby inside of her, life for Bella is hard (for once!).  The actual delivery is ridiculous and full of fake blood.  It is so goofy that even the Stars can't take it seriously!

4. Junior: Arnold Schwarzanegger gets pregnant and gives birth.

Need I say more?

3. Xtro: All the proof that one crazy Greek man needs.  In this bizarre Film, a man is abducted by Aliens in front of his son.  He returns years later when a woman gets infected by something strange and gives birth at home...to a full-grown man.

Well, at least that doesn't happen again.

2. Warlock- The Armageddon: Oh right- it does.  In this Horror Sequel, the Son of Satan has come to Earth to start the End Times a little early by way of some Druid Stones.  I know- don't ask.  So how does he come to Earth?  By magically-impregnating a woman and being born, of course.

Yet again- gross and freaky.

1. Alien/Humanoids from the Deep (1980 and 1997): How can this NOT be Number 1?  In the Ridley Scott Classic, John Hurt gets a face-hugger (how adorable-sounding!) on his face, but recovers.  Later, he freaks out at Dinner and a chest-burster (less adorable-sounding) emerges.

This is such a good Scene that Roger Corman stole it- twice!  Yes, it counts if it is a Remake.

On the whole, this was much less painful than any of the Scenes listed.  Enjoy your day of Labor!

Top 12 Often Over-Looked Horror Movie Mothers

In lieu of a Review, I'm going to give some attention to some Mothers that don't get any due.  Naturally, I picked Fictional ones from Horror Films.  My goal was to cover ones that aren't as talked about online.

They deserve their due!

I mean, I could list all the ones you're expecting- Friday the 13th, Scream 2, Mama- but where's the fun in that?  Besides, Psycho is on like every freaking list and that...that is just silly.

Honorable Mention: Suspiria/Inferno/Mother of Tears- not actually Mothers (just Mother of ____, _____ and _____).  Still scary though.

12. Warlock 2- Armageddon/Xtro: A minor one, but an important one.  The titular Warlock has to show up to start the also-titular Armageddon.  How does he do it?  He infects a lady and is birthed by her right there in her living room!  As a bonus, this also happens in Xtro, only with an Alien/Human hybrid.

11. Anguish: While it is hard to tell what is happening in this overly-confusing-mind-trip Film, I do know one thing: Zelda Rubinstein is evil.  She drives her middle-aged son to kill people and take their eyes.  I should also note that her part is in the Film-within-the-Film.  That internal Film- Mother.

10. Beowulf (1999): What a Mother!  In this particular version of Beowulf, the final battle (as always) occurs between The Mother of All Monsters and our hero.  In this one, however, she is portrayed as half-Penthouse Model and half-giant spider/mutant thing.  It is ridiculous and not nearly as hot as 'Model on a Porn Star' Angelina Jolie...although also far less deep into the Uncanny Valley.

9. Mommy/Mommy's Day: She's a killer Momma.  Instead of talking about Serial Mom, let me talk about these ones.  She will kill anyone that she perceives as getting in the way of her kid's success.  This Bad Seed is one bad Momma!

8. Pulse 2: Another bad Mamma, but somehow sold as good.  In this Film, Ghosts have escaped from Internet (just go with it) and are making a mess of the world.  This lady is about to kill her young child rather than let it get infected by the plague.  She is killed instead, however, and proceeds to haunt the Dad and child to the very end.  When she kills him at the End, this is treated as 'justice.'  I'm not sure that I follow, movie...

7. The Baby: A double dose of weird!  A State Employee is tasked with checking in on a child in her Town.  What she discovers if a full-grown adult who acts like a baby!  Why?  Well, the Mom and Sister committed to this plan after the Husband/Dad left.  That's...messed up.  Our heroine eventually gets the 'kid' from their custody...since they get killed.  Now here's the twist: she wants to raise the man-baby with...her man-baby!  They don't say it explicitly, but the implication is that her Husband/Fiancee got a bad head injury and regressed to an infantile state.  What a...happy family?

6. Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter: This blood-sucking Momma is just keeping the family in line.  In the Story, the titular hero comes to town to, well, guess.  He eventually discovers a strict, hierarchal Vampire family.  Momma Vampire and her son put up a good fight, proving that family is tough to combat.

5. Offspring (2009): While I don't like the Film, I can't deny how applicable it is.  A mostly-inbred, cannibal family off the coast of Maine makes their play to catch some new food.  They attack a house with a pair of Mothers and their kids.  Both sides fight hard against each other.  On the cannibal side, the Mother takes charge by the end (leading to the film The Mother).  On the good side, these ladies stand their ground, no matter what the cost.

4. Humanoids from the Deep (1980): Here's a change- a strong, heroic Mother.  While the Film is not even remotely Feminist (in light of Corman firing the lady Director for not shooting more Nudity and hiring a man to do it), it has one great moment.  While most of the Humanoids attack the Fair, one goes to attack the hero's house.  The Mother of his young child is at home and manages to fend off the creature in defense of her child, even killing it!

3. Inside: Not too forgotten, but definitely worthy of more notice.  Crazy lady with scissors attacks pregnant lady in home.  Why?  Well, the latter caused a car accident which made the former lose her unborn child.  You also get to see our heroine's Mother, so it is triply-applicable.

2. Phenomena: Another killer Momma.  In one of Dario Argento's less-appreciated Films, our heroine tracks down a killer of women in Switzerland.  It turns out to be some sort of misshapen child that belongs to Dario Nicolodi's Character.  She takes action on his behalf, protecting her son from justice because of the power of motherhood.  Let's just say that it doesn't end well.

1. Helldriver: We're going to Japan for the top pick.  In this crazy Film, a Husband and Wife killer team chase down their child when she flees the pair.  The Mother ends up getting struck by some space debris and emerges as a Zombie-creating Alien Hybrid.  This is Japan, you know.  She is so effective that Japan is literally separated into an infected side and a clean side.  Good for you, Mom.

On this Holiday, salute your Mothers and thank Xenu that they aren't like some of the ones here!

Happy Mother's Day.

Three Witches: Warlock 3

Let's close up this witching chapter of Mondo Bizarro with a look at the third and final film in the series.  Mind you, I call it a series very, very loosely.  Considering that the first film is about a time-traveling magician, the second film is about the Son of Satan and this film is about this guy trying to kill the descendant of a witch.  Sadly, this film is bereft of Julian Sands, although they do have a decent fill-in.  New to the role- and only doing it once- is Bruce Payne, a man most people would recognize as either Damodar from Dungeons & Dragons or Kell from Highlander: Endgame.  He is a classically-trained theater actor from England, but he does stuff like this?  That would be sad if it wasn't so common.  The other thing notable about this movie is what else was lost or changed.  For starters, a different company owns the rights to this movie.  I guess it's a Terminator situation, huh?  Secondly, the movie took six years to get made and was not released theatrically.  Anyone still optimistic?  Anyhow, let's close this book with...

Warlock 3: The End of Innocence

The movie begins with a flashback to the 16th Century involving a woman running around in the woods and being chased by a warlock.  Guys, you are giving me flashbacks to both Troll 2 and Leprechaun 2.  Is this what you want to inspire?!?  In the present, we are introduced to our heroine who is extremely-generic.  I try to find something interesting in actors, but damn is she dull!  Her friends, however, spend their first scene engaging in some handcuffed lap-dancing.  I think we have officially reached 'the end of innocence' now!  The plot of the film involves our heroine wanting to go to an old family estate to get some heirlooms before reconstruction work is done.  That means leaving on the weekend before mid-terms to get the stuff.  In a rare bit of story logic, the friends put work over play and refuse to go.  That's creative!  I wonder where they're going to go with this.  Before our hero gets there, a man is killed by a force in the window.  Who is he?  Nobody.  Why is this important?  It's not.  Our heroine's first night is filled with all of the cliches- creaking boards, thunderstorm and freaky mirror spirits.  What?  You don't see those every night?  All of this builds up to...the friends showing up.  Thanks for nothing, plot thread.

*

Around this time, the fifth wheel of the group- the one without a lady- opens up a rusty pipe and lets loose the warlock.  I guess he was hanging out with his buddies from Dark Water.  Since he is a stoner,- why not- he ignores this reveal.  An art historian shows up to warn our heroine about the whole family curse involving the warlock.  Speaking of which, a mysterious man shows up and talks in a British accent.  Witch!  Of course, only our secondary heroine figures out that something is awry.  Since she is a Wiccan (not a Druid!) with a magical necklace, she is immune to his powers.  Unfortunately, the fifth wheel is not and gets manipulated into helping our villain.  How?  He is in love with our heroine, so he plays along.  Oh and we get another BDSM scene with the couple- thanks, movie.  When our Wiccan finally confronts the Warlock, she learns that a lock of her hair was stolen by the stoner guy, as well as her necklace.  He turns her into glass and shatters her.  He uses his powers to capture everyone else.  He tortures and abuses them until they 'give her up' (a nod to the stone retrieval in Part 2, maybe).  The BDSM couple get tortured Hellraiser-style until they concede.  The big sacrifice goes pretty well until our heroine moves slightly out of the way and fights back.  A big fight ensues & the pompous warlock goes down thanks to a knife hidden in a doll.  Hey, don't look at me- I didn't write it!  The End.

*

This movie is really not that good.  It has some good magical effects in it, but they are nothing compared to Part 2.  Payne does a good job, but I can't help but miss Sands here.  You guys could have just called this The End of Innocence, you know, and saved yourself this problem.  The plot is just not up to par for what you would expect with this series.  The first two films involve a warlock trying to end all of existence or bring Hell to Earth.  This one- he just wants power.  If you can turn people to glass, you should learn to just accept what you have!  If I could turn people into glass, well, I would not bother with a silly website about movies.  The film is about what you expect with direct-to-video films from this era and nothing more.  You could have done so much more, guys!  Oh well.

*

Next up, a bad movie about witches with an even worse transfer.  Can I complain about a film transfer when the movie is also this bad?  Yes, yes I can.  Stay tuned...

Three Witches: Warlock 2

We're back with the second film ins the series and with a brand new director.  This time, it is Anthony Hickox, the man behind the Waxwork films and Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat.  What this should tell you is that the movie will be weird, bloody and full of odd special effects.  In that regard, the movie truly delivers.  What I should note is that this an in-name only sequel to the movie and ignores everything else.  Even the origin of our villain has been tweaked a little.  Even so, it has Julian Sands in it, so it will never be all bad.  Can this movie deliver the kind of visceral experience that the original promised?  Find out in my review of...

Warlock: The Armageddon

The film begins in the past with some Druids.  Oh no, they're back to make sub-par historical epics!  Actually, a group of them is attacked as they seek to do a ceremony involving some magical stones.  Most of them are killed, but a few get away with some of the stones.  We jump to the present where a woman is getting ready for a night out on the town.  Unfortunately, a mysterious force attacks her and impregnates her!  In a matter of moments, a gross creature pops out of her circa Xtro.  That creature: Julian Sands.  If there ever was a case for late term abortions, this would be it.  Her date shows up and it is...Zach Galligan.  He is killed off-screen for his all-black ensemble.  Thanks for visiting, Zach.  I'll see you again in...well, nothing really.  I kid, I kid.  Anyhow, we meet our hero and heroine, a young couple who are not meant to be.  The father of the girl is against them seeing each other, saying that it has something to do with his family.  At the same time, the son complains about his family being different.  Um, what's the big secret, guys?  Maybe the dad will explain it when he meets the couple out in the field.  Oh, he actually just shoots the kid with a shotgun.  Holy coming out of left field, Batman!

*

Finally, we all get some explanation.  The family, you see, is the descendants of the Druids from the beginning.  The other dad is the local priest of a congregation who thinks that Druids are Satanists.  No, you're thinking of the Seventh Day Adventists.  Seriously though, the young man is a Druid Warrior (multi-classing?!?) who is destined to stop the Son of Satan (Sands) from opening up a portal to Hell with the magical stones.  Our villain has six days to collect the stones and do the ceremony during the lunar eclipse or be forced to wait another long time to do it.  Hundreds of years in Hell with a disappointed Satan- not fun.  He goes about his task of retrieving the stones while our hero has to prepare.  His preparation involves learning to use his Druid powers, which look oddly like the Force.  Keep an eye out for some CG object effects which do not exactly hold up to well.  During that, Sands is wreaking some serious havoc.  The catch to retrieving the objects is that they must be given to him.   Of course, knowing this guy, he will not play fair!

*

The bits with the evil warlock killing people are by far the best parts of the movie.  One woman agrees to give him the stone if he demonstrates some magic.  He does this by flying into the air...and dropping her.  Another man is trapped in a mirror dimension by Sands and given the option of handing over the fake stone in exchange for his release.  Yeah, he picks wrong.  Of course, his best moment is still grabbing a midget fortune teller- no, not Zelda- and slamming her into an iron maiden.  Guys, lock the medieval torture device next time!  The most freaky retrieval involves Sands tricking an art dealer into giving the stone over in exchange for the best piece of his life.  When he gets the stone, he turns the man into an object de art!  The big, bloody finale involves our hero manipulating the elements of earth to try and stop the warlock.  He fails initially when he is launched out of a building and onto a pipe.  Things take a turn for the better when our heroine uses her new-found Druid powers- without all the training, mind you- to battle Sands as well.  They are both immobilized, however, and the Warlock begins the ritual.  Using their combined powers, our heroes stop the ceremony by turning on some truck's headlights (don't ask), which makes Sands really mad.  One magically-propelled knife later though, he dies a bloody death.  Picture the melting death of Radu, basically.  One sequel-bait ending and this is over.

*

This movie- in spite of its flaws- is clearly the movie that Warlock should have been.  Hickox' influence is clear, with all of the blood and crazy effects.  Not all of the hold up- anything CG, pretty much- but it is all fun.  If you love crazy blood effects, this is definitely the movie for you!  Sands delivers another great performance here and really relishes the role.  He has a neat mix of disinterest and anger that is much harder to pull off than you might think.  The supporting actors do a solid job, although the older Druids really steal the show.  The main actors are passable, but never really get the star-making role out of it that they may have hoped for.  Although, fun fact- the girl (Paula Marshall) would also star in Full Eclipse and become a staple of TV show guest-starring.  The guy, however, has not worked since the direct-to-video sequel to The Brave Little Toaster...in 1998.  If you are going to see one Warlock movie, make it this one.  You don't really need to see the others for this to work either.

*

Up next, the conclusion to the Warlock trilogy.  Was it worth the six years it took to get made?  All signs point to 'no.'

Three Witches: Warlock (1989)

I really like Julian Sands- he's a compelling actor.  One could argue that he does not always pick the best films to do- I'm looking at you The Medallion- but he is great in whatever he does.  Today we won't talk about that disappointing movie and focus instead on the first of three films about an evil witch.  This film was made by Steve Miner, the man who brought us Jason Voorhees (in Friday the 13th Part II and III) and House- the horror film, not the show.  In the last decade, he has been a television director, working on such shows as Smallville and Karen Sisco.  Apparently, he is good enough to work on shows based on movies, but not  actual movies!  In fairness to Steve, he did direct Day of the Dead- the remake in 2008, that is.  At least it was not Day of the Dead 2: Contagium!  Getting back on-topic, this movie involves a witch time-traveling to the present...of 1989 and trying to get Satan's bible together.  Have you tried Barnes & Noble?  This is...

Warlock

The film begins with a slow sequence of men walking in a dark, bleak and rainy town.  Old-timey Kansas or Bergman film- you decide!  Oh yeah, one of them is also Mr. Pitt as a witch-hunting priest.  First a Nazi and now this- the guy has range!  They go to see their most important prisoner- Julian Sands.  Mr. Sands is sporting a lovely pair of toe-to-thumb cuffs which are the hottest trend in condemned mages.  The lead witch hunter- sporting an Aragorn-style look- taunts the man before leaving to wait in the hallway for the execution date.  Unfortunately, the perfect storm of clouds and CGI hits and a tornado summons our warlock friend away.  So your big spell was the teleport trick from Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest?  The angry witch hunter follows him, however, and disappears into time.  In the grand tradition of Dungeons & Dragons, his trip takes a lot longer than the other man's and they never explain it.  Anyhow, our narrative jumps to Los Angeles & a lovely pair of a gay man and a teeny-bopper.  The warlock pops out of his tornado and shows up in their living room, causing a bit of confusion.  The lady departs in the morning, leaving the gay man and the warlock together.  I smell a sitcom!  Actually, Mr. Sands puts a stop to that by cutting the man's fingers off to get a ring and drinks his blood.  Naturally, this is a distressing thing to come home to, but it will only get worse.

*

Unfortunately for our heroine, the witch hunter shows up as well and does not exactly fit in.  She calls the cops on him, who you think would be none to keen with her living in a crime scene.  They show up and arrest the time-torn man, but not before he sets up a witch radar (don't ask).  They tell her to leave again, but she stays around to get all 1,000 of her bags.  During all of this, the warlock goes to a fake psychic and summons his master- Satan.  The Prince of Lies tells him to reassemble his holy book to unmake existence.  The poor woman also gets her eyes ripped out and used as a manuscript radar.  Fear the power of radar!  The warlock shows up at the house since, you guessed it, some of the pages are there.  Geez, he could have saved so much time if he had checked earlier!  By the way, good job reusing your sets, Steve.  Before he goes, he casts an aging spell on the young woman, causing her to age 20 years a day until her death.  All of a sudden, trusting the witch hunter seems like a good idea and they go off together.  Unfortunately for them, the warlock is ahead of them and skins a kid (off-screen) in order to make a flying spell.  Brooms?  We don't need no stinking brooms!

*

The action gets hot and heavy from hereon out, but so does the odd padding.  You see, the movie has a straight-forward 'go there and do this' plot, but acts extra elements to it.  Fight the warlock at a Mennonite farm- sure.  Spend two or three scenes showing how the guy does not fit into society- why not?  Give us a whole bit of them getting onto a plane and nothing happening- that's pushing it.  The action we do get is good though and the effects hold up relatively-well.  The whole thing culminates in Boston where the final pages are buried in a graveyard.  The book seems safe, as it is on holy ground, but our heroes learn that the coffin will be moved.  To make things worse, the coffin belongs to our time-torn hero.  He refuses to look, but the implication is that his body is there.  You should be happy- it means that you win!  Our villain shows up and proves that he has learned from the last battle.  The hunter fights Sands, but gets a fireball down his throat for his troubles.  The warlock gets his hands on the book and begins to utter God's name backwards to undo existence (don't ask).  However, our plucky heroine recalls the bit about unholy beings having a weakness against salt.  To stop him, she stabs the all-powerful being with her insulin and he melts, but not before giving us one more jump scare.  All is right...for now.

*

This movie is quite good, but suffers some major problems as well.  The pacing is a bit erratic at times and certain bits could be trimmed.  While not necessarily real long- it clocks in at about 1 hour and forty-five minutes- it could do with some cutting.  It gets a bit repetitive is all I'm saying.  Sands is great though, which helps make all of his scenes worthwhile.  The interaction between the hunter and the young woman feels very organic though, so it does have that going for it.  The acting is good across the board, so you can do worse than watching this movie.  It's not the strongest entry in the 80s horror market, but it has its moments.  If you want less story and more craziness, wait until the first sequel.

*

Up next, the first sequel.  Anthony Hickox takes the helm for this one, so expect blood, guts and a cameo by Zach Galligan.  Stay tuned...