Remake This?: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Could you tell that I was putting this off?  Well, I was.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the 2003 Remake of the 1974 Classic from Tobe Hooper.  They gave him a token Co-Producer Credit, so that's something.

The new Writer- Scott Kosar- got a weird trend going in his Career.  After this did well, he ended up writing more Remakes in a short amount of time- The Amityville Horror and The Crazies.  He also wrote for Bates Motel, which is not a Remake of that infamous Pilot though.

The new Director- Marcus Nispel- would also go on to Direct a couple of Remakes- Conan and Friday the 13th.

It had been 30 years and the original didn't exactly cost millions of dollars then.
So, can you pour enough money into this to make it better?

If Twitter is any indication, I'm going with 'no.'

To find out, read on...

The Film begins with fake-old footage from the '70s and the return of John Larroquette as the Narrator.

It also introduces a new Element- Found Footage.

We get a tease of 2 Cops investigating the House long after the events of the Film before the Title appears.

Does reminding me of The Poughkeepsie Tapes get this Film off to a good start?  No.

Anyhow, we meet a bunch of young, good-looking people driving through Texas from Mexico.

What they picked up there is a Plot Point.

They almost hit a Hitchhiker and pick her up.

She acts all strange and they tell her that they'll take her home.

She freaks out, draws a gun and shoots herself in the head.

Enjoy the middle part of this one neat, if gratuitous tracking shot out of the Van.
It's the best part of the Film.

They try to call the Police, but the locals aren't much help.

The group is split about what to do.  Some want to just leave the body and go, while the others want to stay.

The fact that they had some pot with them is an issue as well.

This wouldn't be an issue in The Colorado Chainsaw Massacre, of course.

This part of the Film, by the way, feels very drawn out.

Our Final Girl- Jessica Biel- and her boyfriend go to this weird guy's House to call the Sheriff.

Meanwhile, he just kind of shows up at the Van and acts like a dick to the others.
To be fair, was R. Lee Ermey ever cast to play, I don't know, a Friendly Guidance Counselor?

Since, I guess, he's bored, the Boyfriend wanders around the House.

He's somehow snuck up on by a 400-lb man in a creaky house with a hammer and dies.

We later get extra pathos when Leatherface finds a ring he was carrying.

That's nice and cruel- thanks, Movie.

Did you want an Origin for Leatherface?

Well, you get one!

He had some sort of disease and his nose eventually rotted off.  That's why it's okay that he murders people and skins them?

Skipping ahead, the Cast is whittled down to just Biel and the nerdy guy Morgan.

The Sheriff beats him up- because cruelty- and she ends up with the family.

There's oddly NO Dinner Scene in this one- this is the closest you get.

In a prolonged bit, she rescues Morgan, they hide and then Leatherface kills him.

She cuts off the baddy's arm and runs over the Sheriff, escaping Town with the baby that the Family stole from the Hitchhiker.

The End.

Oh wait- not really.

We need to wrap up the Intro too.

The Cops go down to the Basement and get killed by Leatherface, even giving us the Cannibal Holocaust shot (below).

Somehow, the Family escaped...to never return, since there's no Sequel to this one somehow.

The *real* end.

A Film that does many things right, but so many things wrong.

I'm going to feel like I'm repeating myself after covering The Hills Have Eyes Remake.  Both Films are interesting because they are Horror set in the daytime and in real places.  That is in contrast to, for instance, the dark Cabin in the Woods or the creaky old Castle.

This one has ONE Scene like that- the Chase out of the House.

The rest of the Film's big scares happen in the dark Basement, at night OR at night in the rain.

Face meet palm.

Putting that aside, it has good looking people in danger and Ermey is great here, even if his role is barely even two-dimensional.  Hate the game, not the player.

The Film is also very front-loaded, with it taking a good 45 minutes to get to 'the good stuff.'  I'm curious how Audiences reacted to this, as I was not part of them in 2003.

On top of all that, the Film is a weird mix of looking too sleek (as it was shot with 2003 tricks) and too grimey.  Jessica Biel is hot- I'll grant you- but you could always just read FHM at this time to get your fix.

Take us away, accidental bit of Comedy in the Cold Open.

Next up, the 2006 Prequel.  I really went back and forth about whether or not to do it first.  Oh joy.

Remake This?: Willard (2003)

 Well, it still wasn't the most controversial Horror Remake from 2003.  I'll get to that one later.

This is Willard, specifically the Remake made 29 years after the Original.  See my take on that Film here.

This one comes to us from Glen Morgan, a man most known for Producing, Writing and- later- Directing for The X-Files.  This is one of two Films he's made so far- both are Remakes.  
Mind you, the Producers- so, him- claim that this is less of a Remake of the Film and more of a 'reworking of the original concept.'

Look- that's true of John Carpenter's The Thing, but I don't quite see it here.  Other than changing a few things here and there (plus one big thing), it is just a Remake.

Anchored by Crispin Glover aka Letterman's favorite Guest, it sure is going to be weird.  Will it be good though?  To find out, read on ...

After THREE MINUTES OF CREDITS, we get to see Willard buying pest control items at the request of his Mother, who was widowed when his Dad (presented via Painting) committed suicide.

His Boss- R. Lee Ermey- disrespects him at work, in spite of the fact that his late Father co-founded the Company with him.

The fact that Willard only has what would be considered an 'entry level' job speaks to that.

He finds a white rat in one of the traps and befriends it, naming it Socrates (since it is so smart).

He also names a large rat Ben and feeds them all in secret in the basement.

More beratement and abuse comes for his Boss (to be fair, he is Ermey- that's kind of his thing) and he's even docked a week's pay for being late too much!

Do you get the symbolism?  It is pretty subtle...

He uses Ben and the army to break in and slash/bite out the tires of his Boss' car.

He also nearly kills a dog, but this Film would never actually kill another animal...until a few Scenes later.

Willard finds that Ben won't obey him, and he can't stand that.

He has some trust issues...with his rats.

Ben just does whatever he wants, and Socrates tries to keep the peace.

Willard is fired and also finds out that his Parents owed lots of money to, well, everyone.  He's going to lose the House!

He tries to kill himself with the same pocket knife his Dad used (they kept it AND didn't clean off the blood?!?!?) but Socrates stops him.

Oh shit- that rat is two days away from retirement, isn't he?!?

Yep.  He's found at work and killed by Ermey, not knowing the Willard connection (of course).

This pushes Willard over the edge and he sics his rats on him, watching them kill him as he is behind the same caged door from earlier.

Things take a turn when he tries to kill off all of the rats, since they can tie him to the murder.  That or he feels bad...but, nah.

Like in the Original, this, of course backfires.

Unlike in the Original, however, he survives and kills Ben.  No Sequel for you, buddy!

(Just ignore the Alternate- read: better- Ending where he dies)

A good Film, even if it is often style over substance at times.  The Film looks really unique, a blend of Old-World Wes Anderson and Tim Burton, I suppose.

The Plot is nothing too complicated.  It really relies upon you connecting with and caring about Willard.  Glover really disappears into the role, so kudos for that.  He really feels like a fully realized person...in a Plot that it mostly bullet points.

For instance, the Boss never gets too much depth, and we only get hints of the intrigue around him.  How did he steal the company?  How did he drive Dad to suicide?  Is he just genuinely an asshole?

That said, the Film really thrives with the use of practical effects.  They use real rats for 99% of it (it seems) and the Movie benefits from it.  Given when it was made, it could easily have looked silly and cheap for modern viewers with dated CGI.

What's funny is that Ben is 'played' by a rat that is so big and rare (in the U.S.) that many people thought that it was animatronic.  Nope- all real, baby!

Willard is mostly a bipolar Morality Play about the man, but kind of suffers at the end when he doesn't, you know, learn a lesson.  At all.

On the plus side, Glover kills it!

So much emotion!

Next up, let me get to some non-Horror before October.  What's in the pile that needs some attention?  Stay tuned...

Grease Painted Death: Fear of Clowns

Well, that's direct!  

Today's film is all about the fear of clowns and how it can affect people.  Skipping all pretense, they just called it Fear of Clowns.  

However, the movie is much more than that.  

In reality, it is a fairly-short film that is padded out by two unnecessary sub-plots that make it last 90 minutes.  As a bonus, it has an anti-climax ending and a conclusion right out of a Project Terrible film.  

Which one?  

Wouldn't you like to know!  

The movie is a fairly low-budget and doesn't really feature any stars.  Does this hold the movie back or liberate it?  To find out the answers to all of the questions raised above, read below...

The film begins with a random dream sequence that serves no purpose.  

I should be used to those by now, really.  On the plus side, it's not the cliche 'opening kill' scene...

Our heroine is a painter who has one subject- clowns.  She is having some personal problems- including a divorce and custody battle- but that is abated a bit when she meets a handsome, rich man...

Unfortunately for her, she's being stalked by a Clown who chews steroids instead of cotton candy.  

I should also point out that the make-up job, while creepy, is not the same on the menu or DVD itself.  How do you mess that up?!?

Pointless sub-plot #1: A random, rich guy hires her to make a painting of his father- a famous clown.  She does it, in spite of finding out that he was a child molester.  

She gets paid and... that's it.  No, really.

The plot gets a bit convoluted as our heroine is going through a romance, as well as being stalked by the clown and having a man following her that was hired by her soon to be ex-husband, which leads us to...

Pointless Sub-Plot #2: A man is hired by the ex-husband to kill her, even though he's probably going to get custody.  

His attempt fails- although his plan wouldn't have fooled nobody to begin with- and he dies.  

To further kill this sub-plot, the husband is also killed...by the clown...who he also sent to kill her.  Confused?

The film comes to a head as the killer clown confronts our heroes at a movie theater where they are having a private date- more on that in a later post.  After a lot of stalling and chasing, he gets caught.

Don't worry, he escapes after the action is all over...apparently.  The End.

I ain't 'fraid of no clowns!  The plot of this movie could have been good, really it could have.  However, the execution is a bit faulty and the script does it a disservice.  

The film is also not helped by the inclusion of two pointless sub-plots mentioned above.  

Seriously, what was the point of the 'you're hired to do this painting' sub-plot?  The killer has no connection to the man?  

The whole thing is not a plot to trick her?  

All she gets is paid- more than was planned in fact.  

To further add to this nonsense, she takes the job to hire a better lawyer for her divorce case...which pretty much ends when the husband is murdered!  

I also love the amazing redundancy of the husband- hiring TWO different people to kill his wife.  Furthermore, he connects himself by having a former patient- who is somehow out, while still being insane- do the job.  

On top of that, he doesn't tell the non-clown killer about the clown...unless they just added this plot explanation later.  

Notice how I'm not talking about the leads at all?  Well, they're boring as hell and don't add much to the film.  They don't do a bad job, but they also don't make me care.  

Overall, this is a decent film, but nothing more.  There are certainly worse killer clown films out there...

Up next, a film that should be awesome.  Sadly, it's as dull as dishwater, in spite of featuring a famous comedian from the '80s.  Stay tuned...