Birthday Review: The Condemned 2 (with Randy Orton)

 A special Review for one reader- even if it is a bit late.  Like an RKO, however, this came out of nowhere!

This is The Condemned 2, a 2015 DTV Sequel to a Film that definitely exists.
That one featured 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin in the 2nd proper WWE Films Production (after The Marine).

In the wake of that Film's mild success, we got a bunch of random Films that I've covered over the years.

We soon got Sequels to their Films- like The Marine 2, 12 Rounds 2 (also with Orton), 12 Rounds 3 and See No Evil 2- , original Films- Christmas Bounty, Vendetta and The Chaperone- and Sequels to other Films- Leprechaun- Origins, Jingle All the Way 2 and Surfs Up 2- that they licensed.

Back when they made The Marine 2, Randy Orton was Cast as the Lead (as Cena was busy winning LOL).
Catch- he was an actual Marine...and dishonorably discharged for trying to flee the ship.  No personal judgement, but it stopped him from being cast in place of Ted Dibiase Jr.
(Ted DiBiase Jr was Cast in his place and is now facing serious charges)

In 2015, Randy Orton was given a SECOND WWE Films Sequel to sink his teeth into- this one.

Is it good or did I waste $1?  To find out, read on...

A bad guy- Wes Studi- is doing all sorts of bad stuff, like having bad people bet on how fast 2 homeless folks will die when you poison them.

That's...definitely not kosher.

A Bail Enforcement Agent- Randy Orton- goes to bring him in, but a fight breaks out.

He accidentally kills Studi (who dies within the first 10 minutes, but gets a top credit) and is subsequently given bail for the accidental manslaughter.

He goes back home to work with his Dad, who is a Talking Cat?!?...I mean, Eric Roberts.

Randy becomes a Tow Truck Driver, which gets him an honest living and the attention of some ladies shot like they're in a Michael Bay Film.

However, the 2nd-in-Command for Studi takes over and sets a strange plan in motion.

He threatens to kill all of Orton's buddies from the Bail Bond Agency and sends them after him, betting whether or not each one will die.

His first pal attacks him in a Bar and Orton is forced to kill him...I mean, kind of.

He somehow breaks his neck by pressing it on the end of a pool table...

A second buddy tries to kill him, but first drives him out into the Desert.

His third buddy- a Sniper, as we established in the Intro- is now trying to kill him on a ridge.

We also get a random Scene where the Boss says that his version of Killers on PPV is better than in The Condemned.   Now we're a Sequel!

He keeps trying, but Orton is helped out by his 4th buddy.

They get away from one location, but must survive a second shootout.

Thankfully, his Dad arrives to help!
He's already got way more screen time than the last time I saw him.

As we reach the hour mark, Orton fends off his final buddy- an Explosives Expert- but is then shot by the Sniper.  He's persistent!

The gun has been blowing up trucks, RVs and the front half of a lady (see a future Poor Bastards of Cinema)!

Can he survive?

Oh yeah, of course.  Why would you think otherwise?

He has a big face-off with the bad guy- who put himself into the game to get the payout- for the Finale.

Good wins. 
The End.

A Film with a decent setup, but...it gets really repetitive really fast.  
Sorry, Randy.

The Plot has potential- setting up his team and then pitting them against them- but doesn't do as much as you'd like with it.

He has a bunch of generic fights with some guys, hides from a Sniper and, eventually, has a decent showdown with the explosives guy.

I was honestly expecting more interesting Fight Scenes with Orton involved and at least one wrestling move thrown in.
In the last Film of his I covered, he back suplexed a guy...as an EMT.
No such luck here.

As far as Action Films go, it is kind of bland.  It tries to add some flourishes- like drone shots-, some explosions and lots of CGI muzzle flashes.

Acting wise, it is honestly pretty good.  I just wish that they had more to work with here, honestly.

Quality wise, it is better than the first Condemned.  Fun wise, it is way more generic.  Oh well.

Lastly, how come Orton's picture here- shown in the Intro- has a headshot of him after the second Fight Scene...

Next time, let me jump way back to the 1950s.  With the Internet 'enjoying' the newest War of the Worlds, how is the Original?  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Armed Response (2017)

 I decided that I needed to cover more Action Films here.
I need more Direct-to-Video bollocks.  
I also need more Films with Wrestlers in them.

Oh look, a Russian Nesting Doll of a Film called...

A bunch of people work at 'The Temple,' a high-tech Facility designed to interrogate suspects.

An emergency call comes from them and they seem to disappear.

A group of Soldiers are called in to investigate.

Amongst the group, you have the Leader (Wesley Snipes), the erratic one (Seth Rollins) and the Lady (Anne Heche).

You also have the Lead, the guy with the tragic back-story, which brings us into Ballistica territory.

They look into what happened, eventually finding the bodies of all of the workers.

I hope you like looking at people looking at Screens.

It's as much fun as watching me write this.  Hi there, by the way.

Things heat up even more when they find an infamous Terrorist Cell Leader in the Facility.

He says that he was invited.

How is that true?

Can our Heroes figure out what is going on when it seems like their former comrades are chased by unseen being?

Can this Film pass the Bechdel Test if their two Female Characters never actually meet?

What secret will be revealed about The Temple?
Who will live?
Will this actually make sense by the end?

To find out, stream it now.  If only I could tell you where to watch it...

A Film with an interesting concept, but pretty dubious execution.  Oops, I said 'execution' about a Film set in a Prison.  Accident- honest.

Without SPOILing too much, things start to get weird and there is proven to be a connection between most of the people.  What are the odds of this?  The incident that connects them was not recent, so that just makes it all the more unlikely.  As Val Kilmer likes to say in that Meme- 'It just raises too many questions.'

The way the Film plays out is surprisingly-flat for how it's all set-up.  It's people wandering around.  It's people getting separated.  It's one guy- usually Rollins- being an asshole for no good reason.  It's lot of set-up and then a sudden rush to the end.

The way the events play out is also quite odd as the Film tries to be clever.  We see people watching Videos on a Screen, zoom into it and then see it play out in real time, before it cuts back.  It's kind of clever once.  The 5th time- much less so.

Armed Response is a Film with a bit of an identity crisis as it tries to be Political and an Action Film...and a Horror Film...and a Sci-Fi Film...and Psychological.  It's...alright.  At least it has a Gene Simmons Cameo- since it was co-Produced by a Company he owns...

AR is a bit of a strange mess.  That said, if you ever wanted to see Seth Rollins fight Anne Heche, your strange wish was granted in 2017.

Top 12 Worst WWE Studios Films (That I've Reviewed)

With Wrestlemania (number redacted as to not sound old) today, we might as well look back at some of their other works.

To note, I'm only including Films I covered here, so I'm not at fault if The Condemned 2 is worse (UPDATE- it wasn't).

12. 12 Rounds 3- Lockdown: This one is actually alright, hence its low placement.  The Story is pretty basic and has very few twists.  Even so, Dean Ambrose has a natural Charisma and the Action is satisfactory.

11. See No Evil: A so-so, nothing much to talk about Slasher Film.  I like Kane, so I'll be a bit nice here...for now.

10. The Chaperone: HHH teams up with the voice of Lisa Simpson!  This attempted Family Comedy has some surprisingly-good moments.  I clearly should have watched the OTHER HHH Family Film which involves Murder.  Besides, money from that Film didn't go to build another Scientology Center...

9. Vendetta: The real Big Evil.  This one could have been good, but it is very one-note.  Cain's Character seeks revenge...and gets it.  I hope you enjoyed No Moral Theater!

8. The Flintstones & WWE- Stone Age Smackdown: Am I still too old to be reviewing this?  Oh well- I already did.  The Story is basic and by-the-numbers.  It does feature super-buff Rey Mysterio and The Undertaker in a pink speedo, so it stays out of the Bottom 5.

7. The Jetsons & WWE- Robowrestlemania: The most recent one does still make the list.  Just like the previous Film, I am older than the demo...but this is still doofy.  The whole Plot would simply be resolved if they just unfroze The Big Show.  After all, George Jetson knows where he is in the Present.

Also, doesn't their resolution break time itself by creating a SECOND Big Show in 2017?

6. Santa's Little Helper: The first of many Miz Films.  This one is pretty safe as far as things go and The Miz learns a lesson.  He also gets beat up by Paige (who is all over the News these days), so it is a win-win.  The fact that they ripped off Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo though...

5. Christmas Bounty: The Miz ruins Christmas yet again.  This one is slightly-worse for featuring a silly Plot and some bad Action Scenes.  On top of that, The Miz gets the girl, so...-5 Stars.

4. The Marine 4- Moving Target: One more time for Mr. Mizanin.  This one has almost no Plot and is mostly just a bunch of shoot-outs.  If you expect more, you won't get it.  It also features Summer Rae, setting the stage for Paige.  Insert Brad Maddox joke here.

3. 12 Rounds 2- Reloaded: Randy Orton- Lead Actor.  The guy can work in certain roles, but Charismatic Lead in an Action Film...not so much.  The cliche revenge Plot is a half-hearted rehash of the original and very little stands out.

2. See No Evil 2: Dreary nothing of a Slasher.  Do you like Slasher Films with less of a Plot than a Friday the 13th Film?  Do you like a Film about nothing but assholes being killed by a silent assassin?  Do you need to see every Horror Film Danielle Harris has ever been in?

If so, you are the audience for this Sequel.  Count me out.

1. Leprechaun- Origins: This one checks all of the wrong boxes.  Boring Reboot of a funny Film- check.  Dreary Tone and listless Action- check.  Bad use of Practical Effects- check.  No Warwick Davis- sadly, a big check.

So those are the worst Films that I've reviewed from them so far.  
Is The Marine 5 worse?  
Is Knucklehead?

Let me know in the Comments.

Bob's Birthday Review: King of the Ring 1995

Last year, I watched a Short Film about a literal piece of shit.  Today, I watch a Show that is generally considered to be a piece of shit.  Irony?  

I have covered many Wrestling Films- be them Horror Films with Kurt Angle, Horror Films with DDP or Action Films with The Ultimate Warrior-, but never a Wrestling PPV.  This is King of the Ring 1995, a very infamous WWF (at the time) Show.  

Here's the basic set-up for you: Wrestlers battle in a Tournament and the Winner is crowned King.  They get a Crown, a Scepter and all that.  King of the Ring worked well for some in the past- like Steve Austin and Brock Lesnar-, but not so well for others- HHH and Billy Gunn.  

Even someone who doesn't follow Wrestling in the 1990s knows Austin 3:16, an expression coined at 1996's King of the Ring.  Instead of that, we get...King Mabel, the 2 biggest Stars getting shafted, another 2 forced to hang around ringside and a House Show Main Event.  

It is pretty bad.  

To find out if this Show is as bad as many say, read on...

The man on the left is Razor Ramon (aka Scott Hall).  A legitimate injury forced him out of wrestling that night.  Don't worry- he gets to hang around at ringside all night though!

The man on the right is Savio Vega.  Due to Razor's injury, he gets to wrestle 4 TIMES on the Show.  No, he wasn't a big Star at this point.

Why does Savio Vega make it so far on this Show?  Well, he has the ability to make a guy do a Flying Nothing (aka jumping to get hit when you aren't doing a real move in the first place).

Seriously, what would this have been without his foot being raised?

In Tournament Matches (featuring Bob 'Spark Plug' Holly, The Roadie and Kama Mustafa), the Flying Nothing returns to cost Holly the win.

Don't worry- a big pair of Stars do appear on the Show.

The Hardy Boys open the door for the Entrances.  No, really.

The Show is just a big, slow grind with few good spots.  

There's a moment of hope when 'Taker wrestles...but he loses.
There's another when HBK wrestles...and fights to a double-elimination draw.
Sigh.

Here is a representation of how the Show feels when you watch it.

Pro-Tip: Take a Shot every time they mention Mabel's weight.  

You'll either be too drunk by the end to care OR too amped up on Red Bull to notice how much of an anti-climax this is.

After winning the King of the Ring Crown, Mabel attacks Razor Ramon.  

Since his rib injury is actually real (and not just kayfabe), he takes an...elbow to the face.

Don't worry- the second one will definitely hit his....never mind.

As if to highlight this whole thing, a man or woman with great aim manages to clock King Mabel with some trash during his Coronation Ceremony.  

Good on ya, mate or matie!

This is not good.  Right off the bat, let me cover the good.  Bret Hart, The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels all wrestle here in their relative primes.  On top of that, Mabel has a few good moves.

Alright, now let us get to the bad stuff.  Hart is wrestling Jerry Lawler in a Kiss My Foot Match, so the quality is way down.  On top of that, it features two 'I'll Hold Him and You'll Hit- OOPS- Me' spots in five minutes.  Does Lawler ever learn?  

Next, The Undertaker does his best with Mabel, but can't win his match due to a dumb, long-running Story with the Million Dollar Corporation.  This crap took up the first THREE MAIN SHOWS OF THE YEAR (The Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania and Summerslam).  

Lastly, Michaels was booked to wrestle to a 15-minute Time Limit Draw against Kama Mustafa.  The best reason I could think for you to possibly do this would be to avoid having HBK lost to Mabel.  Would you do it?  Would he have said yes (as his reputation during this time is damn bad!)?  

As a bonus, Ramon hangs out at ringside and Intercontinental Champion Jeff (ha ha) Jarrett is managing The Roadie (as he was eliminated by The Undertaker in the Tournament).  So, with all this talent, you have Savio Vega wrestle 3x on the main Show and once before it (with the first Flying Nothing), The Roadie/Road Dogg go on twice and Mabel wrestle twice.  Damn.  

King Mabel is not the worst thing they could have done, as he does get some legitimate heat and was at least a more mobile giant than Yokozuna (who loses via Count Out after previously winning in the same Tournament via Count Out) at the time.  

In case you don't know, this leads to Mabel injuring WWF Champ Diesel, losing in a 7-minute Summerslam Main Event, losing in 1 minute to Diesel later and then legit injuring The Undertaker.

So yeah, this Show is bad.  At least it features some subtle plugs for their Sponsor though...

Happy Birthday, Bob!

I hope that this was worth sitting through another version of Hard to Be A God in July.  :-)

Quick Reviews: The Jetsons & WWE- RoboWrestleMania

As Wrestlemania approaches, why not look at this weird-ass DTV Film?

In the Present, Sheamus is the World Heavyweight Champion as a popular Babyface (good guy).

In a Film with Time Travel in it, this is still the least believable thing.

In the Future, George Jetson is kind of a screw-up.  He's literally the future Version of Fred Flintstone, a well-known fact that is hammered home by the presence of a previous WWE-Flintstones Film (seen here).

On the way to a match, The Big Show is frozen in ice and is discovered in the future by Jetson.

He is unfrozen and finds himself a man out of time.

To be fair, he's a literal Giant, so when has he ever truly fit in?

His solution: take over the new WWE (now with Robots a la Real Steel) and lead a Robot Revolt!

With Elroy's convenient time-travel formula (the one from Star Trek), they don't just unfreeze Show in the past.  Instead, they send Superstars to the future to fight their robot doubles.

To see how this all works out, watch the Film.

Silly future fluff.  The whole thing is a weird concept to work.  Wouldn't you love to be in the Pitch Meeting for this one?  "Hey, you know that Cartoon property that we haven't used since 1990?  How about we cross that over with a bunch of Wrestlers?"  Thus we have this Direct-to-Video Film teaming Sheamus, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns with George, Astro and Elroy Jetson.  It is silly.  It is really silly.  Do you expect anything else from such an odd collaboration?  This is not for weird Adults like me- at least ones that don't have Kids to use as an excuse for watching it.  If you want to see Sheamus fight Robo-Taker, this is the Film for you.  While it didn't do much for me as a whole, it did give me Astro-Kane, so all is good.

Considering that is purely for kids, it is fine.  It doesn't do enough with the premise for me though.

Quick Reviews: The Call (2013)

After seeing this mentioned 1,000,000x on Raw (due to David Otunga being in it), I was less than enthused.  When I realized that it was by the Director of The Machinist, I slowly warmed up to it...

Berry here is a 911 Operator who takes a fateful call of a Home Invasion.

Things seem to work out until she inadvertently gets the victim killed and she retreats for 6 months.

As 'luck' would have it, the Killer/Robber takes another victim and she's there (now Training) to stop it.

Incidentally, they reference the Security of the Call Center and it being 'The Hive,' but it has no bearing on the Film.  When it was meant to be a Show, it might have mattered.

Can she save this young lady from her Call Center?  Can the pair work together?

Will she have to go out on her own to save the day?  Is this just Silence of the Lambs?

Will the killer have the last laugh after all?  To find out, watch the Film.

Better than I expected.  WWE Films is kind of an odd beast.  For many of these Films, they have a big hand in them and usually affect the product negatively.  That's how The Miz keeps Starring these things.  Here's the other side of the coin though: sometimes they just put up the money with small strings attached.  In this case, it is 'put David Otunga in and give him 4 lines.'  Thank God they didn't go full-on with this and cast Naomi as the Lead or cast Heath Slater as the Killer.  No, if you want both of them in a Movie, you'll have to wait until The Marine 5.  Yes, there is going to be a 5th one!  Just like the surprisingly-good Dead Man Down, the WWE affiliation is tertiary at best.  This is by the same guy who did The Machinist, Session 9 and Sounds Like.  He knows how to shoot and set Thrillers like this one.  The worst thing I can say here is that the Plot doesn't stray too far from conventions.  All in all, this is a Call worth picking up.  Yes, I am going to hell for that.  Speaking of Hell, what corner of it did the Prop Master dig up this Small Soldiers figure from?!?

Good, tense stuff that really makes the most of the concept.  Just know that it gets a bit intense and dark pretty often.

Holiday Grapple Crap: Santa's Little Helper (2015)

After facing down Krampus, I have to face...The Miz.  Yes, he is here to haunt my Christmas yet again!  Today's Film is Santa's Little Helper, a 2015 Film that has been haunting my DVD Rack since last December.  I got it as part of a Gift Exchange I do with my friends, but knew that I wouldn't touch it until December.  Sure enough, I left it wrapped until the beginning of this Month.  I still needed time to work my way up to this Made-for-TV nonsense anyhow.  This time, The Miz is a Businessman who is a complete asshole.  In other words, not a giant stretch.  As far as Real World Cast Members go, he's somewhere between the guy who sometimes writes good Comics and the guy who puts on a Southern Accent to stay in the Senate...somehow.  When his life unravels, he's somehow the perfect guy to get a magical job with Santa Claus.  Of course!  This one is at least more appropriate for the Holidays than the one he was in in which Mobsters want to kill people on Christmas.  Is it any good?  To find out, read on...

The Miz is a complete asshole who is going to foreclose on an Orphanage in December.

...but then he loses his job, his girlfriend and his car.  He's Acting now!

When Santa's Second-in-Command is forced due to retire due to off-screen Dementia.  For kids!

His Daughter- WWE's Paige- wants the job, but can't...since Santa doesn't like her, I guess.

Santa's Personal Trainer is sent to test The Miz for the job.  Does the job require doing Squats?  Otherwise, I'm not sure why she is the person for the job.

A Douchebag in a Car Getting Coffee.

We interrupt the Film for a pointless Sub-Plot about another Elf trying to find his identity.  That is all.

Miz's Training for the job involves trying to talk down angry Bikers, deal with kids and doing shirtless Aerobics with some old Ladies.  This Mike is less Magic than promised.

His final Test involves helping a Stranger get back a Ring.  He does this...by threatening a Teenager.

Christmas!!!

Conflict comes back when Paige challenges him for the job.  The Challenge: something out of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.  Miz should have this in the bag!

Can Miz find himself and save the day?  Can Santa manipulate more people for the day is done?  Can this girl realize that she's using the wrong spelling of 'Center?'

To find out, watch the Film (if you insist).  The End.

Damn.  On the plus side, this is not as bad as I thought it would be.  On the negative side, I'm not sure that I laughed even once.  It wasn't unbearable, but it sure wasn't that good.  The Miz, to be fair, does try to act sometimes.  He's not that good...but at least I was being fair just then.  He's at least the Lead this time, so the Film isn't trying to trick you like Christmas Bounty.  This one does try to give you a good message- don't become a dickbag if one guy is a dickbag to you.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.  I want all you kids growing up under President Trump to pay special attention to that one!  Instead of Miz being sold as a Lead and not being one, we've got Paige.  She appears in about 4 Scenes, not counting reaction shots that could have been made at any point and time.  Her conflict over leading is both odd (why is she so high-ranking if she's so bad?) and silly (why is she not assumed for the job if he Dad was doing it and presumably vouched for her?).  Thank God it and the 'Elf wants to be someone else' Subplots aren't here, otherwise the Film wouldn't hit exactly 90 minutes.  Phew!  In addition, they stole a whole Plot from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.  I just thought that you should know that.  If you like cheap, Family Films with all of the usual stuff (schmaltz, predictability and pratfalls), this will work.  If you like better Films, watch Gremlins this Christmas.  According to his Entrance Graphic, Maryse is 'The Most Successful Businesswoman in the World' (paraphrasing), so...why is she working in a Dive Bar?

Next up, a classic Horror Film who's awful Sequels have already been covered.  Is God in the Machine or is it someone else?