Thursday, August 30, 2018

Quick Reviews: A Talking Cat!?!

Another Rifftrax Review- only this one was one that I was never going to do otherwise.  To see what I survived, read on...
This is Duffy.  He's a talking Cat that sounds like Eric Roberts.

He's magic and can talk to people, but only once.  He's also NOT the Cat on that Poster above...
This is a rich guy (played by the grown-up kid from Sigmund and the Sea Monsters).  He's...I mean...well...next picture!
This is his Son.  The Actor has no IMDB Page, but he's got to be more than 35 years younger!

He needs confidence, which only a talking/slurring Cat can give- obviously.
Can he get the girl?  Can his Dad find love?

On the plus side, this is a David DeCoteau Film and he's only shirtless that one time.  Progress?
The Cat goes around giving advice...in between the Film's overuse of Stock Establishing Shots, an obsession with Cheese Puffs and the fact that they are obviously tricking this cat with a laser.
Can the Cat survive a(n off-screen) car accident?  Will the families work together?

Will someone please take Eric Roberts *back* to Rehab based on his line reading?  To find out, watch the Film (but only with Rifftrax).
I wish I was on whatever Eric Roberts was on!  Seriously, this is a true bit of Trivia as stated by David DeCoteau- Roberts' part was recorded in 15 minutes in his living room!  I honestly believe that.  I guess kudos for doing the work that fast- it's less time than writing this Review has taken.  I also wasn't clearly on a metric ton of pot while doing this either.  Putting aside is weird, slurring delivery, the Film is still terrible for many reasons.  The Film has two locations- David DeCoteau's House (as seen in every Film of his after 2010) and a smaller House.  Both were furnished with random stuff brought by the Cast (to save money).  Why mention how many locations it has?  Well, the Film uses- wait for it- 59 ESTABLISHING SHOTS.  Yes, someone counted (not me)!  It's just...holy Xenu- that's too many!  The Acting is tolerable, but that's about all I can say for it.  The Plot is a loose mess of nonsense, pointless bits and Cheese Puffs.  These things- the homemade kind- are introduced as a Plot Point around an hour in.  If you play the 'Cheese Puffs' Drinking Game, your kidney will shut down before the end of the Film!  If you watch this for accidental hilarity, it is there...but you have to endure a lot.  Rifftrax- again- makes it tolerable and honestly really damn funny.  For example, the Film uses FOUR DIFFERENT SHOTS of a Car driving on a road IN A ROW!  The gang make a great running gag out of it that makes the whole thing actually enjoyable.  If you're a brave (and stupid) man, you can watch stuff like this and Roller Gator on your own.  I wouldn't (again) though.  I guess I'll see if A Talking Pony!?! is any better someday.  Before nobody asks, even THIS Film has alternate Cover Art that is a complete lie (and a new Title)...
Bad, bad so-bad!  It- like Roller Gator or Manos is a delight to watch with Rifftrax though.

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

'80s Trash?: Krull (1983)

It may seem like double-dipping here after Rifftrax Live, but...I did see the Movie.  It is a Cult Classic.  I do love attention.  With that in mind, here's Krull.  You know, that Film with the Glaive.  That is apparently almost *all* people remember about this Film.  I didn't remember a lot more myself before I saw it, to be fair.  The Film's Plot- involving evil aliens, a Cyclops, fire horses and true love- is not remembered much, but that damn Glaive made an appearance in Ready Player One!  Should I talk about the Film about this point?  Alright- if you insist.  The Film is notable for its weird Story, strange visuals and a great James Horner score.  Like many Films from this time, though, it needs a great Score- it moves really slowly!  The Lord of the Rings Film saw this one's sweeping vista shots and said "Okay- we get it!"  To find out more about this Film that you maybe sort-of remember, read on...
On the Planet of Krull (north of Eternia), some Aliens from a giant Rock show up...eventually.

Yeah, they start drawing things out from the very first frame.
When his Wedding goes badly and nearly everyone is dead, he has to recruit some help.  He takes what feels like 20 minutes of screen time to find the Glaive, but he can't use that until the 3rd Act.

In the meantime, here's a bunch of escaped Prisoners (and Hagrid).
...and yes, Liam Neeson.

On the plus side, they don't dub him here like they did Robbie Coltrane.
They have to rescue the Princess, so they need this Crystal...and it's broken.

At least the Seer can...and he's dead.
Can they find the rock- which teleports every day - and save the Princess?
Oh right- the Glaive!  It will save the day!  All glory to the Glaive!!!
All fear the mighty Glaive!  It shall defeat the evil whatever-the-hell-this-is-supposed-to-be!
...and it gets stuck in a rock.  I guess the power of the love between the couple- demonstrated briefly 90 minutes ago- will save the day instead.

What a weird call.  The End.
What a strange disappointment.  Krull has so much going for it on the surface.  It has Aliens.  It has Monsters.  It has a Cyclops.  It has Liam Neeson.  It has Fire Horses/Mares!  It has a Wizard.  It has a giant, out-of-focus Monster.  It has the Glaive.  Yeah, I'm still leaning hard on that one- since the Film did, after all.  In any event, it has all of that...and is still kind of boring.  When it tries to be interesting or when Action happens, it can be fun.  It has some good effects...and some bad ones.  The James Horner Soundtrack is great, feeling epic and grand.  It has to be, unfortunately, since so much of the Film is just long, unbroken shots of fields and cliffs.  I get it- nature exists!  It doesn't exploit establishing shots as much as the next Film I'm going to Review, but it is excessive.  With some restraint and some serious Plot tweaks, this could have been amazing.  It is one of those rare Films where I'm all 'Yeah, Remake it.  See what you can do.'  What's the harm?  The Film should be great.  It's not great.  We'll always have the Glaive though.  Well, that and this kick-ass Poster (that doesn't prepare you for anything)...
Next time, I cover a weird bit of Social Commentary from Australia.  Flat Earthers think that the Continent is fake, so let's see how they made a Film.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Blood of Dracula

There are ALOT of Vampire Films- especially about Dracula.

How do you make yourself stand out?  With a kick-ass Poster, of course...
Blood red beauty!

It promises you action, blood and a freaky babe- what else do you need?

Here's the original version I found online...
I don't know how much of the discoloration is just age, but just think of it this way- I made it immortal!

Monday, August 27, 2018

My Crazy Youth: The Time That 'Weird Science' Entered a Slasher Film

I guess I have to slightly-adjust my praise for The Final Girls.  While I still like it and find it fun, it's less original that I thought.

Surprisingly, nobody popped up to mention this Episode to me at the time.  Thanks a lot for not correcting me...I think.

Here's the first of at least 2 Episodes that I'll feature in the near future...
A quick summary for those who don't know the Film and/or Show...or just forgot...

Two guys made a Genie with their Computer.  She grants them wishes, usually leading to wacky scenarios in which they learn a lesson or two.

It's weird, so of course I kind of like it.

And now, the Plot...

The gang is watching a Film called Bikini Camp Slasher 3 (somehow not a real Title) and Gary brags about how he could easily survive a Horror Film.
Naturally, their Genie Lisa takes him literally and transports them into the Film.  Stay strong, Gary.
Gary and Wyatt want a shot at the Twins in the Film (who always wear bikinis), so Lisa tricks the guys from the Film into going out with her.  Shockingly, she's smarter than Jocks in a Slasher Film.
Back in the real World, Wyatt's Brother has brought a girl home for sex.  How could he make this worse?
Back in the Movie, they manage to keep the twins for baiting the killer and finally kill him.  Right?
Wyatt's Brother inadvertently hits Record, leading to the tape being overwritten.  If it touches them, they get erased!
Thankfully, they manage to take out the killer- since they always come back- and make it to the Credits.  The End.
A weird, but fun time.  They don't waste any time- putting them right into the Movie.  They cover all of the stuff that you hope they will.  It's at a Camp.  The men are mostly idiot Jocks.  There are two 'slutty' blondes that are scantily-clad.  The killer has a gimmick and a trademark weapon.  On top of that, they manage to work in lots of great references.  When they 'killer-proof' the Cabin, they explain that they covered all of the entrances.  They blocked the window- Halloween-, they blocked the cellar door- Evil Dead 2-, but they forgot to block the chimney.  That's what you get for forgetting Silent Night, Deadly Night!  They have fun with the concept here and I liked it.  The whole thing is made in good fun too, so don't get mad, Internet.  Was this a good Show?  I mean, kind of...but not really.  It's silly and kind of stupid.  On the plus side, it made use of its almost-limitless Premise here.  I'll have to keep re-watching the Show to see if I'm just being too nice.  No matter what it may bring, it still brought us these two...
A fun Episode that makes fun of something that I like (and admit are stupid).  Do I miss this Show?

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Lost in Translation: Man's Best Friend

I love these Posters from Ghana.

It gave us Kofi Kingston and lots of terrible hand-made Posters.  The fact that these are still around to share- also amazing.

Take this one for the Sci-Fi Film with a super-dog and Lance Henriksen...
All.
Of.
This.

The fact that the Dog is the wrong color, the fact that the cat is in its mouth, the fact that it appears to have laser eyes...

Also who the hell thought that looked like Lance Henriksen?!?  Did they hire that lady who messed up the famous Italian Painting to make this?

Here's the original in all of its *ahem* glory...
Besides the fact that this was made on cheap, cheap material, the original is still rough.  Thank you, Photoshop!

Friday, August 24, 2018

Forgotten TV: The Six Million Dollar Man vs. Bigfoot- Round 2

It's a bit of a niche thing to remember the first time that Bigfoot and the Six Million Dollar Man crossed paths.  It is even *more* of a niche thing then to remember the second time it happened.

This time, it was a TV Event, as it encompassed the Premiere Episodes of both his Show and The Bionic Woman!

What will this battle of three super-strong people be like?  To find out, read on...
A mysterious person breaks into a Gold Repository and steals it, leaving behind big tracks.

What a mystery...if this wasn't called 'The Return of Bigfoot!'
Our Hero can't remember how he knows the giant tracks, on account of the aliens behind that Episode erasing his memory.  Just stick with me now!

His memories are restored by one of the aliens, who is played by Sandy Duncan- the Actress most famous for her glass eye.  She's closer to being a cyborg than he is!
She explains that there was a schism in the group and an evil one- John Saxon!- is controlling Bigfoot for his own gain.

Also Bigfoot is now Lurch, since Andre the Giant was busy or something.
The pair finally do battle!  It's all sorts of fun with slow-motion and falling things!
Steve is hurt, exposed to radiation during the fight.  He tells Jaime to go find the aliens, leading into her part of this crossover.

This would also be their last crossover, as the Shows were on different Networks after this.
She eludes Bigfoot and meets the good aliens.  The potion to cure Steve gets to him, but...
Jaime is captured by Saxon.  Will she prove able to make Bigfoot fall for her and let her go?
Yes.  Steve is better and the pair fight out of the lab to meet up with the former.

One problem- super-erupting volcano!
So, brace yourselves for this one: the aliens have TLC Devices that allow them to affect time (the T) around their bodies.  This leads to the only logical solution...

Throwing a TLC device into the lava to speed up its time and make it cooled.  Science!

The day is saved and the aliens let them keep their memories.  Yea?  The End.
The '70s were weird.  It was one thing for them to do a 2-Part Bigfoot Episode once.  It was a timely thing and Sci-Fi was big around this time.  It is weird to connect Bigfoot to Aliens though.  Mind you, I've seen it TWICE now, but it still not the norm.  Seeing them double-dip here shows this for what it truly is though- a silly Ratings Stunt.  Both Shows had a slight drop in Viewership and wanted something big to perk them back up.  The Shows went on, so, I guess, good work.  As far as the actual Story goes, it is chock full of crazy.  Aliens are hiding on Earth.  Bigfoot is a creature that they control.  They can manipulate time!  They also fill the whole thing full of melodrama, be it Steve's wondering about his missing memories, a forbidden romance tale or Bigfoot's angst over working for the bad guy.  Saxon is great here, but he's always great- no surprise.  The big draw is the Bigfoot- pun intended- and he still delivers, even if he isn't Andre anymore.  They try to give him depth, even though he has no name and no lines.  It's a nice attempt, at least.  The original battle between man and skunk-ape is legendary in internet lore.  The follow-up is far less famous, but maybe it should be.  Unfortunately, as mentioned, this was a Ratings Stunt and both Shows only got one more Season.  Sorry to break it to you two...
A bit of silly fun as they mix Bigfoot, aliens and cyborgs together.  It's super-silly though!

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Immediate Response: Rifftrax Live!- Krull

Another Live Show- great!  I did help pay for it, after all...
The Good
* The Film is rife for riffing, with long (kind of boring) shots and silly visuals.
* I've actually never seen the whole Film, so it was almost all new to me.
* I always love '80s Special Effects, no matter how silly they may be.  Same with a James Horner Score.
* Young Liam Neeson.

The Bad
* No Short, but this is a longer Film.
* It's still Krull.  It's still very much in love with its own visual and constantly-dragging Story.

As a side-note, there was some technical stuff going on to make us miss a little bit of the Show.  I don't know if that was just our Feed or not.

Either way, you've got one more chance to see it Live(ish) in a Theater.  Do it!

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

My Crazy Youth: The Time that Superman Fought Nazis...in 1995!

Lois & Clark is an interesting Show.  It was my first Superman Show, followed around the same time by the Animated Version.

As an Adult, I definitely need to re-examine it, as well as the Superboy Show.  Let's start with a totally-sort-of-timely Episode from 1995.
Two years before the start of this Episode, some Nazis wake up from some sort of cryogenic chambers.  They plan to take over, but see Superman...so they bide their time.
In the Present (of 1995), the Nazis have been recruiting and infiltrating society as Celebrities.

Well, that would explain Tucker Carlson.
They tried to kill one of the Founders when he 'got weak,' so they see if the man spilled the beans.

Their solution: send one of them as the Country Star 'investigating' being a Detective for a Film Role.  That's...stupid.
The men make their two-part move: 1) use a bomb to irradiate Superman, forcing him to stay away.
                                                           2) Take over the TV Stations to broadcast their message.
Superman doesn't actually come up with the solution to fix this, nor does STAR Labs.

No, the Deus Ex Machina comes from Lois, who's idea is to use the Sun's gravity to pull the radiation particulates out of his body.

Paging Neil DeGrasse Tyson!
Once he's free to help, the menace is pretty much ended in moments.

These Stories without Kryptonite really do suffer sometimes.
In the aftermath, Perry White gives a nice speech about how people die, but ideas don't.  "We got rid of the Nazis before," he explains, "And yet here they are again."

Make of that what you will.  The End.
It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's...a weird bit of story-telling!  Superman vs Nazis in 1995.  Who would have thunk it?!?  The Story is interesting, as we see the Nazis infiltrate 'our' society much like we would see with Russians in Media.  Was this supposed to be a Russian Episode at one point?  Dunno.  In any event, they do lean into the Politics of it a little, but not that much.  The Nazis are bad people, but we never see them outright Racists or other such things.  Instead, they just hate America and 'our values.'  Seriously- was this a Russian Spy Episode at one point in the writing process?  The whole Episode has a weird vibe to it, as it takes place during the 'Clark and Lois are planning their Wedding' part of the Series.  You can set the date *after* you stop the Nazis, Clark!  There are still some nice moments in it, mostly from the late Actor who played Perry White.  He's just fun to watch, but also serious when he needs to be here.  The Superman stuff alternates between being over-the-top (standing next to the Sun and not melting) to very subdued (simply tying up two Nazis with their flag).  They do a decent job of keeping him away near the end to build suspense, which is good.  Once he's back, it's pretty much all over.  All in all, the Episode is fun, has some moments and generally delivers.  It just doesn't go far enough for me in dealing with the whole, you know, Nazi thing.  Speaking of which, it's funny to see a 'strong Conservative' like Cain here decrying Nazis, while he's currently pretty silent on the ones actually running around in 2018.  Any thoughts, TV Version of Dean Cain?
A weird bit of story as they sort of touch upon the ideas, but just barely.  So much more could have been done with this one.