WTF Japan?!?: Pulse (2001)

After a long time of staring at that DVD Case on my shelf, I finally got around to this.  On top of that, it took me 2 viewings.  Today's Film is Pulse, a famous Japanese Thriller who's Remake's Sequels I reviewed long, long ago.  They sucked.  After all that time, I might as well go back to the source material.  The Plot: strange ghosts are coming into our World via the Internet!  That sounds interesting.  How do you make that boring and hard to sit through?  Simply give it the pace of a lazy glacier (shut up- analogies are hard!) and make it all look like the print was covered in dirt for a year.  If this is the 'classic version,' then how bad must the American Remake be?  I suppose I will get to that in another 5 years (give or take 5 years) and see.  In the meantime, here's to learning about Computers and banal conversation in a Horror Film...

A girl's friend has been keeping to himself for a while.  She goes over to get some work files from him and he acts weird.

Moments later, instant suicide.  If you could do things so fast, why was your work always late?!?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the origin of 13 Reasons Why.

And yes, I don't even know if that's how it happens.  And no, I don't care.

To be fair to the Film, they try to be subtle with the Horror.  To be realistic, this is nothing compared to what Ringu did...before this Film.

Oooh...tracking errors.

This guy needs to be taught how Bookmarking Pages worked...in 2001.  I'm pretty sure my Grandpa could have done that with less explanation.

They do set up some interesting moments- like our Heroine seeing this paranoid lady earlier and later seeing her jump to her death- but they are just so few and far between.

Shadows are scary, right?  Right?!?

Since this Film can't quite show scope that well, they just tell you that other people are missing all over the place.  Yea.

Our two Heroes finally just decide to run away as the Ghosts are too many.  One of them is more helpful than the other...

They ultimately leave on a boat with...Japanese Clive Owen to continue their adventures in...nothing.  The End.

After all this time, it was a disappointment.  I went back to watch this for the 2nd time after falling asleep the first time.  To be fair, I do that sometimes when I have the afternoon off.  That's not necessarily an indictment on the Film by itself, but...I fell asleep the 2nd time too.  I get it- you're intentionally-slow-paced.  It tries more to set a mood than be scary.  Great.  In the process, it is too long, too slow and just not interesting enough.  The mix of banal and terrifying can work.  It just didn't work for me.  The few good moments just don't save the Film for me.  It almost makes me wonder if the Remake is better.  That's blasphemous, I know.  I do like J-Horror, whether it is trying to be good like Ringu or ridiculous like Sadako vs. Kayako.  I'm not just not 'into' this one.  It needed to be less banal and/or more crazy.  If you like it, great.  I'll just stick with...um...no, not those Sequels.  I guess...I'll get back to you.  On the plus side, we get a glimpse at how everyone sees New Jersey on any given day though...

Next time, more randomness that I need to get through.  Could there be more Japan in the future?  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Pulse 3- Invasion

Pulse sounds like it was an okay film, although it is a remake of a foreign horror movie that is repopulated with teenagers.  Pulse II is utter crap and barely ties together with the first film.  Many deaths are just random and plot points are either built up too much (the family relationship dynamic) or not enough (who is the guy in all red?).  Now I'm reviewing the third film in the series...even though these last two were made for the DVD market and feature none of the stars.  Basically, humanity is overrun with ghosts from the internet and lives a life without technology.  In the wake of her parents' deaths, our heroine is now an angst-ridden teen.  I'm already losing interest, so let's log right into...

Our story begins with a man (veteran of crap like this Ryder Strong) doing a web-cam chat with his lady friend in Egypt.  Mind you, they never address how much this costs, especially given the distance involved.  He wakes up one morning to find her running around- apparently with a wireless web camera on her phone...I guess- and narrowly avoiding death.  She runs to the roof and shows that she has been infected with the virus.  A moment later, she is run down by a truck.  The film proper begins by establishing that everyone lives like they are in the middle of the great depression.  They are being given a lecture about how technology is evil and how we don't need it.  This lecture feels like it was torn right out Reign of Fire, but let's just go with it.  Our heroine is in the back and treating this like Linda Fiorentino did with The Lord's Prayer in Dogma.  Having our character act like a complete bitch in her first scene- golden!  Eventually, she discovers a beat-up laptop and turns it on.  Since she is not an adult in Pulse II, she doesn't treat it like the monkeys did the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

Instead, she starts talking to a man on the other end and decides to go to Detroit.  Yeah right, who would go to Detroit willingly?!?  She ends up at a farm and meets with a third-rate Ossie Davis.  He freaks out at the sight of her computer, but lets her stay...provided that it stays locked up.  She leaves in the morning, but is tricked by him and not given her laptop.  When she runs back, he smacks her in the face with a bat (ow!) and chains her up Black Snake Moan-style.  He decides to sacrifice her to the spirits that stay around his house, the main one being his dead wife.  However, when she appears, her only interest appears to be in pulling out a digital shotgun and killing herself...only to come back and do it again.  Eventually, she stops long enough to kill the man, but spares our heroine.  Not thrown off by this, she keeps going, but ends up at the home of Dressed In Red Man based on advice of her pen pal.  By the way, one scene of them talking via IM lasts about five minutes- scintillating!  Anyhow, in a plot point right out of I Am Legend, Dressed in Red Man has one of the ghosts locked up in a cell coated in red tape.  He locks our heroine in and gives a long speech.  Let's just fast-forward, shall we?

Basically, his whole thing is explaining that the random thing he got in Pulse II is designed to counteract the ghosts...which is why they're still here 10 years later.  He's part of a cabal that is going to wipe out the ghosts by nuking the Earth with about 84 bombs!  During his monologue, our heroine cuts a hole in the red tape and the thing attacks him in one of the worst green screen shots made for a commercial film.  She leaves and finally meets up with her digital pen pal, who turns out to be one of the ghost people too!  She uses some random doo-hickey she stole from Dressed In Red Man and turns him human.  When she asks him about his survival, the young woman learns that he killed everyone around him to protect himself.  This upsets her and she smashes the computer...finally.  He's now trapped in limbo again and she leaves with a dog she randomly picked up somewhere.  Out in the woods, the digital ghost of Red Man is back to get her and tackles her.  Before he can turn her, the bombs start to go off in the atmosphere and the E.M.P. effect wipes him out.  The film ends with bombs going off everywhere in a Dr. Strangelove fashion and our heroine talking about how the Mennonites will live on.  The End?

This movie is not good for a lot of reasons.  To start off, there is barely any real plot.  Our heroine is not exactly likable and endangers everyone on Earth with her crap.  She only leaves because she sees a guy get stabbed for using a phone.  On top of that, her random pit stops are just odd.  To make matters worse, barely any outdoors footage was shot on location and is, instead, bad green screen work.  In many ways, it is worse than in Pulse II, if only because they do use some real outdoor locations at times.  Looking back though, none of this is really a surprise.  We're dealing with the second Direct-to-DVD sequel to a sub-par remake of a foreign horror movie.  What should we expect- Rashomon?!?

Up next, I've got one more Fulci review for you.  No zombies here, folks.  Instead, you get...the Old West.  Stay tuned...

Oh Crap, I Forgot: Pulse II

In the time between watching the film and actually reviewing it, one major omission slipped by me.  Allow me to correct it now...

As the father escapes the city with his daughter, they run across a man trying to kill himself.  It is...John Gulager- the director Feast 1-3- standing on an overpass in his underwear.  We see the black markings on his leg that indicate his being tainted by the spirit...not that I want to see any of his pale skin.  He leaps down and smashes into the front of the SUV before turning into black ash.

This scene comes out of nowhere and adds nothing.  Did we really need the fat guy in his underwear?

On second thought, maybe I was just blocking it out.  Good luck getting that picture out of your head, by the way.

Blockbuster Trash: Pulse II

We're hitting upon the direct-to-DVD sequel territory now, the darkest area you can go to as a movie reviewer.  These things are usually lower-budget, lacking in stars and barely-related.  On top of that, you risk wandering into Remake-quel territory.  If you need any proof, I will sight 8MM 2 and Wargames 2: The Omega Code.  Thankfully, this is not one of those.  However, knowing what little I know about the American version of Pulse, I can barely say that this is a sequel.  Apparently, that movie ends with the ghosts all coming into our world.  This movie jumps on from there, but feels like something completely different.  It is sort of like how Feast was about people trapped in a bar, while Feast 2 involves a midget and some lesbian bikers running around a town.  I've stalled long enough, so let's dial up my review of...

Pulse 2: Afterlife

The film begins by meandering around with a few characters.  One woman wanders around in the wake of the internet ghost's invasion (although, the third film is the one that has the subtitle of Invasion).  Meanwhile, a man dresses up in all red and tapes his clothes on to his body.  Guys, want to explain any of this?  On top of that, we get nothing but the world's shittiest green screen work for minutes on end.  Seriously, Feast 2's rooftop scene looks like Avatar by comparison!  Finally, around the fifteen minute mark, we get a bit of an explanation...about the woman.  In regards to the red man, you're going to have to be patient.  The woman is looking for her daughter, who is apparently missing.  She thinks that she has found her, but the girl runs away.  I know- I was expecting a jump scare there too!  We also meet a man who is looking for a little girl as well, leading us to...another fake jump scare.  Does that make you clever?  Anyhow, the girl is the daughter of the man.  We learn through the man reading his wife's journal that she died.  Wait, she is an internet ghost too?  That makes everything you've shown me- entirely pointless.  Thanks.

*

The man takes his daughter to his cabin, but not before they are stopped by a gang of armed, fat guys.  They actually remind me of the people in the Family Guy episode centered around the Y2K disaster.  Good times!  At the cabin, the pair is joined by the man's girlfriend, whose first response is to bitch at him about not picking her up.  This coming from a lady who steals a car from a man who just exploded into ash and drives it to the cabin owned by the man whose family she split up.  Anyhow, the idiot guy brings his laptop, which turns itself on.  Oh my God, Windows 7 has become self-aware!  These people act like the apes from 2001 at this sight and spend nearly five minutes alternating between 'turn it off' and 'don't touch it.'  They manage to finally power it down, but the guy logs on later that night.  By the way, they get a signal out in the woods.  In the morning, our heroes try to get away, but the girlfriend gets her soul ripped out by the ghost/wi-fi wife.  The survivors flee, but get confronted by the red-suited man.  He explains that red is the only color that they cannot get through, since the Green Lantern rule is apparently in effect.

*

The weird man explains that he needs a certain component to create his something-or-other.  Do they explain it?  Nope.  Does this bit add anything?  Well, we get a long scene of our hero trying to scramble away from a ghost/download, but that's about it.  The guy leaves them with a spool of red tape and goes on his way.  See you in the third film, maybe...I don't know.  Around this time, the 'fat guys with guns' story wraps up when one of them goes to the cabin, only to find the topless ghost of the girlfriend.  Gee, I guess you failed to check the 'no nudity' clause.  She seduces the man, only to cover him in that goop from Spider-Man 3 and kill him.  The next night, they wrap the car up in red tape...which is weird even in context.  That morning, however, the girl sees the ghost of her mom and goes to see her.  Honey, you were there when your mom exploded into ash, so I think you realize that she died!  Fortunately, a bus shows up and promises to take them to a shelter that is Wi-Fi free.  This was set-up in the original Pulse, making this more like Pulse 1.5 or something.  They run through the field to the bus, but the ghost of mom shows up again.  After some tension, it spares the man.  He stands around too long, however, and the girlfriend ghost kills him.  Don't celebrate until you're safe, dumb-ass!  The girl gets away to live happily ever after...until Pulse 3: Invasion.

*

Yeah, this movie is bad.  While I have not seen Pulse- even I have some standards- I doubt that it would improve a thing.  If anything, I think it would make it worse.  For starters, I doubt the movie has green screen standing in for sets for the first half of it!  Secondly, that film focused on some young, target-demographic teens, while this one is about an unhappy couple, a dead lady and a little girl.  Plus, we're just settled in with the idea of ghosts invading us via the internet, so nobody wants to address this.  If you want to bring in people, you may have to explain your weird voodoo/Wi-Fi magic!  The movie hits all of the cliches of low-budget horror and nothing more.  While I can't vouch for the original Japanese film Kairo, it has to be better than this!

*

Next up, a film that I did just to prove a point to my friends.  They could not handle it, but could I?  Did it finally break me?  Stay tuned...