Shudder-day: Alligator 2- The Mutation (1991)

 If you'd asked me last week if I'd watched this Film, I would have sworn that the answer was 'Yes.'

However, I couldn't find any Review I wrote for it, so let's check out...

It's 1991 in Los Angeles.  Nothing could go wrong.

A famous Cop- nicknamed Solo Lobo by the people- is your usual 'I don't play by the rules' kind of guy.
He's what you would get if you cast Joe Flaherty as Dirty Harry and then had a Comedian rewrite his dialog.

He gets involved when a bunch of mysterious disappearances and later deaths occur.

As luck would have it, his Wife- Dee Wallace- is a Chemist who can help him prove that it is an Alligator!

Said Alligator is a mutated one, thanks to Stock Plot Point #5- Bad Man Dumps Chemicals in Water.

The bad man is Steve Railsback, so that tracks.

Our Hero shoots it with a shotgun and drops a bunch of rubble on it, but nothing stops it!

The Mayor (and Railsback) hire some Alligator Hunters from Louisianna to take out the beast.

The group- led by Richard Lynch!- fail miserably and most of them- including Kane Hodder doing a creole accent- are killed.

Now they want to help out and get revenge!

All attempts to stop the creature from getting to the lake fail.

Railsback hold a big event in spite of the danger- Stock Jaws Plot Point #2- and a big attack (that's mostly POV) ensues.

Many fake outs occur before the creature is finally destroyed.  The End.

A fun Film and surely one that will never be mistaken for fine art.

The Plot is basic, but also full of random little extras.  The corrupt Mayor gets an Arc.  His Daughter gets one.  The Rookie Cop gets ones.

It does random things like cutting to said Cop on a date talking about how his Dad abused him...and never bringing it up again!

The creature here is...mostly not that impressive.  They don't have a full-scale model to show off, so you get POV, shots of a normal Alligator on small stages, brief shots of the head doing chomping and lots of tail action towards the end.

It's probably why they spend so much time on the real villain- Railsback.  Over the course of the Film, he chews the scenery, makes Machiavellian deals and leads to the deaths (sometimes directly) of many.

All in all, the Film is an enjoyable B-Movie that throws in random Character Moments for no clear reason.  That and it features a whole Scene of Wrestlers, which is neat for me (a Wrestling Podcaster) ...

If you go into this with the right expectations, you'll have a good time.  If you're expecting more from a Film like this...are you Martin Scorsese?!?

Rare Flix: Project Metalbeast

Aw man, this is the shit.  It is mostly shit- but you have to love it!  Today's Film is Project Metalbeast, a 1995 Horror-Action Film.  Where do I begin?  'Brad' makes a bullet-proof Werewolf.  Oh right- that explains it.  Around the time that the Howling Films were still profitable (jokes), stuff like this got made.  This one has WAY more Werewolf action than the last few Sequels and doesn't shoehorn its Producer in as a Star.  Say what you will about Shyamalan, but he has yet to be as terrible as Clive Turner!  Good times.  Where was I?  Right.  The Film stars Barry Bostwick and Kane Hodder, although the latter is buried under about 50 pounds of fur and latex the whole time.  The Plot is pretty damn ridiculous- duh!  When in doubt, bring back a guy who hates you AND is a Werewolf- makes sense to me!  I love this kind of stilly stuff, but must watch it online when a DVD is so hard to find.  For a more easy find (that being more), read on...

In the opening, a Soldier tracks down a Werewolf at a Castle.

Well, it is actually on-screen, so it can't be the lady from Howling V!  Werewolf Burn!

After he kills the creature, he gets mad at his boss (Bostwick) for belittling him.  His response- inject the Werewolf blood into himself!

After he kills a few folks, he is taken down by a silver bullet from Bostwick.

20 years later (now in 1995), Bostwick pushes a group of Scientists to try their metal-skin-bonding program on some cadavers.  Somehow, the guy makes the cut and comes back to life to boot!

Naturally, the Scientists- especially our Final Girl/Woman- are suspicious of this whole thing.  They don't even know that he's a Werewolf...yet.

Soon enough, the man morphs into a now-bullet-proof Monster!  He's mean, ugly and metallic!

Can this creature be killed or is pretty much everyone doomed?!?

Well, yes and no.  Most of them- including Bostwick- die.

However, they just bust out a silver-tipped RPG (right out of Army of Two) and blow his ass to pieces!  The End.

Dumb, but awesome stuff.  A bulletproof, super-Werewolf running around a Military Base- what is not to love?!?  Yes, this is stupid.  Yes, this Plot is all over the place.  Yes, they did appear to steal the 'thawing a guy out that you shouldn't' thing from Demolition Man (released a year or so earlier).  What is your point?  I live for this kind of stuff.  I make no apologies about it.  Things balance out for me since I just watched a Wim Wenders Film, right?  Let's go with that.  If you watch Project Metalbeast, you know what you are getting.  Big whoop- wanna fight about it?  Oh no- not me.  Him...

Next up, a look at some new Horror.  Will it be a biting Comedy or something just plain weird?  Stay tuned...

Holiday Cuts: Friday the 13th, Part 7- The New Blood

Let's continue on the backwards journey through this Series.  Why do I cover some Series Films out of Order?  Dunno- I just do.  I mostly do what ones seem to be the most interesting and start there.  I happened to find Jason X to be interesting (but not good), so I did that first.  After that, I just worked backwards. So, in summary, I'm weird and do weird things.  So what does Part 7 bring us?  In this one, Zombie Jason (as he was after Part 6) is stuck at the bottom of his famous Lake.  Thanks to a young lady with telekinetic powers, he is loose again to kill more people.  I'm sure you're asking- how did he survive under the water for so long?  He must have been bored, right?  I kid, I kid.  He was probably texting with that chick from The Ring the whole time.  No, the real odd thing here is our Carrie knock-off of a Final Girl.  When did they get mutant powers in this universe?  Well, in the previous Film (Part 6), Jason came back to life when lightning struck a metal pole stabbed into his body...so I question nothing.  He also came back from being burned to death via acid in Part 8, only to need magic to come back from being blown up in the same Film (Part 9), so...logic is nowhere.  This is all before he ends up in Space too.  Is this one less goofy and higher quality than the latter Sequels?  Not likely, but let's see for ourselves...

This is Jason Voorhees.  He has been killing lots of young people who like to have sex for about five Films now.

This is Carrie...I mean, Not Carrie.  She has developed strong telekinetic powers since her youth.

Her powers are barely-controllable and triggered by emotions.

Do you want to see these two face off right away?  Do you want to see something fresh?  Well...

You have to wait!!!

Instead, you get about an hour straight of Jason killing people, usually in groups of two.  Nobody ever screams for help either.

So, after six Film, sit back and enjoy these people: white folks in peril- now with a black couple!

Finally you get to see the pair face off properly about an hour in, once the 'Mooks' are all gone.

To the Film's credit, they hired a Make-Up/FX guy to Direct- John Carl Buechler- and Jason's make-up is appropriately-freaky.  He is a Zombie/Ghoul that has been living underwater for a year.

Not Carrie uses his powers in alot of neat ways- even if they are silly- and ultimately gets Jason back under the water...where he'll just walk out next year to go to Manhattan.  The End.

Honestly, it is not that great.  Mind you, it does depend what criteria you judge it by.  If you just want to see Jason Voorhees kill a ton of people for no good reason, this is a 5-Star Film.  That is pretty much the crux of this Film.  If you want to see a Film with good make-up and gore effects- as limited as they are at times-, this is a 3 or 4-Star Film.  If you want to see a good Story that is paced well and delivers in a timely fashion, it is more a 2-Star Film.  I may have exaggerated a bit earlier, but the point of it is true: the Film is mostly just Jason killing people until the Climax.  I won't lie and say that I was expecting something much different, but I was hoping for it.  The Film doesn't aim to be all that great, which is disappointing.  After 6 Films, maybe it was time to do something really interesting.  That idea pretty much begins and ends with 'Let's put Carrie in this.'  To be fair, I actually liked Not Carrie here, as she represents one of the few Final Girls to really stand an equal chance in a fight with a Horror Heavy.  Speaking of unique things, I have to discuss Jason's most improbable kill: the Lake Scene.  He kills the guy on the shore while the woman- who's naked- and vanishes.  Less than a minute later, he pops out of the water next to her!  You want to explain his quiet, high-speed run, dive into the water without dispersing the water and quiet wading up next to her?  No.  Of course you don't.  Ultimately, this is a two-note movie and only one of them is unique.  You know what to do with this one, Jason...

Next up, I celebrate Valentine's Day with an Art Film.  See- I don't make Bob watch *all* of them here.  Stay tuned...

Bark at the Moon: Dark Wolf

Life is just full of coincidences.  Today's film is Dark Wolf, a Horror film that I tracked down after seeing a sample of their crappy CG effects.  The last film I did that for- The Eden Formula.  As it turns out, the film have a link: John Carl Buechler.  For the record, J.C.B. does some good make-up work- he just seems to fail at everything else.  In this film, he only does the make-up work, so he doesn't get much blame here.  Even so, the coincidence is interesting.  So what is Dark Wolf about?  If you really have to guess, then I feel sorry.  It's a Werewolf film, duh!  It's full of weird plot points, silly CG and one of the least competent heroes ever.  To find out more about this cult film, read on...

A Biker (Kane Hodder) is on the run from the Police and flees into a Strip Club.  Pointless Nudity less than 20 seconds into a film- bonus!

As it turns out, he's a super-Werewolf called a Dark Wolf.  He kills the partner- character actor Steven Williams- and runs off into the night.  This leads to the arrival of Exposition Character in the form of...

Tippi Hedren?  Seriously- I didn't plan this!  Stop showing up in these movies, please!

As it turns out, she's an ancient Werewolf- of course- who is guarding our heroine, the lady/wolf destined to possibly mate with the Dark Wolf (who's a Hybrid Prince) and doom humanity.  Sex kills, kids!

She begins to figure out that's something weird.  Either she's got a serious hangover or she's a Werewolf.

Oh and these Werewolves can change at will during the Full Moon and change back.  So much for strobe lights or holding the neck skin of a killer!

The Werewolf goes on a killing spree, which gives us brief moments to see J.C.B.'s neat suit/make-up work.

My favorite: him killing the new partner in her Hospital Room while simply hiding in the corner.  Werewolf Kane Hodder is undetectable from two feet away in slight darkness?  Bull and shit, movie.

In a weird plot point, Hedren's Deus Ex Machina Book of Werewolf Secrets ends up in the hands of the heroine's best friend/model.  Her boyfriend sees it and is inspired to...make a Werewolf fashion shoot on his roof.  I shit you not!!!

So why is Dark Wolf infamous?  Well, late in the movie, they start doing on-screen transformations.  It leads to crap like this...

...and this.  I love how they write around their lead not being wiling to do nudity by just making her naked as a CG model.

Sparing you a lot of talking and cop deaths, they finally shoot the creature in the eye, since that's all that will kill it.  It dies, boyfriend makes a bad joke and everyone leaves.  Oh and sequel-bait.  The End.

It's bad enough to make you howl!  In all honesty, Dark Wolf is a fun, but confusing movie.  The lore is strange and ridiculous.  There are Werewolves and there are Hybrid Werewolves- the children of men and Werewolves.  That sounds painful and gross.  They explain this to the new Partner, who is literally wounded to near-death not two scenes later.  She's not dead, however, as they have to kill her somewhere else in a later scene.  What was the point of that?  Was it to not upstage Tippi's scene or to set up some silly Plot Point involving the Dark Wolf tracking those who smell like the lady?  Either way, it feels really, really silly.  Speaking of silly, those CG effects are embarrassing by Asylum standards.  They look like the ones you'd see in the late '90s when Studios realized that they could do on-camera effects via CG.  This film came out in 2003.  It's not like big-budget films around this time didn't use bad CG too- e.c. Van Helsing- but this is still worse.  If this film were more focused and didn't get distracted by sub-plots involving *sigh* Werewolf-themed photo shoots, it would be easier to recommend as a 'so bad it's good movie.'  As it is, you have to be a bit more patient, but I think it's worth it for the silly CG action and plot.

Up next, an obscure slasher film with a polished-up release on DVD.  Will the star of Mutant be a better Sheriff here?

Project Asylum: 3 Musketeers

All for one and...I've run that joke into the ground.  Today's film is 3 Musketeers, a film that I actually saw a while back.  It's been hard to not talk about this crap for so long, but the wait is finally over!  This is a modern-day retelling of the story meant to coincide with the Disney version made last year.  How'd that film do?  Well, it wasn't a bomb, but it didn't exactly bring it boatloads of cash.  When you hire the guy behind the Resident Evil films to make a Three Musketeers film shot in Germany, that's what you get.  Like most of the Asylum's films built around movies that failed/under-performed, this one kind of fell under the radar.  It probably didn't help that it was one of the few Asylum films without robots and/or a haunted house too.  What were they thinking?  All kidding aside, this is one of those films like Princess of Mars and 7 Adventures of Sinbad that are just enjoyably-bad.  It's lower in actual caliber than Ballistica (which they may not have actually Produced) though.  It's hard to avoid the comparisons between the two films, by the way, since they share many of the same sets.  The only thing more common in Asylum films than a T-Rex are re-used Sets/Locations.  This film also shares an eerie resemblance to an unrelated film which may become clear to you as the review goes on.  To find out all of the reasons to/not to see this film, read on...

Our heroes are part of an elite government group called The Musketeers.  I'll give you a moment to stop rolling your eyes.

They run around on the abandoned Power Plant set used in both Ballistica and Princess of Mars while on a mission to disable some Chinese rockets.  However...

Their boss- The Cardinal- is not to be trusted.  This does raise a question...

If your group is named The Musketeers, why the hell would you trust 'The Cardinal?'  If you based the name choice on history, this makes ZERO SENSE!

At the end of their mission, he betrays them, making them vanish.  A Covert Ops team betrayed by their handler and forced to work with an outsider to stop him.  Hmm...

Their D'Artagnan arrives in the form of....*sigh* Alexandra D'Artagan.  Excuse me for a minute...

*Bangs his head against the wall several times*

Where was I?  Our heroine- let's call her Alex- meets up with the team after being attacked and betrayed by some people working for The Cardinal.  In a nod I will give them, she fights them all when she first meets them, but does join forces with them after that.

To get information about The Cardinal's plan, they have to break into his building to unlock a Hard Drive of his.

Okay, you're just blatantly stealing from The Losers now!  I know that it was a cult hit, but this is still lazy as hell.

Speaking of stealing, they blatantly steal the 'Electric Torture' Scene from Lethal Weapon, featuring...Kane Hodder.  That's random.

Oh and try not to stare at the size and girth of Kane Hodder's neck- you'll have nightmares!

In the finale, our heroes must stop an assassination attempt on the President, which will somehow lead to World War III (funding The Cardinal for a lifetime).  This leads to a quartet of action scenes that...are a mixed bag.

Hacker fight- good.  Lady fight- good.  D'Artagnan fight with a random sword bucket- silly.  'Hippie Dad' from Dharma & Greg vs. the film's most competent fighter- shit.

They win. The End.

This is the best kind of Asylum crap!  This movie is bad.  That said, it's constantly funny because of it.  Everything about the movie is either cheap, amateurish, silly...or all three at once.  Crappy CG effects that could be done for real (see the rope-line and sign-swinging bit).  Goofy fight scenes, when you consider that one guy is actually quite good at it.  Stealing plot points from The Losers and Lethal Weapon when you're already doing an Adaptation of a famous story.  Seriously, The Three Musketeers of the West was more faithful to this story!  This thing is a goofy, goofy mess and it's all the better for it.  This movie is many things, but it is not boring.  Even the eye-rolling crap like the inexplicable sword bucket (who put that there?!?) and Alexandra D'Artagnan is hilarious.  It may make you pound your head against the wall, but you'll laugh about it after the fact.  I'd rather watch this four times in a row than watch Monster, Death Racers or The 9/11 Commission Report again.  You've made me enjoy an Asylum film- even if it is for entirely the wrong reasons.  Congrats?

Next up, an Asylum film that got changed due to a lawsuit.  Sadly, I'm not reviewing Age of the Hobbits (now Clash of the Empires).  Stay tuned...

Decology: Jason X

When in doubt, go to space!  After 9 films with Jason Voorhees (or his mother), the studio was just plain out of ideas.  'Screw it,' they said, 'Just shoot him into outer space!'  Thus the final, pre-remake Friday the 13th film was made (not counting tomorrow's film, obviously), was made.  The film takes some liberties with the franchise and, depending on who you ask, establishes the end of the character's timeline.  That gets screwed with a bit by Freddy vs. Jason and the 'Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash' comics, but whatever.  This film takes the character onto a spaceship, where more people are waiting to be led to the slaughter.  The film has a cult following among a lot of people, while a bigger majority just kind of ignores it.  Where do I stand?  To find out, read on...

Sometime in the near future, a government group prepares to freeze-dry Jason Voorhees since he can't die.  Hi, David Cronenberg!

By the way, how was he un-melted from Part 8 and un-in Hell from Part 9?!?

 Having escaped from his restraints...somehow, he kills everyone save for a lady scientist.  She manages to get him into Deep Freeze, but he stabs her...through the metal door and they are both frozen.

Hundreds of years later, Earth is unlivable and salvage crews take stuff from there- including Voorhees and the lady.  Hey, that ship front looks like Jason's mask- subtle!

Now on the ship, the woman is revived, as is Jason.  Will he break out and kill people?  Gee- I wonder.

Hey look- he does just that.  I would never have guessed.

Among the victims are two of the crew members, who get interrupted during their V.R. session.  I hope you like, indiscriminate death and murder.

Finally, someone- without psychic powers- stands up to Jason.  This time, it's the robot chick, packing some serious heat!

The invincible, relentless killer needs an upgrade, so he conveniently falls into a machine that mixes humans with robots, creating Jason 4.0!

As our desperate heroes try to escape, the killer nearly takes them out.  Thankfully, Heroic Black Guy pulls Jason away, causing him to fall to some planet to kill again...or not.  See you in Jason XI!  The End.

In space, nobody can hear this series tread water.  The plot of this movie takes some unique steps, but never strays too far from the path.  Hell, they still have a stoner character- in the future!  Other than a lot of window dressing- the ship for the lake area, the Security Officer for a Cop- the movie is pretty much the same.  Granted, the climax involving the ship crashing towards a planet is not in the other films.  The Producers did make sure to give the film a more humorous tone, which certainly either works or it doesn't.  On one hand, the dark humor has its moments.  On the other hand, it is puns based around people being killed violently!  Unlike the darker, more serious tone, this film plays it light, assuming that anyone that would see Jason X is probably not interested in a serious movie.  They may actually be right there.  Either way, this film is certainly interesting.  Suck on that, Friday the 13th, Part 5!  Take us away, random trip to Hell...

Up next, the crossover film that everyone was waiting for.  It can't be worse than Alien vs. Predator, can it?  Stay tuned...