Quick Holiday Reviews: Violent Night (2022)

 A festive night of murder, revenge and Santa Claus.

Yippee ki yay Father Christmas.

Santa is drunk and depressed.
He's lost his Christmas spirit.

Aw.

Meanwhile, a bunch of awful people- and our Heroes- are celebrating Christmas together.

What could go wrong?

Well, a bunch of bad guys break in, kill the guards and threaten to kill everyone if they don't turn over a bunch of money.

They need to break into the Vault.  Really?

Our Santa shows up and gets stranded, when his reindeer fly off.

Can he stop the bad guys?

Santa must remember his past experience as a fighter and be motivated to save everyone.

Is he up to the task?
Will they just gut his bowel full of jelly?

To find out, stream the Film now.

A fun, frenetic and violent Film...with heart.  In spite of the marketing of 'Santa Claus kills bad guys,' there's quite a few good morals and lessons here.

I know- I was surprised too.

The Film is a love letter to Christmas Films of the past- specifically the Die Hard Films.  The Plot structure is a pretty naked homage to the first Film, but there's more to it than just that. 
There's fighting in the snow and a Plot Point involving 'help' that isn't too helpful that's right out of Die Hard 2: Die Harder. 
Throw in the 'too drunk to care' at first Santa and you've got Die Hard 3's John McClane right there.  And yes, that is NOT a Christmas Film.  I guess they were just on a roll.

There's always a fun subplot that is setup nicely involving the kid watching Home Alone and being inspired by it.  The results are, well, different.  No SPOILERS.

Harbour is great here as Santa, getting a full Arc and more backstory than I was expecting here.  He learns many lessons AND gets to kill bad guys with a giant hammer.  Ho ho wholesome.

The Film wisely spends enough time on the terrible family members and no more, which is good.  It would be easy to linger on them too long and we ain't got time for that!

If you're a fan of good, visceral action a la John Wick Films, check this one out.  It still takes short breaks for Plot and Character, which is nice.  The Plot won't win any writing awards, but it gets everyone nicely from Point A to Point B with enough characterization to make it worth it.

Now this one is definitely not for the kiddies, so maybe just do the Lego Playset Version instead.

I'm not the most festive guy out there, but the Movie can 'get you in the feels.'  Just know that it does so between bad guys meeting violent (and justifiable) ends.

Quick Reviews: F9- The Fast Saga (2021)

 That damned Monkey's Paw is at work again.   Hollywood gets a successful non-Marvel Franchise...but it is Fast & Furious.

As the 10th (of possibly 12) Film comes out today, let's shift back to the last one from 2021.

Do you like high-octane action?
Do you like explosions?

If so, then you'll love...a prolonged Flashback to Dom's origin as a kid back in the late '80s, complete with Young Dom who is the wrong ethnicity and looks nothing like young Vin Diesel.

Why do we get all of this?  To set up the villain, of course.

Our Heroes leave their kid behind- he's literally not seen again until the end of the Film- to go try to rescue Mr. Nobody.

Instead, they find Military MacGuffin #289.

I can't say that the Film isn't educational.  For instance, I know that 'Peligroso Minas' is Spanish for 'Oh S**t, there's Mines!'

I also learned that if you drive fast enough, they won't blow up under your wheels.

Calling Mythbusters...

Our Villain is Jakob, played by John Cena.  He's Dom's younger Brother.

Sorry- I can't take that seriously, can you?!?

I love Cena, but...really?!?

The Film has really weird pacing too.

As an example, after we learn about Jakob, the group splits up.

They only need to find the other piece of the thing and a 'key,' but they go across the globe (from Japan to Sweden to Los Angeles to London) in like 2 days.

Did we need Dom and Helen Mirren?  I guess 'yes?'

Wanna focus up, Film?

I hear you- you want EVEN MORE FLASHBACKS.

We even get them after a big Action Scene, as we get the bonus of Dom seeing them in, I guess, a near death experience.  Yeah, someone can kill him.  HAHAHAHA.

We eventually get the setup for the finale, which feels like it should have happened an hour ago.

Also Han is alive.  Thanks for the SPOILER, Trailers!

Can they stop a big old truck from doing something something with the MacGuffin they now have?

Will Jakob stay evil (even though we know from the Fast 10 Trailers that he's good now)?

To find out, stream the Film now.  It's on Peacock, if you're curious.

A long, silly Film.  Look at the Title- F9: The Fast Saga.  How pretentious is that?!?

This all began with a very blatant copy of Point Break and now is a Saga?  Really?

The Plot is a mishmash of melodrama and ridiculous (but usually fun) Action Scenes.  In this Film, the new toy is Magnets.  They know sort of how they work and use them in ridiculous ways.  Could you really 'throw' cars with a magnet?

Yes, they lamp shade it with a line about 'never seeing a magnet this strong before.'  That doesn't change HOW magnets work, of course.

Have I mentioned how ponderous I found all of the Dom Flashback stuff enough yet?  One more.  Okay.  Seriously, I do get the idea of filling in his origin, but why now?  Why is it so boring?  Why did you get Michael Rooker for TWO SCENES and that's it?  Why does Young Dom look nothing like Dom?

All of my complaints aside, this Film made over $700 million in the post-COVID Lockdown Theater Reopening, so clearly someone wanted to see this thing reach for the Stars...

A truly Epic Film...in someone's mind.  It's allot of bollocks that will entertain fans of the spectacle...between all of the boring, sudden backstory.

Quick Reviews: Bloodshot (2020)

 As we (sort of) coast out of this whole Pandemic thing, let's look back at one of the last Films to get released before everything shut down.

Will I get my $1 worth with...

A Soldier- Vin Diesel- comes back home with his fellow Soldiers after a long mission.  His happy wife gives him the old 'welcome back' treatment.

What could go wrong?

Strangers attack and kidnap them, led by a crazed madman who dances to 'Psycho Killer.'

You're really going to make me complain about a Talking Heads song being used in a Soundtrack, aren't you?

Damn you, Diesel!

His Wife is killed and he wakes up in a fancy Facility run by Guy Pearce, who's definitely not the bad guy.

In a big old exposition dump, we learn that Pearce's company has made cybernetic implants/limbs for soldiers, but first got the ability to revive one from the dead with Diesel.

I guess if you have to pick one...

While learning about his new gifts- his blood is made of nanites, so he can heal and has super-strength- he regains some of his memories and remembers who killed his wife.

Time for some mumbling-fueled revenge.

His nanites allow him to basically do everything, including tracking down a convoy via the internet so that he can set up an elaborate trap involving turning over a truck full of flour.

I guess he Googled 'Trucks that ship flour' en route.

He proceeds to take everyone out with the 'keep shooting me until I kill you' strategy that has served Draculas well over the Decades.

Of course, there has to be a Plot Twist (or two) at the 45 minute mark.  

What path will these lead him on?
Is Guy Pearce not actually the villain (he totally is)?

To find out, stream or rent the Film.  For $1, I could do both.  Yea me.

It's kind of dumb.  The Film actually tries to do a 'have your cake and eat it too' thing here.  They have someone point out how over-the-top the first part is.

That's nice- you still did it.

The Movie is all kinds of dumb and is definitely weighed down by Vin's performance.  He's just a mindless killing machine, which only works so much.  When he has to show emotion, he...he can't.  He can be mad, but when they try to make him act nice, it's...not realistic.

The Film has alot of flash, but not much substance.  It gets close on many occasions to touching upon a real message.  So close.  You almost got it!  Nope, never mind.  

If you like Vin Diesel and lots of silly action, it's for you.
If not, be prepared to make this face for a while.

A pretty nothing Action Film that's notable for being the last Theatrical Film before the Pandemic shutdown.  Will it stand the test of time?

Quick Review: Face/Off (1997)

 I want to take you back to a time long ago.  In 1997, someone said 'Let's make a Movie about people swapping faces...and also one of them is clearly insane.'

They got John Woo to direct the ballet of insanity and we got...

A madman- Nic Cage- plants a bomb in Los Angeles, but he's very discreet about it.

Okay, that's a lie.

He dresses up like a Priest, fondles a (hopefully 18) girl and acts like a madman in public.

An FBI Agent- John Travolta- has not been the same since his son was killed (off-screen, due to '90s censors) by Cage.

He's spent the last few years trying to catch him...at the expense of everyone else.

It's a shame that he couldn't find, for instance, a Religion to help him find balance in his life and Thetan Level.

They get into a big Action Scene that begins as a Chase, turns into a shoot-out and ultimately ends one-on-one.

Wait- did we skip right to the end?!?

Well, no.

Cage has that bomb set to go off in, wait for it, 265 hours and they need to find it.

Since only his Brother will talk, they do the title thing and switch faces.

If you put enough science words in there, this all makes sense!

Things take a turn when Cage wakes up without his face.

He does the swap the other way and takes over Travolta's life.

Somehow, nobody sees through this since they, I guess, appreciate the more relaxed and erratic guy who's clearly someone else.

Time to escape from Prison.

The Film builds to the 2nd face-off (see what I did there?!?!?) between the pair as Cage('s body) is a wanted Criminal and Travolta('s body) is a respected FBI Agent.

To do this, he defused his own bomb, thus rendering that Plot Point...mostly useless.

You know who will win, of course.

That said, seeing how it all plays out is worth the price of purchase (digital or physical).
The End.

A fun, delightfully-insane Film.  It attempts to have some sort of reality, but mostly fails.  Other than Joan Allen- who's always great and serious- the rest of the Cast finds themselves adrift in the insanity.

Cage as Cage (as opposed to Cage as Travolta) is a brilliant, twisted delight.  This Film went through many theoretical Castings over the years, but I'm glad they landed on him.  Can you imagine, for instance, Harrison Ford as this guy?  How about Sylvester Stallone?  Those both almost happened!

Having John Woo on-board gives the Film all of the flourishes that you'd expect.  Yes, the doves get released.  Yes, people jump around with two guns, as if that is really a viable strategy.  Yes, people get thrown around on wires.  My favorite of those is an FBI Agent who is shot by a shotgun and goes back a good 4 feet!

If you've heard of Face/Off, you know what to expect.  However, EXPECTING it and EXPERIENCING it are two different things.  

See our Hero save the day...even if his Daughter is going to need a lifetime of Therapy to forget some things...

Face/Off is a must see for fans of '90s Action or people that never got to live it.  Seriously, it's a bizarre delight!

Quick Review: Chaos Walking (2017/2021)

 Before Spider-Man breaks, well, every record, let's see the LAST Film with Tom Holland from 2021.  Why did it lose $75 million?  Let's see...

In a dystopian World, people in a small Village have no women/girls.

Oh and their thoughts are projected in Day-Glo vapor around their heads (called their Noise).

Our Hero- Holland- has a pair of happy, adopting Parents that are also Gay.
In other words, they are dead as s--t!

Things change when an advance ship from a Colony Cruiser crashes, with only one survivor- a woman (Daisy Ridley).

She's not used to any of this, so...well, get used to this expression.

Holland is given a mission- protect Rey...I mean, Viola and help her signal her ship.

Can him and his cute dog- who is also dead meat- do it?

Standing in their way is the most obvious bad guy aside from Ben Mendelsohn.

He can use his 'Noise' to control people in ways that the Film won't bother to explain.

Also there's a literal fire and brimstone Preacher too.

Can our Heroes traverse a dangerous World and accomplish their task?

Since this is based on a YA Novel, will they also fall in love?

To find out, stream the Film now on Hulu or wherever.

It's...alright.  I was hoping for some more in one direction or the either, to be honest.

I either wanted it to be truly terrible or so good that I was like 'no seriously- it's actually good!'

It's alright.  Nothing more, nothing less.

The Premise has potential and they do some decent things with it.  One problem is that this is clearly the first Chapter in a Series (that likely won't happen).  As such, so many things don't even get close to being wrapped up.  When these things don't make it past one Film- see The Golden Compass, for instance- they feel pretty hollow.  Even knowing that more is supposed to happen is a pretty paltry gift.

So much of the Story just feels stock.  YA Characters running through dystopian woods- seen it.  Female Character with special knowledge/skill- yep.  Evil, older man villain- big check.  If the key parts were more inspired, the Film would be more interesting.  I'm not even a connoisseur of these Films and I felt bored by so much of the trappings.  If this came out, for instance, in 2011 instead of 2021, it might be different.

I should also note that the Book is called The Knife of Never Letting Go.  I don't even remotely-pretend to get how 'Chaos Walking' relates to this Story, but it's a good change.  Speaking of the opposite of changes (things staying the same), here's poor Daisy Ridley in a Film with holograms (of a sort)...

A decent Film, but a bit hard to defend given that it took so long to get made/reshot.  It's nothing special once you get past the Premise and some good Performances.

Immediate Response: The French Dispatch (2021)

 Considering what I usually cover, a Wes Anderson Film feels like a palette cleanser.  Is it good though?

The Good

* The Film is a visual delight, full of colors, fun transitions and the usual flair you expect.

* The Cast is full of notable names playing strange, quirky characters.  They each get a moment or two to shine.

* The Plot is pretty frivolous and fun.

* As usual, the mix of dead-pan and bizarre kind of works well.

The Bad

* The 'Anthology' Format (literal and figurative) makes the Film a bit disjointed.  You're seeing the Stories as 'Sections from the Paper.'  If you want one, big Plot, it's not here.

* Not all Stories are equal, with Owen Wilson's one having the least Plot.

* Anderson saves the extra visual flourishes for the last Segment, which seems disappointing a bit.

If you're a Wes Anderson fan, it's more of the same.  It is less structured Plot-wise, so don't expect an exact copy of stuff like Rushmore.

Quick Review: Iron Mask (2019)

 A Russian, Chinese and American Film walk into a bar.  

While they recover from head injuries, this is the Film we get...

In one corner, you have Jackie Chan.

He plays a locked-up Mystic with a quest to give.

In the other corner, you have Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He plays a British (pause for laughter) Warden who will let his prisoners fight for their freedom.

Sound good?

Well, enjoy about 10 minutes of the Film then.

It's *actually* about the Cartographer from Viy/Forbidden Empire as he stumbles across a Plot cribbed from a French Story.

Said Story is now about a Russian King, since those rubles don't pay themselves!

…or is it actually a Story about a Magic Dragon (not Puff), a Witch and some guys that they stole from Big Trouble in Little China?

Is it...all 3?!?

So, in summary, this Film is about the following...

A Cartographer hired by Peter the Great who goes to China.
A Magic Dragon held captive by a Witch.

A Princess who must save said Dragon at the behest of her father (Chan)

Chan trying to escape from a British Prison.

Russian Pirates helping our Hero's Wife save him (while Charles Dance stays at home).

Any questions?

An odd Film experience all-around.  

So, this one has alot of back-story.  

It was a Sequel to a Russian Film that was a big hit.  It was co-Produced by China. 
Weird how a Film by these two has zero Gay Characters, huh?  Strange.  

Anyhow, this mishmash of Wuxia, Action Film, Fantasy and Historical is...as weird as that sounds.  It's never quite a full Martial Arts Film.  

It's never quite a Fantasy Exploration Film.  

It is never quite a Film where magic is 100% real.  

For instance, it retcons the ending of Viy/Forbidden Empire where he thinks that everything wasn't magic.  

At the same time, magic is definitely real, since we have a magic dragon and a Witch.  

At the same time, the Witch fakes the Dragon (as she can't control it).  

She also fakes having magic bodyguards by way of technology.  

She also has magical masks that allow her (and others) to look like the Princess.  

So...is it real or not?  

The Film's biggest problem is focus.  

It opens with a long bit of exposition about the dragon...which doesn't matter until like the hour mark (if that).  

It sets up Flemyng's Lead...only to constantly forget about him.  

It sometimes remembers its Characters throughout until *most* of them show up for the ending.  

It begins and ends like a Wuxia Film with either Donnie Yen, Jet Li or, well, Jackie Chan in a small role.  

In the middle, it's Russian Kreplach, American French Fries, British Bangers and whatever Country you think Arnold's accent is supposed to represent here.  

Let's see if this Russian Poster clears anything up...

A weird-ass mish-mash of Genres.  If you like your Desert with your cheap Steak and your Sushi, this one is for you...weirdo.

Quick Review: Love and Monsters (2020)

 A Film about an Apocalypse that had to find a way to be released during a Pandemic- weird.  Was it good though?

In the near future, an attempt to stop an Asteroid from hitting the Earth will be successful...but the nuclear fallout will transform animals into Monsters.

Whoops.

Our Hero is, well, not heroic and does basic function for his group in their Bunker.

When it seems like his former-love (separated from him during the chaotic escape 7 years prior) is in danger, he'll risk a multi-day trip across the surface.

Is he remotely-qualified for it though?

He'll get some help along the way, thankfully, and learn some new skills that he'll need to survive.

When is their spin-off Film now, asks everyone watching this Film?

Along with a dog- named Boy in what might be a reference or a coincidence-, he must escape the titular Monsters, which include giant Frogs, Slugs and other big uglies.

Will he make it successfully to her Bunker? 

 Will he find out more about himself along the way?

When is Apple going to release these adorable Robots?

Can he become the Survivor that he's always wanted to be...or will he just get eaten?

To find out, stream the Film.  It's on Hulu, but probably like 6 other ways exist to watch it too.

An enjoyable Film with surprising depth.  The Film could easily be one kind of Film.  It could just be a riff on a Road Trip (just with giant Monsters).  Instead, it gives you a broken character and lets you see him get fixed along the way.  There are many, less nuanced ways to do this.  He could be good from the get-go, but saddled with someone less experienced, for instance.  In this one, however, he's the inexperienced one and gets helped by some side Characters.  Again- there needs to be some sort of spin-off with the pair.  The premise of the Film- radiation made small creatures into Monsters- is obviously nothing new.  That said, they really go all out with the premise.  I'm reminded of a '50s B-Movie that promised lots of that...but was just alright.  This gives you big, gross critters.  The Monster Set Pieces are quite good here.  As I said, there's more to the Story and the Characters.  Even when things seem like they're going to the logical conclusion, it's not the simple.  Love and Monsters was a nice surprise for me.  It's just big-Budget enough to deliver on the F/X, but it still kept an otherwise low-budget charm.  On a related note, there's a very similar-sounding Film, so try not to mix the two up...

If the Trailer and concept intrigued, definitely give it a watch.  If you're interested in a Creature Feature full of heart, also check it out.