Mondo Weirdo: Born of Fire (1983)

I've missed you, Mondo Macabro.  Early in the life of this Site, I watched ALOT of Mondo Macabro Releases.  From Films about naughty girls to Turkish weirdness to Satanic Couples, I got plenty of mileage out of their stuff.  As time went on, they released a bunch of Nikkatsu stuff and...I was less interested.  On top of that, I found so much more craziness and I mostly forgot about them.  After months in my Queue, I finally watched today's Film- 1983's Born of Fire.  If you don't know, Mondo Macabro has a great Trailer Reel with every Disc, teasing you with Films to watch.  If you're me, you have probably seen most of them too.  In any event, all I knew about this one was random shots and a guy breathing fire.  The Plot: a Flutist goes to Turkey to save the World.  Yeah, there's more, but...that's enough for now.  To see how weird this Film you probably never heard of is, read on...

In a mix of shots, we see a woman and some weird guy looking at the Lunar Eclipse.  It is a bit more...skull-like than usual.

A Flutist is playing a Concert, thrilling many.

That is, of course, the least normal thing in the whole Film.  Woodwinds zing!

The Astronomer from earlier is drawn to the Concert right as he has visions and leaves.

For some reason, she's allowed back in his Dressing Room and they then find out that his Mother is dying.  As luck/fate would have it, she bonds with Mom before she dies.

After they both see some freaky stuff, they go to Turkey, which is where his Dad died.  They go there and are met by this mysterious fella.

He helps our Hero have a vision via Flute playing of his Father trying to stop a Ritual by the Master Musician (the freaky dude from earlier), only to be killed by fire.

Alongside a malformed mute, they do a ritual that...accidentally turns the lady evil.

This Film is mostly random Music and shots of Nature, but kudos for this one.

She dies after the Musician makes a creature be born from a husk somewhere else- why not?!?

To put a stop to him, we get...a Flute Battle.

He wins the battle and follows the drape that the woman was wearing when he put her in a puddle and it...makes a creature pull him into the water.  After random shots of Dervishes, the Film ends so...yea?

Weird.  This must be the only Film where a Flute factors into the Plot so much.  Flute Music powers magical ceremonies.  Flute Magic can lead to the destruction of the World.  Flute Battles decide the fate of the World!  To be fair, you need Flute Magic and the rare Skull Moon.  Who hasn't been to a Skull Moon Party though?  Neil DeGrasse Tyson goes wild at those!  Kidding aside, this is a nice-looking Film.  The problem is that the Plot is very much second to the visuals.  On top of that, the nearly non-stop Flute Music is a bit repetitive and droning at times.  Born of Fire looks neat, sometimes sounds neat...but doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  It is a pretty bit of what-the-hell for all you fans of that.  It wasn't for me, but I can at least appreciate the look of things.  Speaking of which, what the hell is this thing exactly?

Next up, another terrible Vampire Film that came with The Vulture's Eye.  Naturally, it involves... Spring Break?  Stay tuned...

SPOILER Theatre: Manos: The Hands of Fate, Satan's Blood and *A Recent Film*

Don't read if you want to avoid SPOILERS.  Seems obvious, right?

I've meant to do this segment in the past, but feel like October is right.  I'll be focusing more on Horror (if not all on it) this Month.  Basically, I'm going to highlight when a unique Twist Ending has been repeated.  Let's start with Manos: The Hands of Fate...

For reasons unknown, this guy and his family end up at Valley Lodge.  They have to fend off the Watchman, some Dogs and a mysterious Priest guy.  In the End, they all end up in the place's thrall and our lead (also the Writer and Director) becomes the new Watchman/Keeper...

That's kind of dark, right?  The man enslaved and his family now servants of Manos.

However, it's not the last time that we'd see this ending...

In the 1970s, we would get Satan's Blood, a charming little tale about a young couple, some strangers and a Satanic orgy.  The pair end up with a couple who claim to know them and slowly get taken over.

They return home, but get killed.  However, they show up some time later pulling the same trick that the previous couple were doing.  Dun dun dun...

However, this was ALSO not the last time we'd see this Ending.  We'd get it much later though...

In Midnight Meat Train, a Photographer (Bradley Cooper) tracks a mysterious man tied to some disappearances.  It turns out that he kills people and feeds them to some sort of entities far down the Subway line.

Things go badly, but he manages to kill the man (but at the expense of his tongue).  However, this leads to him...taking the man's spot.  You can debate over the reasons why.

Dun dun dun!

So that's the first entry in SPOILER Theatre.

Were there some other iterations of this Ending that I missed?  Do you have your own suggestions for future entries?  Angry about me SPOILING three movies at one time?  If so, leave a Comment.

Sexy Macabro: Satan's Blood

So much blood!  Today's (other) film is Satan's Blood, a Mondo Macabro release that I've put off for quite a while.  The film's plot is said to be partially-inspired by Rosemary's Baby, although that's a bit misleading.  This movie is sort of a hodge-podge of other movie's plots.  It tells the tale of a young couple who go out for a night on the town, only to run into some people that take their lives in a direction that they never saw coming.  Will it also be the end of their lives too?  Only time (and the review) will tell.  The film is notable for it's Rating in Spain- 'S.'  The S-Rating is for films that have a lot of sex in them...and it definitely qualifies here.  Like most of the films that feature, it could easily be cut out and the film would be nearly-identical.  Regardless, it's here, so let's roll with it.  The real challenge here is to see if you can guess which movie's twist ending that this is building up to.  If you guess it fairly, I'll be amazed.  To find out about the film (and to play the game), read on...

The film's opening sequence comes right out of Tombs of the Blind Dead and features cultists killing some lady, but only after baring her boobs.

This scene- entirely superfluous.

While going out for a night on the town, our heroes run across a couple who's male half swears that he knows our hero.  Why doesn't he remember this stranger then?  More importantly, why does he constantly remind me of Ricky Ricardo?

They hang out with the mysterious couple, have some drinks (by the way, the wife is 4 months pregnant) and play with a Ouija Board.  You know that they're serious Satanists, since they have something that was sold in America as a children's toy!

This leads to the movie's most notable scene: a random, Satanic orgy.  They walk in on the couple, get hypnotized (I guess) and engage in this prolonged scene.

On the plus side, it makes the censorship nice and fun.

They remember nothing the next day and begin to question their hosts.  It probably doesn't help that their dog disappeared (foreshadowing the twist ending), their hosts are being mysterious and their car is suddenly not working.

There's a sub-plot involving a Doctor- who shows up later- that appears when the wife is sick.  There's always a price for Satanic orgies, obviously.

As a bonus, there's a creepy doll.  That cliche wasn't too tired by this point.  Plus, it's head explodes in blood (see this week's Because I Watched It)!

Our heroes finally escape the house and go home...only to find their apartment cleared out.  Maybe the neighbors can clear this whole mess up...

Our heroes are killed by the group and, at some point later, our hero shows up...in the role of the other husband.  That's right- this is the twist ending from Manos: The Hands of Fate!!!!

Sex sells...I guess.  The movie's got an interesting idea for a plot, builds up pretty well and...then loses all of its momentum for sex scenes.  The scenes don't necessarily ruin the movie, but they ruin the pacing.  The movie up to that point is all about mystery and atmosphere and then...long sex scene.  It's just out of place.  It's also a problem that could be easily-fixed with a little bit of Editing.  You want to imply that they succumbed to the power?  Fine.  Just show the scene's beginning and fade to black/use a wipe, etc.  That aside, the movie has some neat effects and builds up to something interesting, albeit silly.  Putting aside the sex scenes- which you can easily fast-forward through, like I did-, the movie is full of intrigue and has some neat visuals to it.  Regardless of how the movie is, the Disc features the classic Mondo Macabro Promo Reel, which is always golden. Take us away, future-Mother of the Year...

Next up, a week-long look at the works of 'famed auteur' Renny Harlin.  First up, his second-biggest bomb, which also starred his wife.  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: Mondo Macabro's Promo Reel (w/ Bonus)

Even if I end up hating the movie, this video always makes a Mondo Macabro DVD worth a rental.

This is not the most current Promo Reel, but it does contain some of the best ones.  To note: this video is SFW, since it's YouTube censored.

That song will never EVER leave your head.  You're welcome.

As a bonus, the trailer to Hell's Ground, a film I reviewed a while back.  It's also a Mondo Macabro release and features the lead from Pakistani Dracula to boot!

As always, I'm open to more suggestions for this segment.  Got a video?  Suggest it and I'll see what happens.

Mondo Mondo: Mill of the Stone Women

It's been too long, Mondo Macabro!  The famous DVD company is responsible for a lot of films you've seen on this site.  Why?  Quite simply, they realize some crazy, obscure shit.  On the plus side, most of the films are actually good- unlike Something Weird.  This film has been featured in their awesome trailer reel for a long time, but I never actually watched it.  Let's change that!  The film comes to us from those lovely Dutch and is very similar to House of Wax.  This is the second foreign film I've seen that copies that film- weird, right?!?  The plot is very odd and I can't quite explain it too well here.  I know what I can do- I can explain it in the review.  Boy, am I clever!  Bring your polish as we go to visit the...

A man shows up at the home of a famous architect.  Can you tell that this film is Dutch yet?

The guy has a lot of art in his house, including many stone statues and pieces that go in a carousel.  They're not quite wax, but close enough.

It sure is nice of them to revisit the set from the finale of Head of the Family.

Crazy stuff starts to happen, including our hero finding a woman tied up in a room and finding the film's lead actress dead in a room.  Is he imagining these things?

It probably isn't, since it seems to have something to do with 'Dutch Vinnie Jones' and the architect's daughter.

What are the experiments that they are doing with the women in town- including this bar maid?

How the hell did she become a stone mannequin?  Am I going to keep asking questions and not answering them?

As it turns out, the architect was using 'Dutch Vinnie' to do experiments to keep his daughter alive, the side-effect being that they turn into stone statues...which get put in his carousels.  Odd.

Well, it's a stock 'science gone awry' film, so you can guess what happens.  Yep, the place burns down.  The End.

Stop milling around!  The plot of this movie is good, but takes a bit to get going.  It spends a lot of time on the characters, which is not necessarily bad.  The problem is that so much of the film is 'stock'- including the characters.  The genius who sacrifices others for his work/family- check.  The young idealist who has to solve the film's dilemma- check.  The female friend who exists only to be in peril for the finale- big check.  The movie has a lot of things going for it.  The visuals are nice, the overall feel is neat and it's never really boring.  The problem is that the overall package is too familiar.  If you like this kind of movie, you'll like this one.  If you don't, the film won't convince you to change your mind.  Take us away, silly face...

Next up, Japan gets a second shot with this confusingly-shot film about ladies in peril.  Who's the chick with the giant scissors though?  Stay tuned...

Mondo-Filipino: For Your Height Only

Who does not love midgets?  I mean, they're like people, only they can fit in most backpacks!  There is one name that any fan of foreign action and adventure should know: Weng Wang.  I'll give you a moment to stop laughing.  Now then, Mr. Wang...this is not helping, is it...was a big ...okay, I'm not trying to do that...star in his home country.  His star status came from a series of movies in which he plays Agent 00.  Get it- he's short, so he doesn't get the full name!  You may think that the joke is lame...and you would be right.  Even so, this movie is pure awesome in a can- see you later, Prince Albert!  Don't believe me?  Check out my review of...

For Your Height Only

The movie begins with our hero (Weng Wang) in action.  In the first shot of him, he is wielding a full-sized machine gun, as if his small stature was not extremely evident.  He is a spy who works for the government and must stop the evil plans of Mr. Big.  Damn you, Chris Noth!  By the way, when I said I was using that review format last- I lied.

*

+ Agent 00 is given a bunch of gadgets by his boss, including a ring that can detect poison (don't ask), X-Ray Glasses and a remote control flying hat.  They all get one use (i.e. Wang catches a woman trying to poison him) and are never seen again.

+ Agent 00 befriends the girlfriend of a gang member and gets her help on getting information.

+ While battling one guy in a hotel, the fight ends in a room occupied by a woman.  With a simple 'Hey, wanna screw,' she falls for him.

+ Agent 00 kicks a lot of as, although most of it involves him punching/kicking people in the groin.  In fairness, that is right in his line of sight.

+ Near the climax, Agent 00 flies a jet pack over to the enemy's base.  Suck on that, Black Samurai!

+ He also beats up a bunch of men in karate gear with a katana.  Thankfully, they have one that is to scale

+ The final battle involves Mr. Big who...is a dwarf.  I guess being 4" tall instead of 3" tall counts, huh?  They kung-fu fight, but you already know who wins.

*

Like I said, this movie is awesome.  It has no right to be, but manages nonetheless.  Weng Wang had an odd star power that is simply unexplainable.  It is hard to imagine that a 2'9" action star could work, but he does.  The movie is not meant to replace the James Bond movies and is just meant to be fun.  In that regard, it succeeds.  The Mondo Macabro release of this comes packed with Challenge of the Tiger, which is a nice bonus.  If you like weird movies, this is a must-see and, just maybe, a must-own.

*

Up next, the direct-to-video sequel to the American remake of a J-Horror film.  When you can't get Kristen Bell to be in your movie, what does that say?  Stay tuned...

Mondo Trivia: Mystics in Bali

This film was actually very controversial when it came out.  In fact, it was banned in Indonesia- the country that it was made in!  The thing only got seen in its own country by way of pirated VHS copies. 

Geez, even Cannibal Holocaust could be viewed in Italy, just nowhere else!

Mondonesia: Mystics in Bali

This poor movie has been in review limbo and must be set free. Part of the problem, I think, is that I have seen many films in the same vein & certain ones seem to take precedence. For example, Eternal Evil of Asia was just plain nuts & had to be reviewed right away. This placed Bali and tomorrow's review- Seeding of a Ghost- on the back-burner. In addition, I have written about the film in at least one list, making me feel like I was already done with it. So what is the movie about? Basically, it is about what happens when reporters get too deep in a story. It is also about what crazy wizard lady will do to get revenge on society. Mind you, this is quite different from Queen of Black Magic, although both hail from the same country. Both films do features some bizarre and dated special effects, so that is something to look forward to. This is...

Mystics in Bali

The film begins by introducing us to our heroine- a spunky reporter who has the burning desire to get a story. The story is about the secret society of the Leyak, the Indonesian equivalent to an evil voodoo spirit. She settles into the environment very well, even hitting it off with a local man. He introduces her to an evil witch, who prefers to talk from behind some bushes. She makes our heroine do lots of errands for her, gathering certain objects. Of course, the weirdness comes in when the woman grabs an object from behind the bushes with her super-long tongue. Oh my God, its Gene Simmons! The lady gets more pushy towards our heroine, even telling her what underwear to put on. To her credit, our heroine picks up most of the big magical ideals very quickly. Actually, to be fair, she merely says that she does. Did you expect the movie to show you everything? Ha! That's just silly.

*

Unfortunately, the evil witch has some evil intentions for our heroine. What?!?!? Anyhow, she utters the infamous line 'I need to borrow your head for a while' and causes the woman's head to float off of her body! I bet you count on your hands how many films that you have seen that feature a Penanggalan. Don't worry, though- it's not going out alone. The body part is still connected to its spine and guts. The thing flies off in a slightly-very-dated special effects shot and seeks out a pregnant woman. It flies in through her window and goes to town on what's inside of her. For the record, they show nothing. For that, you'll have to watch Aswang- also on DVD from Mondo Macabro! This causes some havoc in town, however, and our heroine's friend suspects what is up. Gee, I wonder. Fortunately, his uncle is a good wizard and can help out. He reacts oddly-calm to the sight of the woman's headless body waiting in her house. His solution: stick a bunch of pins in the wound, which makes her head not able to return. Oh, that was easy.

*

It's not over yet, kiddies! The whole thing builds up to the battle between the witch and the wizard. Highlights include lots of drawn-on effects that feel taken from Roger Corman's The Raven, some flying and a person being turned into a pig. Man, how many Indonesian movies do I need to see with this happening in it?!? It's all a big, crazy mess and I won't spoil it for you. Just go see this already.

*

This movie is good, but definitely with some caveats. For starters, you have to understand the climate and time in which it was made. Rules in Indonesia actually required these guys to pump out movies on a regular basis- one for every five that is imported. If you ever wondered about the questionable quality and logic attached to these movies- see The Devil's Sword and The Warrior- this is your explanation. As for this movie, it is very steeped in regional mythology and may not be accessible to those who are not a fan of foreign horror. If you can accept the silly effects, you can have a good time with this. The 'crazy foreign horror film about magic' is something that was oddly popular in its day and quickly died out. I defy you to find a movie like this made in the last five or ten years. If nothing else, this features the insanely-awesome Mondo Macabro trailer reel. Ah reel, you never let me down!

*

Next on the agenda, a Shaw horror film about love, revenge and demonic wizards. You only get this kind of stuff from China! Stay tuned...

Mondo-nesia: Lady Terminator

Indonesia has proven to be a really strange place when it comes to film-making. This is the place that gave us a film about the dangerous practice of accusing women of being witches. Said film -The Queen of Black Magic- ends with the young woman actually becoming a witch & trying to kill everyone. Way to send mixed messages, guys! With that example, let's delve into what today's film really is: The Terminator. The names have changed, but the film is still the same. A crazed killer seeks out one woman for a strange reason and kills everyone that gets in their way. There are quite a few things that are different. For starters, our villain is a girl, albeit a mutated one. Secondly...no, that's just about it. Let's dive right into the crazy pool that is...

Lady Terminator

The film begins a long time ago with a beautiful queen that is greeted by an American man (at least in the version they sent us). They share a bed, but he spurns her offer of marriage. She takes it pretty badly, putting a curse on his family line. Cut to the present day, where a female is struck by an evil spirit. This effect is pretty damn weird, culminating in a weird scene where she gyrates on a bed in her underwear. In order to properly rip-off James Cameron's film, she walks slowly out of the water. Depending on where you lived, she was either wearing only a thong (America) or wearing a full dress (Asia). She exits the water and kills some random guy to get her outfit. This is obviously a rip-off, but it does spare us the displeasure of seeing 'Ahnuld's' ass, so it's not all negative. She becomes an unstoppable killing machine thanks to the evil Sea Witch's powers and has one goal: revenge. Mind you, it is revenge by proxy, but revenge nonetheless. Sadly, our heroine is not named Sarah.

*

As plot convenience would have it, our heroine knows an archaeologist who is looking into the evil Sea Witch lore. This should come in handy later. She also gets a strange dagger that literally serves no purpose for 99% of the movie. The possessed girl begins searching for the young woman, first targeting her at a mall. You know how this works right? She shoots, people die and our heroine escapes unharmed. What happens at the disco club? She shoots, people die and our heroine escapes unharmed again. One does have to wonder how our villainess is immune to bullets and deaths though. How does magic make your skin bullet-proof? Are we to assume that magic adapts for society, like the ancient spell that allows you to control bulldozers? To make matters worse, they adjust this logic later, but only when they are attempting to rip-off more moments from James Cameron's film. I also have to question the scene where she pulls one of her eyes out with a pen. One- it serves no purpose other than to ape the other film. Two- are we saying that no stray bullets hit her eyes? Clearly, those are vulnerable. Maybe I'm too picky...

*

The film continues to build and build in a nice way. For example, we start out with her battling thugs, escalate to her fighting undercover cops & go up from there. Sadly, she does not do the famous line before she does the entire 'police headquarters shoot-out' scene. This does have its own good parts, such as the trailer moment where she shoots one cop about 50 times with an AK-47 and then kicks his corpse for a more personal touch. More escalation, film! The final battle involves more cops, a helicopter and a freaking bazooka! She emerges from the blast with her skin burned off (because bullets produce no heat on their own) and starts firing eye-lasers! When did this turn into The Dark? Man, I wonder if anything can kill this thing?!? She just 'offed' 90% of the cast here! Oh no, she's about to kill our heroine. What could possibly...oh, she just stabbed the lady terminator with the dagger that she had the whole time. It's dead. The End.

*

Yeah, this ending is a bit silly, even when you consider everything that preceded it. It really is that abrupt. As for the whole movie, it is bizarre, cheesy fun. I mean, it's Lady f-ing Terminator! It has '80s fashions, disco dancing (Indonesia is on a slight time-delay) and stupid effects. That's not forgetting how many people are just mowed down by a tiny woman in a leather jacket with a machine gun! Unlike a lot of foreign import films, the plot is actually secondary to the effects and the action. After sitting through such long-seeming films like The Wig and Uzumaki, it is a nice change of pace. The film has been restored pretty well by the folks at Mondo Macabro and there are the usual features explaining the subject matter. If nothing else, enjoy the famous Mondo Macabro trailer reel- that never disappoints! Besides, that song will never ever escape your mind.

*

Let's return to America to uncover a secret conspiracy involving murder, grave-robbing and...cat food. Stay tuned...

Mondo French: Seven Women for Satan

Have I mentioned how much I loved Mondo Macabro lately? If not, well, I do. Who else would give us cinematic classics on DVD like Lady Terminator and their newest release Naked Rashomon. They have also given me some strange films that Netflix is very confused about. One of them- today's review- is described by the sleeve as a French version of The Most Dangerous Game. What you actually get could not be farther from the truth! In spite of this, there is still plenty of strange goings-on to talk about here. For one thing, it's a salacious French film about sex, murder and death. For another thing, it is the first review I can recall that allows me to use the term 'sex trap.' Curious? Read on to my review of...

Seven Women for Satan

Our movie begins with a naked woman running through the forest. Oh no, it's Panic Beats all over again! This time, however, it is the lovely French countryside covered in morning dew. This is where the bit about it being like Game has come up, although it so unlike the rest of the movie in that regard. After this aside, we get a curious scene where our lead- Boris Zaroff- meets up with a hitchhiker on the road. He takes her back to his place, wines and dines her & proceeds to turn bad. He ties her up and does...stuff to her before doing more things outside. He lets her go, but, when she runs away screaming, he inadvertently runs her down with his car. This guy sends mixed messages! Around this time, we meet his mysterious butler who helps him clean up everything and get a glimpse of his dying father (the same actor in a beard). The man has issues- plain and simple. All of them seem to come up when he is around women, which happens a lot in this movie. What a weird coincidence!

*

The movie is not so much a story as it is a series of strange events. The man is haunted by his dead wife and pressed on by his servant. Many different people are introduced in the story and subsequently killed off in pretty quick order. For example...

*

-A busty blond secretary is invited over for dinner. She gets her wine drugged and gets, let's just call it, loose. She dances around, writhes naked on a bed with only a boa (evidently she has the same fetish as Hulk Hogan) and is killed moments later by the evil dog. Thanks for coming...and showing us your breasts. I'll just drop some beads for you down there.

*

-A couple shows up in the middle of the night because- I'm not joking here- their car broke down and they need to use the phone. They get to stay the night and, whilst wandering around, our villain stumbles upon them. He shows them the torture chamber, they let him strap them down to a table and, shockingly, a spiked ceiling comes towards them. Darwinism in action, folks.

*

This movie is strange and never claims to be otherwise. The film is written, directed and starring Frenchman Michael Lemoine. The man is not exactly a well-known name in the states and it certainly does not help that his big opus was banned for content in his own country. Much like many Euro-trash films, Seven gives you the feeling of a waking dream. It is much less direct than Don't Deliver Us From Evil, but has a similar vibe. It is quite comparable to The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, only without the bizarre conclusion. If you like weird, foreign films with nudity, you can do worse. You recall Satan's Baby Doll, right?

*

Up next, a lady fights zombies with a sword. The fact that she wears a bikini is really just extra. Stay tuned...

Mondonesia: Dangerous Seductress

It has been a while since I reviewed a Mondo Macabro movie. Like with the Fulci films, I almost felt like I was over-exposing them. Plus, I had this weird mental gaffe where I completely forget about doing them. Either way, they are back. Up first is a movie made in Indonesia, but filmed entirely in English. Is it an awkward experience? Yes. Is the movie completely insane? A big Yes. The movie is chock full of the stuff that I love, but is it a solid experience? Find out in my review of...

Dangerous Seductress

The film begins with a dangerous police chase through the streets of an Indonesian city. A bunch of criminals have stolen some random jewelry. After a few minutes of this, a car crashes and one of the man's fingers flies off. More importantly, the mysterious ring on said finger flies off. The ground sucks the object up and we get to meet our main villain: a mysterious witch. She was buried underground and her body torn apart. Using the power of the ring, she is able to bring part of her body together, but she is still rooted to the ground. She needs some blood to complete the spell and gain her freedom- but where will she get that from? The film cuts...a woman being abused by her boyfriend- lovely. Also the woman is a bottle blond and this is supposed to be in Los Angeles, although all we ever see is the inside of a building. She eventually gets away and calls her sister, who just happens to be a model over in, wait for it, Indonesia. Road trip!

*

The young lady settles in pretty quickly, ending up in her sister's lovely mansion. Unfortunately, her sister has to go off for a few days to do a fashion shoot. She gets left behind in the big house by herself, with only her sister's fiancee to keep her company occasionally. The good news is that she discovers some lovely reading material: a big book of black magic. Faster than you can say 'easy plot device,' the witch takes over the young woman and transforms her into the titular character. One fashion montage and one slutty cocktail dress later and she is out on the town. She gets all the Indonesian men all hot and bothered. She goes home with one Australian man (by the way, the movie is full of these guys) after causing another man to crash his car when he tries to follow them. After a long bit of teasing and undressing, she shoots with a harpoon gun (apparently all house boats have one) and kills him. The witch appears in a mirror and sucks all the blood the woman gains through it. It only gets better.

*

The movie sort of coasts for a while on two scenarios: the girl kills some man and the sister gets visited by a mysterious woman. All of the foreshadowing for the finale is done by the woman who just appears and disappears at random. She never just says 'your sister is possessed by a demon- go home!' Way to helpful, you damn apparition! Meanwhile, the girl kills more men, including three in one scene set in a meat plant. Go for the high score! She gives more blood to the witch, while a detective investigates the whole thing. Unfortunately, he meets his end at the end of the witch's magic- so much for that plot thread. The sister eventually comes home and ends up battling her sister. Thanks to the help of a mysterious mystic that looks like a cross between Bobby McFerrin and Mr. T. We get a super overload of special effects (read: light flashes and overlays) before the big, bombastic finale. All in all, a very weird experience.

*

This movie is really, really weird. If you just stop to analyze the whole thing, the weirdness is only magnified. This is an Indonesian production, featuring many people from the country, a pair of blond models, that weird black guy and a future WWE Diva Search Contestant. This is China Strike Force all over again! Thankfully, this film does not feature Coolio in any way. It does have one of the weirdest Netflix description captions of all time though- 'This campy horror flick features the special-effects makeup artistry of Steve Prouty, the master behind such films as The Cat in the Hat and the live-action How the Grinch Stole Christmas.' Really- that's the best you can do? I guess that will have to do.

*

Up next, a tale of love, betrayal and...a Golem? Stay tuned...

Mondo-nesia: The Warrior

Indonesia is a strange place. They have given us such odd classics as The Queen of Black Magic, Mystics in Bali and Lady Terminator. They also brought us The Devil's Sword, which shares the same lead as today's film...

The Warrior

On top of being a rare, foreign import film, it is also an adaptation of a famous comic book from this country. A crazy, action comic-book film from Indonesia? Need I say more? I suppose so.

*

This movie takes place during the Dutch occupation of the country. You all remember that, right? Let's move on. A freedom fighter named Jaka Sembung is standing strong against them, much like a very kick-ass Gandhi. In the beginning, he escapes from a chain-gang and prepares another attack. This leads the clearly-not-Dutch to seek out a powerful fighter to kill him. One finds them, however, and makes his way right into their compound.

*

How tough, you ask? I dunno, how about super-strength? That do anything for ya?
How about the power to absorb bullets from 200 yards...with super-tough skin?!?
How about the power...to be stabbed through the head by Jaka Sembung? Well, now he's dead.

*

In most films, I would wonder how the back of his head is vulnerable while the front is not. In this film, it is the most logical thing. After this failure, they get a little desperate. They hire a wizard with buck teeth to resurrect an even more powerful wizard. They are sold after he demonstrates Yoda-esque powers on one of the 'Dutch' lieutenants. The new wizard re-attaches his body to his head and gets to work. The villains draw out Jaka and our villain kicks his ass with Jedi magic. They're doomed.

*

At this point, the film ventures into blatantly ripping off other famous heroes' stories. For example, Jaka is blinded and, later, bursts free of prison by pulling out the pillars. Sound familiar? That's Samson. During his escape attempt, he is turned into a pig and chased away. Is that Greek enough for you? The film does have some of it's own ideas though. One of Jaka's allies is wounded during his rescue and dies, so a good wizard gives him her eyes via magic. Yes, they show it. It is time for payback!

*

Jaka has an epic battle against the wizard, which you can see here. It involves flying limbs, leaping people and swords. It is epic and completely weird. I was sold on the movie on this clip alone and you likely will be too. With that out of the way, him and his troops go to assault the main compound. This is a great series of scenes, save for the forced inclusion of the lone comic character. We don't always need them, Asian filmmakers! Jaka kills the General and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh wait, he's not dead and accidentally kills his daughter. Okay, most people live happily ever after.

*

It is time to cover something new- namely, our neighbors from the stars. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Queen of Black Magic

You know that I could not stay away, right? I just love weird, foreign films and actual good transfers of them. Today's film comes from Indonesia, a country that has brought us good films (Lady Terminator), great films (The Devil's Sword) and abominations (Virgins from Hell). Which one will this be? It is called...

Queen of Black Magic

This is actually directed by the same man who did Sword and another upcoming review. This seems like a good sign.

*

A young woman has a problem: she is having an affair with the big man in the village, but he won't commit. When she really presses the issue before his wedding, he accuses her of being a practitioner of black magic. They chase her out of town and stone her. Just to be dicks, they toss her off of a cliff. The End, right?

*

Wrong. As luck would have it, an actual practitioner of black magic catches her and heals her up. Now with a focus on revenge, she begins to get trained in the evil arts. She is a quick learner and begins to plan the course of her actions. The first step is to kill one of the villagers with attack bees. Nothing can distract her from her...ooh, a man.

*

Our heroine/villain is thrown off of her plans for a while when she runs into a 'hot guy' by the river. Despite her being a famous 'villain' in the area, the new guy knows absolutely nothing. He has showed up to make sure that no black magic is still being done in the area. This won't end awkwardly at all.

*

The high points of the movie all revolve around the black magic. My favorite is still the spell she puts on her former beau. Using her powers, she forces him to walk into the center of town and rip his own head off. No, really. She then makes it fly around and attack people. When the good magicians try to stop it, it sets aflame. Can this get any better? No, that's pretty much it.

*

I don't really need to finish up my plot summary, do I? Once you've read that last paragraph, you have definitely decided whether or not to see it. Nothing else can supersede that. I really enjoyed this movie, even if there really is not all that much substance to it. Enjoy, people.

*

Do you like zombies and computer animation? I'll appease you weirdos. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: The Devil's Sword

We've reached the end of the road people. While Mondo Macabro will always be a part of my life,- I gots to have more Indian horror- this is the last update day. Well, until I do another one. Never say never in this business when you can watch...

The Devil's Sword

This movie is basically a sword-and-sandal movie, mixed with a lot of Wuxia (the flying Chinese people movies) and fantasy. Since it comes to us from our brothers in the Eastern hemisphere, we can get a guarantee of cultural weirdness as well. Good stuff.

*

Okay, so there is this evil Crocodile Queen. Before you ask, she is NOT a crocodile herself. Given this kind of movie, there was a chance, I know. She is just their buxom, evil and horny leader. Fortunately, this film is saved from fetish notoriety due to her lust for MEN and not humanoid reptiles. Now that we're spared from that imagery...anymore, let's get to the real meat of the film.

*

If you like flying, flipping and hand lasers, this is your movie. The plot involves the evil Queen's attempt to get the film's macguffin 'The Devil's Sword.' It is all-powerful and looks badass, so, naturally, everyone else wants it to. Our hero is a very manly man who kills with ease. In his way are three dangerous assassins. This should be a walk in the park for him.

*

This movie is not only action packed, but trippy as all hell. Aside from having a guy with a sword fight crocodile men, you get witches, weird spirits and skeletons. It also teaches gravity just who is the boss around here! In a way, this film is a mix of Conan the Barbarian and El Topo. Of course, I don't like the latter at all (bye bye, indie cred). However, the crazy 'I don't know where I'm going, but I like it' feel of the cult film is there. If you can take the insanity and survive the experience, you will be better (and crazier) for it.

*

Well, we now return you to my normal crap for a while. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Don't Deliver Us From Evil

We haven't had any faux lesbianism in a while. We also have not had any killer children thus far either. Let's fix both oversights with...

Don't Deliver Us From Evil

This is one of those rare films that was shocking in its own time and really still is. Joining such film as Caligula and Cannibal Holocaust is a unique honor. In addition, this is made by a French director, so you would expect some classiness. Not so much.

*

Another quick note. I made a joke about there being 'faux lesbianism' in the movie. To clarify, the closest you get in physical contact is this. There is talk about it, but no follow-up. Given how young the leads are, this is a given. The point was made with just the idea of it being around. Also, this is based on the same real-life crime that Heavenly Creatures is, just made in 1971.

*

Two girls walk into a Church and one of them wants to be a Satanist. Bad joke, but adequate set-up to the film. Two Catholic schoolgirls who are not related, but act like sisters, share a bond of disdain with their strict upbringing. They rebel in subtle ways like stealing 'smut' from the attic and more overt ways like doing their own Satanic mass. The girls live in nearby countryside manors and spend all the time they can together.

*

The movie is subtle about getting 'full-on strange.' It escalates slowly but surely. The brunette goes a bit crazier than her blond friend does though. She starts out by killing her gardener's birds one-by-one. Why? Good question. This is actually in 'retaliation' to the gardener attempting to have sex with her friend...after she flashed her panties at him for several minutes and consented. Good moral system, huh?

*

"Don't Deliver" does take some major deviations from the real-life case. For one thing, the mother is never a 'threat' to their happiness. As a result, she is not a target for elimination or death. Instead, this comes to a random man that they come across. After enticing him with her ways,- including dancing around in her underwear- the man makes a move and is killed in 'self-defense.' The clues begin to lead to the girls, which leads them, in turn, to make their final, decisive move.

*

As an art film, this film is full of unique imagery and creative storytelling. It definitely will not be for everyone with though. What with the nubile young girls acting sort of evil, the men being thoughtless-pigs and there being a scene of two girls turned into human candles. For what it wants to be, it is quite strong. Whether you choose to like what it wants to be is up to you.

*

One last one to go and it's a doozy. Who has the best sword? The Devil does. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: The Killer Must Kill Again

Let's keep the pace a little lighter today with some rape and murder. Today's movie is a giallo, but a long-lost one. Let's check out...

The Killer Must Kill Again

First off, I just have to say how much I love the title. That is all.

*

The movie begins with, shockingly, a murder. Our killer has just taken out another victim, but a concerned citizen picks up a lighter he left at the scene. He's going to turn it into the police, right? Nope. He's actually a poor, cheating husband who wants his wife killed. He uses this as incentive to get him to do it. Nice guy.

*

After a little 'friendly-time' with his wife, he goes off to establish his alibi for her impending murder. Hey, at least he did it in this order and not the other way around! Her death is not a quick one, as she proves to be quite feisty. Soon she ends up quite dead and put in the trunk of a car.

*

All goes well, except for the fact that car- with body in tow- is stolen by a young couple. They head off to the coast while the killer and the husband make plans to cover. The evil man chases them, while the philanderer decides to play up his innocence. During the trip, the movie teases you a couple of times with people possibly opening up the trunk. Good stuff.

*

They arrive at an abandoned house and go inside. All the while, the guy has been pressuring his lady to 'give it up to him.' She does not like all that talk and just wants to spend some time with him. After one last 'subtle' attempt, he leaves in search of food that she requested. Along the way, he comes along a buxom blond with car trouble. He gives her a ride and then she rides him. Ha ha ha innuendo. Wait, that was far less subtle.

*

While the guy is out getting sucked (into an affair), the girl is being stalked. The killer gets there and is mad that the car (and body) are gone. He ties her up and takes off her pants. In case you had not gathered, this is no kids film. Eventually, the guy gets back and is attacked. Way to save the day, buddy.

*

The blond is outside with the car and finally discovers the body. Unfortunately, it is at the same time as the killer comes back. She gets violently killed. This movie teaches you not to sleep around with strangers. Although, the guy escapes with only some scratches. As for the nice girl, well, let's just say that her first time was not pleasant and she did not enjoy it. The killer who must kill again gets killed by the girl who he tries to kill. Try saying that one time fast.

*

This movie is gritty, realistic and refreshing. Like any genre, the giallo genre was flooded with wannabes. For every classic like What Have You Done to Solange, you get subpar stuff like Black Belly of the Tarantula or bad ones like Lizard in a Woman's Skin. Like M, this movie is a neat twist on the genre that is often forgotten by fans. Thanks to Mondo Macarbo, we can all bask in this films glory. It's not the best movie ever, but it is a damn good giallo.
*

We ain't done yet. We have a trip to Indonesia and a stop in France still ahead of us. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: Tarkan vs. The Vikings

Let's get away from the salacious and dip back into the surreal. Mondo Macabro has set itself as one of the few companies to release GOOD DVDs of Turkish movies- I'm looking at you, Seytan. Let's check out...

Tarkan vs. the Vikings

To give a little history, Tarkan was a very famous comic character in his native land a la The Phantom or Prince Valiant. This was enough to get him a film in the pop cinema hay-day there.

*

The film quickly introduces Tarkan and his wolf, who he loves more than his own people. I know what you're thinking after the last few films, so let me just say that there is no bestiality in here. Our Hun hero is off to visit his lady friend, but their encampment is attacked. In the battle, our tough hero is wounded and his pet dies. It's young pup is alive and nurses him back to health.

*

The villains are an interesting group. You've got a Viking leader- who looks a lot Conan's friend from his cartoon show- who has joined up with a Chinese Princess. Why? Good question. The problem is that nobody can remain loyal. The Princess betrays the Viking (Tora) for Tarkan, but can't remain loyal to him. It's all very confusing, so let's focus on the action and absurdity.

*

Basically, if you have seen any good Sinbad movie, you have seen what this movie has to offer. That does not mean that it is bad by any means, just predictable. Of course, it does have its strange moments. The curious thing is how they portray Tarkan's battle prowess. He spends the majority of the movie going into battle and getting beaten. While one could argue that heroes thrive through adversity, this film overdoes it by the fourth or fifth failed rescue attempt.

*

The best parts of the movie are the bizarre ideas it has. First off, the barely-explained team-up of the Chinese Princess and the Vikings. It's interesting, but weird. Second, the 'torture' scenes of the women captured by the Vikings. They are just plain weird. Lastly, there is the monster. Throughout the film, they build up the idea of the Vikings' evil monster used to sacrifice to. Once you see it, well, the reaction is different. It is just freaking stupid looking. Good stuff. You can even see it in action here.

*

Is this movie good? Not by any means. It is silly, low-budget and has a ridiculous plot. Of course, to me, those are all positive traits. In spite of itself, the movie is fun and stupid. Pulp fans will have a good time with this, as well as the informative documentary and the less-entertaining film The Deathless Devil that comes packed on one DVD. Thank you, Mondo Macabro.

Mondo Week: Panic Beats

Now that the lesbians and the crazy people are gone, let's take a trip to Spain. One of the million Paul Naschy films out there is...

Panic Beats

Paul here was the Jesus Franco of relatively-good Spanish horror films. Unlike the artistically-challenged auteur, his films at least feel professional. Both Spaniards did make films that were just freaking strange though. This is the case today.

*

This movie is basically a horror/soap opera, mixed with some ghost story and slasher elements. Wow, that sounds simple, right? Yeah, it's a big mess of a plot. It's not terrible though, just hard to decipher. Speaking of hard to decipher, check out the opening of this movie.

*

A naked woman running through the forest. Okay, interesting choice. We quickly learn that she is being chased by a man in armor on a horse. Sucks to be her, evidently. In true horror movie fashion, she trips and is attacked by his flail. Her death is so violent that it triggers the title screen.

*

We cut to the present where Paul is taking his wife out into the woods. We learn that she is very rich and he is most assuredly not. Paul- looking a lot like John Belushi here- gets a flat tire and is attacked by bandits. Wow, this is the exact same scene from Werewolf Shadow, except you are the one in peril this time. That's very clever, pal.

*

The gist of the movie is that Paul's wife has a heart condition and needs some R&R. They go to Paul's family estate which is allegedly haunted by a ghost- the villain from the beginning- and features a painting of our hero as Vigo the Carpathian. As time goes by, the wife begins to get scared frequently and nearly dies. It all climaxes in the visage of our ghost villain appearing and pushing her over the edge. Bad luck. So, how do you feel, Paul?

*

Oh, you're happy, because this was all part of a plan to kill her off that you made with the maid. But, she doesn't like you either and plots your death with a mysterious man over the phone? Bad choice, Paul. Despite hearing her do this later on, he still falls prey to the 'toaster in the bathtub' trick.

*

The finale of the movie is chock full of violent deaths and crazy ghost appearances. It ends with our mischievous and malicious heroine attempting to leave the estate. However, the real ghost rises from his grave and gives her a violent death. Every good person and bad person dies. The End.

*

Yeah, this is another interesting recommendation. Those who can stomach the retro gore and frequent nudity may enjoy it. Much like Dario Argento's 'Opera,' the film is very dark in tone and does not end in the most happy of ways. Naschy himself even admits this in the interviews packed onto the Mondo Macabro disc. This is a less accessible Spanish horror film than say "The Loreley's Grasp" or "Return of the Evil Dead." It's worth a rental for those who think it sounds interesting.

*

Four more movies to go. Will we see sex traps, Satanic ceremonies and scientific shibari? Probably. Stay tuned...

Mondo Week: The Mansion of Madness

Now that we've got the pseudo-lesbians out of the way, let's get to some crazy people. Let's take a look at...

The Mansion of Madness

A little history for you guys. The Marquis De Sade was one messed up guy. He was placed in an Asylum for his crazy thoughts, although he continued to write. He famously wrote a play called Marat/Sade bout the inmates running the Asylum, which was not received well.

*

Oh and despite what the movie keeps insisting, this is not based on an Edgar Allen Poe tale. Watching bizarre cinema as much as I do, this is something that happens a lot. Basically, the movie was retitled to sound like a Poe tale- much like Corman's The Conqueror Worm. We know though.

*

A French journalist is sent on assignment to check out an asylum that has been noted for it's extremely unique treatment style. He runs into an old friend and his daughter, so they go with him. While he goes on the tour, the crazy guards attack his friends. This leads to a humorous/freaky scene where the man tries to flee through the woods while wrapped in a potato sack. Go man, go!

*

The comparisons to the Marquis' Marat/Sade is evident in the mid-point of the movie. It is basically a random collection of crazy people in different rooms under the pretense of 'seeing the facility.' Crazy guy covered in tar who thinks he is a chicken? Check. Patients placed in glass cages for some reason? Check. People wearing very fancy head-wear? Big check.

*

Eventually, our hero figures out the truth. The real doctor has 'checked out' and the place is being run by a patient who looks like The Who's Roger Daltrey. He is locked up by the man and invited to the big climactic dinner scene. His friends- the girl is named Eugenie, another De Sade play- show up again. A big battle breaks out and all is right again with the world. Well, as right as it can be at an Asylum in the middle of the woods.

*

Like Girl Slaves, this is not an easy recommendation. The film starts out a little slow, introducing all the characters. It hits its stride during the tour and ends in a very big way. The rampant nudity- done as an eccentricity and not involving sex- and insane behavior is certainly not going to be everyone's cup of tea. If you like absurdity and have an open mind, check this one out. If you aren't into either though, you may not like much of my stuff from Mondo Macabro.

*

We're only just getting started. Magic spells, manic ghosts and...murder. Stay tuned...