'60s Trash?: House of a Thousand Dolls (1967)

 The more friendly version of a Rob Zombie Film?  I thought I was done with Rob Zombie-esque Titles after The House of Seven Corpses, but here we go.  This is House of a Thousand Dolls, a 1967 Film with Vincent Price.  To give some backstory, I found a random VHS in a Thrift Store.  Sadly, the tape would not allow me to copy it to DVD for easier viewing/screen capping.  Damn you, Hollywood Video!  The Film has since been released in other, non-dead Formats and I found it that way too.  I guess you figured that out on account of the fact that I'm reviewing the Film now, huh?  The Plot involves Tangier, Price and a Brothel.  Vincent Price is just about the last thing I want to think about when I think about Brothels (which everyone does all of the time, right?), but, oh well.  When bad guys are afoot, who else can stop them but a middle-aged Criminal Pathologist?  The Police- nah.  Daredevil- too far away.  I'm sure this guy has it covered!  To find out if my faith in him is justified, read on...

In our Cold Open, we see a bunch of people- including Price- attending what seems to be a Funeral.

However, it's not.

Instead, a woman pops out screaming and we learn why- she was kidnapped and brought here to Tangier.

Here to Tangier isn't a Band's Name yet, right?

A Couple- George Nader from Robot Monster and Ann Smyrner from Reptilicus- go to Tangier on vacation and run into an old friend with a problem.

You see, he's tracked his missing girlfriend to here.

His search ends...poorly.

He runs afoul of the pair that are running The House of Dolls, the Brothel which kidnapped his girlfriend.

It is run by Price and his lady companion, who proceed to kidnap his Girlfriend.

He's also a Stage Magician, since people had to work multiple jobs even in 1967.

To keep the man from finding out the truth, Price pretends to help him.  He's quite subtle, as you can see.

He continues to work with the Police, who suspect Price since...well, wouldn't you?

Bad guys keep coming for him, leading to a very '60s thing- normal-looking guys in suits having prolonged fist fights.

There are a few here and it feels like something that must have been exciting for audiences.

Price talks about how he plans to get out, since the heat is up too high.

His cohort confronts our Hero and agrees to help rescue his girlfriend, if he helps her and Price get out.

Will he agree?

Yes and no.

Her plan falls apart when everyone swarms the House, good and bad alike.

In a big scuffle, our Hero makes Price fall to his death.  The woman says that he shouldn't have died, since he was the King of Hearts.

Not so fast- the Detective and our Hero then reveal that she was actually in charge.  Oh.  Okay.  The End.

A pretty so-so affair.  For as salacious as the Film sounds, there's not much there.  The basic premise- women are kidnapped and forced to work at a Brothel- is obviously not a light-hearted affair.  The Film just doesn't do much with it.  There's a funny story or two about how they were concerned about interference from people in the Area when they made it.  They supposedly kept a guy on payroll who's job it was to dress like Abraham Lincoln in case people came around looking for a reason to shut them down.  No, really.  Is it just me or does that make the Film look MORE kinky?!?  It's just me, isn't it?  Anyhow, this Film is built up by reports to be like Caligula, wherein they shot really dirty/freaky stuff when the serious Actors were away.  They got a fun surprise when they saw what was shot without them!  In this case, not so much.  Is it just that 50 years have gone by and things have changed that much?  Eh, maybe?  If you get past that, it's a fairly by-the-numbers affair of Macho Guy in Suit fights other Guys in Suits.  The little bit of intrigue is only hinted at and the big reveal is kind of tossed in at the last minute.  Price does his best with this part, but he can only do so much.  If they had somehow switched the Leads out and Price was running around Tangier as a bad-ass Criminal Pathologist, I would be all in!  As it is, House of 1,000 Dolls is a decent, dated affair, but nothing more.  Having mentioned all of the Action, is it worth asking if this Film inspired The Bourne Identity?

Next up, a Film that seems to be inspired by an oft-remade Sci-Fi/Horror Film.  When in doubt, cast one of the Film's Stars in yours.  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash?: Omega Doom (1996)

 Albert Pyun strikes again!  Omega Doom is a 1996 Film that is not all that memorable.  Here's what the Internet tells me- try to follow this.  Cyborg is the first Film in a Trilogy of Films (most famous for featuring Angelina Jolie in Cyborg 2).  Seems simple.  However, the Director made 2 different Films that *also* featured Cyborgs, so we get a second, unofficial Trilogy of Cyborg, 1993's Knights and this Film.  Somehow there's a Cyborg Trilogy without the Cyborg Sequels- logical!  The Plot of this one is basically 'What if Yojimbo was about Cyborgs?'  Initially I was thinking that this was a bit of a retread for Pyun, but then I remembered that I was mixing up The Sword and the Sorcerer (by Pyun) with The Warrior and the Sorceress (not by Pyun).  You can see the confusion, no?  Another key thing to note is that I'm not sure that Pyun ever learned what a Cyborg was.  The Characters here are Androids (Robots designed to look like humans) and not Cyborgs (Humans with robotic parts/limbs).  I guess there might be a fine line if you replace, for instance, everything but the human brain with a robot body...but that's not what happens here.  So basically, the 3rd part of Pyun's Cyborg Trilogy does not even feature Cyborgs!  The big Star here is Rutger Hauer, who clearly had a thing for Sci-Fi.  Would it be worth it today?  Let's find out...

In a dark Future (not to be confused with Greydon Clark's Dark Future), Humans and Robots battle.

Since this Film has a tiny budget, we only get to see 2 of them against a Green Screen.
Hauer's 'Cyborg' is shot in the head, which makes him forget his 'hate all humans' programming.

Some time later, he wanders to a small Village.

Since it is Yojimbo, there are two warring Factions (of supposed Cyborgs).

Since this, again, is cheaply-made, there are only like 6 or 7 Residents in total.

He helps out one 'person' who has been decapitated and who's head is being abused by one of the residents.

He's an Android, so its more of an inconvenience than anything though.

The two sides both try to get him to work with them.  I mean, it's Yojimbo.

Curiously, one of the groups (lead by Shannon Whirry) looks like they came out of The Matrix...which wouldn't come out for 3 years.

Will he work with them?

Will he just destroy them?

You know what happens right?

He defeats the bad guys, helps the good guys and recites some pretentious poetry (a requirement for Hauer, it seems).

Since not much interesting happens, here's Omega Doom from the Transformers Universe.

A pretentious, but pretty dry affair.  If you take away the Cyborg/Android stuff here, not much of interest happens.  A guy wanders into a mostly-empty Town.  He works with both Factions.  He betrays both Factions since they are evil.  He leaves.  That's the basics of the Story.  How you make it interesting is to first make the Hero interesting.  I love Rutger Hauer, but the part is so underwritten that he can only do so much.  His mild sarcasm helps...but not that much.  The next option is to make the bad guys interesting.  Yeah, no so much.  One of them wears random outfits (including a metal mask) and is angry all of the time.  Another group, as noted, are early Matrix fashion adopters.  Neither one does much of note, so that's not going to work.  The third way is to make the location interesting.  It's a mostly-empty, mostly-wrecked Village Set that has probably been used on 20 other Films like this.  To be fair, many Films have made good use of abandoned Sets (google Abandoned Film Sets to see some) to look the part.  Once you see this place once, you've seen it all.  They never go anywhere new- despite teasing a trip somewhere- so that's a no go.  The Film just has so little to offer, unfortunately.  If you like the pretentious kind of Bad Movies, this might work for you.  It would be good Rifftrax fodder, but I don't recommend it on its own.  Now I guess I need to track THIS one down too, huh?

Next time, a once-rare Vincent Price Film.  I found the VHS 'in the wild,' so is it a hidden gem?  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash?: Theodore Rex

 Before I saw the Film with Scarlett Johannsen kicking ass in a catsuit, I might as well see Whoopi Goldberg do the same.  This is Theodore Rex, a 1995 Film that is historically significant.  The first thing to note is how they got Whoopi.  The initial pitch must have been good, but she soon lost all faith in the project.  Of course, she was under contract, so she still had to do it.  All of the best Films- like The Cat in the Hat- are made this way!  The Film cost alot of money- over $30 million.  Most of it likely went to the practical effects, although Whoopi did get $7 million.  Ironically, when she renegotiated the deal under duress, her pay went from 5 to 7 million!  The Film was made for Theaters and screened for some Test Audiences.  It didn't go well.  As such, they figured it was cheaper to release the Film on Video/VHS instead.  Due to its Budget, the Film is the most Expensive Direct-to-Video Film in History!  Was it money well spent?  To find out, read on...

Whoopi is a Cop in the vague future, who, since it is Whoopi, is sarcastic to criminals and acts rough around the edges to everyone.

It's the Cop who doesn't need a Partner Cliché.

Our Title Character is a Dinosaur who talks (and is clearly not as giant as he should be).  He had a dream about a Dinosaur being killed (in the weird, black & white intro).

Why is he here?

Well, the Film EVENTUALLY explains that this Scientist starting bringing back some Species that went extinct.

How he talks and acts like people though- unexplained.

The bad guys are this Scientist (Armin Mueller-Stahl!), his Henchwoman and this City Official.

Since this is a Kid's Film (or Dark City's Theatrical Cut), the opening narration just straight up tells us who the bad guy is and what is plan is.

They put the pair together so that they won't solve the case in time (about 36 hours).

Honestly, there are so many Mismatched Buddy Cop Duos that I can't tell if this was inspired by stuff like 1991's The Hard Way or partial-inspiration for Films like 1998's Rush Hour.

The duo work the case with their unique methods- Rex, for instance, has bad breath and super-smelling power- and get closer to the truth.

Mind you, we already know it, so what's the mystery?

Oh and this weird sock-puppet thing and caterpillar by the Chiodo Brothers randomly show up.

The pair eventually discover the truth after lots of filler- including a kid who befriends Whoopi and a love story involving Rex and a Dinosaur voiced by Carol Kane.

Can they stop the man from unleashing a rocket to destroy humankind and leave only his Ark of Creatures?

Yeah, it's super-easy, barely an inconvenience.

Whoopi is shot (she's a cyborg, so it's all good) and our Dinosaur Hero stops the henchman (Not Aubrey Plaza and Actually Stephen Lang) before making the Scientist hand over the detonator.

His ship is destroyed early and the day is saved.

In the aftermath, Rex says that Whoopi should be his partner.

Ha ha ha- no Sequels.  The End.

A weird, silly little Film.  Does Theodore Rex have a message?  Well, they say that it is that we should all respect each other.  Good message.  The problem- Rex is not exactly a great Character.  He's way too chatty (it's like they paid the Actor by the word!) and kind of annoying.  He's somewhat caring, but otherwise pretty banal.  If he could have ever shut up for like 5 seconds, it would have been great.  It hurts me to say that since he's voiced by George Newbern, who is most famous (to me) for voicing Superman on Justice League.  He's so good on that...but not here.  Speaking of Voice Acting, most of it is fine.  I will say that Carol Kane (obviously) sounds older (since she is) than her Co-Star, so the romance aspect doesn't quite work for me.  Her Character is supposed to be a Lounge Singer Ingenue ala Jessica Rabbit.  Swing and a miss.  The big draw here should be the Dinosaur Effects.  For the most part, they work fine.  It sure feels like they just re-used and slightly-redesigned the ones used by the ABC Show Dinosaurs.  That one ended in late 1994 and this one came out in 1995, so it checks out.  Considering all of the stories about how the Production was a mess, it's amazing that it got done in the first place.  Theodore Rex is kind of on the edge of so-bad-it's-good Cinema.  If you ask me to recommend it, I'll probably make this face...

Next time, another '90s 'gem.'  It's the third part of an unofficial Trilogy, so will I be lost?  Stay tuned...

Immediate Response: Black Widow (2021)

 Considering how delayed the Film has been, me seeing it a bit late only seems fitting...

The Good

* We finally get some direct backstory on Black Widow after lots of Films.

* We get lots of fun characters like Yelena, Red Guardian and Melina.  Will they play a big part in future Films/Shows?

* A Villain that isn't Evil Version of the Hero in a Marvel Film.  Happy now, Critics?!?

* The Film has strong Action that punctuates the Drama.  It's got both and it's shot well.

The Bad

* The lack of Marvel Supporting Players (save from one) is disappointing, although only a little to me.  It's her Story, after all.

* Some of the Twists might turn off some purists, although not as bad as that Mandarin one that still annoys people to this day!

* The fact that we get a Midquel here does taint the Drama a bit.  Did you think that she would die regardless though?

A strong, dramatic Film with character-driven Action and some laughs.  It doesn't go for the big spectacle, but it thrives just fine without it for me.

New Streaming: Loki- Season 1 Finale

 As the end is here, let's look back one last time to see how it all came to a close...

When you go into a strange House at the End of Time, the last face you expect to see is this one.

Why is it there?
What does it want?

Loki and Sylvie find who is running the place and...yeah, I can't say any more, can I?

In lieu of SPOILERS, here's this shot that was done for the Show and not used.

It can't be a SPOILER if it didn't happen, right?

To find out what DID happen, watch the Finale.

A strong, if familiar finale at some points.  The big thing with these Shows is can they stick the landing?  With WandaVision, they gave us a big battle, some closure, some Drama and a future movie tease.  With Falcon and the Winter Soldier (who's finale I apparently forgot to write about- oops!), we got some nice action, character development, a twist or two & set-up for both a Film (Captain America 4) and Show (Armor Wars).   Those Shows accounted for 28 Emmy Nominations this Year, so they must have done something right!  This Finale is a big one for a number of reasons.  As I don't give out SPOILERS, I can't get into most of them.  I will say as an honest critique that I got some real Matrix: Reloaded vibes from this one.  Mind you, I defend that Film more than most, so it might not be the insult that you think.  Aside from the format, we get a big decision, things for the entire MCU being in flux and a tease for what's to come.  As a self-contained thing, we got everything we asked for, save for that damn jet ski!  There's alot of stuff going down now, so let's see if the MCU as a whole can make the most of it.  At least they didn't leave us hanging in regards to the most burning question there is...

Next time, it's...oh right, finale.  I guess see you when What If...? starts.

10 More Crazy Episodes of 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea'

 Thanks to Retro Channel MeTV, I have a wealth of content.

Every week, I record the Episode of this Show that airs at around 2am.
Right now, I'm deep into Season 3, when things went bonkers on a regular basis.

As a reminder, the Show was originally just a Show about a Submarine Crew that battled Spies and tried to avert underwater crises on a weekly basis.

Let's see how much that changed into a Creature of the Week Show with this third dip into the Show...

10. Jonah and the Whale (S2, E1): In this Episode, we can somewhat see the Bridge from Cold War Action Show to Sci-Fi.

The Captain and a Russian Scientist are trapped in a Diving Bell when a giant whale swallows it.  Who hasn't been there?!?

9. The Day the World Ended (S3, E3): In this dramatic Episode, a visiting Senator is shown a device that can pinpoint/track every US Sub.  Seems like a bad idea, but alright.

Things get odd as the subs seem to disappear from the map and nobody answers.  The Admiral, a Corporal and the Senator look around for survivors, but find nobody.

…except this was all an elaborate plan by the Senator to get the device.  All he had to do was use his hypnotic powers to make them think the World was ending and abandon the device.  So simple!

8. Day of Evil (S3, E6): Break out that 2 guys in the same Shot effect- stat!

This odd Episode features a seemingly-all-powerful creature trying to start WWII.
His only weakness: he can't actually push buttons/pull levers.

Time to break out 1,001 Faustian deals to try to win!

7. The Monster's Web (S2, E23): You thought you were safe from bugs at the bottom of the Sea?

In this odd Episode, a Sub is destroyed and its survivor insists that a Spider did it.

It's, you know, the Ocean, so nobody believes him.  It's, you know, this Show, so he was telling the truth.

6. The Mechanical Man (S2, E25): This one is full-on, hard Sci-Fi in the best and worst ways.

A Scientist and his young companion mine a rare mineral that creates power.  Said companion, however, is actually an android and uses it to try to take over the World.

He can do all sorts of things...until he has to be defeated.

5. Day of Evil (S3, E9): It's actually a decent mystery, but it is still weird as hell.

Admiral Crane and Captain Nelson are amnesiac on a Seaview that is all but deserted (just them on Corporal Sharkey).  They hear strange noises.

They want to kill each other!

The actual explanation is all sorts of bonkers, so just watch and find out.

4. The Thing From Inner Space (S3, E8): For nearly having a Found Footage Intro in 1966, they get points!

A Nature Filmmaker who claims to have seen a Sea Monster is naturally brought on board.  It turns out to be true...in more ways than they expected.

On the nearby Island, they find the man-sized one and in the Ocean, they find a giant one.
FYI they never defeat the giant one, so it's still out there!

3. The Terrible Toys (S3, E5): I mean, it's a bunch of toys.

The Crew find the lone survivor (again!) of a vessel and he has...a bag of toys.  Why not?

Said toys are actually alien weapons that allow the creatures to damage the ship and put everyone in danger.

Toys.

2. The Plant Man (S3, E12): My most recent watch, so I might just be biased.

A Scientist 'accidentally' makes a giant Plant Monster.  As it turns out, his evil twin Brother wanted this to happen.

Oh and his Brother also shares a telepathic link with him AND he can essentially control him.  I guess he wants to rule the World or, you know, whatever.

1.  The Deadly Invasion (S3, E10): A case of too many ideas that don't seem to sync up.

First, tiny ships are picked up after crashing into the Ocean near the ship.  Smoke comes out and electricity sparks around the Ship.

Next, the Admiral sees a long-dead friend just appear in his room.  Of course, it's actually an alien.
Later, we see the henchman Aliens and they have weird, rock faces.

So, to be clear, they are tiny, electric aliens who can take human form based on pictures, but also turn into rock-faced goons in turtlenecks.  Follow all that?

I can't help but love this crazy, old Show.  Will I find enough to make yet another list in the future?
Probably!

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Houseboat Horror (Again)

 Houseboat Horror is basically a Slasher Film Demo Reel.

It barely has a Plot.
It has lots of pointless killing.

Arguably, the second most pointless comes with this guy- a Park Ranger.

He sees our Heroes off on their titular Houseboat, but stays behind to watch the Lake.

Our Killer- who, to remind you, is killing people that Film stuff since he was injured on a Film Shoot by this Lake- shows up...

…and kills him.

This also begins his streak of using a weapon once, leaving it in a body and then picking up a new murder weapon.

So, in summary, the Killer breaks his own motivation (or at least stretches the logic of it) to kill this random guy.  Joy.

The moral: if you choose to work in Local Government, get a desk job.

Next up, a famous Actor is a Poor Bastard?  He is when his role is that unimportant overall.  See you then...