Infamous Week: Super Mario Bros.

Press Start to be disappointed!  After a long period of hype, Nintendo fans got a Super Mario Bros movie.  How would that work?  The games- counting the original Arcade one- had no real plots to speak of.  Some combination of Mario and Luigi would run around, headbutt some bricks and jump on walking mushrooms.  What kind of narrative is there?  As it turns out, they made a mess of the film.  Hell, the Porn version of the film is closer to the plot, even though it mixes up Mario and Luigi.  The film comes to us from the pair behind Max Headroom, which explains the neo-future setting and the scatter-shot humor.  The mixed-up plot comes to us courtesy of daily rewrites on the set.  Good times, good times.  The set was full of issues, including one of the stars- John Leguizamo- taking up drinking, leading to him breaking the other star's wrist in an on-set crash.  When you see one actor wearing gloves for one scene and the other not, you'll know what happens.  To find out just why a generation of Gamers hates this film, read on...

In a ridiculous bit of animation and narration, we 'learn' that maybe another Dimension was made when that infamous asteroid hit the Earth. Wait- did it?  Why can't the Narrator just say it?  Plus, why is the Narrator Homer Simpson?!?

After that silly crap, we get more silly crap.  A lady escapes from the sewer and delivers an egg to a Catholic Church.  Said egg hatches to reveal a little girl, who will grow up to be an ashamed character-actor.

The late Dennis Hopper smoothly segues into Waterworld with his performance as King Koopa.  He's so silly that he makes Fisher Stevens looks sedate.

Our heroes end up in the Other Dimension- which is never actually explained- and end up as fugitives.  It all has to do with a MacGuffin in the form of a meteor rock chunk.  I'd explain why it's important, but then I would have to kill myself.

Remember how Toad is a humanoid Mushroom in the games?  He's a Hippie Protester here, who ends up being turned into a Koopa.  You've made up random shit so far, so why not?

When your Mario Bros movie has Mario dancing with a fat lady in a bar, you've made a wrong turn!  Abandon ship!

Just over an hour in, we finally get a fair semblance of the classic Super Mario Bros. outfits.  When contrasted with the shrunken-head Koopas, it's not enough!

Let's take time to work in some imagery that will be awkward in 8 years.  Fun fact: this movie was released the same year as the original WTC bombing!

Hey movie, why don't you flash an image of what Koopa should have been for about twenty-seconds, just to rub it in?  Thanks a lot.

Holy Lance Henriksen- are you required to be in every piece of shit movie like this?!?

The film ends on some sequel bait that just appears to be really, really sad.  The only thing that would have been worse- Super Mario Bros.: The Movie- The Game!  The End.

No One-Ups for you, movie!  The plot of this film is a mess.  Is anyone surprised?  They took a game that didn't really have much narrative to it, wrote about four different scripts and spent the better part of six months doing daily revisions on those!  When the Directors- who everyone realizes were out of their element here- seem flustered, things are not good.  Here's a thought: embrace the nothingness of the plot.  Just have two people playing the Brothers, have it just stated that they battle Koopa and go from there.  What's wrong with that?  Would a plot involving a meteorite creating a parallel dimension to ours- in the Earth's core- that is full of evolved dinosaurs seem good instead?  They should have just gone big or gone home.  As it is, the movie is a confusing mess full of messed-up characters,- Yoshi as a Raptor- pointless plot turns,- the henchman becoming super-smart- and is ultimately just a waste of time.  It almost makes you yearn for Uwe Boll films.  At least those are *usually* closer to the source material!  Take us away, worst character names ever...

Next up, one of the three films that bankrupted Disney in the '80s.  It's Norman Bates in space- with robots.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

What happens to a movie that is stuck in the middle? Sometimes, it becomes a catalyst a la Aliens or Bride of Frankenstein. Other times, they disappear completely like Beware! The Blob or The Hills Have Eyes, Part II. In this case, today's movie is the only real sequel in the entire series. Somehow, it has become completely lost amongst the seas of remakes and re-imaginings. Is there a reason why? Find out in my review of...

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II

The film begins with a bit of narration that is definitely not by John Laroquette. Basically, it says that the cops came to the house after the girl escaped, but found nothing. The crime went unsolved and un-filed for many years. Apparently though, the people have popped up every once in a while and this is one of those times. Wow, that sure is convenient.

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They set up the location as Dallas during the big week before a game. So, basically, the town is full of drunken idiots. Get ready for some killing! Our first one takes place with a pair of idiotic drunks who are driving around and calling a radio show. Evidently, the station has no way to hang up on them, which is important for later. A mysterious car catches up to them and attacks them. The buzz of a chainsaw cutting their hood sobers up the young men quickly. They shoot at one of the men...only to find that it was a trick. It's...confusing. Here is the summary: they die.

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The police show up in the morning and investigate the scene. An out-of-town sheriff shows up as well and we quickly learn that his daughter is the one who survived the first movie. The local cops don't like the fact that he wants to 'kill the buzz' and say that there is 'severe danger in the area.' Meanwhile, the radio host has kept the tape of the killing and decides to play it on the air. The narrative takes the time to show us a local chili contest in the same hotel that the sheriff is staying in. I wonder if this aside has anything to do with the overall story?

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We don't have to wait long to find out the answer. The winner takes a call on his giant '80s car phone and goes back to town. He sicks Leatherface and a freaky guy named Chop-Top to kill her. As the host runs away, the only other worker at the station shows up and gets beaten down. This is where we get the first problem with the movie: many scenes just run too long. Given the alleged level of content-cutting related to this movie, maybe this was done for padding. Whatever the reason, we don't need five minutes of the woman screaming as the door is eventually cut apart.

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The movie gets really weird from here on out. Leatherface gets a hard-on for the host, Dennis Hopper buys some chainsaws and the host's buddy gets cut up. The girl gets captured and forced to wear her friend's face. Gee, where did you get that idea from, Rob Zombie? She escapes, but gets caught again. Thanks, movie. 'Stretch' spends some time at the family dinner table with grandpa and the clan. Oddly, she is not happy. Meanwhile, Hopper is running around and cutting all the support beams to the tunnel they are in. Apparently, you can cut down 90% of them with no adverse effect. I won't spoil the ending for you, save for saying that it is oddly inconclusive. It is not badly done, just sort of sudden and vague.

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Is the movie good? Well, yes and no. If you like completely oddball films with no semblance of sanity, this is your movie. However, the tone is a bit erratic, jumping from fear to fright to fear again. This is one of the more subtler examples of 'The Evil Dead' effect that overtook cinema in the late 1980s. That brings up another problem with the movie: it is too late. By the time this movie came out, the original had been all but forgotten. The advent of the Laser Disc and DVD markets brought it back, but they came after this movie. Of course, nothing tops Blood Feast 2, which came out nearly 40 years after the first one. Way to get to work, H.G. Lewis.

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Want to psychologically-torture your kids? Here are some more options. Stay tuned...