Buy the DVD!: Willard (2003) and its Glorious Music Video

 I liked the 2003 Willard Remake for the most part.

Sadly, we won't get a Sequel Remake in the form of Ben (at least based on the Theatrical Cut's Ending)

However, the DVD itself gives us a bunch of Special Features (like the usual Trailers, Commentary, etc.).

Highlighted here is the Music Video they made for 'Ben' (which itself is covered by Crispin Glover).

He walks out on a Stage and sings to the Rat, which sits on a pillow.

The Audience is full of fancy people, as well as many silly looking ones too.

We also see the Cast playing different roles here...which is confusing.

Shockingly, this 'Captain Crunch' Cameo alongside R. Lee Ermey is not the weirdest one.

As the song goes on (mind you, it is only about 2:30), rats start to appear in the crowd, women undress down to fancy lingerie and they seem to really enjoy each other's company.

There's no GOOD time for someone to walk in on you watching this, but this is by far the worst time.

As the Song comes to a climax- pun fully intended- a bunch of rats swarm onto the stage with Willard.

This effect is less, well, realistic, no?

Oh and in the midst of all of the chaos, a Hitler Cameo.

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

The Song comes to an end and Willard floats up via obvious wire.

That's an intentionally fake-looking effect mind you- this time.

So what is weirder than Crispin Glover singing a Michael Jackson Song?  The video for it, of course.

It is Crispin Glover- is this a surprise?

Oh and if you're too lazy to/not interested in finding a 20 year old DVD to watch this, it is on YT...in 240p.

Just Buy the DVD!

Fiction vs. Fiction: Stephen King's Graveyard Shift (1990)

 A long-delayed look at a forgettable Film and a slightly-more forgettable Short Story from Stephen King.

Seeing another Story with a giant rat creature reminded to finally talk about this one.

See what happens when rats and men meet at work...

****VS****

What's the Same?

The core of the Story is the same in both the Film and Short Story.  A group of workers at a Mill have a problem with Rats.  The Boss is also a jerk.

A group of them go down into the Basement to clean it out and find more than just the normal whiskered rodents down there.

One of them is a bat-rat hybrid that is quite a bit too big to just throw a can at.

In said Basement, the Boss is killed and...

What's Different?

...so is our Hero.  Only the two of them actually go down there in the original Story.

In the Film, we get a few of them to fill up the kill quota.
There's also a Love Interest, who tragically dies down there with them.   
She has no equivalent in the Short Story.

In the Film, our Hero is the lone survivor and makes it to the surface...so he can have a big face-off with the rat-bat monster.

In the Short Story, the others stay up on the surface and are blissfully-unaware of the Monsters as they prepare to go down to look for the 2, ending the Story on a downer.

To pad the runtime out, the Film has a few set-up kills- including a man who our Hero is hired to replace- and one of them is pretty cruel (a woman who rejects the Boss' advances is killed).

They also add a fun- but unnecessary- Character in the form of Brad Dourif's Exterminator.
He has a few Scenes and dies, not really impacting the Plot as a whole.

Thanks for...being in the Film, I guess.

Final Thoughts

The Film is...alright.  It is a pretty basic Creature Feature that I watched last year, kind of remember and didn't keep.  It was worth the $2 I paid for it at Goodwill though.

The Short Story is less fleshed out- since, you know, it is like 30 pages long- and gives you a good taste of a bigger Story.

If the Film had been changed less (and done better), it would be a great segment in a Stephen King Anthology like Cat's Eye or a Creepshow-style Film.  As a stand-alone, it's...not that impressive.

Night Shift has a bunch of fun, crazy Short Stories in it to enjoy. 
Stick with that for now.

'90s Trash?: Graveyard Shift (1990)

 No matter how bad your 4th of July Weekend could have been, it can't be worse than this! 

This is Stephen King's Graveyard Shift, a 1990 Horror Film.  The titular Director doesn't like the Film.  He didn't like The Shining or Children of the Corn either.  Is it as good as those Films?  Eh, no.  The Plot involves a group of people, lots of rats, a strange creature and a Mill.  What a fun combo.  Its Director- Ralph S. Singleton- only has 2 Credits to his name (as a Director).  It is 2 Episodes of Cagney & Lacey and this.  Yep. 

His Resume is more interesting when you factor in his Credits as some sort of Production Manager (Unit/Location/etc).  This way, you can lump together such Films as Captain America II: Death Too Soon, Harlem Nights and The French Connection.  Sure- why not?!? 

As far as the Cast goes, we have Brad Dourif, Stephen Macht and Andrew Divoff.  The Stars of Child's Play, Amityville (1992: It's About Time) and Wishmaster united! 

To find out how this Story that is less than 20 pages long can translated into a 90 minute Film, read on...

In a Cold Open, a man working in a Textile Mill kills some rats (that always linger about) before something makes him fall into the Machine and get killed.

A wanderer ('That Guy' Actor David Andrews) ends up in Town and is just looking for some work.

A man- Stephen Macht- who runs the Mill (who's an asshole) hires him, but he's got some drama.

He's hitting on one woman (who ignores it) and dates another, who he proceeds to treat like crap.

Stealing the Show for a pair of major Scenes, Brad Dourif is an Exterminator who deals with some of the rats, but eventually gets killed.

Oh well- he was fun and mostly-pointless.

As the work goes on, random people are killed by the Rats and some sort of POV creature that they tease.

What is it?!?

Our Hero and a group of workers get bonus pay for working over the July 4th Weekend cleaning out the long-messy Basement of the Building.

What could go wrong?

They find a Sub-Basement, get attacked by the creature and discover what appears to be at least a Century's worth of human remains.

Oh.

Also the Boss kills our Hero's Girlfriend, since, pathos.

The Boss and the Creature have a big showdown...which ends in seconds.

I mean, it is a normal man with a knife against an 8-foot Bat/Rat Creature.  What did you expect?

Since it is a Horror Film, our Hero's escape is short-lived as the Creature shows up for One Last Hurrah.

After some tense moments, he activates the machine via Pepsi Slingshot and kills it, making the Film come full-circle (as it knocked that first guy into it at the beginning). 
The End.

A fun, but pretty nothing bit of horror fluff.  Graveyard Shift does nothing new.  Graveyard Shift isn't riddled with errors and gaffs.  Somewhere in that glorious, boring middle lies stuff like this.  The Acting is fine. 
Dourif does well with his limited time, while it interesting to see Divoff just plain 'lose his shit' here.  He's always so measured and controlled in Films, so it's a bit like that Scene from the '90s Body Snatchers where Forrest Whitaker breaks down (and retroactively loses his future Oscar). 
Andrews is fine, if unimpressive as our Lead.  He's just so generic. 
Macht as the Boss has some Character, but doesn't evolve beyond Asshole Boss.  It's weird how the Film can't decide if the deaths are some form of punishment (like horny teens dying in Slasher Films) or tragic losses (like in non-Slasher Films). 
The scorned (and physically abused) Girlfriend falls down some stairs and gets eaten alive.  Yea?  Boo? 
The strong woman who works with Andrews (and almost makes the Film pass the Bechdel Test) is just straight-up stabbed and dies.  Boo.. right? 
Some of them (like Token Black Guy) get mean, prolonged deaths for no reason, while others are killed in a flash. 
Is there a message or was there just a kill quota? 

As to why King doesn't like the Film, well, I'll get into that in a future Fiction vs. Fiction (UPDATE- It only took me 15 Months!). 

For now, just know that Graveyard Shift is a decent Horror Film and nothing more, in spite of my love of retro Pepsi Logos.

Next time, I go back to the Black and White Era to cover a long-owned Film.  Will I find a John Carradine Film that IS NOT embarrassing?  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Gnaw- Food of the Gods, Part 2

Years ago, I reviewed this Film.  It was bad.

To be fair, it was a Sequel to Food of the Gods.  It was always going to suck.

That said, Thailand gave us this...

Nice one!

The Film still sucked though.

Rare Flix: Night Eyes/Deadly Eyes

The Rats are coming!  The Review is here.  Today's Film is Deadly Eyes aka Night Eyes, a 1982 Horror Film about some familiar vermin.  This is all about Rats- big, ugly ones!  This is yet another Killer Animals Film based on a Book, although this one doesn't come to us from the 1970s.  Sorry, you're more in line with Slugs, Beaks than Bug or Night of the Lepus.  Is that an insult?  I'll get back to you on that.  This Film comes with a note from its original Author- it's bad.  He didn't like the Film apparently, but I guess the check still cashed.  The Director is notable- Robert Clouse.  The man who brought us Enter the Dragon and Jackie Chan's first big Film in America- Battle Creek- also made a Film about killer rats- go figure.  This fact was apparently not known by any of the Cast Members, which is odd when you consider that it was only 4 years past Game of Death's U.S. Release.  Ouch.  So yeah, the Plot involves vaguely-mutant Rats and a romantic love-triangle that is all sort of padding.  To find out if this is a lost Classic or something that your cat buried, read on...

Mutant Rats enter NYC via some tainted grain full of pesticides and steroids.  Thanks alot, Vince McMahon!

Our Hero is this Teacher, who has a girl in his Class with a crush on him.  She's subtle.

Here's something you probably didn't see coming...

After teasing that this kid is in danger several times, they...actually kill the kid in this Story!  Seriously!  They also kill the Responsible Teen, the same kind who'd live to the end in a Slasher Film.

The girl makes a move on the Teacher and he does his best to keep her away.  Try harder!

Meanwhile, the Rats continue their onslaught on the young, old and feeble.  Only one Teen so far!

To help the Film reach 90 minutes, he then hooks up with the lady who stopped the shipment from coming in originally.  For such a big City, it sure is small!

As the Film starts to wrap up, we get a bunch of people killed by Animals in the Subway.

Wait- this was also in Wild Beasts!  What are the odds?!?

The Film give us the Corman-Bay combo- giant explosion and burning the set down.

Our Heroes- he ditches the young girl, by the way- get the Subway started again and drive it to the next stop, revealing the Rats to everyone.  Aren't they also going to get them killed?

Oh well- the Film is over.  The End.

Where does this rank among the killer Rat Films?  Deadly Eyes is a pretty solid Film, even if the Plot doesn't ever deviate too much from the norm and is a bit padded.  The Rat effects are actually pretty convincing, even if they basically used the same trick from The Killer Shrews.  The Film apparently has a sort-of-Remake from 2002 and that just uses CG.  At least that Film has the weird notoriety of being bumped from TV on its original air date- September 11, 2001.  Ouch.  Anyhow, this one is still really not that great, but it at least deserves more than being a hard-to-find Film online.  In many ways, it is similar to stuff like those German Rat Films I covered long ago.  If you can accept the pretty stock Plot, the Film has some genuinely-good Effects (I know- I was shocked too) and a few surprises in store.  It also has some nice, dated moments like the Hero's kid watching the B.C. Cartoon and...people making out while watching Game of Death...

Next up, an even more Rare Film that isn't even on the 'big' sites.  Is it truly a hidden gem?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Willard (1971)

In Mondo Bizarro tradition, I cover the original Classic years after the knock-offs.  

Before we got more killer rats (twice), people with spiders and a Chinese guy with snake pals, we get the Film that started it all.  

The reason for this gap: Willard is hard to find.  I saw someone with a Midnite Movies 2-Pack of Willard and Ben, but those went out-of-print years ago.  I'm sad.  

Thanks to a site who's name I won't mention (just in case), I was finally able to watch the original Film.  Yes, I do know that there is a Remake from 2003 and I will get to it later (Update: 9 years later, it seems).  

In the Film, a socially awkward man finds some new friends in some little rats.  However, his crappy life threatens to turn even crappier.  When his life starts to fall apart, how will he react?  

If you guessed 'killer rat attacks,' then you guessed right.  Good for you.  Have a chocolate bar.  To find out how it all plays out, read on...

Willard (a pre-X-Men Bruce Davison) is living in a big house with his Mother, but his Dad is dead.  

On top of that, his Boss is a jerk...

...and stole the company from Willard's dad.  Damn you, Borgnine!

At least he has his new rat friends.

Fun Fact: the 2003 Remake used photos of Davison from the 1971 Film as new Willard's Dad.  

Neat.

Did I mention that Willard REALLY loves his new friends?  Because, well, he does.  ALOT!

He even starts to take them to work- although it is mainly just Ben and Socrates.

Things start to take a turn for the better- in spite of his Mother dying- when he finds a kindred soul at work.  

Naturally, this can't last.

It doesn't.  

The Boss wants him to sell the House to make some Condos (some things never change!) and fires him to help expedite the process.  

He also fires the Temp/Love Interest, but that could be a coincidence.

Willard gets desperate and angry.  

This culminates in him siccing his now-large rat army on Borgnine and killing him.  

Still better than starring in Laser Mission.

Unfortunately, all 'good things' must come to an end as Willard tries to get rid of the rats when he thinks that he can now live a new life without them.  Plus, they would tie him to the murder.

Ben takes this badly and sicks the rat army on him, killing Willard.  

Plus, he wanted his own Film.  

Starring Role, bitches!  The End.

After all this time, it is...pretty good.  Bear in mind that I'm watching it about 43 years after it was made, so my experience is different.  

For Audiences back in this Film's heyday, it was certainly shocking in a lot of ways.  Seeing animals actually attack people was a pretty big novelty for the time and this would certainly inspire others.

Would we get Jaws without this Film?  Probably.  

Even so, the success of this Film was so great that a bunch of imitators/inspired films would appear.  On the plus side, this one has less visible murder of Animals than Food of the Gods or Killer Snakes.  The Film is a pretty nice Character Piece, even if it has all of the makings of a medium-budget TV Movie.  

To be fair, of course, the Version I found was a VHS-Rip, so it is possible that there are nicer-looking Prints out there (there are now, thankfully).  Willard is a big piece of Film History, even if it isn't remembered as well as stuff like Jaws, nor is it treated as such.  

Seriously, why did I have to go to a Streaming Site to watch the Film?  Is there a Rights Issue? 

In summary, it is worth a look if you haven't seen the origin of stuff like Food of the Gods or Kiss of the Tarantula (not to be confused with Black Belly of the Tarantula).  

As for how it matches up to the Remake, well, I'll find out soon enough (again- 9 years later).  In the meantime, enjoy the Italian Poster...

Up next, I cover a Film that has been a long time coming for Halloween.  What happens when you mix Audience Confusion, Robots and the Druids?  Stay tuned...

WTF Germany?!?: Scratch

My short history with German killer rat films has been tumultuous.  I bet that's the first time you've heard that sentence before, huh?  Last month, my plan was to watch the two films: Revenge of the Rats and today's film.  As the month was approaching it's close, this film was not becoming available, continuing to stay at Short Wait status on Netflix.  I had to think on my feet for a bit and make it all work out.  Nearly a month later, you're being graced with the sequel.  For those who didn't read it, a brash commando unit has to stop an invasion of killer rats.  In the end, the day was saved, but one rat was left with a nest & seemed to vow revenge...at least, as well as a CG rat can.  In this film, that sequel-bait is ignored and rats show up somewhere else.  Don't you just love lazy writing?  I have to address one thing briefly here: Netflix's confusion.  Revenge is listed as being made in 2006, while this film is listed as being made in 2001!  Either the Germans invented time travel, wasted it on this and forgot about OR Netflix needs a new editor.  Anyhow, this film could be the Black Plague or just a cheese-eater.  Find out in my review of...

The movie begins in typical serial killer fashion by giving us a pointless kill scene.  It involves a woman in her house that's randomly outside of the village.  It would at least make things more interesting if you explained why she was there, movie.  Was she a witch?  Anyhow, she ignores her dog and dies when rats fall from the roof and into her bath.  Pointless nudity- check.  Pointless death- check.  Victim who can't simply climb out of a tub- big check!  Let's ignore that for a while and reintroduce our hero from the first film.  He wakes up late and uses his police power to borrow a helicopter, stop traffic and get his daughter-in-law onto a bus for her trip to camp.  You're really testing the famous leniency and patience of the German military, you know!  After that, he heads out to a small village for a trip.  By the way, say good-bye to the little girl, save for one scene in the finale.  Our story cuts to a bunch of men in military outfits and shooting each other.  As it turns out, this is a company retreat and it's led by our gun-toting hero from the first film and his buddy.  They leave, but not before making a very off-color joke.  When the man complains about how embarrassing the executives are, his buddy counters by saying 'you did what we've been trying to do for 60 years- make people not scared of the Germans.'  Ouch.  Anyways, they drive out to the same town and meet up with our hero.  The reason for their trip: their other buddy is getting married.

Their friend is the Mayor of this tiny village and could not be happier to get married.  His bachelor party is disrupted by a call up to the house from Scene 1, since the dog has gone crazy and it apparently used to be his.  Um, just have him be called because he's the Mayor, movie- this just seems silly!  They have to kill the dog, but are more disturbed by the idea of rats.  They talk to a scientist who explains that he's not seen anything.  In the next scene, we find out that he was lying and is actually a scientist who's been working on a way to kill rats.  Why hide this?  Who knows?  His assistant lost some of the test subjects and tried to hide this face.  The man runs off to catch his old rats & never to be seen alive again.  Our heroes find some proof of the rats, but our gun-toting friend finds time for something else.  He runs across a tiny woman who calls him out, leading to him explaining that he sees guns as a replacement for women, not his own phallus.  How is that different exactly?  She sticks around for no reason, which will come in handy later.  Our heroes finally figure out that the rats are real when they attack the groom-to-be.  They figure that the rats will be at the Knackery (a building where dead bodies are mass-cremated) and they're..right.  Our heroes try to escape the CG swarm, but our main hero dies.  That's right- they kill him off.

Our remaining heroes try to get over this random and sudden loss, but don't do that well.  The gun-toting guy (now the lead hero by default) tries to figure out the scientist's random notes by...well, staring at them.  Even he realizes how dumb this is, but just keeps going.  He gets upset with the whole situation and just blows up the Knackery with a rocket launcher.  I'd complain about this randomness, but it's just too awesome.  When the sun goes down, the rats attack the village.  Thankfully, our gun-toting hero and his non-girlfriend are there to save a young couple and a weird army veteran.  Eventually, they figure out what is going on.  The rats were genetically-engineered to die when the temperature drops low enough, which causes them to attack when it does.  Their plan is simple: making one place warm, lure the rats in and blow it up.  Naturally, the trigger doesn't work when everything is in place.  Our gun-toting hero goes down, fixes the wires and tosses a grenade into the room.  He manages to outrun the flooding water and save the day.  After the funeral, the wife of our good, dead hero lets him have the man's car & he drives off with his now-girlfriend.  The End.

This movie is...about the same as the first one. The plot is silly, the acting is stiff and the effects are not that good.  I should point out that the movie is only available with a dubbed audio track, so my comments on the acting could be negligible.  I say that, of course, with the assumed knowledge that it still probably sucks.  The plot is interesting in theory, but just comes across as silly.  So many of the ideas are just pointlessly-silly.  Did it really have to be the guy's old dog?  Did we really need the couple to get together after that scene?  Did we really need that monologue in the first place?  I have to address the biggest part though: the special effects.  Their CG rats always look like CG rats and are never once convincing.  This is especially true when you get to see real rats move around.  In many ways, it's as jarring as seeing the bit from 2012 where our heroes are trapped in real water, after seeing 90 minutes of nothing but CG water.  Plus, why would you kill your main hero like that?  I could see doing it in the opening scene a la Nightmare on Elm Street/Halloween to set up the idea of 'nobody is safe.'  Doing it right at the hour mark just reeks of pure silliness.  Good-bye, guy who looked like the host of Dinner: Impossible- your stiff acting will be missed.  Unless you really like Germany, rats and bad writing, you can skip this one.

Up next, Stephen King's only book-to-film adaptation he directed is up to bat.  Is he Michael Crichton from Westworld or from Runaway.

Mask-Off: Phantom of the Opera (1998)

I must first state two things at the start of this review. First off, I really love Dario Argento's films as a whole. His flair, sense of storytelling and use of camera work is amazing. Secondly, I heard nothing but bad things about this movie before I watched it. Based on what people said, it would be worse than The Stendhaal Syndrome (the only Argento film released on DVD by Troma!) and Trauma (which I still have not seen). How could it be this bad? It's directed by 'The Maestro of Gore' and stars Julian Sands, who is a very underrated actor in genre films! Sure, it stars Asia Argento in the lead, but is this really another case of The Godfather Part III? Let's find out in my review of...

Il Fantasma dell'opera

And yes, I do think that using the Italian title makes me seem clever. Thanks for noticing.

For better or for worse, the film deviates from the source material very early on. Of course, this is still nothing when compared to the final Phantom film I have for you tomorrow. Our Phantom is an orphan left in the sewers and raised by rats. No, they don't ever explain exactly how that works. One time-jump later and we have Julian Sands lurking in the sewers. Through some exposition, we learn that it is dangerous to go down there because everyone is killed when they wander in. Why? Because rats are killed when they wander to the surface. It's just karma! Through spying, he discovers a young opera singer (Asia) and is instantly attracted. Fortunately, he is telepathic and begins to communicate with her. What? You find this to be odd? I don't know why. I should also note that this Phantom is not scarred in any physical. Emotionally- he's obviously in a bad place. The conflict comes into play when a local lord has it in for our heroine as well. Our young woman is conflicted- who can she love? Will it be the man who can give her everything or the bad guy from The Medallion? Choices, choices.

One thing that is quite noticeable is that Argento did not cast a classically-trained opera singer as the lead...well, opera singer. Of course, we all know why he cast who he did. To be fair, she does lip sync pretty convincingly. Another change is that he does not help her learn to be a better singer. Why this omission is made is completely beyond me. I have never been one to question Argento's ways. Well, okay, I do question why he casts his daughter in the lead when said role 'requires' there to be a rape scene of sorts (both in Stendhaal and this film). Then again, this is the guy who had his eldest daughter 'killed off' in the beginning of Phenomena and has 'killed' his ex-wife on at least three occasions.

The climax of the film is pretty much what you would expect, although with an interesting twist or two. The Phantom actually sends Asia and the royal off to safety as he dies in battle with the police. Why? Because he is afraid that they will kill her off now that they know she has been involved with himself. Incidentally, he actually gives up on Asia and lets her be with the other man. This is another change in the story that you just sort of have to deal with. Dramatically, the pair row off to safety as our heroine cries out in anguish. The End.

I may get some flack for this, but I did not hate this movie. Is it as good as Suspiria or Tenebre? No, not really. Is it a bit silly that Asia plays the lead role here? Maybe a little. I think Julian Sands did a really good job in his role, despite it being a departure from the usual version we get. One curious thing is that the 80s version is actually bloodier than this one. To be fair, the atmosphere and setting is much better done in this version though. It is helped by not actually being shot on a Universal sound stage or anything like that. Moments in the film have the Argento flourish, but many of them are just dirty and grimy. The film is mostly set in a sewer though. Anyone who thinks that Argento has lost his touch in the wake of this film needs to watch The Mother of Tears or Do You Like Hitchcock. Even at nearly 70, the man has still got it. Everyone just has bad times, even directors of classic films. Does Alexander ring a bell?

To finish out the trilogy, one more classically-trained director takes his shot at the tale. This one does have singing...just not the kind that you would think. Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Rats

Bruno Mattei was not a good director. Up until his death in 2007, he was directing crap film after crap film. His last film is the classic Zombie: The Beginning. But, before he directed films like that and skin flicks for Italy, he made a classic film alongside his buddy Claudio Fragrasso. It dared to rip off two different genres at once in a hilarious mess of a film. Behold the glory and splendor of...

Rats: Night of Terror

There is no correlation between this and Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror. That is probably obvious, but still bears mentioning. Plus, I want to plug this review again for the Final Girl site. That is all.

*

The movie begins with a long prologue explaining the backstory of the film. In 2015, the world was nearly destroyed by nuclear war. I guess five years after we make contact, two years after a giant flood, but three years before the world is overrun by terminators, all hell broke loose. People fled underground for hundreds of years and eventually started to come out again. Our heroes are a bunch of bikers who do just that. They find a house that is perfect: food, supplies and absolutely no people around. What could possibly go wrong?

*

They quickly discover a few dead bodies and the constant presence of rats. Well, it's not like there is any correlation between scavengers being around a place full of corpses. Much like Frogs, the film is obsessed with constantly showing shots of the animals wandering around. It is not really scary or effective in any way. We learn that many experiements were being done here, but we won't find out what until later. In the meantime, we get a scene of two people having sex in a sleeping bag and being mocked by their friends when they get stuck. This feels like stupid padding, but is actually really bad foreshadowing. You see, the lady gets stuck in it later as a rat his way from 'lady hole' to mouth. Ow.

*

Our 'heroes' figure out that something is up...eventually. In the meantime, they wander around the place and get picked off for a while. One guy even gets killed by a pile of falling rats. No, really. The rat leader, meanwhile, is a more interesting character. Like the leader from Frogs (the comparisons are just that easy to make), he does nothing save for look away from camera. He is a half-white, half-black rat though. Fortunately for our heroes, they find a flamethrower, the solution to all of life's problems. Somehow, the people still managed to get killed. We get the 'he's alive- let's just turn him around and OH NO, he's dead' shot about three times here as well. That really only works once, Bruo. Of course, most of them would have lived if they could have stopped bickering for five damn seconds.

*

I will spoil the *shock* ending here. If you want to be surprised, skip to the end.

*

Only two people make it, one of them, strangely enough, is the only black actor. Suck on that, the one cliche not used here! We keep getting cuts of mysterious men in Hazmat suits walking around and killing the rats in the surrounding area. This is also preceded by some weird recording of experiments on rats being discussed. Finally, our heroes are rescued. But their rescuers are mute- why? One of them pulls off this gas mask to reveal...a giant rat face! Rat people have taken over the Earth! Aargh! The End.

*

This movie is freaking ridiculous. Much like Hell of the Living Dead (how have I not done that yet?), it is stupid, amateurish and badly-written. Also like that film, it is pretty damn entertaining in an ironic way. One of my favorite effects is the rat 'swarm' that is clearly rat dolls placed on a moving track. It looks like either the candy dots on wax paper or ducks in a shooting gallery- take your pick. The downside is that the characters are almost all unlikeable. Then again, they all die- most violently- so it's a trade-off. If you like good horror, stay away. Lovers of ridiculous crap should be happy here.

*

In honor of a new reader, I bring you the best Greek zombie film ever! Also, the only one (so far). Stay tuned...