*Internet* Pilot Wings: Cobra Kai

This might be a bit moot given that Season 2 was greenlit, but screw it.  Let's see how they sell this long-delayed follow-up to the classic Film Trilogy...

The Show begins properly with the end of the 1st Film.  Thanks for not assuming that everyone in 2018 knew how it all went down.

In 2018, Johnny is not doing great.  He's a divorced Dad and he isn't exactly a millionaire.

When fate keeps nudging him to help, will he finally stand up and make something new with his life?

Will he be able to face up to his past- literally in this case?

Will he get the final push he needs by seeing his previous nemesis succeed where he failed?

To find out, watch the Show.

All things considered, it's quite good.  The whole idea of this sounded to strange to be true!  A Sequel Show- for YouTube, no less- to The Karate Kid.  After- let's be honest- diminishing returns with each Film, would yet another follow-up be good?  Well, surprisingly, yes.  What they do right is truly humanize every Character to make you care.  Johnny is no doubt the hardest one to do- since he was such a dick in the Film- so they started with him.  Even the little bit you get of Daniel in this seems to make him feel real.  He's a guy who took his little bit of Celebrity Status to make an honest living.  Well, as honest as a Used Car Salesman can be.  No offense, guys I just bought a used car from yesterday.  While we could- and may- get more to really flesh them out here, the Episode makes it all pretty clear.  I'm still amazed at how well this worked!  I can't speak for the rest of the Show, but I, for one, am ready to see what comes next...

A good start to a Show.  It manages to make both people seem balanced & sets things up nicely.

2,500th Post Celebration: Dr. Caligari (1989)

After everything I've seen so far, this was still damn weird!  Enjoy...

Today's film is Dr. Caligari, the 1989 Version of the famous tale.  Well, sort of.  Honestly, I couldn't see how any of it relates to the Story one bit.  It doesn't even have anything to do with the 1964 Version Written by Robert Bloch either.  The connection: a character named Dr. Caligari.  That's it, pretty much.  The film tells the tale of a woman haunted by strange dreams, vision and constant craving for sex.  There is no preparing you for this movie.  How do I know?  Because even I was caught off-guard by how bizarre this whole thing was.  I've seen giant brains with mouths, ladies with alien parasites in their wombs and a man with his 'member' bitten off by an alligator-torso woman and replaces with a bio-mechanical cannon.  As the expression goes 'I've seen it all.'  Of course, there is always new stuff to see.  While I couldn't wrap my head around this movie (or the parts I watched), it did show me that there is still some freaky shit out there yet to see.  As I write my 2,500th Post, I find it refreshing to know that I have barely touched the iceberg of crazy film madness to come.  The fact that Japan continues to make films about killer sushi, toilet zombies and vampire accountants is a nice bonus.  It is worth nothing that the film's Director (under a pseudonym) made a number of 1980's Music Videos like 'Somebody's Watching Me' by Rockwell and 'I Lost on Jeopardy' by 'Weird Al' Yankovic.  Random fact!  This is about all the lead-in that can prepare you for...

A woman is having some weird dreams.  They involve her sitting in a weird room watching herself on a TV and going into a bathroom, only to be attacked by...well, this.

Her husband is convinced that she needs help again from Dr. Caligari, who kind of blows him off.  She's...well, you can see how sane she is just from this shot (she's in the center).

The woman continues to have weird visions and fantasies climaxing (pun thoroughly-intended) with a blow-up bed sheet with a mouth and tongue appear and...yeah, this happens.

I could go on, but this is pretty much a glimpse (without the prevalent Nudity) of what the rest of the film is like.  The End.

Oh wow- this was something!  One thing to note is that this is the only real commercial work of Stephen Sayadian.  He made alot of 'adult' films under the pseudonym Rinse Dreams (whatever that means!) after this film and one before it.  I will give him alot of credit for the unique visual style and flourish of the film.  Here's my problem: there is no tie to reality.  This feels like if you made only the crazy parts of those Peter Gabriel videos like 'Steam' and turned that into a film.  Like I've said, I like the crazy stuff, but it needs to have the slightest bit of grounding to it.  For example, Meet the Hollowheads was batshit insane, but had a solid (if silly) story behind it that made it work (for me, at least).  This one is just weird thing, weird thing and more weird thing.  Without a single bit of seeming reality to it, it just turned into a bizarre (if interesting) series of odd visuals.  This will probably be my only Sayadian film, as I have no real interest in reviewing Untamed Cowgirls of the Wild West Part 1: The Pillowbiters.  Oh and if you don't know him, he is from Vienna, Maynard.  He could be your neighbor.  A film I will mention is the only other Credit for the lead here- she was 'Jennera the Bellerian' (the one who talks to 'Captain Santa') in Space Mutiny (but was dubbed over by Cameron Mitchell's daughter)...

Next up, I have my first physical Screener of a film to review.  It's got vampires, hot chicks and...a Jewish Doctor?  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: The Protector 2

This one is a a bit of an odd bird as I heard NO promotion for it until I saw it on a list of Soon-to-be-Released Films and added it to my Queue.

After a four year gap in making films, how does this new Tony Jaa film stand up?  Let's see...

Tony Jaa is back from his time in a Buddhist Temple and ready for another Sequel.  His character Kham runs into familiar territory- including a kidnapped elephant and lots of fight scenes.

One change is the addition of more 'Star Power' to bolster Jaa's efforts.  Good sign or bad?

Among the new Cast Members are the Lead Actress from Chocolate (by the same Producer) and the RZA.  No, I'm not joking about that last one.

Now here's the double-edged sword: this film uses Wires and CGI now.  That's not to say that there is NO real fighting or that it is all enhanced, but much of it is.

As a balance, this allows for more over-the-top Scenes including Trains, 3rd Rails and more vehicular mayhem.  Oh and the Film was shot in 3-D.  For better or worse, this is a bigger, sillier film.

I liked The Protector 2, but I wonder if I will like it as much as I do the original when it is being revisited much later.  This represents a somewhat subtle/somewhat major change in philosophy for Jaa and the Studio.  Was the use of enhancements done out of necessity or 'just because?'  From what I can tell, Jaa and company can still 'go,' so I'm going with the latter.  There was one notable stunt where Editing and Wires played a part, which is kind of like seeing that one bit in Enter the Dragon which cheats.  I still enjoyed the film, but it felt a little bit...off.  It doesn't help that the RZA continues to get himself put into these kinds of films.  He's not good- period.  If you like rough and tumble action, you get it here.  You also get some stuff that doesn't quite feel right in a Tony Jaa film.  Whether or not this bothers you will affect whether or not you rush out to see this...

I hope this helps you make your decision.

Weird Patterns: The Horror Film Rule of Threes

Do you see things, but think that you are crazy?

Well, you are- seek help.

I, however, am not.  Here is one (of possibly many) examples of stuff that I notice...

Here are a select list of Horror Sequels...

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning
Paranormal Activity 3
Insidious: Chapter 3 (just announced)
Cube Zero
Ichi -1
From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter
Puppet Master 3
Cold Prey 3
Ringu 0
Cabin Fever: Patient Zero
Red Dragon

What do they have in common?   Well, there are two things...

They are the third Film (with some stretching).
They are all Prequels.

Weird, right?  Is there a reason?

Just for fun, here are two extra ones...

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (a film that followed 2 Seasons of the Show)
The Thing (2011) {follows the 1951 and 1982 films}

I repeat: weird, right?

New Crap: Silent Hill- Revelation

The real evil is the almighty dollar.  Seriously, we needed another Silent Hill film?  To be fair, the Game and Comic Book versions have not stopped.  It's not like the series is dead or anything.  That said, the 2006 film did little to set the world on fire and didn't make us yearn for more films.  Say what you will about the Resident Evil films- and I have-, but they have been making them consistently.  Either there's enough of a fan-base to have five films so far, with a sixth on the way.  That probably says more about ourselves as a society than anything else, but I digress.  So what has changed between the two films?  Well, all but one cast member is gone.  The one that is still here- Sean Bean.  Given his reputation for dying in every film he's in, I'm just amazed that he survived the first one to even be able to be in this one.  Just like that film, he's barely in it, so I guess that explains a lot.  The creepy little girl from the first film is now a teenager and dressed up like the heroine from Silent Hill 3- the one in a mall- and it throws in a token mention to that.  One big issue is that the whole concept of 'Silent Hill makes you see visions of your own psyche as monsters' is completely gone for this film, apparently just excised entirely.  Getting back to Resident Evil for one last time, they at least have The Umbrella Corporation making Zombies of some kind in every film.  So will this long-delayed sequel be good or just a 3-D mess?  To find out, read on...

Years after the first film, the creepy little girl is grown up- now with a blond dye job- and hiding from Silent Hill residents with Sean Bean.

In a Mall- to make Silent Hill 3 fans happy-, she's attacked by the creatures and this Detective gets killed.  CG Gore for the 3-D market!

She finally ends up in Silent Hill at the behest of a young man from School.  This lady is the source of the whole trouble.  Why does she look like our heroine?

To be fair, the movie has some crazy creatures.  There is no logic to them- as the psychological verification for any of this-, but they look neat.  It's the 2011 Thing Prequel all over again.

Here's a shock: a Horror Sequel/Remake that nobody requested features Malcolm McDowell.  I love you, Malcolm, but you can say 'no' sometimes.

The killer Nurses are back too.  Again- there was a reason for them in the game.  Here- not so much.

It all comes down to the evil girl who is deeply connected to our heroine.  It's all totally symbolic and...totally obvious.  That's really all you've got, movie?  Okay.

Is it me or does the villain here look like the Princess from Hellboy II: The Golden Army?  I mean, the hair, the dress...everything.  It can't just be me, can it?

Hey look- Pyramid Head.  You're token inclusion here really says what you think of your audience.  That's all I've got to say here.  To find out what happens in the End, watch the movie.

It's all CG and fury, signifying nothing.  Not to sound like a broken record, but most fans of Silent Hill love the series for its psychological impact.  They are games full of people being chased by freaky monsters, but there is always more under the surface.  One creature represents this aspect of a character, while another represents his deep-seated guilt.  In this film, a bunch of random monsters exist in a Brigadoon-like town that either pulls you in, someone tricks you into going there or you can just randomly drive in there.  Seriously, there are a couple of corpses...I mean, people that apparently just kind of drove in there.  That...is just silly, movie.  The film also suffers from Main Character Syndrome.  Basically, the Final Girl runs around the whole place and always escapes (is that really a SPOILER to anyone?) from danger.  Other people around her...are not so lucky though.  Oh look- a monster.  Who will survive- the Final Girl or this bitch that we just met?  Hmm...I wonder.  The biggest problem here is that the film is just forgettable.  Once you get past the re-use of its more iconic villains, what is there?  I saw it less than a week ago and I barely remember a damn thing.  At least it has boobs to...damn you, Pyramid Head!

Next up, another recent Horror Sequel that took over 5 years to appear.  How accurate can a film about Texas be if it was shot in New Orleans?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: The Birds 2- Lands End

Why?  It's a simple question.  Why?  Why make a Birds II?  Didn't we learn our lesson from the Psycho sequels (even if II is decent)?  Didn't we learn our lesson from Bates Motel?  Mind you, we certainly haven't learned our less on that, as there is a NEW Bates Motel show coming out soon.  Regardless, we should really just leave Hitchcock alone.  Isn't that right, Gus Van Sant?  The film comes to us courtesy of Alan Smithee aka Rick Rosenthal.  On one hand, Rick is responsible for the underrated Halloween II.  On the other hand, he is also responsible for Halloween Resurrection.  So, much like Russell Mulcahy, you can really take your pick on how to judge him.  So what is the film about?  Well, a nice family with a somewhat-tragic past moves to Lands End to get away from it all for the summer.  Unfortunately, 'it all' comes to them in the form of bird attacks.  Thankfully, these ones don't explode when they crash into buildings.  To the film's credit, the birds you see are almost entirely real.  It doesn't make the film all that good though.  To find out more about this film you may have tried to forget about, read on...

In the opening, a guy out on a boat is killed by birds.  The Made-for-TV budget shows itself already in the form of sub-par gore effects.

Our protagonists move into the house with their dog, but the girls aren't happy.  If you took TV away from me for 3 months, I'd cut a bitch, so I feel for them.

Oh and the parents had a son who died in a car accident.  This sub-plot helps the film reach 80 minutes.

The family gets hints of what might be behind the escalation in bird activity.  It has something to do with this bird being washed up on shore.  One last Birdemic joke though...

While not much else of interest happens (another sub-plot involves the wife flirting with another guy at work), the birds finally get to it, attacking through the girls' bedroom window.

This is the kind of film that would kill a dog.  You know, the kind that has to make things seem dramatic, but won't kill off their leads.  Sorry, Scout.

After a scene of the birds attacking the house- see above-, the family manages to barricade themselves in.  Immediately following that, the birds randomly kill this nice guy from the Lighthouse.  Poor Bastard of Cinema?

Our protagonists try to leave, but a bird has crashed into their engine and wrecked it...apparently.  With the hood undamaged (see below), how the hell did that bird do that?!?

All of this is just a pretense to get them to the Dock in a different car, where all of the havoc occurs.  After sixty-plus minutes, shit finally happens as birds get shot, people get burned in a fire (don't ask) and this Ferry Captain is killed.  Apparently he was born with one of those rare 'spit up blood and die' buttons on the side of his neck!

After fleeing in a different boat (right before a random explosion), the group is cornered by more birds.  They flip the boat and hide for about a minute before the birds fly off towards the mainland.

Wait- so is this the prequel to Birdemic?!?  The End.

It's better than you might think, but it's still not really good.  If this film was called Lands End, it would not be so infamous.  However, this film is a sequel to The Birds.  It even features Tippi Hedren in a role so minimal and pointless that I actually didn't realize it was her.  Seriously, she plays a Shop Owner named Helen who appears twice.  In Tippi's defense, she was taking just about any high-paying job to help pay for her Big Cat Rescue Charity.  While this film may not be good, I suppose it did help save some Lions.  The other thing that makes it a sequel is a reference late in the film to a similar incident happening in California about 30 years ago.  For those of you who refer to this film as 'more of a Remake,' I cite that.  The film has a good enough premise, but clearly didn't have the budget to do much with it.  The use of mostly real birds limits the scale of what they could do (see Burning Bright) and the few digitally-inserted ones you see look bad.  They look like the 3-D Jaws from the titular film when it charges at the Tunnel.  Clearly there was something more going on behind the scenes, since its Director had his Credit removed from the final product.  Was it Edited badly a la Piranha 2?  Was it re-written numerous times like Yellowbeard?  I don't know, but I do know that the final product is ho-hum.  If you give it a chance, there's a decent story here, but not much else.  We all know what this is about though...

Next up, a modern action film with the same name as an '80s one that I own.  Will this succeed without Fred Williamson?  Stay tuned...

A quick shout-out to fellow Blogger/reader Craig Edwards.  He actually worked on this film.  See for yourself...

BONUS!

Jim Jam: The Return of Swamp Thing

After Wes Craven's quirky film, we needed someone to dispose of all subtlety and just make something ridiculous.  Fortunately for us, the man behind Deathstalker 2 and Chopping Mall was here to answer our prayers.  In 1989, he unleashed his follow-up to the cult-classic and did so with all of his usual bravado.  Ridiculous characters and acting- check.  Over-the-top special effects and make-up work?  Check.  Louis Jordan returning as the villain with no real logical way to explain it?  Big check!  This movie is chock full of B-movie goodness- right or wrong- and proves what Wynorski can do when given full-reign of a franchise.  Fun fact: this same year, DC Comics opposed an Alan Moore issue of Swamp Thing which had the titular creature be revealed as the 'cup bearer' that met Jesus.  Why?  To avoid a 'firestorm' of controversy in the same year that they were releasing Batman.  Apparently, they had no problem with this movie.  Get your automatic weapons and gasoline out for my review of...

Before the credits, we get a sequence where a bunch of hunters are out in the swamp.  One man gets separated and attacked by a leech-faced monster.  Fortunately for him, Swamp Thing shows up and goes all Steven Seagal on the thing's ass, tossing it out of frame.  The man is a bit shocked by his rescuer, naturally, as the title credits appear.  If you wondered what kind of tone this film was going to have, the fact that the titles are played over Creedence Clearwater Revival's 'Born on the Bayou.'  Yeah, it's going to be one of those movies!  A young woman arrives at an Antabellum-style mansion which is owned by...Doctor Arcane?  Weren't you both dead and a mutant at the end of the last film?  The film ignores this issue- for the moment- and instead focuses on the cheesy plot to come.  The young woman is Arcane's niece (Heather Locklear) who is visiting from California.  She runs into Arcane's lady, who is played by sequel queen Sarah Douglas.  Who was her agent in the 1980s exactly?  Out in the swamp, a pair of pre-teens meet up to look at Penthouse magazines...only to be interrupted by the arrival of Leech-Face.  They flee outside and are rescued by Swamp Thing.  That guy is always about two minutes behind the plot, isn't he?  He defeats the monster by setting off an explosion that takes out all of the nearby cars.  Hurray?

At the Arcane manor, we are treated to a whole slew of bizarre characters.  I guess that's our substitute for a B-Plot, huh?  The lead scientist is a nerdy man who has a weird fetish for monsters, while the lead mercenary is one step away from being Yosemite Sam.  He is often shadowed by an equally-quirky and violent woman, who is played by Monique Gabrielle, a Penthouse playmate who is a staple of Wynorski's '80s work.  If you don't recognize the face, just picture her with blond hair and holding a doorknob.  Anyhow, Arcane is working on some sort of mysterious project that involves his niece, all the while angered by Swamp Thing's mere existence.  One night, the niece sneaks out of the house, but runs into a group of horny rednecks.  What were you expecting- the bourgeois?  Fortunately, you guessed it, Swamp Thing shows up and saves her.  Seriously, he is just following the camera crew around from just outside of frame?  A bunch of Arcane's men show up and get their asses kicked.  Somehow, I don't think that this is going to go over well.  Sure enough, he sends out more men to get our murky hero.

Finally, Arcane unleashes his master plan and gets around to explaining some things.  His men show up armed to the teeth and blow up Swamp Thing.  Don't worry- he gets better.  He brings the young woman back to the mansion and explains that he needs her DNA to stabilize himself.  Apparently, he was found out in the swamp, returned to life and cured...at least, for the time being.  While Swamp Thing restores himself, we get a bizarre scene involving the two mercenaries comparing scars.  Ripping off Jaws and being pointless- that's a win-win!  Mr. Thing restores himself to life and goes to attack the mansion.  This time, he manages to beat up a bunch of them and get inside.  During all of this, he does his experiment, which drains the young woman's life energy into him via a cheap digital effect.  Unfortunately for the villain, Ms. Douglas turns on him and stops the experiment.  He repays her with a bullet.  Swamp Thing gets inside and kicks even more ass, disposing of both mercenaries.  Before he can confront Arcane, we learn that the lead scientist is now a monster and he bursts through a door Kool-Aid Man-style, pinning Arcane under a piece of balsa wood.  The big fight lasts a few minutes before the new monster is killed.  During all of this, Arcane does nothing.  Swamp Thing leaves with the near-dead girl and the house blows up...killing Arcane.  Oh yeah, he brings her back to life.

This movie is...kind of fun, actually.  The whole thing is silly, makes almost no sense and is really over-the-top.  With that said, Jim nearly handles this perfectly.  His none-too-subtle hand guides this ridiculous narrative around for 80 minutes, give you a bunch of explosions and ends.  It doesn't try to be a masterwork of cinema or win any Academy Awards- it's just pulpy fun.  On the up-side, the Swamp Thing suit is great here, looking neat with all of its leaves and branches adorning it.  It's a bit odd that it's changed so much, but let's just go with it.  On the negative end, the redhead kid is one of the most annoying child actors ever to 'grace' our screens.  Seriously, I wish they had just killed him and gotten it over with!  As for the rest of the acting, it's really ridiculous...but mostly works.  This is a typical Jim Wynorski film, so it's really going to rub a lot of people the wrong way.  Me personally, I love it.  This is when Jim knew how to balance the good and bad aspects of his work and entertain.  His later stuff...not so much.  Fans of pulp cinema will have a blast with this goofy film and, unlike the Craven film, this DVD actually has a ton of features.  If you've got $5 to waste, you could do worse.

Up next, I take a look at a pair of films featuring a man named Thor.  Need I really say anymore?  Stay tuned...

Land of Pasta: Patrick Still Lives!

I really wanted to believe that this was a sequel.  After all, that's why I added the movie to my list and put it on the schedule.  Alas, like many people when the film came out, I was duped.  It never pays to trust the Italians...unless you're talking about romance, the arts or shitty zombie films.  Say what you will about them, but they mastered those three things.  Speaking of shitty films, this remake/sequel was made in 1980, just long enough after the original came out to seem like a real sequel.  Just a note to the people at The Asylum, if you wait a bit, you're more likely to fool people.  I'm not going to go 'Gee, they made another I Am Legend film a month after the first one came out,' but I might if you wait a year or two.  That tangent aside, this movie has almost entirely been lost to history, save for a group of idiots/film snobs like myself who decide to track it down.  I'd like to give a special thanks for the DVD company that decided to release it.  Thanks- I didn't have anything else to do with those 90 minutes anyhow!  What's notable about this movie besides it being an utter lie?  Well, it has lots of nudity and death in it.  If that's enough to entertain you, enjoy my review of...

Without any set-up or narration, we get an older man and his son waiting for a tow truck to arrive.  An unseen man tosses a bottle out of his car and hits the young man (Patrick #2) in the head.  Apparently this young man is a super-hemophiliac, because he bleeds more than the Great Muta after an Ironman Match.  That's a joke that's going to be lost on like 90% of you, isn't it?  Anyhow, the film jumps ahead suddenly to a lab where a bunch of people in comas are being studied.  The head doctor bears an uncanny resemblance to the Rev. Jim Jones, even a bit more than the guy in the movie about him!  As it turns out, his son Patrick is also in the clinic and being studied for brainwave activity and all that jazz.  After a bit of foreshadowing, we see a group of people arriving at the clinic for a week-long retreat.  We get a whole bunch of unlikable couples, including a mismatched (one David Niven-looking guy and one Italian model) bickering couple, a younger couple that's fighting and a pair of singles.  The movie makes no attempts to really hide any underlying dread or terror, so why should I?  Patrick #2 has some sort of psychic powers and isn't afraid to use them.  Gee, what a surprise.

Patrick #2 has much different plans for his victims than his Australian counterpart.  Instead of subtle actions, he has much more of an Uwe Boll approach to it.  His first victim is the Davin Niven-looking guy who turns down an offer of sex from his model wife (you're more like Niven than I thought!) to go swimming.  Once in there, the water turns into a giant hot tub and burns him up like a lobster.  When the body is found the next day (after pointless topless shot #5), Dr. Jim Jones explains it as a natural body response.  What are you a doctor of, exactly?  At night, Patrick #2 also tries to put the moves on a blond nurse at the facility.  It's like the Australian film, only with more telepathic molestation and replacing the lead actress with a model.  We learn a little more about the people staying over for the week.  Apparently, they all did some sort of crime and the doctor invited them over...to die.  Yeah, it's Ten Little Indians, just with a dash of Patrick and a scoop-full of bad Giallo cliches.  In true Giallo fashion, the woman are all whores and the men are all criminals.  Patrick #2 claims another victim via his 'flashing eyes' trick and a victim who is dumb enough to stand there and watch a hook float through the air at him.  I think Patrick #2 could have killed you without his powers, you damn idiot!

Things only get sleazier and gorier from hereon out.  Patrick #2 controls the nurse again, causing her to go in his room and disrobe.  He proceeds to have his telepathic 'way' with her in a scene that rivals the pantonmime, voodoo sex from Eternal Evil of Asia.  What a comparison!  When he's done, she 'wakes up' and flees.  More victims fall into Patrick #2's hands (so to speak).  One of them is confronted in the kitchen by a floating pipe and decides to use the Fall on Back and Spread My Legs Invitingly Technique...which ends up with the result you would expect.  After all this death and bickering, the remaining few people decide to book it.  One guy tells the lone remaining woman (not counting the nurse) that she has five minutes to go with him or stay to die.  Before he gets there, she tries to leave, but runs into a 'trap' set by Patrick #2.  She sticks her head in a window, allowing the evil psychic to decapitate her with the raising window.  Yeah, that's not how the human body works.  The man shows up later and tries to leave...only to have the car fill up with gas...for some reason.  Is Patrick a Smokestarter?  The only one he doesn't want to kill is the nurse, because he's in love with her.  Yeah, that's what hypnotizing someone and molesting them relates- love!  The dad throws a tantrum, gets killed and the nurse arrives...only to scream as the titles roll.  Okay then.

This is seriously a giant mess of a movie.  Where to begin?  How about the opening scene where a man is driven into a coma by a bottle hitting him in the head?  I don't think you could do that to a newborn...even if you hit him in his 'soft spot.'  Why does Patrick #2 get powers?  Because the other one did, duh!   Why are the kills in this movie so ridiculous?  How do almost any of them relate to Patrick #2's supposed powers?  Why does he have the power to summon the ghostly 'Eyes of Laura Mars?'  The film answers none of these questions, choosing instead to hope that you just go 'Hey, look how they killed that girl' or 'Hey, that woman is hot!'  The copious nudity in the film does keep it from getting as boring as it might be...although it's so redundant and pointless that it even gets a little tedious.  When big, fake breasts are wearing out their welcome, you're doing something wrong!  The biggest problem is this movie's bizarre mix of ideas.  The stuff they steal from Patrick- including the typewriter bit- has almost no place in this bizarre Giallo-style revenge film.  It's like the gory killings in Don't Open 'Til Christmas- they're there, but nobody is quite sure how they fit in.  This is quite a Eurotrash oddity...but it won't appeal to anyone other than fans of that shit.

Up next, we close up the 3-Part saga of Boogeyman.  Will it manage to out-suck the previous film or will it be a surprise success?  Stay tuned...