Bad Bites: Howling VII- New Moon Rising

Thanks, Clive Turner.  Seriously, this guy manages to completely destroy any remote amount of goodwill that Howling VI established.  How does he do that?  By making sure that the last three films are all tied to this one, in spite of logic to the contrary.  Oh yeah- that happened!  Here's the thing- Clive Turner clearly went a little crazy as he took on more and more responsibility.  For Howling IV, he was a Producer and played a cameo role (more on that later).  By the time that Howling VII came along in 1994, he was the Writer/Director/Editor/Producer/Star.  Holy crap- he pulled a Bill Hinzman (R.I.P.)!  The next step to making the film ridiculous- filming it in a real, Western town and only using a few trained actors.  Given the level of Turner's performances in Howling IV and V, I don't consider him one either.  This movie really challenges the mind by refusing to focus on a plot for too long and having its minor plot seem stupid as hell.  To find out the sheer ridiculousness of it all, read on...

Clive Turner is here playing an Australian cowboy-wannabe.  He goes to Pioneer Town to...be a Red Herring.

First sign of cheapness- a Priest and Investigator discuss pointless exposition, setting up clips from Howling V.  Ugh.

Second- the randomly-found body in the Desert was supposedly at the Carnival from Howling VI.  As a bonus, the lady Extra was in Howling V.  This is a plot point.

Oh yeah, this was also on a VHS Tape that the Priest had.  How?

99.9% of the monster footage in the film is just Red P.O.V. vision.  This is really sad.

Considering that the rest of the movie involves robotic line-dancing, bad bar jokes and a sub-plot involving Chili, this is still the best part.

The Howling V connection is important because Turner- who was Ray in that film- is the same character...but he's named Ted.  Oh yeah, he freaking died in that movie too!!!

Speaking of dead people, the lead from Howling IV is back and alive.  She dumps exposition- save for the part where she dies circa The Hills Have Eyes II- and then dies in her only other scene.

Thanks for coming, Romy!

As it turns out, the villain of this saga is Mary-Lou aka The Dumb Girl from Howling V.  Clearly her random cameo in a crowd shot from Howling VI sets this up!

It gets better!  Using new, random Werewolf powers, she takes over the body of a different lady in town as part of her elaborate plan to cover up her murders...which she was planning before she even did them.  Brilliant!

With about two minutes left in the film, she transforms her into a Werewolf (FINALLY!!!).  She runs outside, only to be shot (off-camera) by the rest of the town.

Her pointlessly-elaborate plan to...um, do something has failed.  The End.

Screw you, Pioneer Town!  This movie is a serious, serious mess.  There are more stupid, stupid things about the movie than you could shake a giant stick at.  For one, the plot is a ridiculous mess.  It attempts to connect three separate Howling films to a brand new one that barely has a plot to begin with.  Even if you get past the Retcons and silliness, there is just nothing of note there.  Why does Mary-Lou go there?   Why set up this elaborate plot to get a guy who may or may not be a Werewolf in trouble?  Speaking of which, the lady from Howling IV says that Ted was a Werewolf, showing the clip from the film.  The problem- he's not.  Was it just to trick the audience?  Speaking of tricking the audience, there's almost no interesting footage for this film.  It's a bunch of comedy skits and exposition dumps.  The only F/X shots before the end come courtesy of flashbacks to Howling IV/Howling V.  Oh wait- there is one second of a Werewolf in a scene where a Cop is killed.  Oh right- that's actually Stock Footage from Howling IV (where Pretender guy gets bit)!  If you like line-dancing, bad jokes and terrible actors, but hate story and F/X shots, this is the film for you.  There's just something so...off about it.  On the plus side, Clive Turner hasn't Produced a film since 1996.  That and I get to re-use this silly F/X shot...

Up next, the final and most recent film in the series.  Is calling it The Howling: Twilight an insult or an accurate assessment?  Stay tuned...

Bad Bites: Howling IV- The Original Nightmare

There's nothing original about you!  This fourth film in the Howling franchise is essentially a Remake of the first film.  To be fair, it is based more closely on the original book than the first film.  Of course, the film thrives in spite of/because of those changes, so this seems a bit silly.  The other thing is that this film also takes liberties with the story from the first book, making me a bit curious.  Why are you the 'strict version' of the story, but you also change things?  It's a bit hypocritical, if you ask me.  This film, like I said, is essentially the same story of the Howling, but with all of the humor cut out, all of the cameos cut out and none of the good effects.  It's practically the 'High School Production' Version of The Howling.  Thanks, Clive Turner!  To cover this film, I'll do more of a highlighting of differences/quirks than anything.  You know this story...kind of.  To find out how much they screwed this up, read on...

* This Writer is traumatized by...um, something.  Yeah, they cut out the famous killer and his entire influence on the plot.

* As a bonus, she has 'visions' of stuff that hasn't happened yet and people she doesn't even know.  Nice!

* Remember when I mentioned Slim Pickens as the Sheriff?  Well, this 'Larry Miller-looking' guy is his replacement.  Yeah, it's NOT the same!

* This lady is the replacement for the weird and exotic hippie lady from The Howling.  She's...a bit more like a bad Eartha Kitt impersonator than anything else.

* You, sir, are not Patrick Macnee.  That is all.

*  The exotic woman seduces our heroine's husband.  Unlike in the Dante version, he clearly starts the whole thing.  Thanks, Pretender douche!

* Eventually, the husband turns into a Werewolf...by melting into a puddle of goo.  No, really.  Who.  Wrote.  This.  Crap?!?!?

* I'm sorry, but I can't take any film seriously that things that THIS is scary.  I'll continue writing this film when I'm done laughing!!!

* In place of the awesome partially-Rick Baker creations, we get...wolves (read: dogs) running with a red glare on their eyes.  I'm sad now.

* Our heroine stops the Werewolves by burning down the Church- which they built- after ringing the bell- which they brought over from Bulgaria- and calling them there.

Unfortunately, she just stands around and waits to die.  Dumb-ass.

Yeah, I'll stick with the original.  This movie is just plain bad.  Where do I begin?  Much like Howling V, this film is a 'mystery.'  The problem- there is no mystery.  You could argue that Howling V did this better, even if the culprit is not exactly hard to spot.  In this film, you know that the town is full of Werewolves.  It's a damn Howling film- why wouldn't they be?!?  If you made some of them NOT Werewolves, that would have been a mystery worth the wait.  Second, the acting and Production is not good.  It's not God-awful, but it just feels cheap.  The Howling was over-budget, but made things work.  Hell, they shot the big transformation scene off-set because they ran out of money...and it looks good.  The other major problem- almost no Werewolves.  Aside from random shots, this movie only features a Werewolf about 70 minutes in...and it's for about three seconds.  All of the 'interesting parts' occur in the last twenty minutes.  To be fair, they have ONE good Werewolf, but he just stands around doing nothing.  Plus, it starts out as that goofy 'Wallace and Gromit' face you saw three pictures back.  One more thing- the whole Climax focuses on the Bell and it's power.  Who put it there?  The Werewolves.  It would be like a town of Vampires making a giant Water Tower in the center of the Town full of Garlic-tinted Holy Water!!!  To summarize- no action, no mystery and giant plot-holes.  As a final indignity, see where the film ran out of Wolves/Dogs that look like Wolves...

Next up, one of the most infamous Howling sequels.  Can Writer/Director/Producer/Star Clive Turner redeem his past works?  Stay tuned...