Raiding Blockbuster Video (Again)

***Updated 1/04/12***

Breaking News (from about a week ago): There will be no more Blockbuster Video Stores.

Yes, we said that awhile ago, but not all of them died off.  Now they all will.

To memorialize the Store that I used to patronage, I bought some of their stock of movies.  I own 6,000 already, so why not own 6,005 (or so)?

Here's what I bought (now updated to show Christmas gifts I can reveal):

* Big Tits Zombie 3-D (released here as Zombie Stripper Apocalypse)
* Dead Sushi
* Swamp Thing (sadly, it is the 91 minute cut)
* Manborg
* FDR: American Bad-ass
* Death From Above (2012)
* The Other Guys (New on Blu-Ray!)
* The Thing (1982) (Blu-Ray)
* John Dies at the End (One for me and one Gift)
* Love & Other Drugs (Gift)
* The Devil's Double (Gift)
* Bernie (Gift)
* Burn After Reading (One for me and one Gift)
* The Onion Movie
* Ghost Rider (Blu-Ray)
* The A-Team (Blu-Ray)
* Paul (Blu-Ray)
* National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon
* American Splendor
* Ghost Town
* World's Greatest Dad
* Futurama: Bender's Game
* Review Fodder (which I'll reveal later)

That was just three trips, mind you.  If I make another (to the one that will close in about a week), I will Update this post.  I can't wait to watch my new crap!

Raiding *Blockbuster* Video *UPDATED*

It sucks to be a guy who works at a Blockbuster Video store these days.  I feel bad for them- honest- but I also take delight in what it offers me: a chance to buy out their stock of movies super-cheap!

Here's my take so far:

* District 9
* The Expendables
* Piranha (1978)
* American Psycho
* Piranha (2010)
* Sukiyaki Western Django
* Machete
* Stuck (2007)
* Hard-Boiled (forgot about it- sorry)
* Red Cliff Part 1 & 2 (couldn't announce it, since it was a birthday present...which he has now)
----
* Pontypool (You win, Internet!)
* Revenge of the Ninja (Hi, Carl)
* Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
* For Your Consideration
* Ghost Town (2008)

That's a pretty good haul, right?  That's all for about $85 too.

I plan on making at least one more trip to one of the *at least* three stores in my area that are closing down.  Again- I'm sorry for your bad luck...but I'm happy for mine.

Blockbuster Rip-Off Cinema: Plaguers

Alien- everyone loves to rip you off.  The only film that seems to get ripped off nearly as much as you is Aliens!  From Creature to Unknown Origin, the rip-offs just keep on coming!  The scary thing is: this trend never stopped.  While those films mentioned before were made in the either the '80s or '90s, there is at least one from just three years ago!  The 2008 film Plaguers was released Direct-to-DVD and features a plot synopsis that shouldn't disappoint.  Sexy, space pirates disguise themselves as sexy, space nurses to take over a ship, only to have a supernatural evil corrupt the place.  All of the zombies/aliens here are caused by a giant, green Gobstopper!  My God, it's terror will be Everlasting!  The film also features 'Charles Manson' too- bonus!  Will it live up to it's premise in spite of being a rip-off?  Since this is a 2008 film that's widely-availabe, I will warn you of yonder SPOILERS ahead.  Put on your face mask and turtleneck, because we're going to meet some...

We begin the story in media res with a woman running from mutated people.  Why?  You'll see.  The movie proper begins with people bickering in space.  It seems that a woman has taken over as the ship's commander and there is some friction.  Gee, it was silly of me to expect this story to have been told from the beginning, wasn't it?  Anyhow, the crew from Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space is flying along until they hear a distress signal from a floating ship.  This always turns out great- at least, it does if you like Xenomorphs.  They go onto the ship- or rather, two of them do- and wander into a couple jump scares.  Eventually, they find a bevvy of sexy, space nurses.  So you didn't lie to me, title!  They take the women on board, most of them finding one that wants to be friendly.  Unfortunately, their hands-on approach to spaceship travel doesn't last long as one of them stabs the pilot through the throat and the rest knock out the crew.  The only one to resist the female advances is the Science Tech played by Steve Railsback.  You couldn't resist the jungle women from King of the Lost World, but you fall for these gals?  The ladies reveal their evil plan.  You see, they are space pirates who plan to sell the ship and everything on-board.  Unfortunately, one of them has a problem subduing one of the crew members in a later struggle and hits her head on a weird, glowing gem in the Cargo Bay.  This transforms her into...

...A space zombie!  There are no aliens here, just space zombies!  No, they're not Astro-Zombies, nor are they the titular Blood Monsters.  The man manages to kill the thing and get away...or so he thinks.  These things refuse to die.  Damn their 'merch powers!'  Our heroes manage to overpower the space nurses/pirates during the ensuing chaos, but not before they lose two of their own to the mysterious plague/infection.  It's about this time we get the reveal that's not even a surprise, since this is an Alien rip-off: Steve Railsback's character is a robot.  I guess when you can't get Lance Henriksen, he'll do!  He shows off his robotic strength by knocking a chunk off of the head of a lady 'zombie.'  Don't worry- it just kind of grows back without anyone acknowledging it.  The remaining pirates and crew member hide and try to think up a plan.  As they do this, we get more zombies.  Yeah, these guys are not the best survivalists, it seems.  They also explain the whole 'new commander' storyline in some exposition dialog.  Basically, they picked up the weird, green thing on some planet, but it's box crushed the old Commander aka the new Commander's fiancee.  How sad- get back to the zombies!

Not surprisingly, the pirates are not the most trustworthy bunch.  The craziest one convinces the guy who originally caused the infestation to split off from the group and look for an escape pod.  Yeah, he dies a bloody death, as does the woman.  The cast is whittled down until we have just the Commander, the lead pirate and Railsback.  He holds the zombies off for a bit, but gets controlled by the green orb thing.  He escapes its power, however, long enough to get ripped apart by the zombies during an heroic act.  The pirate- shockingly- betrays the Commander and goes for a pod, but gets killed.  The wounded lady manages to escape to the Docking Bay where she finds that her fiancee's preserved corpse is missing.  In it's place- a super-mutant.  Yeah, I guess it mutates dead people different or some shit.  She gets away, sending herself out in his former-coffin (ew) towards Earth...only to find the Orb inside.  Ruh roh.

There's not enough fake blood here to save this 'sinking ship.'  The plot of this movie is part Alien and part Day of the Dead.  Of course, it's not as good as either of them.  They frame the story in a confusing manner at times, deciding to reveal certain plot points later than you would think.  Why do they wait nearly an hour to explain what the magical orb is or where it's from?  It's kind of important to the plot, guys!  The acting is not great here either, although Railsback does his usual good job.  He doesn't have a lot to work with here, but he tries to make the most of it.  Everybody else....I don't care about.  The film's real appeal is going to be from the gore.  While it doesn't show in my screen captures, there's a lot of it.  Some of it looks good, while some of it looks cheap as hell.  If this is enough to draw you into a film, it should work.  For everybody else, it's just a lot of wasted potential.  Zombies in space- neat.  The way zombies in space are handled here- not so neat.  Plus, it just reminds me that nobody has made a real werewolf or mummy in space film.  Someone really needs to get on that.  This movie is alright, but nothing more.  I was hoping for something more, I guess.

Next up, I cover Troll 3...again.  This time, it features 'Ator,' a two-headed robot and Godzilla.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster...Class: Outlander (2008)

Vikings vs. Aliens!  With all the talk of Cowboys fighting groups,- whether it's in a bomb like The Warrior's Way or a possible hit like Cowboys vs. Aliens- I think it's fair to give someone else a chance in a movie that barely got any attention.  This 2008 film was released Direct-to-DVD and just sort of hung around for a long time.  Even now, how many of you have actually seen this movie?  How many of you have passed it on the shelf in a Blockbuster or other regional video rental store?  I know that I'm certainly guilty of it...or I was.  I finally saw this movie and decided to pass the knowledge on to you.  The plot involves an alien man crashing down in Norway, but he's not alone.  Can he face down a crisis that has arisen from his own past and make a new life?  Will he succeed where his people have failed?  Just to note- this is a fairly-new film, so beware of the almighty SPOILERS!  Shine your steel, because we're going to meet the...

The movie begins with a ship flying through space and crashing down to Earth.  It's here that we learn that the Special Effects are actually pretty good here.  Could this movie actually turn out to be kind of good?  The man (Jim Caviezel) swims out of his craft and retrieves some items.  It's here that he first removes his Stargate-style armor.  Sadly, we never get to see it again.  He sets up a beacon that will signal his home planet's fleet, but it will take a few Earth days.  He also uses a device that zaps him full of the information about the world he's in and allows him to speak Nordic.  Oddly, Nordic sounds a lot like English!  The place: Norway.  The time: 700 A.D.  Well, of course it's A.D.!  Nothing happened in Norway in 700 B.C.!  While wandering around, our hero stumbles across a village full of dead bodies.  Great- he got lost and wandered into North Vietnam!  Actually, this is foreshadowing of what is to come and a major plot point for later.  He's captured and loses his fancy ray-gun, something else that we never see again.  He's taken captive and brought to a village of Vikings led by...John Hurt.  That's odd casting, right?  He has a red-headed daughter who is set to be wed off to a man that she doesn't love.  Thankfully, 'Jesus' is in town to make you swoon.

The Vikings are skeptical of the man's story, especially since all of his proof is at the bottom of a lake.  When a darkly-lit, CG monster attacks, they're a little more believing.  They let him go with them on a hunting expedition where they go into a cave and...kill a bear.  The village celebrates and our hero is wary of spoiling their good time.  Unfortunately, another threat lingers about on the outskirts.  You see, that village from before was under the care of a different Viking Chief (Ron Perlman) and he blames the others for it.  He attacks, leading to a decent battle where he is routed.  Him and his men wait out in the woods and plot their counter-counter attack when a mysterious beast picks them off one-by-one.  They flee into the other village, who initially just shoots at them.  It's here that the monster first makes his real presence known.  He's basically a mix of Godzilla and the monster from The Host, with a body that glows blood red.  It's freaky, to say the least.  The men agree with Caviezel to make a trap for the monster.  It's a tough thing, but they manage to get it trapped in a pit full of fire-water and light the sucker up!  Unfortunately, he's pretty fire-resistant- damn racial bonuses- and keeps killing.  On top of that, he/she has spawned a brood which attacks from the other side.  In the chaos, both Perlman (see Deep Blue Sea Moments) and Hurt are killed.  We're all boned, huh?

The villagers agree to move to a new home, since their weapons cannot kill the beast.  Caviezel, however, and gets a small force to stay behind.  He retrieves metal from his ship's debris and gets it made into some new weaponry.  Screw you, causality!  In a sad moment, he explains the origin of both himself and the beast to the Chief's Daughter.  Yes, an hour and twenty-minutes in is a good time to explain who the character is!  Basically, his race went around killing everyone and everything who had stuff that they wanted.  They nuked a bunch of these monster things, but not all.  One of them got on Caviezel's ship and killed many, leading to the crash.  In the present, Caviezel leads a small team to the monster's cave after the lead one captured the Chief's Daughter.  They go into the cave and face some stiff resistance, leading to most of the ancillary characters they brought along being killed.  So long,...um, Steve, was it?  It's a bloody struggle, but the little monsters are killed and the eggs are smashed.  However, 'momma/papa' is still there and he's pissed!  He kills the second-in-command guy and nearly takes out Caviezel before the Chief's Daughter comes to his aid.  In a dramatic scene, Caviezel stabs the thing as it holds onto him, causing it to fall.  He leaves the village and goes back to his signal device, being followed by the Daughter.  As his rescue ship comes, he smashes the console and they just leave.  Oddly-incurious lot, huh?  He buries the dead and leads the village to peace and prosperity.  The End.

Norse mythology be damned!  The plot of this movie is certainly quirky, but I kind of like it.  It doesn't force itself on you too much, letting it flow naturally.  Unfortunately, the pacing is a little off.  The middle part of the film is a bit too long, focusing too much on Caviezel fitting in with the tribe.  That and a whole sub-plot about him liking this kid don't need to be here.  At 110 minutes, the movie could use a trim in a few places.  Even so, I liked it.  The Special Effects are good and the action is nice.  It's a good mix of bloody and subtle that works for me.  The acting is pretty good here too, as Caviezel plays his role with a subdued sense of fear and bravery.  Hurt is good here too and Perlman offers his usual sense of bravado to the film.  If you can accept the premise and setting, you can have a good time with this movie.  The monster alone is worth more attention than the film gets.  Even if you aren't a big fan of genre-bending movies, give this one a look.

Up next, a movie that proves that role-playing games truly are dangerous.  That's right- they drive people to make shit movies like this.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster DTV Trash: Mirrors 2

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the lamest of them all!  A Korean film called Mirrors (translated, mind you) was made and apparently deemed popular enough to be remade here.  That film was not exactly a hit, but- you guessed it- the video market was rich enough to merit a sequel.  Fun side note: when my local Hollywood Video was closing down, they had six copies of Mirrors.  Every time I went, they were still there!  Ouch.  Basically, angry ghosts can live on through mirrors and hurt us by taking our likeness.  How this really works is anyone's guess.  This film certainly does nothing to explain it!  Another odd thing is that this movie is really a pretty-close remake of the original Korean film, while Mirrors is not.  Confusing?  Yes.  I suppose if I can make sense of some of the most convoluted film plots this side of Eraserhead, I can wrap my head around this film.  When you read this, make note of the actors who appear in this movie.  Some should be able to do better (Nick Stahl), some really can't (Emmanuelle Vaugier) and others could have at one point (William Katt).  Another important note: this is a late-2010 video release, so SPOILERS will abound.  No complaining, alright?  Get out your Windex so that we can work on the...

The film begins with a guard doing his rounds one night in a building.  Since I've never seen a movie before, I'm sure that this isn't a set-up to something bad!  He wanders past a mirror and starts to pose in it.  Suddenly, his reflection turns bad, breaks its flashlight and begins to eat the glass shards.  That's rich in fiber, you know.  As he begins to freak out, the movie just cuts to the credits.  Okay, so what happened to him after that?  In some clunky exposition, we learn that the owner of the building (Katt) has a son with a tragic event in his recent past (Stahl).  The guy agrees to take over for the old guard, who just up and quit.  I'd love to see him tell them that with a mouth full of glass!  The boss introduces his son to the main employees aka the victims of the movie.  Don't bother to know them too well, as they are one-dimensional plot devices in human form.  The new guard sees visions of a girl in reflections around the place and is a bit unsettled.  By the way, for those wondering how this is a sequel, there's an off-hand line about a mirror being taken from the original hotel in Mirrors.  That's it.  That night, we see alternating scenes of Stahl walking around and the woman from earlier taking a shower.  When you're showing her naked in the shower and it's not really to set-up drama/suspense, you're just making porn!  Eventually, her reflection turns evil and makes her trip, while a vision of it shows up in the mirror in front of Stahl...

The police look into the crime, but right it off as accidental.  If the glass in your shower is sharp enough to decapitate you from a ten-inch drop, you may want to switch to plastic.  The next night, Stahl goes on his rounds again and sees more hints of things to come.  One of the guys from earlier is seen at home preparing dinner when his evil reflection reveals itself.  It begins to cut itself, causing the same injuries to happen to the guy.  Again- how does that work?  Is it too much to ask for the movie to actually explain it's own logic?  The cops get even more suspicious when two people who work at the same place die in the span of two days.  Logic- I can't believe you stopped by for a visit!  The police question Stahl, but he explains that he has a solid alibi.  As it turns out, he tried to call and warn the guy, since the mirror spirit likes to give him foreshadowing.  He calls his dad and says that he can't work on the job anymore, which the dad accepts pretty easily.  Stahl really freaks out, however, when he sees the evil reflection of his dad on that same night.  He rushes home and stops the kill by...being around.  Odd.  Incidentally, say good-bye to Katt as this is his last scene too.  He just stops showing up...for some reason.

Finally, we get a real hint of the story behind the killings.  Stahl meets up with a woman (Vaugier) who has had a few minor scenes earlier.  She is looking for her sister, who went missing after a company party two months ago.  The pair go to talk to the guard from the beginning, but he's a little freaked out, living in a house with no mirrors.  Mind you, he has reflective metal, but I guess the movie isn't that literal.  We learn that the sister was at the party when three people- the same guys that Stahl met on his first day- messed with her.  The first two victims drugged her and send her home with the third guy, who tries to rape her in the back room of the building.  He ends up killing her when she struggles and the body was never found.  In an attempt to be clever, the movie juxtaposes the flashback with an attack scene of the the third guy attacking Vaugier at the building.  It's really just annoying, guys.  Ultimately, the pair end up in the lobby and by the giant, plot-point mirror from earlier.  The girl's spirit appears and drags the bad guy through, apparently killing him as a blood stain shows up on the mirror.  After that, the mirror explodes!  In the Epilogue, the guard is interrogated for his part- he erased the security tapes of the event- and is left behind when the mirror spirit comes for him.  The End.

This film has a reflection and it's ugly!  The plot of the movie is a bit confusing, since it likes to hold on to key plot points like a kid with his candy.  Give it, give it!  The idea of the ghost coming back for revenge thing is pretty plaid out from J-Horror and K-Horror films.  Of course, being a remake of a K-Horror film, that makes sense!  I still can't get past the whole 'mirrors kill you' thing.  They don't explain it in any real detail here.  I haven't seen all of Mirrors, but maybe they do a better job.  I kind of doubt it.  This film just uses the basic premise as a set-up to have some gory kills.  If you're just into that stuff, you may enjoy at least part of the movie.  We're only about twenty-minutes into the film before the whole scene with the woman in the shower.  Speaking of which, that scene is just shameless T&A!  As the people over at The Smithee Awards would say, it's an example of the 'Let's Up the Rating to R' trope.  Many films have shower scenes that show little to no nudity, but this one's has a porn star-looking lady.  The acting here is not all that bad, but nobody really stands out too much.  To his credit, Katt's character feels like a real, natural person.  Oddly, I didn't like him as an actor too much in House, but he's good here.  Oh yeah, Stahl is still too good for this crap.  If you like the original film, this has nothing to do with it, save for rehashing the lore behind the kills.  You couldn't spring for a Keifer Sutherland cameo or anything?  It's not terrible, but it's nothing all that good or interesting once you look past the cheesy gore.  Let's just see how Mirrors 3 turns out...since I'm sure they'll make it.

Up next, we begin Weird Killers 2 Week with an obscure, 1970s film.  I hope you like infantilizing!  Stay tuned...
  

Blockbuster Instant Trash: Return to Sleepaway Camp

Why couldn't you have stopped while you were very far behind?  Sleepaway Camp was a mild hit in 1983, proving to be more famous for its twist ending than anything else.  Welcome to your future, The Sixth Sense!  Sleepaway Camp 2 was another decent hit, although some big plot changes occurred and the faces involved changed.  Sleepaway Camp 3 stretched the premise a bit too far and tried to insist that it was important.  More importantly- it's not really funny.  Next came Sleepaway Camp 4.  Wondering why you can't find it on Netflix and/or streaming anywhere?  Well, they never finished making it.  If you get the series collection on DVD- which doesn't include today's film, as it was made later- you get to see the remnants of the film on the Special Features Disc.  Even so, today's film is unofficially-known as Sleepaway Camp V.  Yes, by all means, acknowledge the film that was neither completed nor released in any way!  That brings us to 2008 where the original director returned to reclaim his series.  The result- a movie barely-released on DVD, let alone in theaters.  Good job.  The film supposedly continues the story, all the while ignoring 2 and 3.  Angry much?  Will this film be the return to form or just prove why you shouldn't resurrect a film series after 25 years?  Pack your bags and your assault rifles for our...

The film begins by immediately-annoying the audience.  A couple of pre-teens are lighting farts, whereupon a fat kid joins them to pick on them.  However, he always thinks that others are picking on him.  As it turns out, a lot of them are...while he also insults and incites them.  What happened to 'bullies pick on kid, kid gets revenge?'  Why was that not in this story?  Instead, I like nobody.  The new Camp is run by 'Big Pussy' and has a staff that includes Isaac Hayes as The Chef.  Hey movie- not funny!  The kids are so rowdy that they won't even listen to a cop with a voice box tell them not to smoke.  Those bastards!  We see more antagonism both too and from Alan, the fat kid.  He makes a scene and then gets taken to the kitchen, where he argues with the Chef's Assistant.  It ends with the kid throwing a knife at the guy and being taken away.  You couldn't be a bigger Red Herring if you lived in the Ocean!  Speaking of which, the guy is killed later as a mysterious assailant tips him into the container full of fry oil.  Gee, I'm sure it's totally that kid we saw earlier...

The movie goes through a series of scenes that are very repetitious.  Basically, Alan picks a fight with people who did nothing to him and then gets picked on by the other kids.  In fact, a couple of the Counselors get in on the act.  Most of these bits are just stupid and tedious.  One of the other sub-plots involves Alan having the hots for a blond girl who has to be at least 22.  She's still hot- don't get me wrong- but she's not the right age.  She eventually agrees to meet him at his lakeside hide-out, but gets freaked out when all of the frogs end up being skinned.  As it turns out, this was the result of a bully's action.  Hey, remember the bullies from Evilspeak that sacrificed Clint's puppy to Satan?  Well, they have rivals!  Oh yeah, the fat kid never changes his shirt either, even after he's doused in eggs, tossed in the lake and shot with paintballs.  I'd make a joke about Eugene from the WWE, but most of you would probably not get it.  Throughout this time, people are sporadically-killed.  This film manages to rip-off moments from it's own series too.  Case in point: the stoner guy is burned alive.  Get it?!?  It's like a joint!

Apparently they used up the Special Effects budget by this point because we just get more Allen being a jerk and people being bigger jerks to him.  In an odd little scene, the cop from earlier- who never really leaves- goes to visit the brother of Angela.  This will be important later, so don't forget it.  Eventually, the movie goes into overdrive and tries to cover for the boring parts.  One guy gets killed via a stake driven through a hole in the Cabin floor, but only after it misses the first time and he sticks his face in front of it 50 more times.  The fat, black girl gets killed when the assailant jumps on the top bunk, driving the nails placed into it through her body.  That's creative, but pretty damn silly.  The Camp owner gets killed when he gets a bird cage put on his head some sort of animal placed inside.  As for Hayes, he just sort of stops showing up in the film- odd.  The killer eventually goes after the blond girl, but the cop saves her.  Pay attention to this plot point too.  The lead jerk goes out after Alan and beats him with a mallet before being attacked by the unseen killer.  The blond girl, Angela's brother and the lead counselor arrive to see Alan hurt and the kid skinned.  A laugh comes from the distance as the cop pulls off his mask, fake beard and prosthetic work to reveal...Angela.  After that, the movie just ends abruptly.

Camp is back and it sucks!  The plot is simple enough, but they screw it up in a number of ways.  How am I supposed to feel bad for Allen?  Yes, he gets picked on- but he also picks on other people.  He's not a victim!  He's just a bully who's a little lower on the food chain!  I don't empathize with him in any way.  It's one thing to try something new, but it's another try something this stupid!  The acting is...well, take a guess what I' m going to say.  Even the people that I kind of like- Hayes, for example- are not good here.  Here's my biggest thing: the plot holes.  If Angela was impersonating the cop the whole time, how come she/he went to see the brother?  It would be one thing if someone else was with her and it was for her cover.  In the film, however, she's alone and she doesn't tell anyone about it.  Was it all an attempt to get the brother to come back to see her in the end?  If so, why?!?  Furthermore, how come none of the paramedics or other authority figures question his/her presence.  Can you really just dress like a cop and nobody asks questions?  I also have to get a special 'shout-out' to the Music Department and their ability to turn the music up super-loud during dull scenes.  Yeah, that totally covers it!  Ultimately, this movie is a disappointment in a number of ways.  I'd rather watch Sleepaway Camp 3 again while having invasive dental surgery done to me!

Next up, we get into a week of Direct-to-DVD sequels.  First up is the prequel to an action film almost nobody saw- why?!?  Stay tuned...
 

Blockbuster Trash: Catacombs

With so many shitty, Direct-to-DVD horror films out there, it's hard to pick on just one.  Of course, anyone who follows this site knows that I haven't!  Even so, this is another.  The film stars rock star Pink and genre actress Shannyn Sossamon.  Wow, I'm so excited now.  Seriously, it's impossible to restrain my total apathy. On the plus side, the movie is set and- at least, in part- filmed there.  Mind you, we spend most of the film in a dark sewer- duh- so it's kind of a moot point.  Just imagine if someone made a horror film that took place during Carnivale, only to set 90% of the movie in a janitor's closet!  What's the plot?  A mutated killer in the sewers who comes from a family of inbred freaks.  Yeah, it's Texas Chainsaw Massacre...In Paris.  That would make a far better title, by the way.  Don't worry, there is more to say about this film than just that.  Get out your convenient map for my review of...

The film begins at a rave.  Great- I'm watching XXX again.  Actually, this rave footage is juxtaposed with shots of a woman running from a barely-visible killer.  She screams and yells in French.  By the way, this is one of the few instances in the film in which someone actually speaks French.  No, really.  After a bit of running, the movie jumps right into the opening credits.  There is actually a reason for this awkward cutting, but you'll find out later.  We jump to a woman (Sossamon) arriving in Paris via plane.  She reads a letter from her sister out loud via voice-over.  Oh yeah, they also steal the whole Sunset Boulevard hook by telling you that everyone she would meet in Paris would be dead.  In terms of the film's quality, I suppose I should say that this is ripping off House of the Dead actually.  Our heroine is a bit edgy and gets spooked by a police dog in the airport suddenly jumping and barking at her.  Naturally, this leads to her being pulled aside for additional screening...after the plane has landed and she's in the Terminal.  The point of this random scene: to have the character do a shit ton of exposition.  A lot of it is pointless, however, since we got most of it from the letter and her previous narration.  Well, as long as you're wasting my time for a good reason.  She meets up with her sister and continues to act antsy.  No time for that- you have to get new clothes for your rave.  Cue the montage...

The rave is alright, provided that you wish to be drunk on the set of The Matrix Reloaded.  In a break from the partying, the leader of the group tells them the tale of a crazy, inbred family that has lived in the Catacombs.  They raised their son to be a killer, only for him to kill them and run free.  Back at the rave, Sossamon runs off after the group decides to go skinny-dipping.  Thanks to selective Editing, Pink appears to be standing still and suddenly is in the pool.  Sorry for all 10 of you who wanted to see her topless, but you won't get it here!  She goes to talk to her sister- also Edited around her nudity- and they get attacked by the monster.  Right at the thirty minute mark (on the freaking dot!), Pink is dead.  On top of that, the Police arrive to break up the Rave.  The problem: they don't break in when a giant line of people is entering from the street.  No, they bust in when everyone is down in the Catacombs, creating lots of chaos.  Our heroine gets separated and wanders around.  Get used to that....

Yeah, she just wanders around for a long-ass time.  The killer chases her for a bit and then vanishes.  Seriously, he's just gone from the forty-five minute mark to about an hour and fifteen minutes in.  The rest of that time is obviously important as it leads to- you guessed it- more wandering around.  She eventually stumbles across another person, who turns out to be a French asshole.  His role here is to be the sixth real actor in the film and subsequently get hurt.  Our heroine actually leaves him to die when he breaks his leg, but vows to return.  Yeah, she doesn't.  Finally, another killer chase ensues leading to...our heroine being knocked out and...running into her sister.  Okay, are you ready for the mother of all stupid plot twists?  You sure?  Alright.  The story about the killer- fake.  Our heroine was the subject of a prank by her sister and her friends.  The whole point of this?  To scare her and make her change her skittish ways.  No, really.  The sister freaks out at Sossamon, however, when she learns that one of the guys was killed during the chase.  Our heroine instantly turns crazy and kills them, walking calmly out of the Metro covered in blood.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is ridiculous, filling in a bad idea with worse ones.  The cliched killer in the sewers/forest/ship plot is so overdone that anyone would send it back at a restaurant.  Oh wait- it's supposed to be stupid, because it's a story.  Oh wait- no, it's not.  That's actually a stupid idea.  You can't throw in a plot like that as part of your 'super clever fake-out' plot.  By the way, April Fools Day called and said that 'you're a bunch of hacks!'  I'm referring to the original that pissed people off in the '80s, by the way, as opposed to the recent film of the same name.  The acting is...well, it stars Pink and Shannyn Sossamon.  Do I even need to elaborate?  I should also mention that the movie doesn't even exploit the idea of allowing us to see a famous non-actor die in the film.  You should have learned your lesson from House of Wax!  The movie is a big, giant tease for a good movie.  Unless you're into that, don't bother.  From Paris with Disdain, people!

Up next, a week of Instant Viewing fun because with some '80s shit.  It features robot cyborgs that are mutants....yeah.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Horror (2002)

I could have waited another year.  Last October when I switched the page to entirely horror films for that month (a change that's mostly become permanent), I narrowly decided against reviewing this film, as well as The Last Horror Movie.  I still haven't bitten the bullet on that one yet, by the way.  However, I did see this movie and now you get to endure it alongside me.  In 2002, low-budget auteur (aren't they all) Dante Thomaselli made his 'masterpiece'- a confusing mess of a film that blows its creative wad about twenty minutes into it's 70-minute runtime.  The film tells the conjoined tales of a group of 'teens' who just broke out of a drug treatment facility and a 'religious' family that is doing weird, sacrificial work to their daughter.  When these two stories careen together, the real film begins...and just sort of meanders to the finish.  It is, however, a contender for Weirdest Stunt-Casting in Horror Film History.  Who does it star?  The Amazing Kreskin.  For those of you who don't know who Johnny Carson is, this man was a hypnotist and over-all stage performer.  Apparently, he was in high-demand in 2002 and took this acting gig.  Fun fact: in 2009, Kreskin did a stunt where he would prove that UFOs exist or he'd give $50,000 to charity.  When none showed up, he claimed that they came by after the cameras left, hence he wouldn't pay.  Nice guy, huh?  Get out your inexplicable zombies for my review of...

A young woman is hanging up Christmas decorations (I guess I'm about two months early- oops) when she hears a noise.  It comes from a black goat, who was walking in the snow.  How did it make a noise again?  This freaks her out, leading her to bang on the door asking for her parents.  A moment later, a freaking man with a full goatee missing the mustache shows up and puts her in a bag.  Thanks for cooperating with him, honey.  After the credits, we cut to a group of idiots in a van.  One of them runs in, as the movie lingers on the dead body of a guard.  As it turns out, the guy shot the guard, who worked for the Drug Rehab Facility that they were in.  They drive off for a bit, indulging in some drugs from a bag.  Where did they get them?  According to the leader, it came from a visiting Pastor that was there the other day.  Yeah, that's a believable story!  In the other story, the girl wakes up and sees some freaky shit.  That guy who abducted her is apparently her father, who is a faith healer.  When the mother sees the girl watching a ceremony from the window, she alerts the father.  He responds by doing a hand gesture, causing the girl to faint.  Sure- why not?!?  In addition to that, her grandfather (Kreskin) is a hypnotist who does such great tricks as 'You're stiff as a board' and 'you can't stand up.'  Hurray?

Eventually, the two stories careen into one.  One of the druggies wakes up to find his face all blue and covered in freaky veins.  The group runs into a house, which just so happens to be the one where the girl is being held.  The lead guy wanders in, sees the couple as floating pumpkins and shoots them.  When the girl wakes up, she's upset to find her parents dead.  Yes, I can see why you loved the people that drugged you and kidnapped you.  You must be...from Stockholm!  After this, all hell breaks loose.  The movie pretty much loses all narrative focus, choosing to show random scenes with no rhyme or reason.  Speaking of which, we see a dream/flashback where the girl walks home with the grandfather, he disappears, a monster bites her and, when she talks to the parents, she says that he died a week ago.

More randomness- why not?!?  This is the breakdown for you...
* A horny couple from the teen group get separated after the guy throws up blood on her.  He wanders off and gets killed by zombies.  By the way, there are zombies here.
* The girl from the duo goes into the attic and gets killed by something I don't recall.  It must have been interesting.
* The remainder wander around for a bit, while we get random dreams and shit.
* Kreskin spends nearly ten minutes on a group hypnosis session that adds nothing.  This is apparently all real though, assuming you believe the Producers.
* The lead girl gets killed by zombies in the woods, but they can't afford a death scene, so she just sort of gets surrounded and dies.  Hurray.
* In the end, we see via a flashback that Pastor Kreskin (not his name) gave the guy the drugs, setting this whole thing up.  Hurray- it's over!

This movie sucks- long and hard.  It's a seventy-minute film that just sort of meanders between plot-less scenes for the last forty.  There's an overall narrative (kind of), but it boils down to 'how do we get out of here?' and nothing more.  It's just a pretense to use the grab bag of random horror ideas that Dante had lying around.  Why couldn't he have just skipped coming in to work on this day?!?  He wasn't even supposed to be there!  The thing starts out promising enough with the goat and all, but quickly spirals downhill from there.  Much like Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, it has enough interesting moments to fill a trailer & nothing more!  Was there a point to this movie?  Honestly, I'm asking you!  The story is nothing, the acting is bad and the effects are barely-there to begin with.  You can just keep skipping this movie like I did.  There's no need to see it.  You can see the ghost and the floating pumpkin heads here.  Watch something better this Halloween season.  The Abominable Dr. Phibes is available on disc somewhere and just waiting for you to pick it up.  Take me home, silliest actor credit ever...

Next up, I won't skip out on a Halloween film this year.  All joking aside, this one is a film that is so bad that it will make you skip the apples and go right for the razor blades.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Ancient Evil 2- Guardian of the Underworld

I was not looking forward to this movie.  The original film was really bad.  I mean, really, really bad.  Well, let's try to be positive for a bit here.  For one thing, David DeCoteau is not directing here.  I'll get enough of him next month with the Puppet Master films!  Instead, it's some guy I've never heard about.  Given how the film turns out, I doubt that aspect about him is going to change.  The film involves a bunch of people in New England who manage to summon the ancient God Anubis in humanoid form.  Why?  Why the hell not?!?  I summoned Set last weekend and nothing bad happened.  Well, not to me anyways.  Will their experiment go worse than mine?  Get out your ancient Egyptian Hummel figurine for my review of...

The film begins in ancient Egypt- at least, that's what they say.  It's clearly filmed on the same kind of beach you see in New England.  Considering that I've both been there and seen The Flesh Eaters, I can assure you of this fact.  Anyhow, a fat mummy- NOOOO!!!!- wanders around in pursuit of a Prince of Persia-reject and they fight.  The man with the sword dies, but a light from the sky vanquishes the monster too.  After the credits, we arrive in present day to see a slutty woman go to an antique store.  You see, the film is set in one of those small, New England towns that don't make for good movies.  There's practically nobody there, nothing to do and nothing of interest around.  On the plus side, it's cheaper than hiring extras.  The woman buys a figurine from the owner, but finds out that it has a convoluted origin.  You see, someone took this object from Egypt and brought it all the way to Canada, whereupon the dying man sold it to this black guy who returned it to New England.  No, really.  The guy gives the girl a whole speech about how the object is dangerous, apparently fulfilling a contract he had with the guy.  Bear in mind that he still gives it to her after she makes it clear that she wants to resurrect Anubis on Earth.  Oh yeah, this guy never appears again after this part- hurray!  On a beach, two idiots are discussing their plans, one of whom wanting to rent porn.  The other one jokes about that 'being gay.'  Is that a dig at your old director or just shitty writing?

After some filler, the woman is greeted in her home by her dead mother, who apparently tried something like this.  The girl scoffs at her concerns & makes plans to do the ritual right.  To do so, she needs more souls around.  Thankfully, she's dating the jerk who thought something 'was gay.'  As a side-note to that, we later learn that the girl is a virgin, but lets the guy do 'the other thing' to make him happy.  You're the one talking about things being 'gay' again?  The trio- counting the stoner idiot- convince the store owner and his prude of a girlfriend to go out with them to the woods to summon the creature.  Well, they were just having a conversation that included the phrase 'Let's agree not to negotiate for your hymen,' so they had nothing better to do.  One music video/montage later, they arrive in the woods...and walk some more.  Finally, they get to the place and do the ceremony, but only after introducing a sub-plot around baby murdering.  Thanks, movie. The ceremony only works when the girl bleeds on the tablet.  Unfortunately, she bleeds some more when she walks out of her own protective circle and is killed by Anubis.  By the way, Anubis is just the fat mummy, but with a dog mask on.  Our heroes run off, but get separated from the stoner guy.  He runs off to a shed mentioned earlier, finding a spotlight left on in the abandoned building.  Why?  So we can see him die, of course.

After the jerk guy splits up, he gets killed alongside a truck driver who stops for him.  Why is he here?  To drive up the body count.  That's also why we get to meet two hunters (killed), a Torgo-looking bum (killed) and a hitchhiker (you guessed it- killed).  Our two Final Girls/Boys backtrack for the manuscript and read the conveniently-translated part about how they can send Anubis back.  The catch: they must be near Anubis.  Seconds later, he shows up...and they run away.  What was the point of that?!?  They had him unarmed and pinned to the wall, so they ran away?  This happens again, as they hide on an out-of-place semi-truck trailer.  Our hero actually fends off Anubis with a stick he just picked up off of the ground.  Eventually, they get to a barn and the girl is placed out of reach.  She spends five minutes whining and worrying instead of, you know, reading the scroll.  When that doesn't work, she finally remembers how the girl bled before to make the stone work, cuts herself and a light from the Heavens sends Anubis away.  Shouldn't it be from Hell?  After all that death, the movie just abruptly ends.  Okay than.

This movie sucks in a big way!  The premise has real potential, even if the setting, cast and production values are not up to par.  Had Anubis actually been interesting here, I might have been more forgiving.  Instead, he's just the same fat mummy from before, but he wears a gray wolf mask.  The only plus: he actually runs.  It looks silly as hell, but it's a change!  The writing here is terrible, as the characters are given very little motivation for doing anything.  The girl wants to summon Anubis because...um, people will die.  The boyfriend and the stoner guy go along because...um, her performing the ritual will be funny.  You make a several hour drive and mile-long hike for that?  In addition, the random extras/body count add nothing to the story.  The hunters shoot Anubis, but get killed after talking for five minutes.  The bum is there for, I guess, comedy relief.  Of course, he's not funny, his character makes no sense and he dies while making a joke.  What a freaking waste of time!  The hitchhiker literally gets mere seconds of screen time and, when she next appears, she dies at the doorstep.  Did she walk all the way there while wounded or something?  There are some good kills here, but you have to be really patient.  For wasting such a good premise, this movie gets what it deserves: a beating.

Next up, the final week of September brings us a VHS cult classic.  Will it tell the truth or dare to be utter shit?  Stay tuned...

Sounds Like Blockbuster Trash: Fireball (America)

I ask you a simple question: will this movie have more to do with it's title than the other Fireball did?  The short answer: yes.  The next question: is it better than the Thai action film that shares it's name?  That's a bit trickier to answer, honestly.  This film is a Foreign production, but does feature some American actors in notable parts.  In a nutshell, it's like such films as Strike Commando, Starcrash or Guyana: Crime of the Century- just without the shooting, time-manipulation weapons and suicides, respectively.  I should also note that I did not rent this movie- my brother did.  I just like to mention that for when I get to talk about all the bad and/or silly parts later.  Basically, a guy gets super-powers, goes insane and has to be stopped.  There's a bit more to it, but not a lot.  Get out your burn-powered haircut for my review of...

The film begins with our heroes fleeing from an angry, bald man.  Oh no, Batista has finally gone over the edge...more.  This guy can throw fireballs though- hat or no hat- and tosses one in their direction as they try to drive away.  The CG death ball closes in on them and...the movie flashes back to how this all began.  Oh good, you've seen Sunset Boulevard too.  After that cinematic cliche, we are introduced to our villain- a pro athelete.  I knew it- they've always been out to get us!  Actually, this guy is a bit loopy because he has been abusing steroids.  Science-fiction, I say!  We see him have a freak-out when a reporter confronts him at a gas station.  After this incident, he ends up in jail- then things get bad.  The place gets set on fire and he apparently gets fire powers from this.  Why?  It has something to do with the bodily-mutation set about by his overuse of designer steroids.  No, really.  Now armed with these inexplicably-gained powers, he seeks revenge on those who sent him to jail.  Raise your hand if you're surprised.

Following that rubbish explanation, we get to see our two heroes try and catch the guy.  Despite the fact that he's completely-freaking nuts, he manages to elude capture, hide his presence and remain elusive.  News Flash: find the steroid-riddled man who is covered in fire!  They also manage to pull a number of fire powers out of their ass when it just happens to fit the need of the scene.  For example, when he gets cornered by the cops and they shoot at him, he survives.  How?  He can heat up the air around him so greatly that bullets melt before they hit him!  Sure- why not?  Eventually, they lure him into a trap and drop a giant pile of sand on top of him.  He manages to escape by melting the sand into glass...which then shatters.  This leads to our heroes having to flee for their life from a giant fireball.  Will they escape?  Will the fire-covered weirdo be defeated?  I'll never tell....

This movie is not good.  The plot is silly, but is not really played much for laughs.  You could have embraced your goofy plot and had some fun!  Instead, they play it straight, having the leads be as dull as door nails.  The female lead especially is dull, having her only character trait be her obsession with details.  Really?  That's all you've got.  On the flip-side, the villain's acting is so over-the-top that you would think that he had a different script!  Some of the effects are actually pretty good, although CG fire has been pretty easy to do since 2002. The film doesn't have a lot to offer that you can't see in any Syfy Channel picture.  That's pretty much what this is- take it or leave it.

Up next, we get into a week of Must-Sees which will include movies that I've put off for a while.  First up, a Jean Rollin movie- this could go either way.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Anniversary Trash: The 9/11 Commission Report (The Asylum's)

Yes, they went there.  I usually don't talk about stuff like this, but when I was reminded that this movie existed, I had to talk about it.  Part of your understanding here has to be based on a reminder: The Asylum make bad movies.  Some of them are better than they should be (e.g. I Am Omega) or have enjoyable actors in them (e.g. Transmorphers: Fall of Man), but most of them suck!  They've tried to turn their reputation into that of a company that makes kitschy films like Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus or Titanic 2 (yes, really), but they mostly make dull and/or painful films like Death Racers or Tokyo/Monster.  The biggest thing about them is that they make movies to capitalize off of upcoming *presumed to be* hit films.  This is amusing at times, but also leads to stuff like this.  Back in 2006, Oliver Stone wanted to make a memorial film about the tragedy that took place on 9/11/01.  Personally, I saw it as a bit tacky, but he was going in with a good heart.  The same could be said for the people behind United 93- another film I found to be tacky.  The Asylum's film is a cheap attempt to knock-off a film that arguably exploits a national tragedy- it's doubly-despicable!  So yeah, this is going to end well.  Get out your FICA Warrant for my review of...

This film is really just a series of random scenes of people talking.  What are they talking about, you ask?  Well, a man signs up for flight school and says cryptic things.  Nobody questions this until later, but it's not really all that notable.  A government agent talks cryptically about some operation.  An agent gets hired by that giant-nosed chick from Monster/Tokyo.  They talk about a government operation to kill Osama Bin Laden...while walking down a busy street in London.  How was this operation compromised again?!?  By the way, if you actually see this, count all the extras that nearly look right into the camera here.  Plus, check out the bit where a guy starts to walk in front of the camera and they suddenly change camera angles.  Seriously?

So yeah, we get more talking and, well, more talking.  They say things that could be interesting- like a woman explaining how killing Bin Laden is a viable option- but kill it with bad delivery and severely-muted acting.  I actually read a review from a British paper that talked about this containing 'The Asylum's best actors'- that's sad.  The big thing to note from the latter half of the movie is a very direct bias against 'Liberals.'  The FBI Agent wants to arrest the man taking flight classes, but those damn ACLU guys 'put a stop to that.'  My favorite part is where the random guy from Tokyo/Monster that helped the sisters outside and died off-camera plays a 'Democrat' who throws his authority in the Republican guy's face.  Yeah, remember all the authority they had in the year 2000 after Republicans took the White House & still controlled Congress.  Could you at least lie in a way that's feasible, guys?

By the way, I'm sure you're wondering- do they go there?  Here's the most they actually have the guts to do...

This movie is terrible!  It's pure, political exploitation that makes no damn sense.  The whole thing is hinged upon you believing their view of history.  It just doesn't synch up with, oh, reality!  On top of all that, the movie is just dull.  They pack a little action into the ending bit, I guess, but it's far too late.  This movie about political intrigue and the 'build-up' to the most tragic terrorist event in United States history is boring!  How can you do that?  The worst case scenario is that you play fast and loose with history (already done) in order to make action scenes occur.  Yeah, they don't do that.  If you think that the West Wing is too exciting for you, then this is your movie.  Unlike that show, the writing is terrible and just puts you to sleep.  This movie is just pointless and terrible.  How many 'terribles' are required for an Asylum film?  Just to cover my bases: terrible.

Next up, I celebrate 9/12 with a man more insane and dangerous than Glenn Beck.  Will his rally end the same way that his did?  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Ancient Evil- Scream of the Mummy

Another David DeCoteau film, huh?  Yeah, the guy's got a twenty-plus year career, so it's no wonder that I run into another one.  In fact, it's one of two films this month in a series.  Oddly, the second one is not directed by DeCoteau.  Unfortunately, this one is.  The film involves, well, a mummy being brought to life.  Since it's a film by DeCoteau, it also features numerous, pointless scenes of men shirtless.  Of course, 'the truth remains to be seen' folks.  Since this is low-budget, they have about three locations, ten people in the cast and almost no CG.  It's also one of the few films involving mummies and/or their lure that didn't show people in Egypt/Mexico/The Yucatan.  Remember that stupid Italian movie Dawn of the Mummy?  They shot on location in Egypt.  Hell, even that dull Fulci movie about a gem from Egypt had scenes shot there!  So now that the bar is set appropriately-low, let's check out the film.  Get out your deus ex machina bracelet for my review of...

The movie begins with a teacher talking to her students about a mummy brought in from Mexico.  See- I told you!  They talk about the lore a bit, but it's mostly just filler.  We get to see our cast of nobodies and, boy, are they ever generic.  We get nerdy guy (who's definitely not evil), jock guy, other jock guy, black guy, nerdy redhead, the blond and the teacher.  The latter's role is so small that it barely even merits a mention.  We get to see that the nerdy guy is weird and awkward here too.  That should go without saying, but, whatever.  We get some random banter between the characters to establish their motivations and all that, but, again, it's mostly just filler.  What's important is that the jock guy steals the amulet off of the mummy as a gift for the blond.  She's impressed, but also a bit miffed at his theft.  He still gets a date with her, so infer from that what you will.  That night, the teacher is looking into the mummy lore a bit more before leaving for the night.  The nerdy guy shows up and awakens the mummy, leading to it killing her in a throat slitting with very little blood.  You can't even give me decent gore, huh?  How sad.

After all of that, we get more banter between our heroes, who have since split up into their respective dorm rooms.  Basically, the three guys (minus the nerd) are whining about being stuck inside, since some unseen guard may catch them if they do anything.  This sub-plot amounts to nothing, by the way.  Eventually, Jock Guy decides to throw a party in the main building and invites Blond Girl to go with him.  The rest of them get upset when they find out about this, although they mostly just bitch about it.  Meanwhile, the mummy is loose and has hidden the teacher's body on the slab.  Nobody ever uncovers it for the obvious 'reveal shot,' so why include this?  The pair are inside the building and uncover the mess left behind by Nerdy Guy when looking for information, but do nothing about it.  Aftetr more wandering around and padding, the mummy finally kills Blond Girl.  Wow, I called her as the 'Final Girl,' so it shows what I know!  We get even more padding as the rest of the group

The blood finally begins to flow in this movie, although it's another case of far too little, far too late.  Jock Guy gets killed by the mummy, but only after some long, lingering shots of his abdomen.  We get it, David!  The rest of the cast just about gets offed in the successive time, leading us with just Nerdy Redhead, Other Jock Guy and Nerdy Guy.  The latter has revealed his evil plan: to sacrifice a virgin and bring about the end of the world.  The movie has made a point about saying that the Redhead is a virgin, so she's the obvious victim.  By the way, watch for the cameo by her boyfriend that's so important he dies off-camera!  Other Jock Guy is left to stop Nerdy Guy from carrying out his goal.  It's just a shame that he's too busy being choked by the mummy.  By the way, Nerdy Guy is doing the ceremony because he's a descendant of the ancient Mayan priests.  The only thing whiter than you is the actual color itself, so I find that a bit dubious.  After a lot of stalling and posturing, our hero smashes the amulet, causing Nerdy Guy to loose control of the mummy.  It slashes him in the back and just sort of dies, setting up The End.  Hurray for that!

This movie is crap- pure and simple.  It's a mummy film where the thing looks dumb, is clearly fat and just stabs everyone.  The cast is about ten people and they clearly couldn't afford more than their tiny number of locations.  The direction is alright, but nothing special.  It bears another mention of just how much exposed male torso there is in this movie.  I mean, is it really a secret about David DeCoteau and his personal longings.  For all the flack that Bryan Singer has gotten over the years for hiring good-looking, male actors for his *alleged* side-interests, DeCoteau is pretty shameless about it.  Considering that the one shirtless guy from Witches of the Caribbean was bad enough, imagine three or four of them and you've got the leads for this movie.  Is it too much to ask for the movie to have more than two major roles for women?  On top of that, one of them dies very early and the other is made out to clearly not be a sex symbol in any way.  As for the actual movie, it's dull, shoddy and does nothing interesting.  If you want to see a fat mummy wrestle with a Twilight-wannabe, this is your movie.  For everyone else, don't bother.

Up next, a horror anthology film that has gone overlooked for nearly 20 years.  As a bonus, it was almost another film entirely!  Stay tuned...