New Crap: Spiders 3-D (2013)

 At last, I have the complete Story.  This is totally a Sequel.  This is Spiders 3-D, a 2013 Film that is about, well, you know.  Granted- there is a Film called Bug that is about people on Meth AND there is a Film called Spider that is actually a Psychological Thriller with Ralph Fiennes.  There's also a Film called Star Chamber, which is actually a Legal Thriller, so why not?!?  So yeah, this is the last Film about Giant Spiders for a while.  Once you pop, you just can't stop!  This time, Boaz Davidson is back again and we have Tibor Takacs, whose Films I haven't covered since 2012.  As a refresher, he's done a ton of these Syfy Channel Films like Killer Rats, Mega Snake and Ice Spiders.  There's also a shared Lead from that last Film- the poor dude can't escape Spiders!  If you like better Films, he did also did both of The Gate Films too.  Do we have anything else besides Giant Spiders?  Nope.  To find out what we've got, read on...

A Satellite crashes into New York City and nobody seems to notice.

I couldn't find a shot of it, but this random Google Image is better than what the Film has.

It crashes into the Subway and it is here we get the first big problem of the Film.

In short, they have one Backlot Set to use.  They ALWAYS go back to the same Block.
I guess the money was all spent on CGI and Radios.

Investigating the incident, one of the Workers is attacked by a CGI Spider and killed.

This leads the Government to block the area, which, yes, is just this one Block.

I guess just take another Train.  Also take one that is not located in Bulgaria, where this Film was shot.

Under the City, Government Agents monitor the various-sized Spiders.  They want/need a Queen to be born because something something webbing as armor.

Again- there's 'Science' in this so silly that it needs like six more quotation marks.  So, in other words, '''''''Science!'''''''

To ground the Film (pause for laughter), our Hero and Heroine are a divorcing Couple who have to rescue their Daughter- stuck in the Quarantine/Lockdown- and her friend.

Oops- just the Daughter now!

The Spiders finally get out and start killing people.

Confusingly, the Soldiers are sent to catch them and not kill them...which is why they shoot at them.

Mind you, the guns do nothing, so...good call?

Can he rescue his Wife- who is good at running away from things- and Daughter?

Or will the Queen of all Giant Spiders- who clearly wants to be the Cloverfield Monster- end them all?

To find out, watch the Film.  It is new enough to avoid SPOILERS, but it is also really predictable.

A pretty silly Film that gets mired a bit in weird Plot Points.  So we have Giant Spiders- check.  We have a Government Experiment- alright.  Now we have evil Russians operating in NYC- um...okay.  They want Giant Spiders to make webbing for armor (or something)- huh?!?  The whole 'conspiracy' angle really doesn't add all that much.  Why not just have Giant Spiders get loose?  Do we need all of the attempts at social commentary that don't really work in a Film called Spiders 3-D?  No.  Seriously, I'd almost take all of the stalling in Spiders 2 over this- almost.  If you can get past all that nonsense, the actual CGI and Action is pretty good.  As I mentioned, there's Budget discrepancies here.  The CGI Spiders honestly look pretty good in small doses.  It is just a shame that everything else looks so cheap here.  Imagine a terrible, low-budget Film like Suburban Sasquatch, for instance.  Now imagine if someone spent $7 million to make *just the Sasquatch* look realistic.  It's still cheap as hell and awful, but it now has a 'photo-realistic' Sasquatch.  Is it good?  No.  As a B-Movie that tries to be more, I can respect the Film to a point.  As it is, Spiders 3-D (which I watched in 2-D, to be clear) is kind of fun, but never truly feels good or cohesive.  Just don't tell that to whoever was mocking up the DVD Promo Art- he's in it to win it!

Next up, I cover a different kind of Giant Animal- Electric Eels.  Find out how you can make a Film about them with faulty Science and confusing tonal shifts.  Stay tuned...

WTF Tibor?!?: Nostradamus (2000)

Seems like a fitting film to review before the end of the world, right?  Today's film is Nostradamus, a film that's really hard to find.  I think I know the reason- my DVD was Released in 2000.  I'm pretty sure that this is the ONLY DVD release out there, hence the lack of Discs in 2012.  No need to produce more Discs or anything, guys!  The thing is that this movie is actually kind of neat.  It's a shame that this movie is so hard to track down, since it bears at least one viewing by any curious filmgoer.  Brought to you by the only man to have The Gate, Syfy Channel films and TWO Sabrina: The Teenaged Witch films on his Resume, Tibor Takacs, this movie is a refreshing take on the 'evil cult trying to end the World.'  Granted, it's fresh take is a mix of other previous films made before.  That said, it's so crazy that it kind of works.  While there are some problems with the execution, it's the kind of film that could work with a big Studio, big money and a major marketing machine behind it.  It got a small Studio, not much money and barely-released on DVD, so here we are.  To see how crazy this can get, read on...

In the 16th Century, a madman leading The 6th Order is trying to push the battle of the End Times ahead of schedule.  How does that affect us in the Present Day (of 2000)?

Speaking of the Present, Rob Estes is a Cop investigating a series of mysterious deaths.  People are spontaneously-combusting and no evidence is found.  What's going on?

As a bonus, our hero is trying to figure out why he's hallucinating visions of himself as a bearded man.  I do that too, but I mostly just ignore it by this point.

Shut up, Ancient Me!

Want to know what's going on?  Well, you may not believe me when I tell you.  Okay...

You see, the 6th Order is sending half-man/half-demon creatures forward in time (via a time machine) and having them use their power to make the soul melt, thus destroying the body.

 That's honestly what's happening here.  To make things better...

After killing the initial assassin, Estes puts on his ring (for no good reason) and gets sucked back in time.

 When he is able to return, nobody knows who he is.  Being dragged back in time meant that he was ERASED from this timeline, you see.

All I can think is that the movie should have started here.  Given how crazy the plot is, hearing him explain would have sounded really fake.  When you finally flash back, you can go 'Told you so, audience!'

They don't.  Instead, he rejoins the FBI Psychic from earlier, who he convinced of his story by, no joke, catching The Black Plague.  No, really.

As it turns out, she's the last person on the list.

Fulfilling Villain Cliche #54, the main Villain shows up for the final confrontation.  That will show all of those lazy Managers our there!

The Ending of this film is weird, as it seems to set up a TV show.  Our hero can travel to the Present for set periods of time and has to keep battling The 6th Order.  Nostradamus: The Series anyone?  The End.

That...certainly wasn't what I was expecting.  In a rare case (not the capitalized form), this is actually me paying it a compliment.  I was expecting something really generic, but I got something completely crazy.  Seriously, time-traveling Satanists who can melt your soul by saying a few sentences in Latin- gold!  There's no preparing you for this bat-shit insane plot!  In fairness, there is a cheap re-use of sets, some pretty bad CG effects (which they only show a couple times) and most of the action scenes are resolved in prolonged shoot-outs.  The core of the film is interesting and could have led to something bigger.  Alas, the end result is a film that a lot of people have never seen.  Even one Maynard Morrisey hasn't reviewed it on his titular Horror Diary.  Jealous?  So, what I'm trying to say is this: if you can track this film, get it.  You probably won't pay more than $5 for it (sorry, Tibor) and it's more than worth it.  God bless you, you silly, nonsensical story!  Take us away, goofy effect...

Next up, I go where few Star Wars fans dare to go.  It's Ewok side-movies time!  Stay tuned...

Syfy Channel Week: Ice Spiders

Are you for real?  Syfy Channel films are often full of ludicrous premises (in fact, I did a Top 12 on that), but sometimes they just take the cake.  Just consider this title for a minute- Ice Spiders.  That's just...are you for real?  That said, this goofy title does draw your attention right away.  Will it actually have the odd, entertainment value of Mongolian Death Worm?  No.  Will it have the good effects?  Again- no.  It does have the most random of Guest Actors though.  That man- Stephen J. Cannell.  Yes, the late Mr. Cannell makes his final film appearance in this movie because...um, I guess he was doing someone a favor.  First off, why is the Creator of The A-Team acting a film, let alone this one?  It's surprising to say the least.  Let's get over that randomness and just skate alongside the...

 **********

We get the usual Syfy Opening here, this time featuring two hunters who get attacked by the titular monsters.  The point of this- there really is none.  Our hero later finds their bodies, but he could have just as easily seen the giant pile of webbing too!  We meet our main characters next- a bunch of skiers going to a lodge to practice for their Olympic qualifiers.  Two Syfy Channel films about sports teams in peril (in the snow no less!) this week- weird.  We also get the modern horror trope of 'No Reception' as one of the group complains about his phone not working.  Literally one minute later, they cut back to one of the webbed-up hunters whose phone rings, but he drops it!  Why did you do that?!?  The phone call he misses- it means nothing.  Nobody finds the phone or calls it again later- nothing!  Anyways, they get up to the Lodge and meet the owner (Stephen J. Cannell).  The sad part is that you can see his skin condition and tell that he was battling Cancer at the time.  That's actually a little more sad than him simply being in this film!  Oh right- spiders.

Our main hero turns out to be a former Olympic hopeful (7 Adventures of Sinbad's Patrick Muldoon) who now works at the Lodge teaching rich jerks.  By the way, this 'major Ski Lodge' has less than thirty people there (counting staff)!  He goes out with the Sheriff in search of the hunters and finds dead animals (see picture below) and eventually runs across the spiders.  In the film's C-Plot, a good-looking scientist (Melrose Place's Vanessa Williams) discovers that the genetically-engineered spiders that they have been working on escaped.  We get a full-scale Melrose Place reunion in fact as our lead is from the show, as is the Head Scientist at the Lab (Thomas Callabro).  This might explain the extended cameo role given to Cannell as one for, say, Aaron Spelling- but it's not him.  The spiders move out as the Commandos hunt them down.  The creatures make it down to the Lodge and start picking off skiers and snowboarders.  Our *former* leads finally do something again in the movie- hide in the Lodge.

All of our heroes are back together in the Lodge now, including the scientist lady.  Meanwhile, the Commandos and Dr. Melrose Place plan to catch some of the spiders.  This doesn't go too well at first, although they do get one.  The Olympic hopefuls try to escape in the bus and they are joined by Cannell.  They drive away for a bit, but crash.  The group escapes thanks to Cannell, who seems to be left to die...but the Commandos show up.  They wouldn't possibly kill him off!  More of the spiders get caught by the Commandos when they work with the others.  It all boils down to Muldoon luring the spiders via a snowboard chase to an area where they can trap them.  However, Muldoon and company decide to kill the spiders, angering Dr. Melrose Place.  In a weird happenstance, a seventh spider suddenly appears and kills him.  Yeah, they established that there were six and six were killed so...I cry bullshit there.  The government covers everything up and the movie ends.

Baby, it's death outside!  The plot of this movie is nothing really to write home about, as the expression goes.  The only thing it really has going for it is the juxtaposition of its odd plot to reality.  You have giant spiders that can survive in the snow.  Sure- why not?!?  They try to explain it a bit, but it's mostly movie science that's just silly.  The big problem is that the Special Effects just aren't that good.  Not to keep going back to it, but Mongolian Death Worm came out about two years after this one.  How did they get good effects and yours look like shit?  Hell, Sand Serpents has pretty good effects and it was made a bit earlier than that one!  The whole thing is just weird and silly.  That said, I did have some fun with it, as it is just so damn cheesy.  If you actually think that a movie like Ice Spiders is worth watching, you'll probably have a good time.  For the other 98% of you, feel free to laugh at the title and move on.

*1 minute later*

Next up, we begin Mummy Week with something silly.  If you want to see The Mummy- but in 1967- this one is for you.  Stay tuned...

'80s Fun/Forgotten Sequels: The Gate/Gate II

Portals to Hell are like pretentious Nicholas Cage films, everyone has seen one. I mean, it's like 'oh, big deal- Hell is opening up and spewing its unholy contents upon the Earth. Whatever.' Seriously though, these films are two early ones to cover such a strange idea. To make things all the more interesting, both stories involve young people doing it without the aid of adults. How well do these films stand the test of time though? Can an obscure film from 1987 and its sequel compare to our modern fare? Find out in my two reviews, starting with...

The Gate

The film begins with a child (Stephen Dorff) who runs from his room and hides in his tree house, only for it to be struck by lightning and fall. Oh wait, this is all a dream...or a vision, since the tree was in fact struck by lightning that night. In the hole is a large chasm that draws the imagination of our young hero. His nerdy friend comes over and they discover a geode, which only makes them more interested. A strange sub-plot involves the boy's love of firing model rockets into the air. It's not like it's going to come into play in the finale...which it is. The parents decide to go on a trip and leave him alone with his sister. Faster than you can say 'I hate this cliche,' the girl has all her friends over for a party. Unless this turns into Slumber Party Massacre IV, it's a pretty unnecessary. Some spirits start to come out, but we don't actually get any monster effects for at least forty-five minutes. A monster film that dares to hold its hand close to its chest? Oh, the humanity!

*

When the monsters show up, they are pretty weird. Most of what you get are these tiny little creatures that actually resemble the tiny monsters from Subspecies. To make things stranger, these effects look better than the ones in that film, which was made four years later! The whole thing actually is based around a series of accidental events that are a bit silly. Then again, this is the reason that we get a giant four-eyed, four-armed monster showing up, so I can live with that. In a Rare Case, the battle between a young boy and a giant monster is very one-sided. My favorite part of the film is the sub-plot involving a metal band that apparently wrote the prophecy of the gate on their record insert! Thanks a strange deus ex machina involving a rocket, the day is saved. Mind you, the dog is still dead, so it's not all positive. The End?

*

This movie is good, but may not work for everyone. It is an 80s horror film, but it has no graphic murder, teenage sex or boobs. In addition, it is not built around introducing marketable villains to create a film series. Mind you, this does not always work- i.e. Neon Maniacs- but it was an interesting idea. As for the actual film, it is well-made, builds up properly and does not feature bad writing. We get some bad teenage cliches, but they don't kill the film. For 22 year old optical effects, they look damn good. Maybe you can get away with it if you put heart and soul into it? I'm just saying. Speaking of souls...

The Gate II: Return to the Nightmare

I bet you're wondering what has happened to Stephen Dorff's character right? Well, screw you, said the producers and they made the film about his nerdy sidekick. Sequel or sidequel- you decide! A few years later, things are not going well for our gangly hero. His dad- who was only hinted at, but not shown in Part 1- is a drunk and cannot get a job. In addition, he is bullied by two guys named John and Moe. He also is in lust with a girl who happens to be doing 'the old tongue-dance' with one of the two people he hates. In a questionable bit of logic, he decides to re-open the gate to hell, get a demon and use it to grant him wishes! Yeah, that is a good plan, dumb-ass! Fortunately or unfortunately, the bullies interrupt the ceremony to mess with him, but a demon still makes it across. It ends up in our hero's room and, one silly action scene later, it is placed in a jar. He begins to make wishes with it, including getting his dad a job and getting a sweet car. This helps him get close to the girl, so it's all win. When is the shit going to go down?

*

This proves to be an ironic choice of words, as everything they wished for turns into literal shit the next morning. Clean-up time is fun time, kids! Not only that, but his dad relapses and crashes a plane on the runway...which they did not choose to show us. The two thug characters from earlier discover the demon and decide to use it to grant wishes, apparently missing all the literal shit from earlier. They get scratched by the demon when it makes a break for it and begin to transform. Even the solace of a fancy bathroom in a French restaurant does not put a stop to the transformation. Our two heroes try to escape the now-mutated men, but end up getting sucked into another dimension! I mean it literally and not in the 'I'm going to send you to the next dimension' sort of way. A barrage of bad special effects are bombarded upon us before the hero manages to stop the monsters, at the cost of his own life.

*

Wait, that's too much of a downer. Let's just have our hero get out of his coffin and walk off, followed shortly by the two men. Ah, that's much more PG. The End.

*

Yeah, this movie is not exactly as good as the first one. It is not as terrible as its internet reputation makes it out to be though. The story is an intriguing one, although it is not executed in the best way. The acting...is about what you expect. Now, as far as the special effects go, what the hell happened? The ones in The Gate are actually good and this movie's (made three years later, mind you) are not. Shouldn't it be the opposite way? I'll give the film some credit for its interesting make-up work and monster design, but their optical effects are just god awful. Ironically, I saw this movie first, since the original film was out of print when I saw this movie in January. Now the original is available once again and the sequel is out of print. On the plus side, you are now free to watch the better film.

*

Up next, a parody film from another country that even I am surprised that I saw it. No, it's not good, by the way. Stay tuned...