Project (Famously) Terrible: Catwoman (2003)

If Halle Berry was nice enough to accept her Razzie Award for Worst Actress for this Film in person, then I am nice enough to review it.  Today's film is Catwoman, not to be confused by the DC Comics Character(s).  I love that this Film has NOTHING to do with the material at all- it may not even be in Gotham-, but Bob Kane still gets his unearned Credit here for 'creating the Character.'  The short-version for non-comic nerds: Bob Kane was an asshole with a good Lawyer and has stolen credit (and the lion's share of the profits) for Batman and its related characters.  If he 'created' Catwoman, he still didn't create this lady!  The Film is notable for many reasons.  For one thing, it famous for being terrible.  It is.  Secondly, it is famous for being one of the best examples of 'The Oscar Slump.'  How do you win an Oscar and agree to do this Film within a year?  It always seems to happen and nobody is quite sure why.  You just know that Jared Leto is going to end up in a terrible Romantic Comedy within a year and Lupita Nyong'o will be on-screen opposite Tyler Perry by 2015.  The Film tells the tale of a woman who is saved by *sigh* cat-magic and becomes a super-hero.  Since she's a female super-hero, her villain works for a Make-up Company- of course I'm not kidding.  Why does that only work one way exactly?  Why didn't Christopher Nolan have Batman fight the head of the NFL?  Why doesn't Superman battle the evil villain Ed Hardy?  I, for one, want to see Spider-Man battle the Owner of Sports Illustrated while the Bikini Issue is being shot!  I digress.  To see why this Film is as bad, read on...

Berry stars as Patience Phillips (since that is a real name!), a Graphic Artist who doesn't stand up for herself.

On the plus side, her friend is Family Guy's Alex Borstein.  On the negative side, she's still using this Script!

The villain is Sharon Stone as...well, Sharon Stone.  She's married to the Merovignian and has just retired as their Spokesmodel.  Oh and she is ALWAYS shot with this hilarious filter.

Patience hits it off with this Cop (Benjamin Bratt) after he thinks that she was going to jump from her window (when she was actually trying to rescue a magic cat).

Who said that romance is dead?

Through random chance and bad luck, she stumbles across the secret of how the company's product scars and mutates people.

For her discovery, she is flushed out of the world's largest drain pipe (since The Fugitive) and killed (maybe).

However, she is saved by 'magic cats' and becomes Catwoman.

I know, I know.  Some of you are saying 'Hey moron, that was what happened in Batman Returns too!'  Yeah, you're right...and it was stupid there too.

Now blessed with fast reflexes, enhanced senses and the ability to turn into an unconvincing CG double, she fights crime...or rather commits it.  She also has the ability to make rings appear on her finger in one shot before she actually puts them on in another!

Damn- Cat Magic powerful!

She meets up with the 'owner' of the magic cat from earlier and learns that she is one of a line of Catwomen throughout history.

Oh and sharp-eyed readers will notice that shot of Michelle Pfeiffer (who turned this Film down) from Returns here.  Continuity?

Our heroine slowly unravels the conspiracy of who tried to kill her earlier (as if we didn't know), but manages to get framed for the murder of Stone's husband.  She's arrested based on...a lipstick match?!?

C.S.I.- you look less silly now by comparison.  Congrats!

This all leads to a fight between Catwoman and Stone.  Her power: a lack of nerve endings in her face (although she is constantly recoiling in pain still)!

So yeah, this is lame.  Catwoman wins (by missing) and starts her new career of...series cancelled.  The End.

Meow- this stinks!  It is as bad and silly as you have heard.  The Acting is alternately-wooden and over-the-top.  Good Actors and Comedians are dragged down by the one-note Writing.  I don't hate them- honest.  The best thing the Film has going for it is its visual style, but that has problems too.  Catwoman was a box-office money loser and it is easy to see why when EVERY TRANSITION SHOT is a fully-CG panning shot.  Was that necessary?  I get it- you hired a French CG Artist/Director named Pitof.  That doesn't mean that you had to waste so much money on silly, dated-looking shots like these.  They look goofy.  Pitof's previous Film was Dark Portals, which was ridiculous fun.  It doesn't make a lick of sense in the End, but I enjoyed it.  As for this Film, it is...just ridiculous.  If there was a small bit of reality in this Film, it could have been a fun bit of fluff.  As it is, Catwoman is just fun for all of the wrong reasons.  For all of you out there who said that Daredevil was a pale imitation of Spider-Man, I would point you to this Film instead.  Take us away, silly and pointless CG establishing shot...

Next up, I celebrate 2,400 Posts with a Film Classic.  This may shock you, but I have actually never seen this Film until now!  Stay tuned...

Instant Foreign: Dark Portals- The Chronicles of Vidocq

Pardon my French!  This import film is a curious bit of history mixed with fantasy.  There was a real Vidocq, who is considered to be the Father of modern Criminology.  That is very interesting...but not considered enough for the people involved.  Instead, the plot involves a masked killer named The Alchemist who is killing people through fantastical means and stealing their souls.  Yeah, that's a bit of stretch.  It's interesting to note that this movie seems to be tailor-made for International success...but came to America nearly six years after its original release.  The movie is also the Directorial debut of Pitof, the man most famous in America for Directing 2003's Catwoman.  It's kind of a big strike against the guy, especially given that he won a Golden Raspberry Award for it and all.  The film, however, stars Gerard Depardieu- quite possibly the most renowned French actor in America.  Will this film succeed or just smell like brie?  Find out as we hop down one of the...

The film begins with the title character (Vidocq) chasing down a villain in a strange mask.  The guy is dressed like Meng's henchman from Flash Gordon and has a golden mask that shines strangely.  I feel like I started the film in the climax, but let's just go with it.  Vidocq (Depardeau) has a fight with the man/creature, but gets his ass-kicked.  This is all shot in high-speed, 'can't keep up with anything' vision, making it disorienting.  Knocked into a pit, Vidocq asks to see the fiend's face, a request that's granted before he falls in.  With that, the titular hero of the film is dead.  Movie over?  Nope.  Instead, a young biographer for the late-detective shows up, hoping to solve the crime and catch the detective's killer.  The partner retells the events that led up to the beginning/middle of the film.  It all starts with two men walking in a field and being struck by lightning.  No, really.

So the film is a bit confusing.  You see, we follow the young guy talking to people.  This leads to flashbacks.  After that, he'll wander about some more.  I'm sorry, but why couldn't you tell this story in normal order?  Is that not 'cool' enough for you?  Hell, why couldn't you just go from the fight in the beginning and lead all the way up to it?  Oh right- the plot.
* A trio of men were killed by the masked man.
* They had a connection to a faux Chinese dancer and were obsessed with their own looks.
* They kidnap virgins for...well, guess.
* Random Vidocq/villain fight!

I can't tell you a whole lot about the plot without spoiling too much of it.  I mean, it is a mystery film, after all.  Basically, you will need to know this...
* The biographer continues to investigate the crime.
* The witnesses tend to die after revealing just enough exposition to keep the plot going.
* The police follow the guy, fearing that he will be the next victim.
* The police and our heroes have a showdown with the villain (The Alchemist).  The reveal of his identity is, well, stupid as hell.  I won't say who it is, but it's pretty damn stupid!
* The day is saved...except for the impending February Revolution.  I smell a sequel...that hasn't been made in the last ten years.  The End.

Style over substance!  The plot of this movie is kind of interesting, but a lot of things drag it down.  The biggest thing, of course, is the way it is put together.  Seriously, the constant jumping between past and present is confusing!  Why can't you use linear storytelling?!?  There is no good reason to tell the story in this manner, other than to build up to the stupid reveal of the villain's identity.  One stupid thing is used to justify the other?  Brilliant!  That said, the acting is pretty good (this is the only Instant Foreign film without Dubbing) and the film has a unique style.  Pitof, you see, started out as a Visual Effects guy for such films as Alien Resurrection.  As such, he brings a neat look and color scheme here.  The problem for me, however, is that it's a bit distracting.  The thing is often too flashy for its own good, especially when you throw in the iffy camera-work.  I can't follow this movie, especially when the whole screen is bright red!  Is the film great?  No.  Is it worth a look?  Absolutely.  As a French film, it is pretty accessible to most people, even if the mystery is a lead-up to, well, stupidity.  Take us away, pre-Sin City visual...

Next up, the month wraps up properly with a film I kept forgetting to review.  Is this Corman film a classic or crap?  Stay tuned...