Quintology III: American Ninja V

It seems fitting to close out 2009 with the review of a film that closed out a popular 1980s film franchise. After four films, what kind of story can be left to tell? If you guessed 'a cliched tale of crime, drug dealers and ninjas,' then you would be a winner! Of course, anyone watching American Ninja 5 could hardly be considered a winner in anything. Here's the up-side though: David Bradley is back. Try to contain your joy for a moment, so I can continue. The film takes the series in a new direction, which is interesting. Of course, it is also the last film in the series, so this is a moot point. No more stalling! This is...

American Ninja V

The film begins with Mr. Bradley teaching karate to some children. Well, at least he wasn't teaching them acting! All of a sudden, Mr. Miyagi shows up! Actually, he is a different Japanese man, who is actually an old ninja. He drops his grandson off with our hero in order to get him in touch with his ninja roots. The boy, you see, is all about playing video games (on his giant Sega Game Gear) & not about flipping or killing. Can you imagine?!? So the young kid comes to stay on our hero's house-boat. Man, government jobs really don't pay that much. He gets hit on by a woman, although it takes him a while to figure it out. Are you really surprised by this? Ever the romantic, he has a private dinner with her...and the kid. The thing turns worse as the woman is kidnapped by ninjas before desert! Way to be a mood-killer. If you think that there is any reality in the film, it vanishes the second that our hero fights a series of ninjas as he walks down the docks. One chase scene later, both our hero and the kid end up on a plane headed for Venezuela. This can't end well.

*

So what is the evil villain's plot? Basically, he has some weird bio-weapon that he is making for some evil general. This series really makes you distrust military men, doesn't it? The problem is that the thing is not finished and the kidnapped scientist he got refuses to finish it. Want to guess who the girl is? That's right- his daughter! Our duo ends up getting split up and wandering around the city. Eventually, they rejoin and the kid gets a talking-to about how 'life is not a game.' Within five minutes of this scene, Bradley is fighting off a group of purple clad ninjas. Mixed messages, much? Incidentally, the kid in this movie is an actual martial artist (Lee Reyes) who does all of his own stunt work. Of course, his character has all the depth of a thimble. All of this amounts to a series of ninja fights that culminates in a battle at the enemy's base. Just to really drive the point home, the villain ties up an old man, a kid, the daughter and a puppy in a room that will fill with gas. Was that last one necessary, movie?!? The lead ninja villain is pretty damn ridiculous and all of the stunt choreography is as cliched as you would expect. They escape and go home, leading to Pat Morita's only other scene. Thanks for your three minutes, Miyagi. The whole thing ends with Bradley getting the girl and the kid doing a 'ninja vanish.' Hurray? The End.

*

This movie is really not good. There is nothing all that really bad about- it's just not good. The plot is basic and the acting is...well, what you expect. They sort of tease you with the idea that Pat Morita is going to be a main character and then just pull it away from you! Mind you, Pat was also in Bloosport II and III, so he did not always do 'good' movies. The problem with the movie relates to both it stars and its tone. The series tries to incorporate more kid-friendly aspects to it, such as ninjas being knocked out rather than killed. Bradley cannot carry a scene based on his personality and nobody else really has anything to work with. It is not the worst ninja film out there (those all have Godfrey Ho's name on them), but it is just supremely-underwhelming. I just miss Dudikoff even more. Come back to us! We'll be nice this time, I swear!

*

Next up, I begin the new year with a film about scanners, cops and melting bodies. That could only be one film...since I did Scanner Cop already. Stay tuned...

Quintology III: American Ninja 4

*I apologize for this being up late. I was just not up to finishing this last night. I felt like I was being scanned the whole time*

So what's new this time? Given the past history of the series, you know that something would be different. This time, we get to keep David Bradley (damn!), but we lose Steve James. While he is not the lead of the series, I have to question the idea of doing a film without him. The producers did not think that way, however, and pushed on. The big get of the series has always been the ninja action, so they figured that they could get by. However, there is some hope here- Michael Dudikoff is back. Depending on which story you believe, he came back because the shooting location was changed from South Africa...or he just needed the money. But wait, you're saying to yourself, this is American Ninja not American NINJAS! How will the producers work this out? Well, find out for yourself in my review of...

American Ninja 4: The Annihilation

The film begins by reintroducing us to our hero from the last film- Sean Cunningham...er, Davidson. When will you guys makes up your minds?!? Anyhow, he is now a CIA Agent, since most people who kicked Marjoe Gortner's ass in the 1980s got promotions. It was like a rite of passage to beat up that Brillo-haired man. As it turns out, there is a grave- and somewhat illogical- situation going on that he must attend to. Okay, try to keep up with me here. An evil British General (character actor James Booth) has teamed up with the evil Sheik Maksood to destroy New York City. This is back in 1990, mind you, when you could still do these stories without being eerie, not that terrorism was ever 'cool.' Anyhow, to help carry out their plans, they are also training an army of NINJAS! Okay, I'll be the one to ask this- why? Are you planning on red-suited ninjas flipping into the New York City subway system to drop off the bomb? Is the ability to vanish in a puff of smoke part of your master plan? So yeah, these guys must be stopped Davidson-Cunningham. Good thing he has some help in the form of a nurse. It's time to kick ass and...oh, they got captured. Never mind.

*

So yeah, the producer's solution to having two leads was to have one of them get capture less than halfway into the movie. Interesting choice, guys. Desperate, the military calls in Joe, who has apparently retired from the army in the mere three years since the last film he was in. The play up the 'I quit and will never come back' angle from Rambo III (which came out first), but that ends when Joe is told about the evil ninja behind it all. Back in the bad guy's camp, the movie amps up the 'evil quotient' by having the British man attempt to rape our heroine and revealing that he killed her father. Okay, movie, we get it! Packing up his silliest ninja outfits, Joe goes to save the day. With the help of some rebels, the tide begins to turn. By the way, if you ever wanted to see what someone who is only doing a movie under protest looks like, check out Dudikoff here. He is more 'zombie' than man here, even managing to look bored while fighting ninjas! In the end, everyone gets something to do. Joe beats up the Ninja leader (of course), Sean kills the Brit and even Sean's partner- who is so forgettable that I'm only mentioning him now- gets to blow up the Sheik's helicopter. Everyone who is evil in this country is now dead. The End.

*

Yeah, this movie has some real problems. Having two leads is something that most movies can handle. For example, Crimson Rivers has Jean Reno and Vincent Cassel. They investigate their two cases for the first forty minutes or so before meeting up and realizing that their cases are related. Instead, our movie has to make one of them look bad and have the original hero of the series come back to save everyone. It's not even really balanced out all that much, since the ninja villain (and most of the ninjas themselves) are dispatched by Dudikoff. It's like 'here- you can have what I don't feel like killing.' The pacing of the movie is also made odder by this choice, since it builds up an area, has Bradley fight and then has to stop to reintroduce Dudikoff. Have you heard of momentum, guys? On the plus side, the movie does have Dudikoff catch an arrow with his teeth, which is as funny and ridiculous as it sounds. I still recommend staying with the first two films, although this movie does have some fun parts at the end. Overall though, it is actually weaker than most of the series because of having two leads.

*

Up next, I conclude the Quintology with a film that dares to ignore every other film in the series. Hey guys, you know this is actually the FIFTH film, right? Stay tuned...

Quintology III: American Ninja 3

Do you want to know how to take the winds out of a movie franchise's sails? How about you drop your lead actor and try to replace him after two movies? That would work. Actually, there are conflicting and varied reports on why Dudikoff bailed on this movie. One says that he did not want to be type-cast, which doesn't really hold up (you'll see why). The more logical one, however, is the fact that all of the Ninja films were made in South Africa during a time where it was not exactly popular to do so. Supposedly, he feared the backlash for doing another film there and said 'no.' Regardless of that, we still have Steve James...dammit. On top of that, we have an interesting actor playing the lead villain, even if his barely-there career was on the down-swing. Before I scare any more of you of, I will bring you...

American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt

The film begins by introducing us to our new hero: Sean Cunningham. Make note of his name for later. Anyhow, this guy is a shorter man with black hair, but still possesses the dead eyes and vacant expression required to be an American Ninja. He is joined by Steve James' character, who is known as the Master of Swords. I'm sorry, but did he ever even pick up a sword in the first two movies? No, I didn't think so. Anyhow, both of them are in town for a karate tournament. Gee, I hope ninjas don't get involved in this. Meanwhile, an evil man is making plans to do some, well, evil. That man: Marjoe Gortner! Well, the movie does have one thing going for it. Does this karate tournament really add anything to the plot? No, not really. It does, however, give us a magazine cover touting our star's prowess in the circuit. However, his name is listed as Sean Davidson! Well, at least this shot is not in the trailer. Oh crap, it is!

*

How does this plot involve ninjas, you ask? Well, they...show up and fight our heroes. Actually, they are the minions of the evil Marjoe Gortner, who is known as The Cobra. Hmm, a villain from the 1980s and his name is Cobra. Gee, I wonder what their inspiration was?!? Anyhow, he is experimenting on people as well and trying to make some weird formula. If you are getting a feeling of deja vu here, it's not just you. Anyhow, we get a bunch of scenes with our heroes fighting ninjas that don't really add anything. On the plus side, they are awesome...in that they are so hideously stupid and funny. One of my favorite moments comes from when our hero catches two arrows, does a tumble and stabs the offending ninjas with their arrows. However, his poor friend gets shot to death while he shows off. Poor Bastards of Cinema, anyone? Incidentally, all you fans of the great SNL skit where ninjas plan out their attacks better, the ending footage is from this movie! I feel smarter for knowing that, don't you? Oh yeah, the bad guy infects our hero with a virus too. I should probably have mentioned that, shouldn't I?

*

The rest of the movie is a whole bunch of silliness, even in comparison to the rest of the film. Sean gets captured by the enemies, as does a female ninja/love interest of sorts. Steve James' character shows up with, I guess, the Phillipines' National Guard to kill some soldiers. You get the usual stuff- people flipping from explosions, people fall over with squibs all over them, etc. Bradley has a long, silly fight with some ninjas after they do a 'show of their skills' bit. He wins, in spite of the lead ninja's bright red outfit. If I wanted colorful ninjas, I would watch a Godfrey Ho film...and then kill myself. Anyhow, he battles some more ninjas who simply appear after the lights flash out for a second. It has to be seen to be believed...which it can be done here. I would be remiss without mentioning the whole plot thread with the female ninja whose masks fool everyone...until the movie decides that she has to be caught. Score one for lazy writing! The best moments are still Steve James' fight scenes, especially the ones where you can see the stuntmen pause to wait for his next move. The villain dies and the day is saved...for now. The End.

*

This movie is good...for what it is. The story is bare-bones and mostly just an excuse to string together action scenes. As deadpan as Dudikoff was, Bradley has him beat! In fact, I would almost say that Gary Daniels has more personality than he does! Marjoe and Steve are the only two who really muster up enough personality to keep the movie going. You aren't here for characters though, are you? You are here to watch ridiculous action scenes involving ninjas and muscular men. In that regard, this movie delivers in spades. In pretty much every other regards, it is inferior to the previous films. If you go in expecting much, you will be disappointed. If you enjoy disappointment, follow me on the short journey through parts 4 and 5 of the series.

*

Next up, just that thing I said. Now without Steve James...for some reason. Whose idea was that again? Stay tuned...

Quintology III: American Ninja 1 & 2

Since Sunday proved to be a busy day for me and my main review did not get done, you get a DOUBLE FEATURE. You're welcome.

These films were the brainchild of Golan and Globus, two people that really defined action movies for the 1980s. If you are not familiar with the name, they are the guys who brought Chuck Norris into the mainstream with Good Guys Wear Black, Firewalker and other films that nobody remembers. They are also the company responsible for such classic comic book/cartoon films such as Masters of the Universe, Captain America (not the TV ones) and Superman IV: The Quest For Peace. But I'm not here to talk about those movies...yet. Instead, I am going to talk about a series that defined the 1980s video market- the American Ninja series! This film series that originally-starred Michael Dudikoff was almost called American Warrior. Good change, guys. Well, let's just dive right into...

American Ninja

The film is all about our man Joe (Dudikoff). He is a soldier, but he does not exactly have the 'go get 'em' attitude that you would think. Basically, he enlists because his choice was either that or prison. If any of you have seen Life, you know that he made the right call! His skill-set comes into play when his platoon is attacked by soldiers as they guard a weapon's cache. Oh and just for fun, the general's daughter is with them. All goes well until NINJAS show up. I should mention that this movie is set in the Phillipines, shouldn't I? He saves the girl and we get the usual 'hero has a romance with the film's lone woman' plot point. When he returns to the base, he is not given a hero's welcome. They call him 'a coward' and want to punish him, even though he did save the general's daughter. As John Travolta can tell you, that is not easy! Oh and the master of the ninja's vows revenge. The title line does take place, but feels really forced and made solely for trailer's. Should I be surprised?

*

Around this time, we are introduced to one of the coolest guys ever to be put on film (and he knew it): Steve James. Before his death of pancreatic cancer (it strikes again!) in 1993, he put on some of the most awesome movie performances ever, even if Uta Hagen would tear them apart. He plays another soldier who is bested by Joe at a martial arts contest, in spite of Joe having a bucket on his head. They become friends and join forces to battle the evil businessman who is selling weapons to terrorists and the evil ninja clan. A lot of action ensues and we learn some back-story on Joe. Basically, his parents were killed and he was raised by a good ninja. An explosion separated them and gave our hero amnesia (of course!), but his training stuck with him. Blah, blah, blah, ninjas die and the day is saved. There is a little more plot than this, but not enough to really merit attention. The End.

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

After being accused of cowardice two times, betraying orders and killing his officers, Joe- along with Steve James- is promoted to being an Army Ranger. Man, the military is screwed up! The film begins with our heroes being sent to a lovely island in the Phillipines to help out the Marines with a problem. Cliched lines about the Army being better than the Marines- big check! They meet up with a nice Marine who becomes their buddy/comedy relief. By the way, Joe's girlfriend from the first film plays no part in this movie- continuity be damned! Anyhow, the problem that they are having is that Marines are go missing while out on patrol. Of course, in spite of this, our heroes go to a beach. Given the movie you are watching, it should come as no surprise that they are attacked by NINJAS. Are these the same ones from before? No. Apparently, there is a serious ninja outbreak in the Phillipines! Back on the mainland, they run into a woman who knows all about the problem, but she runs into some trouble of her own. I smell a fight scene!

*

The evil plot involves a scientist who is kidnapping the Marines and turning them into super-soldiers. If you want to maintain a low-profile, maybe you should not kidnap military personnel! One of the corrupt Marines tries to talk, but does the stupidest thing in the world: stand by an open window as you turn on your evil boss! Yeah, he dies. The woman manages to be able to help them, since her father is one of the scientists that is forced to work for the evil crime lord, who is known as 'The Lion.' Since nobody believes their story (they have zero proof BTW), our heroes must go to the island themselves. This sets up a scene where our heroes fly a tiny plane and fill in some shots that are tailor-made for a trailer. The funny part too is that you never see them in the vehicle when it moves- you only hear their voices. Not surprisingly, our heroes kick tons of ass and save the day. That pretty much goes without saying, doesn't it?

*

These movies are great, mindless fun. The plots are silly ideas used solely to string together action scenes. As the series progresses, this becomes more and more true. The first film has a more layered plot, although the characterizations are about as complex as an Atari game. The second film is pretty much a cash-in and does not try to hide it. The pairing of James and Dudikoff worked really well, which makes it a shame that they only made three films together. As a side note, Dudikoff has not made a movie since 2002's Quicksand. Come back to us, you stoic bastard! Like I said in the review, I love Steve James' performances in every film, even when they are crap. The man chewed up more scenery than Orson Welles chewed up frozen green peas! If you go in expecting quality, you will be sorely disappointed. If you go in expecting some cheesy fun, you will have a blast.

*

Next up, we get the third film in the series. Unfortunately, something is missing from this movie. Fortunately, it is not Steve James. Stay tuned...