SPOILER Theatre: Alternate Endings That Sequels Contradicted

 Before I stop talking about the Grave Encounters Series (until they make a new one), I need to discuss the Alternate Ending.

I might as well cover 2 more to bring back SPOILER Theatre!

*Don't read this unless, well, you don't care about Decade plus old SPOILERS*

In Grave Encounters 2, the new crew discovers that the lone survivor has been trapped there for the 9 years since the last Film occurred.

Well, not in the Alternate Ending that was randomly uploaded to YouTube by the Creators a few years ago...

In it, the Groundskeeper finds him the next morning in a catatonic state.

A Detective- Garry Chalk- says that the case is open, but not being investigated.

...and the guy is all but comatose years later in a Psych Ward.
He only freaks out when he realizes that he's being filmed.

In Blade 2, the Film is all about him facing mutant Vampires and trying to save his thought-to-be-dead Mentor.

In an Alternate Ending...

Freaking Morbius shows up!

That's different!
We wouldn't get him until Sony's totally successful Spider-Man-less spin-off Series.

Finally, in The Descent: Part 2, the lone survivor is all but forced to go back into the Caves to clear her name and possibly rescue any survivors.

In the Alternate Ending (cut for American Audiences)...

Her escape from the Cave was just imagined!

She's still stuck down there.

Bummer.

If you know more that would qualify, why not leave a comment?
I won't bite.

SPOILER Reviews: The Frozen (2012)

A Film with a big twist can really live or die by it.  This one is definitely the latter and, to get the joke out of the way, I won't let it go...

A woman discovers that she is pregnant right before a weekend away with her boyfriend.  Awkward.

Said weekend trip is to go hiking and camping...in Winter...alone...for the first time.

So yeah, that doesn't go well.

They end up crashing their snowmobile (somehow), which now strands them.

What's the deal with the weird guy who will watch, but not address them?

Things only get worse when the boyfriend goes missing and...there's another hour or this.

So yeah, enjoy her wandering around, being scared and waking up from dream sequences.  It all leads to the mother of all cliché twists...

Are you ready?
Last chance...

So they were dead the whole time.  They died in the crash (somehow).
He accepted it, apparently, and vanished, while she wandered around until meeting the Hunter.
Yeah, he's Death/The Grim Reaper.

Ugh.  The End.

That was long, slow and pointless.  Seriously, more than 2/3 of the Film didn't really matter.  What was even the point of this?  This kind of twist ending is arguably the most cliché, no?  The 'they were all dead' one is on par with 'this was all a dream/simulation/fantasy.'  It's a slight tweak of that, at best.  More importantly, it has been done by many, many other Films by this point.  Carnival of Souls is over 50 years old!  If that Movie was a person, it would be working its last job and planning to move down to Florida to be with the grandkids!  Yes, that Nicole Kidman Film also did that...over a Decade before this Film!  There's obviously a more recent Film that tried a version of this twist, but I'll cover that later.  So can I get past the ending?  No.  In spite of that, I'll say that the Film has a clear idea- showcase its Female Lead.  I like the idea, but...yeah, she can't carry this little of a Plot.  No offense to her, but I tuned out long before the finale.  Screen Legends can barely get away with this, so its not like it is an easy task.  The Film is marketed like it is going to be a Wolf Creek-style Film.  It isn't.  It could also be seen as a Survival Film.  Yeah, not really that either.  It's a bad Acting Exercise gone awry.  The Frozen is just not interesting and offers nothing new.  For another comparison, it's also a less interesting version of Soultaker.  Say what you will about that Film, but at least it won an Award.  Yes, this picture is real.

A good idea for a Movie turns into a bad one.  Why make such a cliché story after all of these years and add NOTHING to it?

SPOILER Reviews: Monsters in the Woods

Normally, I don't do these for newer Films.  However, if the Film is so dumb that I can't explain why without SPOILERS, I will.  Be warned...about this Film you've probably never heard of...

A woman with fake boobs is chased and killed in the Woods by a turkey-faced creature that killed her boyfriend.  Is this another Syfy Channel Opening?

Nope, it's the 'It Was a Movie The Whole Time' one.  That means that this Film used multiple Camera Angles, fake blood, 2 Locations AND a fake neck wound...in real time.

The only thing worse- the Exposure on this Film!

After thirty minutes of people bickering (disguised as a fake BTS Shoot), the Director dies...from a rock lightly hiding his head?!?

Damn his lack of a skull and hemophilia!!!

They continue on until some Monsters show up.  They attack people away from the 'Set,' but eventually make it to the main group.  They avoid the Producer, setting up why I need SPOILERS...

This lady shows up and wants him dead.  Why?  He made a deal with the Devil and unleashed the 'Hell Hounds' that are showing up.

It gets weirder and dumber...

The Woman is an Angel and she can only be killed by the creatures, not 'mortal men.'  She needs the help of the survivors to close...

...this portal.  It looks like...well, you know what it looks like.

They kill some creatures and get to near the Portal when...the Angel is instantly-killed.  Naturally.

After being betrayed by his girl, our Lead wins because...the Hounds kill the bad guy...for some reason.

All is well...except the survivors are killed by more Hounds.  Yea for confusing downer Endings!

What was this Film trying to be?!?  The Reviews on IMDB are all over the place.  Some people claim that this is some clever send-up of B-Movies and/or an Homage to stupid Monster Movies.  Did you watch the same Film that I did?!?  This one is 1/3 Mockumentary, 2/3 dumb Horror Film.  It doesn't seem to be a Parody or knowing Homage.  The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra was one.  Ice Pirates was one.  This is not one!  The Film itself is just kind of slow for long parts at the beginning and then randomly speeds past other parts.  They introduce some guy with a past connected to the Angel and kill him off within 10 minutes- yea?  They joke about 'killing the black guy first in a Horror Film' and then seem to do it.  He's alive, but they really make you wait to find out.  They also leave him to die like 3 different times and it loses all drama.  It's kind of like how they really lean on Special Effects that just aren't that good.  They put 'wounds' on the one woman's face, for instance, and they look like you just smashed a Cherry Cobbler on her cheek.  She has it for over 20 minutes of screen time!  The Hounds are decent enough creatures, but they are never shot well enough for you to see them all that much.  The Film lives or dies by its silly Plot Twists and revelations.  I found them ridiculous- you might like them.  Monsters in the Woods is not a good Film.  If you want the best proof of this, enjoy this one shot showing that they did have a good Camera...that they just didn't use ever again.

A

SPOILER Theatre: Vampire Film Repetition

I'm back to SPOIL more films you haven't bothered to see yet.  Be warned!

In Count Yorga, Vampire (confusing comma!), our hero seeks to stop the titular monster.  He does and escapes with her.

However, she was already turned and kills him!

In The Return of Count Yorga, new heroes are out in a similar scenario.  The AIP way!

Anyhow, Yorga is killed and our heroes escape...only for the guy to reveal that he was turned and kill her!

Finally, we have The Fearless Vampire Killers.  A young and old pair seek to...well, guess.

The pair escape with Sharon Tate (aw!)... but she was turned and bites them!

So wow, those feel familiar, huh?

Just to note, Fearless came first (in 1967) and is the most awesome.  See them all, but that one first!

SPOILER Theatre Spotlight: Leonard Nimoy

Taking a break from full SPOILER activity, let me switch things up by just doing it with one Actor...

Nimoy has had a long, storied Career in Film and TV.  He got oddly and intermittently typecast though.

1) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1973): If you don't know that Ending yet, you must be Amish.  Nimoy is notably playing a friend to our Lead...but was actually already a Pod Person!

What a jerk!

2) Land of the Lost (2009): Ferrell and company see a message to stop The Zarn (Nimoy) from getting a MacGuffin Crystal and know to give it to a good one.

As it turns out though, Nimoy was the good one!  What a...jerk?

3) Transformers- Dark of the Moon: Optimus and company find a lost Autobot on the Moon- naturally.  Said Autobot (Nimoy) helps them make new tech to help the Earth and restore Cybertron.
Or does he?

As it turns out, Nimoy's Autobot is a turncoat and tries to help Megatron conquer us.  What a jerk!

The only connection between the films are Nimoy, so...weird, right?

'Holiday' SPOILER Theatre: Friday the 13th x 2 (Plus a Famous Guest)

It is the sort-of Holiday that comes every few months thanks to random chance- Friday the 13th.  Let's celebrate with the return of a segment I haven't done since October.

There is a fitting amount of irony to that, actually.

1) In Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan, the film ends with the titular villain getting, well, melted in toxic waste.  It is pretty definitive.

In spite of that, he just kind of shows up in the next film.  Speaking of which...

2) In Friday the 13th: Jason Goes To Hell, Jason is killed in the beginning, turns into a worm and revives himself...just to die again.

To further cement his death, his mask is dragged down to Hell.  So, naturally, we get him going to space in the next one.

To complete the set, there's Halloween H2O.

3) Michael (aka The Shape) is shot, stabbed and eventually crushed against a tree by a Van.  Still alive?  Well, let's just decapitate him while we're at it!

Naturally, they find a bullshit way to make him survive (which I won't justify with an explanation) for one last film!

So, the moral is this: Don't Trust that Horror Villains are Dead, As Long As Money is Left To Be Made.

Happy (or Scary) 13th, Internet!

Spoiler Theatre: A Nightmare on Elm Street, Ringu 0 and Another Film

Well, nobody has yelled at me or picketed the website, so the segment goes on.

First up, the seminal classic A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Freddy Kreuger is a burned-up, sex fiend that targets the children of those who did said 'burning up' to him.  He attacks the kids in their dreams, but seems to be beaten.

Our heroine says good-bye to her mother and prepares to leave for School when...

BAM!  Freddy attacks!  She's still in a dream and about to die.  Rough stuff.

Next up, Ringu 0.  It's a Prequel to the famous film series about the killer video tape.  With another film already out- Sadako, future review- it's interesting to look at this one.  It's all about how the girl on the tape becomes so damn evil.

In the End, she gets attacked by everyone, including her father.  As she lies in the well, she suddenly wakes up and all seems to be well.  However...

She wakes up back in the well.  She's doomed to die.  Ow.

Let's end with the third selection: The Descent.  We're going with the *actual* ending, as opposed to the hacked-up 'happy' Ending given to us Yanks.

A bunch of ladies go down in a Cave and then get stuck.  It's only when they're trapped that they realize that monsters are also down in the Cave.  The girls get picked off and one of them manages to dig her way out.  That's how the *new* version ends.  However...

She hasn't really escaped!  She's still down in the Cave and has gone insane (at least until the terrible sequel)!  Damn!

So that's the end of this Act of Spoiler Theatre.  Do you have any comments/complaints?  If you have either (or an idea for a further entry), leave a comment.

SPOILER Theatre: Manos: The Hands of Fate, Satan's Blood and *A Recent Film*

Don't read if you want to avoid SPOILERS.  Seems obvious, right?

I've meant to do this segment in the past, but feel like October is right.  I'll be focusing more on Horror (if not all on it) this Month.  Basically, I'm going to highlight when a unique Twist Ending has been repeated.  Let's start with Manos: The Hands of Fate...

For reasons unknown, this guy and his family end up at Valley Lodge.  They have to fend off the Watchman, some Dogs and a mysterious Priest guy.  In the End, they all end up in the place's thrall and our lead (also the Writer and Director) becomes the new Watchman/Keeper...

That's kind of dark, right?  The man enslaved and his family now servants of Manos.

However, it's not the last time that we'd see this ending...

In the 1970s, we would get Satan's Blood, a charming little tale about a young couple, some strangers and a Satanic orgy.  The pair end up with a couple who claim to know them and slowly get taken over.

They return home, but get killed.  However, they show up some time later pulling the same trick that the previous couple were doing.  Dun dun dun...

However, this was ALSO not the last time we'd see this Ending.  We'd get it much later though...

In Midnight Meat Train, a Photographer (Bradley Cooper) tracks a mysterious man tied to some disappearances.  It turns out that he kills people and feeds them to some sort of entities far down the Subway line.

Things go badly, but he manages to kill the man (but at the expense of his tongue).  However, this leads to him...taking the man's spot.  You can debate over the reasons why.

Dun dun dun!

So that's the first entry in SPOILER Theatre.

Were there some other iterations of this Ending that I missed?  Do you have your own suggestions for future entries?  Angry about me SPOILING three movies at one time?  If so, leave a Comment.